Problem During Conversation How Do I Fix This?

[MakeHerHappy]

Last night me and two cousins went out. Me and my first cousin were 5 years (we both 23 while the second is 18) older than our second cousin. Our second cousin seeks for our advice, he ran into this quite complicated mutual relationship but I don't want to go into much detail to that. So we let him talk for half an hour, after that we knew its time to throw our advice on him because he asked us to. So I let my first cousin talks about his opinion, now its my turn but everytime when I'm about to spit my word then our second cousin kinda cuts me so its like I'm talking now while he is also talking so I stopped talking, then I did the second time and he did the same, until we ran out of time and I just kinda feel like I'm being dismissed and it's not fun for me at all. Our second cousin is a good person in heart, and I never find anything bad about him except that one thing.

It's like he doesn't want to hear my opinion, my advice, and its kinda irritating and an insult. He didn't do this to my first cousin, why he did this more often to me? I also noticed that sometimes when we talked 1 on 1 he sorts of asking me some stuff, how am I, etc but then when I'm about to talk to him he holds his phone and texting. He sort of going alpha on me I don't know.

A different situation...sometimes when I'm talking to a friend and then someone comes in like the person of no respect then that person starts talking to my friend and they kinda left me out and my friend is now entertaining that person. Sometimes, my friend didn't even bother to ask or like to reengage the cutted conversation because it's what I learned that I should not do the talking until that person reengage me, but they didn't and just fell silent instead. It's like they never care in the first place why I even bother talking to them? This are good people but its during the conversation that I find really hard to fix.

It's mind draining. Sometimes I'm somewhat breaking the rule of least effort, because now I'm trying too hard for this people. So I ask you guys, how do I handle where a person cuts you while your about to talk or your already in a conversation then someone with no respect comes in...how do I handle this? How should I react?

Please, no advice like..."Maybe they are not good people, you should get rid of them, don't talk them at all" because this are my cousin, my friends, and I can't just go throw them away and I just can't do this people just get rid of them every time I don't find them that engaging. There is somewhat needs a fix on my side.

 

[MakeHerHappy]

Anyone?

 

[Drck]

The problem is deeper, not sure about any quick fixes... See if you can work on assertiveness, dominance, work on your life. People jump into your speech and don't pay attention to you because they don't respect you, they simply don't consider your experiences and opinions valuable....

If they saw you around with lots of chicks, would they jump into your speech when you try to explain how you do it? I doubt it. If you made lots of money in business, wouldn't they want to know how you did it, and when you are explaining it, would they be jumping into your speech? Don't think so...

Learn to do things your way. It is hard, it requires energy, you need balls to do things differently than other people. When you are using "least effort" you are just following others, you don't really exert any effort, you are following somebody's ideas, you are too compliant, too easy, which basically means you have no respect...

Learn to do manly things, screw the popular "easy, good feelings" or "least effort"... That stuff is for pussies, if you want to be different you simply have to do different things.

We all know how to rest, you simply sit down and rest, chill out. It takes no effort. But there is a huge difference just sitting down and resting all day long, or sweating your ass in the fitness 3-4 times a week, lifting weights - and only then resting...

Do you want easy life? Ok, then take it easy, no effort, hopefully things will fall in your lab. Or not. On the other hand, do you want something extra? Respect? Some sort of success? Great girls? Well, then do something extra. Start with fitness, lift weights at least 3 times a week. What muscles hurt, can't walk second day? Great! You are tired, don't feel like to? Surly, I never heard that one before! Your balls got too sweaty? Even better. Get that testosterone pumping. What, is it too boring, does it require effort, determination, discipline, strong will to accomplish something? Exactly! That's why pussies can't stand it.

What else is there... I don't know, college? Masters degree? What, does it take time? You have to pay loans back because you are the unfortunate one who doesn't have rich daddy? Well, good for you. Just do it

 

[MakeHerHappy]

@Drck

So you basically saying that Chase is a pussy? I got this method from him, simply because I liked it and I have low energy and it suits me so you calling us a pussies? How does going to the gym helped me with conversation? I've been in the gym for 2 years now. What extras are you talking about? I've been doing mixed martial art for 1 year now, I've been doing football for half a year. What extras? How does it exactly helped me with the conversation? So I get what your saying that I don't get the respect I need because I don't have success with women or my life? I don't think so. So basically your post doesn't help me but thank you for your time.

 

[Drck]

Ok, never mind. Sometimes it is not only about talking, it is about the he way you are talking, about the way you are expressing yourself, about your whole body language... Which, in essence, is a reflection of your entire life. By going to fitness and persistently overcoming different obstacles and problems you are basically working on masculinity.

Look around and see people who are being listened to. Look around and see people who are talking, yet being ignored. Compare their whole body language. Hear the tone of the voice, speed, loudness, depth, articulation, pauses,...

Do they speak fast, perhaps so fast that others can't understand? Or they speak too slow? Is their speech well organized and logical, or does it jump from one topic to another without any transitions? Do they have squeaky or high pitch voice, or lower, sounding deeper voice? Too monotone, boring, without emotions? And so on, there is lots of things.

You want to work on your body language. You want to express confidence, relaxation, perhaps positive enthusiasm. You don't stand like a bum, you are erected yet relaxed. You don't wear clothes like a bum either, right? You wear good clothes, you are neat and clean, because clothes say a lot about you.

You don't hide your body with your hands when you talk, you don't cover your dick with hands or any other object. You show everybody your balls! You don't hide your hands in your pockets either, when you talk you can naturally move your hands around. Basically, you want to express with your body something like: "Look, I am here and I feel really great about myself. I have nothing to hide, I am successful, and Listen - you should hear what I have to say!"

When you talk, you don't look to the ground, you look into others eyes, with slow and dominant look. You don't look away! You are the one who is in charge, you are the one who is talking, you are the one who dominates the conversation. Others are there to hear you, not to jump into your speech! You of course don't want monologue with Great-Self either. You want conversation with people, you want good vibes, friendliness, positivity (avoid talking about negatives, avoid complaining and whining, avoid begging, avoid neediness, avoid trying to prove yourself to others,...).

You want to believe that you are a great guy that everybody wants to hear. You assume greatness and success, in your speech, the same way you Assume Attraction with girls.

You want to learn to breath slowly and deeply to your stomach, not to the chest. You want to talk from your stomach, not from chest or throat. You do talk loud enough so people can hear you, right? Loudness also relates to dominance, shy people are rather quiet, they don't want others to hear them. Is a loud guy afraid of others? I don't think so, he dominates the space around him with voice. At the same time there is no need to go overboard with loudness, you don't want to be careless jerk either, and you don't want people to think that you are deaf.

You want to have deeper voice, sounding and vibrating, you want to speak slower while relaxed (vs e.d, high anxiety). You want to articulate well, make pauses especially after important points of your speech. You tone shouldn't be monotone, it should be vibe, fluent, with lower base. Practice OM or similar when you can hear your voice pleasant, relaxed and vibrating. If you want to go overboard, you should make girls wet just with your voice, regardless of what you say.

Take a speech class in college if you didn't do so, just standing up in front of lots of people and present some topic is a great experience.

Listen how actors talk - Russell Crowe, Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Matt Damon,... All excellent voices, tones, pronunciation, loudness, speed,...

You want your topic to be organized, logical, flowing. What you say is really the least, it is more about how you say it. I know people who have lots of knowledge, but they don't know how to present it. No one listens. I also know people who are plain dumbs, who know nothing - yet people listen and listen, and they want to listen more because it is such a great talk...

Hope it helps

 

[ray_zorse]

Drck gives great advice but I have a slightly different take on MakeHerHappy's original issue (how to address the specific situation he mentions as opposed to how to avoid such situations in future).

The first thing to be aware of is that once a frame is set it takes literally years (or decades) to change. You can improve yourself all you want but you effectively cannot change your cousin's perception of you. Sure, do everything Drck says while doing what I'm about to suggest and maybe years later they may start to respect and look up to you and ask for and listen to your advice but frankly, I wouldn't hold my breath.

So what you should do is ask yourself why you are so keen to give them advice? What possible benefit does this bring to you, whether or not they follow your advice? It's kinda the status boost of being listened to/needed/the man who gives advice, that you are looking for. And this is kinda needy and unattractive. Renember that validation can only come from within. If you depend on validation from outside (your cousins, etc) you'll just become a little bitch again when it's taken away.

See where I'm going here? Just stop giving advice. Full stop. If they want it they can ask for it. But make them ask two or three times in case they're just asking you for the sake of form snd planning to speak over you. And if they do speak over you call them out "dude what is the story with your asking me repeatedly to explain this thing and then talking over me when I try to do as you ask?" But the point is they won't ask. So you'll save a lot of time and energy by not telling people stuff they couldn't give a fuck about. Instead just toss on a bored look and gaze into space when these convo's come up. Or go do something more interesting. If asked say you find it boring being a party to their private conversations. They may get it.

cheers, Ray

 

[MakeHerHappy]

@ray_zorse

I've just learned that last night and you've given me quite a review. I guess I won't be giving any advice if people doesn't ask for it until they really speak up and ask me "What would be your advice?" it's just me that I really want to help people especially my relatives. So from now on, I'll just be this listener.

I thought just now that being logical that night was useless, and that is why I mentioned that I kinda broke the law of least effort by over thinking stuff, being logical is one way of that at the end I was being dismissed and do I really owe this people? Now I think NOT because they haven't done anything for me so why should I?

I guess you both have given me a great advice, and you guys were right. It's just maybe because I still have something on my current background that need a fix and that is I have a bit of failure in my College, I've been staying here in School for a bit and supposed I was a graduate 2 years ago but I'm still here, its just now that I realize that this is the part of me where I've done a lot of failures and I guess its something that people look into and they thought..."Why would I be listening to this person's advice if he can't even stand on his on two feet?" and maybe because of this part of my life.

Man, was I'm very glad that I joined this community and every time you guys speak up and I really learned a thing or two it was the best day of my life, better having a small % added to my social skills than total 0.

Wish you guys a happy new year.

 

[ray_zorse]

You too man. We all have the same issues round here, don't worry it's not just you I know about this stuff having been a chode my whole life All of us ended up here for a reason

cheers, Ray