Problem outside the community

Richard

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Hey guys, my friend Will, I call him Oreo is having a major problem in his relationship. He's had several relationships before the one he's in currently, but this is the first time he knows he loves the girl, and she's done nothing to deserve it. She doesn't show her appreciation for what he does like "giving her $400 out of every paycheck in addition to the 2000 she gets from her family" every 2 weeks so she can splurge. They spend about one day a week seeing each other, she's defensive and won't open up her emotions to him, and doesn't like to talk to him about her problems yet he always talks to her about his problems and what's going on in his life. She's very friendly and fun with her associates (friends, family) but not with him. All her boyfriends before this one were assholes who used her and would date-break up every 3 weeks, and now she has a genuine guy who wants to be there for her. Because it's his first actual love it'll take a lot for him to break up with her. Is there ANYTHING he can do, can anyone provide some insight into this so I can pass it on to my friend?
 

ZacAdam

Cro-Magnon Man
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Zphix said:
Is there ANYTHING he can do, can anyone provide some insight into this so I can pass it on to my friend?
Nope, he wants it. He gets it.

The best thing you can do is redirect his energy. :)

Zac
 

Ross

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You act as if all of this is her fault.

This is what is known as the nice guy conundrum. I prefer to call it the weak guy issue.

Your friend pays off his girlfriend in expectation that she'll like him for it. He paints the picture as him being a victim of her cruel, manipulative ways; after all, she is defensive and won't open up. The victim mentality is strong in this one. He feels victimized because he isn't receiving what he thinks that he is ENTITLED to receive.

She's friendly with friends and family, but not you? And you say she's the problem? You tell people that all her past boyfriends were assholes who broke up every few weeks?

This man isn't genuine. Genuine people confront their problems.They don't claim victim mentality. They spend time working on fixing mistakes, rather than blaming other people and the world.

The good news is that there is hope. You can help him realize the error in the ways of his thinking. He may not like this. Perhaps, he feels perfectly comfortable within his little realm of victim mentality and blaming others for his misfortune. But he'll never become a genuine man without it. If he wants to achieve a healthy relationship, he still has much to learn, implement, and practice.
 

Richard

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Ross, thank you so much, everything you've just said is what I told him face to face last night. He's hitting severe depression because of it, and is making excuses for staying with her like "I see alot of potential in her," and things like that. I told him that he's also too nice a guy, he confronts his problems with her and brings them up to her, it makes her feel like shit, but then he provides positive emotion and she's off the hook again. I told him his mindset needs to change, and he seems stubborn in avoiding doing anything like this, and he doesn't know how to change his mindset.
 

Franco

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Zphix,

Ross has pretty much nailed it on the head with this one. Unfortunately, it seems like she has little respect for your friend, and this really isn't her fault. He is giving her material things for what he hopes is in exchange for her love and respect. Every scholar of this website knows that that is not how it works. Every woman wants a genuine man, not a guy that will serve her hand and foot and put her on pedestal.

He's hitting severe depression because of it, and is making excuses for staying with her like "I see alot of potential in her," and things like that.
For these types of situations, it's really best to just attempt to be brutally honest, and club him in the face with the truth. If you want my translation of this sentence, it's the following:

"She's one of the hottest girls (or possibly the hottest girl) I've been in a relationship with, and I don't think I'll ever find another one like her again."
As long as that's the way he's thinking, he's going to be in a depression. And I know because I've been there, and it's similar to the story of how I found this website and turned my own life around.

If he's a good friend of yours, just keep improving yourself and bringing gorgeous women into your life, and he might see your success and be willing to start changing both his victim mentality mindset and his approach towards the way he sees and handles women. Simultaneously, keep explaining how awesome this website is and how it's changed your life in a matter of weeks. ;)

I wish him the best of luck!

- Franco
 

Richard

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Thank you Franco. The reason this is such a big problem is because he's "in love" with this girl, and he feels it this time, and his logistics are completely out of whack because of it. I've been giving him the harsh reality advice that he needs to hear because like you Franco, I was in a similar situation with my ex, and I fell so hard for that girl, and eventually I had to break up with her which became the turning point in my life, and this is exactly what my friend needs. But he's in depression and denial, and even with the women who I bring up or bring around because of the site, he's not budging, he has his mind set on her, but his depression is bad, and he's not stable under depression ( I was fairly rational even in my severe depression) and he's literally either going to drive himself crazy, or hurt himself bodily, or break up with her (I have very low expectations for this one).
It pains me to see him go through this because I know the exact feeling, and I've been telling him what he needs to hear not what he wants to hear. He's trying to salvage the relationship, but he's providing 90% of the effort, and she's providing 10% maximum.
And, it doesn't seem like he's buying her things expecting love back, he's buying her things and providing her with money because money is something she desires highly, and wanting the best for her, trying to fulfill her desires, provides money and material items to her, he's not doing it expecting love back, but he'd appreciate her appreciation. Money is actually something he hates alot because of the amount of deaths it's caused in his life.
His last major problem, is that he points out the problems and talks to her about it, but she never has anything to say, no matter the subject or emotion, she doesn't talk, and is defensive to an insecure level about releasing emotion (even to a boyfriend she's had for 1 year), and that's another thing that he hates, that she doesn't talk, or, she talks to everyone that isn't him.
My opinion is, she's effectively Plan B'ed him so to speak, and by that, I mean: She's claiming him as a boyfriend to keep getting material items, and a fuck when she wants one, and is too comfortable because he's so nice a guy, he won't retaliate so she doesn't have to stop playing this game with him. But, she's not sleeping with any other guys, she's actually loyal to him, so I'm guessing she doesn't care for a relationship, and sees him once a week because it's the minimum amount of work she has to do to reap the most rewards from him.
 

Franco

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Lots of things that I'm seeing here that are not good.

He's trying to salvage the relationship, but he's providing 90% of the effort, and she's providing 10% maximum.
Once you are trying to salvage the relationship (especially as the man), it's usually a good indication that it's probably over -- it's only a matter of time. He is the "one down" by miles, and when it comes to women, there's really no going "backwards" on the way they see you. Who she sees your friend as now is who she believes he is, and to change that would be damn near impossible. This is why we recommend improving yourself and become the man a girl wants from the start. Once that happens, she will always see you that way.

And, it doesn't seem like he's buying her things expecting love back, he's buying her things and providing her with money because money is something she desires highly, and wanting the best for her, trying to fulfill her desires, provides money and material items to her, he's not doing it expecting love back, but he'd appreciate her appreciation.
Baloney. Even if that is the case, then he's buying what he "believes is best for her" so that she can see that he's a genuinely good guy and, in return, she'll respect him and love him more for it. If he was really doing what he believed was best for her, then he would cut off all monetary assistance and allow her to learn how to live life on her own two feet. Many of the women I've dated have actually been rather poor in terms of spending money, and I never do anything to assist them in this area. I want them to know that I will provide them with love and care, but not with an open wallet so that they can learn to provide for themselves.

His last major problem, is that he points out the problems and talks to her about it, but she never has anything to say, no matter the subject or emotion, she doesn't talk, and is defensive to an insecure level about releasing emotion (even to a boyfriend she's had for 1 year), and that's another thing that he hates, that she doesn't talk, or, she talks to everyone that isn't him.
This is a red flag that she inherently sees him as a weaker man that she can't relay her problems or emotions to. To make this even more clear, ask yourself this: why would a girl want to get emotional advice from a guy who seems even more emotionally unstable than she is? She doesn't see him as someone she can go to as her "rock" for support in the situations that matter the most to her. And the more he begs her to open up, the more it makes her feel like she is making the right decision in not doing so.

But, she's not sleeping with any other guys, she's actually loyal to him, so I'm guessing she doesn't care for a relationship, and sees him once a week because it's the minimum amount of work she has to do to reap the most rewards from him.
If she was sleeping with other guys, then you can guarantee that the two people she would make sure wouldn't know about it would be you and your friend. I wouldn't make any assumptions here, especially since she's only seeing him once a week. Women need sexual release too, and even if she isn't cheating on him at the moment, she might get to the point where she feels so suffocated by his weakness that she'll seek strength and physical lust somewhere else. However, I wouldn't bring this up to your friend. He's already emotionally unstable as it is, so he needs to work on getting himself out of that mindset first.

If you haven't already, get him to read the Victim Mentality article on this website. He needs to realize that he is at fault but also that he is the only one that can change things.

There's really not too much more advice I can offer... at this point, he needs to step up and try to turn his life around. Hopefully he has the will power to do it.

Good luck to you and him!

- Franco
 

Richard

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I've told him everything you've told me, and it doesn't seem like much is getting through to him. He's in huge denial of their faltering relationship, and is focusing too much on the potential the girl doesn't have. I've told him as much as I could, given him all the suggestions I could make, and he's still focused on fixing the relationship instead of ending it. He can listen to everything I have to say, and read everything you guys have written, and at the end of the day, it's going to be his decision to make, and as a "nice guy" he's not strong enough to end the relationship with her, she's not going anywhere because she's got him by the balls. I'll have him read the article, and read everything you guys have replied with, and hopefully some sense will come to him about it all.
Thank you very much Franco, I truly appreciate your replies,
Richard
 
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