Need Help.

[Big Daddy]

Dude, here's the thing. You need to stop this negative cycle asap.

First off, get a rubber band and put on either wrist and several $10 bills. Everytime you think something remotely negative, pull the band to slap it in your wrist and throw a $10 away. I guarantee that by the time you get to $100, your depression will me most likely gone. That's what I did to correct several bad habits.

Second, since you apparently have awesome genetics, get a Tinder profile, swipe every girl right and go out and try to FUCK. The fact that you already know they are into you makes it easy.

Also forget about university. It doesn't mean shit, specially in CS where you can be self-taught more than any other major. Do that and if you come back I'll help you with the rest.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Sparda,

You did a good move to join these Boards, there is a genuine spirit of mutual help here.

Agreed with Big Daddy, your first and foremost problem is with your depression. You need to fight it off, because it fills you with negative thoughts which, in turn, negatively affect various areas of your social life, starting with girls. For this, you really need to find it in yourself!

Next, you have this oneitis with this girl. If you have read around about oneitis, in this site or elsewhere, you already know why it's bad, but let me summarize it again. It hurts your chance of success for several reasons: 1. you are putting her on a pedestal, 2. you are genuinely afraid to do something stupid, 3. you are coming from a position of neediness and general weakness. 1 is bad because girls want to feel you're above them, as their leader, 2 is bad because it will urge you into inaction, and 3 is bad because girls simply have contempt for weakness.

Having said that, my next advice is going to just take your chances anyway and try. If you don't, she's lost to you anyway. Consider that you will not even be on her radar until you have spoken to her: she has enough guys popping into her life all the time to worry about those who don't move. And if you don't move you will remain stuck with your thoughts. You absolutely need to know where you stand.

I don't want to be the fifth guy that comes up and "chit-chat " with her

I'm afraid this cannot be a valid excuse. The fact is *ALL* the reasonably good looking girls are attracting male attention ALL THE TIME. The only difference with this one is that, because of her static position at the gym, you have become aware of this fact. Now all the other pretty girls (and well, even some of the uglier ones!) are getting approached all the time - whether you notice it or not. If we applied your reasoning, none of these girls should be approached and we would all be condemned to eternal masturbation. No, no, no and no! You will be doing a service to yourself to go and speak to her, and start putting yourself on her radar.

I am not her boyfriend nor friend and I don't want to listen to her problems or whatever

It is possible to avoid these pitfalls, but it is a learning process that takes time and involves you meeting and dating lots and lots of girls. You can't learn that in a day, so for now your immediate concern is to move yourself and try speaking to her.

There is this guy that plays tennis and goes to the gym regularly, nothing special in any aspect but he has money. He is another mangina, contacting every girl that he wants to bed with knowledge of nothing and feelings for none, but money is boosting it. I found out that this girl is already chatting with him, it started 2 weeks ago, my friend from gym showed me that she and he and some mutual friends from the gym are exchanging jokes, puns and kisses between two of them on Instagram and this guy just want to pump and dump. Money can get you so far.

You say it's money, and money helps, but there's more than that. From what you say, he's a mangina - a guy who gets lots of girls. Consider and accept this simple fact of life: Girls are feeling super excited for guys who gets lots of girls. They just love them! Their secret fantasy is to get a guy like this, then manage to make him commit. Problem being, of course, that such a guy has so many options that he does not need to settle with any, and can live a happy life just enjoying the flow incoming girls. A big part of learning to become good at girls will consist in emulating what such a guy is doing - until you actually become it!

There would be more to say. But for now I just want to comment on this:

of course it amplifies suffering to the point of thoughts about suicide

*NO* girl on this planet is worth considering suicide. You are worth infinitely more than that.

Alright!
Seppuku

 

[Big Daddy]

If you have time I would like to hear more from you, especially about her situation and all this. Thank you.

I appreciate your kindness. It even made me look like an asshole in comparison, and for that, I apologize. It's just that I wanted to give you actionable things you could do RIGHT AWAY. Most people that come here read what we read, do absolutely nothing and then vanish.

It kinda sucks, though, because it's exactly like Seppuku said... there's nothing you can do other than putting yourself out there. It sucks because you might realize that you might lose this girl if you fuck up, but you only see that as a problem for now because of the way you are framing the world (pretty common among less experienced folks). You are thinking we, men, are supposed to get women we like on the first try 100% of the time just like James Bond, which isn't true, obviously.

That's not how the world works. It's like trying to win at poker without knowing which hands have higher value – your chances will drop substantially. The way to see it properly is seeing it as a process. You have to repeat it and hone it multiple times to stand a chance to score it with a girl you "meet out of the blue" like that. But you can run into girls like her all the time if you know what to look for, etc which mitigates the apparent miserableness of the situation.

That is to say: unless you already have your feet wet and know more or less what you are doing but is stuck into a point, there is not much we can say to help with a particular girl other than "try it." Though if you do it 100 times and report back, that's different. That will probably help you a bunch, so that's why I encouraged you to try dating apps since you said you are good-looking. You will have a way easier time there and will make you FEEL empowered and understand what I'm saying.