Physically escalating on dates - has anyone else had this problem?

[Beam]

I posted this in my journal but I'm wondering if anyone here has any tips on how to fix it.

I'm starting to realize why my physical escalations on dates are either non-existant or awkward on dates now. I was on a date on thursday, hadn't masturbated for a few days beforehand and was really horny so I thought this would help, but as soon as she came and I saw her for the first time, even though she was attractive, the horniness disappeared. And I've realized this usually happens on my dates - it disappears and I focus on her and the conversation. Now if it remained even a little bit it would make escalating a lot easier because my intent would be there and it would seem natural. At some points in the conversation when I really made myself focus on her appearance I started getting hornier and trying to get closer, but this came at the expense of the conversation and while this was happening I didn't take in a word she was saying. Also, because it happened sporadically, to her it might have seemed a bit weird that before I was almost fully platonic and then now, at a random point 20 minutes into the date, I'm suddenly smiling and trying to get closer. In fact, this doesn't just happen on dates, it happens with a lot of interactions I have with attractive women.

I'm not really sure how to fix this issue of staying horny while fully immersing myself in the conversation - it's usually one or the other. This is a big part of what's holding me back I think. Has anyone else had a similar problem and overcome it? If so, I'd love to know how you did it.

 

[JacobPalmer]

I think in your case you're just losing sight of why you're on the date. You're not there to make conversation - you're there to take this girl home, ravage her, and give her a night (or a lifetime) to remember. If you keep your eye on the ball in that case your conversations should never be that platonic. Yes deep dive her and make her feel comfortable, but always be moving forward with the interaction.

Also, in your post you said something about you trying to get closer. Nope - you need her to come closer so it's easier for you to put your hands on her, whisper in her ear, kino etc. Just be aware of that.

Did you get a second date?

 

[NewBeeWinner]

SpookyTannedMoose,

It's good that you're focusing on her and the conversation, but as JacobPalmer said, you're not there to make PLATONIC conversation. Yes you should deep dive, illicit values, be vulnerable, relate, qualify, screen, etc. Work on being a more sexual guy and talking more about sex and relationships and feelings. Let it show that's its just a part of who you are as a person.

What I would suggest for you, because this is what I do, is to use sex talk in your conversations. Don't use it abruptly, but weave it naturally in the conversation that should already be somewhat sexual in nature. This will let you focus on the conversation while staying horny AND getting her horny as well.

Have fun

NBW

 

[Beam]

I think in your case you're just losing sight of why you're on the date. You're not there to make conversation - you're there to take this girl home, ravage her, and give her a night (or a lifetime) to remember. If you keep your eye on the ball in that case your conversations should never be that platonic. Yes deep dive her and make her feel comfortable, but always be moving forward with the interaction.

Also, in your post you said something about you trying to get closer. Nope - you need her to come closer so it's easier for you to put your hands on her, whisper in her ear, kino etc. Just be aware of that.

Did you get a second date?

Thanks for the advice, you're right. I'm still trying to shed the nice guy expectation of "getting to know them" on the first date only and still haven't really internalized the fact that it is possible to sleep with someone on the first date, since I never have. This is a slow reprogramming process. I'll keep this in mind, especially the part about getting her closer to me, not the other way around.

I did, the second date is this Thursday. It's at a joint near my house so I'm going to work out a rough plan for how to get it back to my house!

It's good that you're focusing on her and the conversation, but as JacobPalmer said, you're not there to make PLATONIC conversation. Yes you should deep dive, illicit values, be vulnerable, relate, qualify, screen, etc. Work on being a more sexual guy and talking more about sex and relationships and feelings. Let it show that's its just a part of who you are as a person.

What I would suggest for you, because this is what I do, is to use sex talk in your conversations. Don't use it abruptly, but weave it naturally in the conversation that should already be somewhat sexual in nature. This will let you focus on the conversation while staying horny AND getting her horny as well.

Good points. I usually do talk about sex and relationships - but it's usually in an almost bored way which shows her I have some experience (like, talking about the months I spent with the FWB from tinder a few years ago, how awkward it was running into people you'd hooked up/slept with in the small town I came from, and competing for girls with my friends) not in a fun, flirty way that gets her excited.

Feelings, now that's something I don't talk about very much at all. I also don't really show much vulnerability either. Will note this down. Thanks!

 

[JacobPalmer]

I like the attitude! You're going to do great.

The "reprogramming" can take time, I've been there myself. You really just need 1 experience of pulling on the first date and then you'll be like, "Woah, I can actually do this." You'll get there though I know it. Also, you'll be surprised how much easier it is to get to know her, and I mean really know her, after you've slept with her. Because then all the walls are down and it's so much easier to connect etc.

Glad to hear about the second date! What is your plan, I'd love to hear it.

 

[Beam]

Thanks dude! I just had the date. The plan was to start out with a quick meal, then slowly work my way back to my house, first stopping at a few bars and then an ice cream shop. She's big on music (singing) and so I was going to invite her to my house to show her my guitar and the song I've been making in Ableton.

Unfortunately, this girl seems very conservative and and I'm a prime boyfriend candidate (we're both the same age, and from the same background, though she seems a lot more traditional - whereas I've been almost completely westernized and am not generally attracted to girls from my own background which sucks - but this ones very cute). She also hasn't been on a date since November and apparently was never interested in dating until after uni (I didn't date much in uni either but that wasn't because of a lack of interest, more that I sucked with girls even though looking back there were soo many interested in me)

Here's the breakdown of what happened (spoilers, she didn't come over!)

From the get go at the food joint I took your advice. Leant back instead of forward, used strong body language, teased her. Took the advice on eye contact I read here and used it intensely at certain moments and I could tell it was having a minor effect as she would pause for a while when I was doing it, but then keep talking. Granted the conversation here was platonic. When I mentioned we were going for drinks afterwards she said that she could only have two, because she needed to get a cab to her car and then drive back (My brain was working overtime to try to figure out what to say to leave it open but it came up short - I decide to ramp up the physical escalation to hopefully help change her mind)

After food we went and got drinks, and I positioned myself next to her, maintaining the same strong eye contact most of the time. I teased her and touched her leg at points. Occasionally she would do the same. At one point I complimented her on her nails, grabbing her hands in the process. Her leg alternated between being close to me and far away. I got the first round, and when she got the second we switched positions and I was now between her and her bag, just where I wanted to be (I even held in a piss so I wouldn't move, lol). She was still keeping her distance.

I transitioned the convo to dating/tinder and what it's like here in the big city as opposed to the small town I came from (which she coincidentally lived in for years too), which is where I found out about her dating history. Also demonstrated pre-selection by casually talking about some tinder experiences I had which I could tell interested her a lot. Had my arm extended out on the couch brushing her shoulder, but she wasn't moving any closer. At one point we saw two other couples on the couch with the girls being held by the guys. She commented on that and I joked "why are you sitting so far away then, come here" - she laughed but didn't move closer. At this point I actually think it's due to her lack of experience, not only a lack of pure attraction.

Right at the end, when it was time to leave, I told her she had to get her bag herself (it was still between me and her). She laughed, clearly knew what I was doing, leant over me and kissed me, then I gave it to her. She even mentioned how smooth that was.

Walked back to where her cab was waiting, passionately kissed her again, but she broke it off.

I think a third date's almost guaranteed. But this time I'm going to invite her over for dinner (she joked about not being able to cook so I'll work that in) and show her my guitar (she's said she's always wanted to play) and go from there. She's a cool girl, I should be able to have some fun and see where it goes but I'm definitely screening a lot harder than I would have if I hadn't found this site.

Thanks to GC I know what is happening here with this girl (well maybe not everything...yet), and what her motivations are. And even though it's not going 100% to plan I still feel in control of the situation which is an awesome feeling. Before finding this site I'd pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was going to get with some girl eventually and she would be cute, but not great. Hell, I probably would have been a lot keener on this girl. And we'd have sex occasionally, when she wanted it. And it wouldn't be that passionate. But now I'm holding myself to a much higher standard - I want a girl who actually truly wants me above anyone else, not a "you'll do". I hope I can do it, because now if I fail I'll truly be unhappy for the rest of my life whereas before I would have probably lived in (blissful?) ignorance.

 

[JacobPalmer]

Glad to hear, it does sound like it went really well. The bag move was definitely smooth. Also a good call on dinner at your place. Only advice I'd give is when kissing be the one who breaks it off unless you're in a position to escalate all the way. Other than that good luck on your third date!