Neediness in a relationship

[pks391]

Does texting your gf first constitute "neediness" in a relationship?
Can someone list out all the behaviours that signify neediness from the male side?
She keeps complaining that i dont text her first and that i should be the one to text her first and when i dont, she goes all "silent treatment".
Please tell me what should do and how to avoid showing neediness which will ultimately make me look weak and make me lose respect in the relationship.

 

[ProblemSolving]

Does texting your gf first constitute "neediness" in a relationship?

It will eventually.

She keeps complaining that i dont text her first and that i should be the one to text her first and when i dont, she goes all "silent treatment".

Every girlfriend will crave more security from you, but what she doesn't know is that too much security will kill her attraction for you. Stick to your guns. Make her initiate, and when she does, reward her by being warm and receptive and at the same time setting up the next meet up.

No girl every left her boyfriend because he didn't text her enough. The majority leave because he's too available, needy and weak.

Can someone list out all the behaviours that signify neediness from the male side?

Having her text you first will kill a lot of the neediness. You also need to know how to handle drama/strength tests and avoid chasing when it eventually comes up.

I'll give you a few examples of how a strong, non-needy guy handles his girlfriend:

He invites her over and she's not super excited, she says she's, "Busy with school, work, friends, or whatever excuse". He replies, "Sure no problem". Attraction is weak, so he makes her put in work from now on. Instead of inviting her out a again a few days later like most guys, he waits for her to initiate and for her to invite herself over. He only wants to see his girl when she's excited to see him, otherwise he'll spend his time else where.

His girlfriend gets mad in the car and orders him to pull over and let her out. She wants to walk home at night, instead of being in the same car for another second. He lets her out, drives home and makes a sandwich, and then receives a flurry of text messages from his girl telling him, "I can't believe you let me walk home by myself. I knew you never cared about me, blablablah". He ignores the messages and in the morning, receives a sweet message from his girlfriend, "Hey, how are you?" Since she's sweet again, he replies warmly.

Girlfriend is over at his house, and he can tell something is bothering her, so he inquires what's on her mind. She remains mopey and cold, so he warns her if she doesn't voice her concerns, he's going to have to ask her to leave. When she still refuses, he kicks her out. Angry texts follow, which he ignores. A few hours later she's warm again and ready to tell him what was bothering her.

They have a fight, and she tells him that, "I never want to see you again!" He goes home and starts preparing himself to hit the streets to find a new girl ASAP. 24 hours later she's sweet again and texting to come and see him.

These are all tests to see how strong and desirable you are. You fail and start to chase, then attraction plummets. You pass, and attraction soars. This is really an ingenious way for a girl to find out what you're really made of because you can't fake absolute abundance. If you're worried about losing her, you will fold. The Relationship board is full of guys who know exactly what they need to do to keep their relationship healthy, but they don't have the abundance to make it happen.

 

[pks391]

Does texting your gf first constitute "neediness" in a relationship?

It will eventually.

She keeps complaining that i dont text her first and that i should be the one to text her first and when i dont, she goes all "silent treatment".

Every girlfriend will crave more security from you, but what she doesn't know is that too much security will kill her attraction for you. Stick to your guns. Make her initiate, and when she does, reward her by being warm and receptive and at the same time setting up the next meet up.

No girl every left her boyfriend because he didn't text her enough. The majority leave because he's too available, needy and weak.

Can someone list out all the behaviours that signify neediness from the male side?

Having her text you first will kill a lot of the neediness. You also need to know how to handle drama/strength tests and avoid chasing when it eventually comes up.

I'll give you a few examples of how a strong, non-needy guy handles his girlfriend:

He invites her over and she's not super excited, she says she's, "Busy with school, work, friends, or whatever excuse". He replies, "Sure no problem". Attraction is weak, so he makes her put in work from now on. Instead of inviting her out a again a few days later like most guys, he waits for her to initiate and for her to invite herself over. He only wants to see his girl when she's excited to see him, otherwise he'll spend his time else where.

His girlfriend gets mad in the car and orders him to pull over and let her out. She wants to walk home at night, instead of being in the same car for another second. He lets her out, drives home and makes a sandwich, and then receives a flurry of text messages from his girl telling him, "I can't believe you let me walk home by myself. I knew you never cared about me, blablablah". He ignores the messages and in the morning, receives a sweet message from his girlfriend, "Hey, how are you?" Since she's sweet again, he replies warmly.

Girlfriend is over at his house, and he can tell something is bothering her, so he inquires what's on her mind. She remains mopey and cold, so he warns her if she doesn't voice her concerns, he's going to have to ask her to leave. When she still refuses, he kicks her out. Angry texts follow, which he ignores. A few hours later she's warm again and ready to tell him what was bothering her.

They have a fight, and she tells him that, "I never want to see you again!" He goes home and starts preparing himself to hit the streets to find a new girl ASAP. 24 hours later she's sweet again and texting to come and see him.

These are all tests to see how strong and desirable you are. You fail and start to chase, then attraction plummets. You pass, and attraction soars. This is really an ingenious way for a girl to find out what you're really made of because you can't fake absolute abundance. If you're worried about losing her, you will fold. The Relationship board is full of guys who know exactly what they need to do to keep their relationship healthy, but they don't have the abundance to make it happen.

Thanks for the reply. Nice use of examples btw.
I used to be exactly like that in the beginning but then she started going on all about how i dont care for her and that I have ego issues and that I make her do all the chasing. This led me to be a little bit more needy towards her to make her feel a little bit more 'comfortable' in the relationship for lack of a better word.
I guess since its my first relationship, i am ending up being a bit more needy because of abundance mentality. I am 24 and she is 23 were are in India btw.
She keeps having these periods of 'no contact'. She has done this twice. Both times they lasted a couple of weeks. However, in both instances, i remained calm and did not chase and she did text me eventually after that.
Now again she is wanting a period of no contact for a couple of weeks saying that she needs this time to focus on her studies for her upcoming exams. (We both are studying for the same exam btw and this exam is a professional exam which is important for our careers.) Again, i acted a bit needy but not too much and i told her its ok and she can have it.)
She has these periods where she talks to me in a few bursts over chat for 8-10 hours a day and then suddenly goes dry for a few days/weeks.

 

[ProblemSolving]

You've definitely been chasing her if it takes her weeks to contact you. She even told you not to contact her for a few weeks which means her attraction for you is very low.

You said you chat for 8-10 hours?! No wonder she's not chasing. Use the phone to set up dates then get off the phone! When she reaches out to you, be warm and receptive, but keep it short. Getting dragged into long conversations over the phone will do you no good.

 

[pks391]

You've definitely been chasing her if it takes her weeks to contact you. She even told you not to contact her for a few weeks which means her attraction for you is very low.

You said you chat for 8-10 hours?! No wonder she's not chasing. Use the phone to set up dates then get off the phone! When she reaches out to you, be warm and receptive, but keep it short. Getting dragged into long conversations over the phone will do you no good.

Ill be sure to remember that. Thanks.

 

[ProblemSolving]

No problem, my man. It takes a bit of experience to figure out the kinds of behaviors that will hurt your relationship and this phone business is a big one. At first you'll feel like a bit of an asshole for not doing what she wants, but it's neccessary to maintain a healthy chase dynamic in your favor. Doing what she wants will ruin the relationship and she won't even know why. To her it will just feel like the relationship lost its spark and she's not excited by you anymore. When in reality she's not attracted to you anymore because you were too available and weak.

 

[ray_zorse]

Hey mate I think she was probably testing you, firstly about saying you don't call her enough etc -> respond like "haha I didn't notice, is that something you read in Cosmo magazine or something?!", secondly about saying she needs the no-contact -> respond like "haha really, you'll probably flush your phone down the toilet before that happens in reality"... now a word of caution here, I wasn't there and it's possible she GENUINELY DID have some concern to raise with you about the relationship... for example you weren't rewarding her investment properly and she felt you didn't care... or you're just spending TOO MUCH TIME together and she feels suffocated and needs time off to attend to her studies etc... whatever, Franco suggests in that kind of case that you just sit down to her and talk to her honestly and find out what the problem is and fix it. But in these cases I feel she is actually just testing you, especially considering the contradictory nature of the two requests. Sounds like your failing the first test (complying to her and rewarding the drama) emboldened her to the next test (seeing whether you can be turned on and off like a tap at her convenience) and unfortunately you failed the second test as well, by complying to her again. Laugh off tests, and if she's serious, call her bluff "oh, okay, sounds like you want to call it quits, sure, I'll miss you a lot, but I don't mind if you need your freedom or whatever" -> says to her that she can take a break of the stipulated period, but might not have a relationship to come back to after that.
Ray

 

[pks391]

Hey mate I think she was probably testing you, firstly about saying you don't call her enough etc -> respond like "haha I didn't notice, is that something you read in Cosmo magazine or something?!", secondly about saying she needs the no-contact -> respond like "haha really, you'll probably flush your phone down the toilet before that happens in reality"... now a word of caution here, I wasn't there and it's possible she GENUINELY DID have some concern to raise with you about the relationship... for example you weren't rewarding her investment properly and she felt you didn't care... or you're just spending TOO MUCH TIME together and she feels suffocated and needs time off to attend to her studies etc... whatever, Franco suggests in that kind of case that you just sit down to her and talk to her honestly and find out what the problem is and fix it. But in these cases I feel she is actually just testing you, especially considering the contradictory nature of the two requests. Sounds like your failing the first test (complying to her and rewarding the drama) emboldened her to the next test (seeing whether you can be turned on and off like a tap at her convenience) and unfortunately you failed the second test as well, by complying to her again. Laugh off tests, and if she's serious, call her bluff "oh, okay, sounds like you want to call it quits, sure, I'll miss you a lot, but I don't mind if you need your freedom or whatever" -> says to her that she can take a break of the stipulated period, but might not have a relationship to come back to after that.
Ray

Ray,
You raised some pretty interesting points here. Everything you said back there i realized that the moment she started it with me. I knew it was a test. But the thing is i was really damn unsure at that moment on how to respond to it. Apart from that, i felt that maybe she DID want a little bit of investment from my side. However, i ended up giving her a lot more. When she asked for some time off however, i did be a little needy but in the end i was cool and said that she can take her time off and text me when our exams end to which we both agreed yes and it was peaceful. Your observation on not rewarding her investment properly was also spot on. Earlier on I would behave a little too aloof towards her, maybe i overdid it then. I never was needy in the beginning and i never pursued her. This time however, her test won. But hey, i think i learnt something here on tests. Ill do my best to stay chill the next time.