Next! Or Next not...?

[Drck]

Many times I read advices to NEXT the girl. It is definitelly a good and effective strategy, can't really say that it is wrong. Simply forget her and move on... but at the same time there is more to it, depending on the style a guy is using...

Personally I would be careful with NEXTing every girl that is not responding after failed attempt. There might be more reasons why she is not responding, for example she is currently in relationship, she is 'closed' to any sexual advances, she might be thinking that she will follow up and then she gets cought up in something, she might fall into autorejection and so on...

However, ALL these reasons can change. She can change her mind, she can break up with her BF, she can 'open' and so on. Maybe not right away, within 3-10 days as the guy is hoping for, but she may come back after several weeks, even months...

I've experienced this 'come back' several times, it goes like this:

1. You invest into her, you show her that you are interested

2. She drops you, she won't reply
* Here, inexperienced guy here would get dramatic, overreacting, too emotional, insulted,... He keeps chasing and chasing...
* Experienced guy usually recommeds NEXT
* I recommend don't do anything, leave the end 'open'. Maybe follow up with simple text, say 1-2 weeks later. Depending on the girl she may reply nicely, or not at all. If she doesn't go for a date at this time, she is probably gone - for now... You can add some little flirt, little chase, but it is safe to consider that she is gone. You should sort of move on

3. BUT - Don't be surpriced if she contact you in the future. Weeks or months from now? Maybe you meet her again. Maybe she finds you on FB. Maybe you text her something silly 3-4 months from now on FB, it is not important...

Here comes the interesting thing:
* Most likely she will not contact inexperienced guy who was over-reacting and dramatic during the break up
* Most likely she will not contact guy who NEXTed her because she may feel sort of insulted
* However, she MAY contact guy who left the end open, who ended it without any drama but just with cool attitude. I don't know what are other guy's experiences but this happened to me several times, and usually with girls I chased a little. Said differently, it is Round #2 - except this time she knows exactly what you are after, she already is familiar with you, this time she is 'open', and this time she is sort of 'chasing you'...

The key is in injecting a good interest in her, leaving it open and remaining cool if she choses to dump you, and definitelly not to chasing. If she comes back later on, all you have to do is "allow her to chase you"...

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

The key is in injecting a good interest in her, leaving it open and remaining cool if she choses to dump you, and definitelly not to chasing. If she comes back later on, all you have to do is "allow her to chase you"...

Agreed. Being married there a few women that I have an open ended relationship with. They know that if something happened to my marriage then I would be open to them. Some of them are married themselves which makes the odds of anything happening less but some are single. I see most these ladies regularly but some occasionally. I'll admit that these ladies are the ones I would consider to a longer term relationship with. I don't really see spending the energy on someone I would just consider a lay in this situation. But in the situation that Drck discusses there is very little investment so why not leave it open.

 

[Estate]

It's not untrue that not every woman is "lost" if she stops contacting you or whatever it is... there are times you may still get her.

But if we're really going to define to concept of the "Next!" then I personally feel there's a subtle difference


- You're making advances with a girl, you want her. She stops responding. You make efforts to regain contact. Now she's got the power. She doesn't see you as the guy for her and she's controlling the situation.

- Nexting a girl is a subtle difference. The power is in your hands. If she doesn't respond to your text, you won't keep trying, you delete her number. If she does or says something suspect or not aligned to what you're looking for, you cut it off. She's done, your decision. It could be not responding to your text or it could be anything really where you either feel she's disrespected you somehow, or to a lesser extend, her behaviour has shown you enough that she's not worth pursuing any longer. The decision is in your hands. Even if technically SHE stopped responding to your text, YOU made the decision not to chase it.

Really some guys just lose their mind when they should know to walk away. It's a mental thing but the power is back in the guys hand now. It was HIS decision, not HERS.

In the case of her contacting you long after cutting contact... well, I will give some people the benefit of the doubt but more times than not I would advise against it. You need to have the abundance mentality. By the time she regains contact, she has been disrespectful to you already, you know she's not reliable or trustworthy, does she really want you now, or does she want the attention until she finds another guy? What are her intentions? Are you really a priority to her or is she lonely? Ask yourself those questions.

In reality, you should have moved on, have the mindset that "she had her chance with me and she threw it away, silly girl had no idea what she could have had!".... and by then you'll already be focusing your time on new girls to come into your life.

Funny, this exact situation you describe happened me this weekend, I turned it down. There is a longer history there than I can write but she had other motives and I knew it wasn't a good idea. Needless to say the weekend passed and she text me more, I was right about her intentions and really glad I turned down sleeping with her. Besides, left me free to meet a different girl that night

 

[ray_zorse]

I think both Drck and Estate have good points, I think it also depends how they handle themselves, some girls are just extremely honest and straightforward and do not want to leave an awkward situation hanging, so they will contact you and explain themselves (investment), others do almost exactly the same thing but it comes off manipulative, there ar so many nuances. But overall it's good to match investment levels, if she doesn't respond to you she shouldn't be upset about being NEXTed, if she does (and it's not a green light) then I think Drck has good advice.
Ray

 

[Big Daddy]

By the time she regains contact, she has been disrespectful to you already, you know she's not reliable or trustworthy, does she really want you now, or does she want the attention until she finds another guy? What are her intentions? Are you really a priority to her or is she lonely? Ask yourself those questions.

I was about to post that I agree for the most part with Drck said but this right there put me right where I needed to be. You're right, these are all valid questions. But I didn't achieve absolute abundance yet so that's something I have to consciously remind myself of.

Still, if she contacted me because she's DTF for whatever reason, why not? It's just for fun, I don't see a reason not to do it. I don't care if I'm a not a priority for her at that moment given that she's willing to swallow my dick.

 

[Estate]

By the time she regains contact, she has been disrespectful to you already, you know she's not reliable or trustworthy, does she really want you now, or does she want the attention until she finds another guy? What are her intentions? Are you really a priority to her or is she lonely? Ask yourself those questions.

I was about to post that I agree for the most part with Drck said but this right there put me right where I needed to be. You're right, these are all valid questions. But I didn't achieve absolute abundance yet so that's something I have to consciously remind myself of.

Still, if she contacted me because she's DTF for whatever reason, why not? It's just for fun, I don't see a reason not to do it. I don't care if I'm a not a priority for her at that moment given that she's willing to swallow my dick.

True, here is where you need to stand back and have a little perspective.

When I say she was disrespectful, I don't mean it in a harsh begrudging way, more of a *shrug shoulder* "I guess she missed out on me!"

If you literally see it as, meet her, sleep with her, then once she leaves, forget it until next time... sure, if both of you can reasonably maintain doing that with zero emotion or zero drama... go for it.

But here's where I'd pull back:
- She wants a meetup or some sort of date. Like, she cancelled, or ignored you or whatever... you're gonna buy her dinner/drinks/coffee/whatever? Hmm... this I give the side-eye. Would you do that if a friend of yours dropped off the face of the planet for a few weeks/months? No way! They have some explaining to do if they want to win you back over. It also shows she's got you around her little finger. She can hit you up, get a free meal, then split again. Personally, I'm not into it (see the girl I mentioned above. Happened a few times I'll admit but now I've cut the chord for the better.)
- You have any feelings for her. You CANNOT go back into this being of the mindset you want to win her over. If you can seriously fuck her and leave, sure, but if you can't do that without some emotion or neediness after on your part, don't do it.
- You are not sleeping with/meeting other women. Goes hand in hand with the one above but again, it's about the non-neediness. She needs to win you back over, not vice-versa. If you're talking to other women, you might *like* some easy sex but you won't *need* it, so you can make a more informed decision then.

Look, I will acknowledge there are exceptions to every rule. There's a chance a girl went cold you you as she was dating another guy, then realized it was a big mistake and, with some humility, attempted to see if you were still open to it.
Contrary to my first story, I have 2 good female friends who I dated when I first met, overtime we got back in touch and still hangout, but we can do it with no romatic feeling, we just enjoy hanging out and the split wasn't really anything bad.

Anyway, it's possible the girl COULD come back in that sense. And you know. That's ok, I don't hold grudges, I can give it a chance if I'min a position to do so.

The main point being, a lot of guys will SAY they are going back to her "for easy hookups" and nothing else. But the reality is, they are not seeing other girls, their judgement is clouded, and really they are still trying to win over the girl. In that case... I'd stand back and assess if you're doing the right thing. Millions of other women out there....

 

[Eternity]

I nexted 2 girls from work who were either playing hard to get or disrespected me for no reason except for the simple reason they felt entitled to. I cut off all contact with both, no words, no texts, nothing unless its strictly job related. Felt good and I am outcome independent from both. They will have to win me over if they want my attention back if not, I really do not care. It's all business to me at work, it should be easy ,as Estate says, if you have abundance mentality, if not, better get new leads...

 

[Franco]

Fellas,

I'm going to provide a slightly different angle here as I don't think anyone's touched on it.

When it comes to "NEXTing" a girl, I think you should be doing it much more often when you don't have abundance with women -- in other words, when you're learning to get good with them.

The reason for this is that it's much easier to get attached to women who are giving you the run-around when you're new. You don't know how to interpret signals well, and you are much more capable of getting attached to women too easily. If a newer seducer NEXTs a girl who isn't giving very clear signals, it's better for him because he can move on and continue leveling up his skills. He needs to get good at consistently bedding women with his process first; once he can do that, he can start incorporating bringing women back from radio silence and bedding them as well.

So, likewise, when you have abundance, you actually will be much better off not NEXTing every girl. I rarely ever completely NEXT girls these days unless they break some very obvious rules of mine that make me no longer pursue them, or if I decide their personality is so mundane and boring that it's not worth the effort re-engaging, even if she wants to.

When you have abundance, you don't worry about getting attached to women, so you can leave them on the perimeter of your circle (usually by keeping their cell phone number saved in your phone along with her text messages) and then reply if you happen to get a random text from them in the future, as Drck has mentioned above.

So, to sum it up: if you're new with women, you should be NEXTing lots of them so that you can continue to learn and not get distracted by women who are being aloof. If you're experienced with women, you can start leaving women in the wings for future opportunities, as Drck's initial post suggests, because you don't have any emotional attachment to them and they aren't preventing you from meeting new women in the meantime.

- Franco

 

[Drck]

Good responses & good point Franco