Pet Peeves

[Thedoctor]

Hey guys,

Just wanted to gain some insight on this. If you're in a relationship, do you allow a person to ask you to change to accommodate their pet peeves. Maybe it's some minor things like talking with food in your mouth, or using some foul language, or making that "slurp" noise when drinking coffee. Little things such as those.

Is it okay for the person to ask the other person to change? And if so, where do you draw the line? Lest you want to have a long list of "deal breakers" that leaves the other person feeling like they have to walk on eggshells. I've had a few arguments on this subject with people and it seems they disagree with me. I've always felt that pet peeves are that individual's problem, not the world's. If you hate it when people chew loudly, for instance, that is your problem to deal with and get over. I think it's unfair that you would ask everyone in your life to change so as to accommodate your pet peeve.

I was going to post this in the relationship section, but this also happens in many other dynamics, family, friendships, etc.

I'm just curious to get your guys' thoughts on this.

-John

 

[Chase]

Doctor-

Just wanted to gain some insight on this. If you're in a relationship, do you allow a person to ask you to change to accommodate their pet peeves. Maybe it's some minor things like talking with food in your mouth, or using some foul language, or making that "slurp" noise when drinking coffee. Little things such as those.

I think this has to be dependent on what the peeve is. If you blindly accept everything anyone asks you to change, you'll look like a follower (and end up like Aesop's miller, son, and donkey - try to please everyone, and you will please none). On the other hand, if you're totally closed off to criticism, not only do you look insecure and closed-minded, but you shut yourself away from valuable feedback that sometimes is pointing out things you've been getting wrong and need to fix.

I find the best way to deal with these things is, if it's not delivered too critically, to sit and think about it for a moment, and if I see the value in the thing I'm being asked / pointed out to change, agree the person is right, and change it. e.g., if someone asked me, "Would you mind not speaking with food in your mouth? It's kind of gross," my reaction would most likely be to laugh, then say, "Okay, yes - you're right. Sorry about that - it is gross. I'll quit doing it. Thanks for pointing it out to me." And then I wouldn't just stop that with that person, but everywhere, because it's something I've listened to and agreed with the person is gross / hurting my overall presentation.

If the other person is edgy or rude, I'm not going to throw consideration out if they do have a good point, but you need to assert yourself back to not look like a pushover. Depending on the level of rudeness / selfishness in the request, it could be as simple as leaning in close with a big grin and saying, "You mean like this?" as you talk and chew your food at the same time, before leaning back and saying, "Okay, yes - you're right..." If s/he's REALLY rude, you can say, "You know, you have a point, and I SHOULD change that, but you're just so rude in how you say it that I'm strongly tempted to just do it a lot MORE instead," and they'll usually apologize at that point and then you can say you'll change it on more neutral ground.

If it's something you don't agree you need to change, just say, "Well, I'm sorry that bothers you, but that's just how I am, and I don't see that as a huge thing that absolutely must be changed. If necessary, we can always eat in other rooms and join each other later. Or maybe I could drape a napkin over my face so you can't see my mouth when talking to you," (last two sentences said jokingly, of course). Feel free to add in a, "Hey, you do things that bug the heck out of me too, but I grin and bear it because that's what relationships are all about."

Chase

 

[Thedoctor]

On the other hand, if you're totally closed off to criticism, not only do you look insecure and closed-minded, but you shut yourself away from valuable feedback that sometimes is pointing out things you've been getting wrong and need to fix.

Yup, I am guilty of doing that.

Thanks Chase! This is the main reason I come here: To see things from a different perspective and change my mental model. I continue to be humbled by how much I still learn here. I'll take the advice and try to be a little more open to criticism.

Thanks again!

-John