New Conquests

[Conquistador]

I’ve been messaging some other girls, haven’t asked anyone out because I’m not feeling much motivation rn, but…

I think I might be catching a limited form of one-itis. There are 4 basic issues:
1) I’m not currently meeting new girls so I’m limited to previous acquaintances
2) I’m not interested currently in girls who don’t meet a specific profile, which this girl and maybe one other seem to meet
3) My social life is too narrow and static. Addressing this is too much work right now.
4) This girl seems to be really into me, more even than I was her until recently, yet she is hard to get ahold of. I still think this is naïveté rather than girl game. But it’s driving me crazy, and I can’t help feeling that I’m driving in circles not trying harder.

In fact, I was falling asleep when somehow my mind fastened on this and it’s like a cognitive itch. I briefly considered trying to forget about her completely, but that would be awfully premature.

 

[Conquistador]

Two major events happened in the past week. But first…

I’ve now mentally moved on from last semester’s leads. Right now in terms of mixed-gender SC I’m cooling my heels for a couple weeks while things gear up, but after that I have some ideas.
In fact, there’s an outside chance I can get a free venue to experiment with a pilot project I’ve been dreaming of: holding small classy events on Thursday nights with wine and actual glasses instead of red plastic cups.

 

[Conquistador]

So. The two things kinda pulled me in opposite directions but they were both very positive.

On Monday morning I had a very deep and interesting conversation with an older, taken chick whom there clearly was chemistry with. I think we’ll become good friends.

However, without intending to, I ended up showing her my inner essence and she liked it and even bonded with it. I really would like to find someone younger and more single who can do that. Doesn’t mean I can’t rail chicks on the side but I need a queen who can relate to that on my own level.

“Whoever [sic] you choose to ride or die with, is a really lucky human…they will definitely be an intriguing human…takes one to know one sort of thing”
—her words

Another thing about this was that I couldn’t have had this convo two years ago bc I’d have been too horny to be chill.

So that experience nudged me in the direction of seeking a deep and complete partnership. Easier said than done but in the meantime…

[cont part 2]

 

[Conquistador]

The second experience was the polar opposite. It’s possible that I could have gotten action if I had played my cards differently, but I was tired and not feeling risky or impulsive.

This was one of several errands I ran in a big loop around the metropolis in the course of several hours with a friend.

Without disclosing identifying details, I had to pick up an important business package from an old dude who was out of town. His mid-40s daughter, whom like him I’ve known for most of my life, answered the office phone and told me to come by by a certain time. She mentioned that the office would be locked (no regular clients coming by since her dad was gone) and also called me “babe” seemingly in passing. No flirty tone or anything, but something about it suggested slight sexual tension.

I put on fairly flashy clothes and went with Swiffer around town.

Spoiler: Bank, Nike, Ucla

After a stop at my bank to deposit a check, where my favorite teller was clearly happy to see me (I want to numclose her but I keep getting a different teller, this time she was busy with an old Persian lady) we went to a Nike location so Swiffer could return an overpriced T-shirt. No sets presented themselves there.
Then we went to UCLA to pick up free stuff a certain dept was giving away. They’re finishing up summer sessions so it was quiet but still some hot girls. We didn’t walk around and game because it was 90 degrees, but it was my first time there in most of a year and it stoked something in me. Also, we did something slightly testosterone-inducing involving idling somewhere we weren’t supposed to because his bladder was bursting. I got behind the wheel, prepared to bug out in case someone bothered us, despite my not having even a permit (today I set up the appointment with the DMV). In the end, that wasn’t necessary but we, being from uptight families, both enjoyed the rule-bending.

A guy from the department gave me a box thankfully because there was so much rare and potentially valuable (intellectually and monetarily) stuff that I couldn’t carry it all.

Finally, we arrived at the office minutes before she was going to leave. I went up alone and she appeared in a tank top that showed her age. Despite the sun damage and her not being that conventionally hot, I would have gladly put her on a table because she’s tiny with a cute face and the size contrast is a massive turn-on for me. There was definitely sexual tension, but she showed no sign of playing ball so I didn’t probe much. I dragged things out a bit by asking for a water bottle and stuff but in the end I left, with a barely noticeable half-boner, and continued to the next stop.

There, Swiffer returned an insane amount of gear he didn’t need. He had gone backpacking with an ex-military dude whose family we know and this dude had told him to be overprepared. He also returned climbing shoes because they “didn’t fit him with thick warm socks” despite my explanation that you’re not supposed to wear them that way.
Anyway, while there he was 20 min in the bathroom. I found a DeLorme topo atlas of the state which I’ve wanted for a long time, and am now ready to put to good use ⚡️, while in exchange for the unopened MREs and whatnot he got a gift card loaded with credit that he doesn’t need.

 

[Conquistador]

The cycle of cool events at a certain campus begins today. I will be there.

Beyond that, I want to see if I can do serious semen retention without it messing with my sleep and mood.

 

[Conquistador]

Yesterday I did my first cold approach in a couple months. Screwed up the close, which taught me a valuable lesson:

It doesn’t matter how much she likes you, if you can’t smoothly bridge to the close, she won’t comply.

Even just asking “hey, wanna trade numbers/socials?” as you’re about to go can be a little too abrupt for some girls, especially more reserved or conservative ones who don’t see themselves as the kind of girl who gives her number to a guy she met 15 min ago.

Lesson learned. Implementing it is less trivial.

Beyond that, I got plenty of implicit feedback over the afternoon and evening on my fundamentals. It’s time I took some of them to the next level; a few I’ve already started.

At the event itself, I didn’t meet any girls I liked even though there were 60% girls in the room. There will be many more, though.

 

[Conquistador]

Argh. This girl responded after 48 hours with:

And some follow ups.

If this were an average white girl, I’d say she was being a tease. I don’t think she is at all, in fact this girl has less girl game than pretty much any 18+ normal non-Korean I’ve met; she even prioritizes volunteering somewhere over spending time with guys she likes. This sort of thing makes my response times look instant.

I’m not sure how to communicate more effectively with her. She seems to be still crushing on me and I like her quite a lot (partly because she appreciates me with a depth most other girls who sort of like me don’t ) but if I can’t sit down with her IRL, well nothing doing. Argh.

The other thing is she transferred to a place that I’ve already been shuttling out to weekly for an event. So it should be easy to meet up (although I would prefer to get my foot in the door before classes start).

Should I just leave a clear date offer on the table and wait? Or even state my thoughts and feelings clearly and take the leap of faith that she will bite and let me lead?

For now, I think I should persevere. But I’d better also reach out to other girls as well if I want dates in the immediate future. And maybe start cold approaching again.

At the time I signed up here and created my first journal, I was definitely manifesting something that I no longer feel. I would like to recreate whatever it was, in an improved form that fits the growth I’ve made.

Yeah so she just responded after I had almost forgotten about her:

omg hiiii Surveyor !! I’m so so sorry for not responding sooner, honestly the transition to a university from cc has been quite the experience

I am not sure how to reply. But given the fact that as of yesterday I’m visiting her campus anyway weekly, I may as well see if I can get her out with me. I sense once I do so she’ll be putty in my hands and we’ll have a very romantic time, which I secretly crave due to having missed out entirely on love as a teenager.

I do rather understand the feeling of intentionally delaying responding to potential partners due to other things going on, so let’s see whether she is willing to go along with me now.

 

[Higher]

I am not sure how to reply.

If it was me: ah no worries X, can understand, a lot going on in this period for u, hows the transition been?

Bla bla bla then id soft close with sth like, sounds stressful, bet u need to unwind a bit, maybe a drink and a chat would help, i heard it works miracles for stressed uni students.

 

[Conquistador]

Quick updates:
-Some progress lining up the venue for my planned weekly event.

In fact, there’s an outside chance I can get a free venue to experiment with a pilot project I’ve been dreaming of: holding small classy events on Thursday evenings with wine and actual glasses instead of red plastic cups.

-I’ve decided to actively pursue more girls this coming week.
-As I mentioned in my other journal, I’m about to do a systematic and aggressive fat-loss program. I hope the consistency will be sustainable.
-The older African girl who pretty much asked me out early in the summer just posted about her baby’s first birthday. I guess I may have yet again dodged a bullet there, but I still remember her warm vibes.
-I had a good walkntalk-cum-scouting expedition with Swiffer, who has matured a lot, and near the end we were approached by an older lady who, albeit tall, healthy, and comfortably braless, didn’t catch either of our fancies. Besides, by that point we were both footsure. Either way, I gathered some valuable data about various things.

 

[Conquistador]

Today I went hiking with a few bros. After three miles of clambering up and down awful terrain, we reached a more chill canyon-bed trail and soon after ran into a cute Russian couple, with whom I had a fairly long conversation in both langs. The girl (or wife as she may have been lol) told me that I should definitely get a Russian girlfriend, as it would among other things speed up my journey to fluency.

Perhaps I should at some point, but for various reasons I don’t think any EE girl would be a good fit right now. That said, I intend to hunt for a solid gf more intensively. I don’t expect to find one thru cold approach, but I’d like to do a few approaches this week. Mainly I want to develop SC though.
The urge for companionship (not even sex, I’m still controlling my mood/sleep by getting off too often) is getting really strong, and it’s spurring me into action, if gradually, then irrepressibly.

I think the next few weeks will be at least interesting.

 

[Conquistador]

After reading this thread, it became clear to me that all my previous misadventures have been rather halfhearted.

Right now, I need to get a strong grip on my overall life, and only then will I be able to pursue women more seriously than pro forma.

I’m definitely making progress doing so, but not fast enough. So it’s time to change up some things.

I’ll post in the other journal once I have a more detailed plan about that.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m planning on going to a party next week with Swiffer. It’s a start-of-semester party by the acting school of a certain local place, and the ratios will be likely reasonable. Our goal will be connections and networking, as well as becoming more comfortable with the format.

 

[Conquistador]

Yeah so she just responded after I had almost forgotten about her:

I am not sure how to reply. But given the fact that as of yesterday I’m visiting her campus anyway weekly, I may as well see if I can get her out with me. I sense once I do so she’ll be putty in my hands and we’ll have a very romantic time, which I secretly crave due to having missed out entirely on love as a teenager.

I do rather understand the feeling of intentionally delaying responding to potential partners due to other things going on, so let’s see whether she is willing to go along with me now.

Naturally I had thrown the ball back into her court by offering to meet up before or after one of my weekly appearances at her campus. However, 1) I mistyped the day of the week and wrote the one from last semester and 2) I am taking the next week or two off due to negative experiences from last week.

Nonetheless, she said she’s available all day later in the week. Now I need merely pick a time and show up.

 

[Conquistador]

Naturally I had thrown the ball back into her court by offering to meet up before or after one of my weekly appearances at her campus. However, 1) I mistyped the day of the week and wrote the one from last semester and 2) I am taking the next week or two off due to negative experiences from last week.

Nonetheless, she said she’s available all day later in the week. Now I need merely pick a time and show up.

This was drafted as it happened (as is this one) but I posted it anyway even though had alr been overtaken by events (same here). For some reason I can no longer edit or even delete posts on phone.

In any event, I feel that I gained a lot from being patient with myself like this. Who knows what could have ensued if the immature me had gotten locked in by one of those flat-chested chicks from my first year at college.

It does, however, feel weird that I might find love before moving out. Not necessarily the ideal order of things, but it does make things more romantic and after all I’m still stuck in my mid-teens in many ways.

But if things work out with this girl (the odds are very good) and I get into a comfortably asymmetrically monogamous setup then with that solid base I definitely want to actively experiment sociosexually. Even though my first priority will still be restructuring my life, I could spare several hr/week.

Lastly, I think a lot of typical guys out there would do well to learn from my experience. I started out incurably horny and feeling unable to get a full release by myself, but over time, with the distractions of life, became almost desireless on the conscious level (despite keeping a lot bottled up). I think it helps not to have cognitive distortions like “I can’t get girls”. And the quickest shortcut to a healthy mindset is getting validation. Most AFCs can obtain that the same way teenage girls do: through body language, habits, clothes, grooming, etc.

By the way, I might as well mention that it’s been several months without a certain prescription mind-affecting drug, technically not an antidepressant but it had similar effects and was when I started this journal significantly affecting my whole life by blinding me to reality. I was more peppy, more proactive, more able to go the extra mile, but also less socially calibrated, less reflective, and less self-aware.

I’m glad I went off it. Despite the result having been months of external stagnation and more frequent mild “negative” feelings, it was worth it several times over. Before, I was like an Audi TTS being driven by the Energizer Bunny. Now, I feel like a Camaro driven by Eeyore.

[Now for the FR]

 

[Conquistador]

FR: first date in a while

I let her pick the spot on campus, and arrived 5 min early, wearing khaki shorts, a rugged button-down short-sleeve shirt, and a brand-new ball cap, which I had bought a couple hours earlier. She, however, was 10 min late due to a club meeting going too long, which I let slide because we aren’t yuppie strangers in Manhattan.
I had never actually seen her with her mask off but she has a nice face, although she had makeup on (idk whether it was for me), and her ample curves were
I suggested we sit down on a bench some distance away while we caught up. Initially she sat down at a neutral distance, which I over the course closed without touching her.
I think overall this was correctly calibrated. She wasn’t giving me much of any kind of signal, neither positive or negative. How wholesomely naive. So I tried over the whole date to move closer while respecting her boundaries. Anyway, we chatted. I happened to mention my plans for a weekly chill non-party, which I didn’t overthink but in retrospect sets exactly the right frame.

After a couple min I decided to move us so we walked around. At this point I got a minor positive wild card: I crossed paths with a petite quirky-cute girl I knew and she gave me a smile and wave even before greeting distance. In fact, I’d be down to cover that girl but I think she said something about dating a girl at some point (wasn’t in English so I could have misunderstood).

We ended up at the campus bookstore. She bought a bunch of memorabilia for the game
next week; I had her try on some faux-mascot-y headgear (as in I gently put it on her head), which went well with her (she looked like a cuddly Mesoamerican amazon) but was overpriced and also slightly loud for her tastes. I took us downstairs to look at books and spent nearly 200 on a bunch before removing myself so as not to get out of control. As we went up and down the escalators, instead of standing behind her I leaned forward and sideways onto the railing-thingy to be beside her.
After that, she had to meet with a friend for some project off campus.
I walked her 2/3 of the way or so, and when we reached a point that I felt was right (break in convo, not too many people nearby, not too close to the edge of campus) I pulled her in for a hug. It started as a side hug since she didn’t seem super on board, but then she sort of snuggled up to me (she doesn’t reach my shoulder) and we held each other close. I was carrying a big pile of nonfiction in my right arm because the bag was flimsy af, which prevented anything further. She also let slip right then that she’s I like her lack of coyness. I suppose coyness and escalation invitations go together, after all.

Overall I was comfortable, super chill, and let pauses happen. She did about 60% of the talking, laughed at pretty much all my jokes, and was positive and engaged, albeit as I said not giving much sign of being open to escalation.

It helped that I’m on a 2.5 day streak, although it doesn’t feel like it due to mildly insufficient sleep. Gonna see how long I can last, might be long enough to shoot my next load into her if I can. Other conditions for once again achieving a long streak seem to be present.

Anyway, everything seems to be going well. A kiss would’ve been ideal, but given the chill circumstances and that I clearly would have if she had been more open, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

That said, I am going to be a lot more escalatory next time.

 

[Conquistador]

Tonight I’m going to a real college party (not a Greek one obvs) for the first time. I’m bringing Swiffer and hopefully also a third guy.

I’m gonna focus on making social connections rather than trying to get laid, but I’m on a 5-day streak and counting so something could happen.

 

[Conquistador]

Well, it was a long night.
I (correctly as it turned out) strongly wanted to get there right on time for the start because I felt it would be easier to meet strangers and fit in that way. However, Swiffer kept myself and 3rd bro waiting for almost an hour. In the meantime, I went around the corner and bought a Mountain Dew (which ended up having mixed effects). Thanks to Uber, we made it barely a half hour after the beginning, which is to say that 80% of people were alr grooving. Guy #3 barely talked to anyone and wandered off elsewhere after a few drinks. I found out later he was expecting a warehouse rager or something, and not a backyard full of people awkwardly mingling and dancing. In any event, I spent as much time calibrating and just processing the vibe as I did meeting people, although I did plenty of that as well. However, it was hard to have real conversations because people were packed like sardines and they made the music too intense for such a small space. I also was one of the tallest people there and felt like I stuck out, as did Swiffer because he was overdressed (unlike me, who at least was dressed chill). I got AMOGged at one point (despite not having done much to elicit it) and handled the guy very calmly. Afterward I briefly got physically anxious, but pulled myself together rapidly and hung closer to Swiffer just in case.
Then, after less than two hours there, the cops showed up and everyone had to leave. I wasn’t expecting that, and it did cut things short, but things didn’t end there.
As far as I’m concerned, I got boatloads of XP and one contact. But more importantly plenty of faces and names, and a better sense of how this party thing works.
Now, as this was happening Swiffer started feeling the urge to pee. For some reason he didn’t want to use the bushes.
At this point something interesting happened. We passed a mixed group of revelers, and I recognized one of them. This girl’s IG looks extremely hot in a girl-next-door way, but when I passed her, it unsurprisingly became clear she wasn’t as superlative in reality. Still quite attractive, but not that much more than some others (I rarely use numbers these days but she was maybe 8.75 and her IG looked 9.8).
We went back to the main campus, which was being patrolled by security guards due to last spring’s shenanigans. They wouldn’t let us in anywhere, as outsiders, even places open to students. Thankfully, we found a nice janitor who did. By now it became clear Swiffer was a little drunk, but I didn’t mind. I probably should have had one or two, and I would have if the cops hadn’t showed up, but that’s not important for these purposes (by the way, I got a lot of feedback but I’m not gonna get into it here).
Now the next thing was to get home. I had a feeling my best bro would be awake (which ofc he was) so I called him and he came. While he was en route we went to find the third guy, who was chilling in a nearby gas station with some randos and a couple black girls, who hit on all three of us and dispensed some sage advice (“if you fuck a nigga, tell a bitch first”).
My best bro extracted us. The other two started drunkenly chatting about our adventures in the back seat, while I chatted soberly with our chauffeur. He dropped them off, and then we ended up driving around for over three hours and talking about things.

The most important takeaways from that convo are 1) I’m now having to do a lot of thinking about how serious a relationship I really am looking for. Maybe I just want an FwB, or maybe I want a lovey-dovey romance. I don’t know.
The other thing is that he pointed out that I’m still internally repressed to a degree and also that in addition to repressing my sexuality, I’m not just repressing but almost suppressing aspects of my inner self because of negative past experiences.

In any event, once I’m done processing all this I can’t wait for next week.

Buuuut I need to focus more on less exciting things for at least the next few days. I’m not done setting up the next phase on the road to total independence and freedom (although tbf I should be glad my parents didn’t bother me the way Swiffer’s did.)

 

[Conquistador]

I haven’t yet looked into going to more cheap parties, but I probably should. Also, I’m concerned that my parents demanded a set-piece confrontation tomorrow, and it might be over Thursday night (I stupidly knocked on Swiffer’s door at 10:15pm and his mom responded uncharacteristically negatively; nonzero chance she told my mom), or possibly over vague and not entirely correct (someone from campus told me over the phone that my little brother appears to have a gf, and my brother, overhearing this, ironically started teasing me [who unlike him still believes] about being “unchaste”), ideas that they might have about my dating life. Anyway…

I was mentally preparing myself to let go of the girl I had gone out with on Tuesday since she didn’t immediately respond to my follow-up text…

But then I realized that in an SC setting with a fairly conservative girl, a man shouldn’t be going into auto-rejection this fast.

That said, I feel like I could have done more to actively build rapport and intimacy. But frankly I wasn’t sure what to say to move things along.
What the hell, I don’t care. I’ll ping her with something open-ended at some point, but if she doesn’t respond to that, better zero active leads than this.

Really, while I don’t know that her attraction had expired exactly, if I had been in a position to go out with her last year or spring, things might’ve been smoother.

This week I’ll be meeting at least a couple new girls via SC. I’m going to take her advice to stay active with campus extracurriculars seriously.

Really, I just need to vastly increase my surface area so as to meet more girls who interest me beyond their looks.

I also am about to attempt an aggressive fat-loss program again and hopefully get it down to a minimal level so I can start intentionally bulking (which seems to come naturally to me).

 

[Conquistador]

The confrontation with my parents was about something completely different than what I was expecting. Something, however, that massively impacts this journal.

Things have changed. The rules are different. And I will definitely be taking action throughout my life.

 

[Conquistador]

I realized that for now, I don’t need most of the things I desire from women (threesomes, wild adventures, romantic moments, etc.) in the long run. My life will become much simpler if in the short-medium term I just have a reliable, satisfactory, healthy outlet for my sexuality. Lots of touch is also important. That’s it.

The real question is…am I willing to even open up emotionally? I don’t know. And if I go that route, I don’t have a good template for what a college LTR should even look like.

I think that maybe I need to escape my parents in order to relate to people in a completely natural and healthy way. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I’m basically at a dead end and the obvious solution is to become independent.

Also, if I’m going to focus on connections over networking, that means people I have stuff in common with. For various reasons I don’t have a lot in common with the average college girl (for example, I’ve noticed vibe more easily with grad and even doctoral students as even though emotionally I’m not yet where they’re at, cognitively and worldview-wise I kind of am. Vibing with people my own age and younger is a major long-term area to improve in, but at the moment, I shouldn’t create unnecessary challenges for myself.

So, with that, my thoughts naturally went to this video that my brother had sent me a couple days back.

Well, come to think of it, maybe an older woman would be a good fit for me right now. The ideal candidate would have a lot of traits associated with the more chill-cuddly archetype of cougar.

Well, once I’ve set it down in writing like that, it just feels right. Today is a lazy day, but the rest of the week most certainly isn’t. I’ll have to think more seriously about ways and means if I want to go cougar hunting.