Hello,
I will start by saying that I am an introverted person, somewhere in between of a flegmatic and melancholic. I found this site in October 2012 thanks to some dude on Omegle named Fernando from Chile. Because I talked about a girl that friendzoned me and I had no idea what to do. Most people that get to know me think of me as intelligent, there were some IQ tests where I got about 128, which in my country 105,6 is considered average, kind, nice, distant, a little closed off, with great ideas, creative... But to give youa glimpse of what I want to describe here on this intelligence example: There ase situations, problems to solve or general ideas and perspectives, where I think I am very intelligent about the situation or problem and then there are other situations where I just cannot solve it or have big trouble. And then I go and have a thought battle in my head about stuff like "Well this was a test more oriented on visual stuff so that is why I got better result". "And this one was a technical problem and I had to access the situation, look at the panel and find out how to operate that thing, and the woman had to tell me how to do it" (simple adjusting the driving wheel in driver's school so I could drive the car). And I end up labeling all this stuff about me and my self-esteem gets hit as a result.
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Before I continue (and you continue reading), be warned that it is mostly my rant about how I think and feel, shown and described on different situations and topics. It is a giant wall of text and I which I could it shrink it but I dont think you would understand the notions that much if I did. So, if you want to give it a try, you were warned.
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I have these periods where I feel like my whole identity is worthless. Yesterday on my way home, my first day of the semester of my last year in university I had certain expectation and it did not match the reality at all. There was this girl, one of like.. 5 the most gorgeous I have ever met in life and I was in the same team with her last 2 semesters, did not really get to know here but it seemed like she liked me. That is not really the point. My point is that my expectations did not match reality and based on this small thing I started to over-analyse my life. During the rest periods between classes I read Chase's articles like I usually do. Those core ones mostly. And I started to self-reflect on my life, on every situation there is, was, might be in the future and it made me so depressed that I had to fight to hold the tears.
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This paragraph is more about rant about value, how I view it and then ego vs self-esteem issues I have:
The biggest issue I feel is that I dont have to offer that much to other people. And on the other hand I feel like I do, but as I read the article about social value and value imbalances from Chase, I am like that guy who offers something that noone really wants. Like those guys on parking lots selling kitchen knives. I was told I am intelligent, creative, attentive, that I can help, even indirectly a lot [but that was by a girl, so she just talks about her problems, lets it out, and voila, she feels better and then says I can help peopleso my mind completely devalues this because "everyone can listen" - I understand there are people who have no idea what to do in these situations (like my father, I cried once, he called mom with words "he is crying, I dont know what to do" behind the door as she told me later after my sadness) and that I probably can do it and help people]. There was this site called 9gag, people post funny pictures (so I used to visit it to laugh) and from time to time there was someone making a meme about losing girlfriend, job and being suicidal so I wrote like 40 comments with all the things I did to get out of that abyss from mindset stuff to regular practical things like eating bananas or paprika (pepper bells) for vitamin C. And I got some great responses but as I mentioned, my ego does not get fed by this. I start to feel like I am able to do something, my self-esteem goes up. And it really is shitty feeling, like most people study and graduate college but then have to go to McDonnalds because they cant apply their education and find a job.
I somewhat lost this urge to be cool and interesting, dunno how. I understand that the general population values things like hobbies and jobs differently. Like being a lawyer is more impressive than working at McDonnalds. Which I understand. But then I am like "But there can be a dude who is just great and cool working behind McDonnalds counter, he can have other parts of his life in check. Maybe he has a potential and women like that. Or he is really funny, knows how to party or has a cottage in mountains or something". I read Chase's article about attraction factors and I related to that and understood that and found certain truth in it. But then I go back to that job comparission example and realize that there are more valued things. I have hobbies that I like, I am a creative person and always wanted to create stuff, maybe art but a lot. When I was like 10, my father brought some modeling program for planes and aircrafts called RC CAD. And I did all kinds of stuff there, from regular planes to even cars, or spaceships from Star Wars. In Warcraft III I used world editor for like 4 years, creating maps, hero abilties and spells, icons that would go well with it. I used to draw a lot since I was very little so, if I get back to it, I can somewhat draw exactly the thing that is in front of me. Lately, I have been doing some music videos, more like a trailer. I took the show SW:The Clone Wars ... ok maybe I should have started with my point - I get told how great I draw and how the video is great, but to me, it does not mean that much anymore. I guess it did many years ago. But I was told I create great things since I was in kindergarten so maybe I just expect it. But I am a perfectionist in this regard, so even if someone nit picks errors, I understand that, because I already feel that way. I got like 440 thousand views on one of those videos, which would and could feed my ego. But I dont feel anything when I see it got 10k more views or 20k that day. Because to me, only thing that matters is if *I* am satisfied with the result. And I trully believe that this is the way to go. But I have no idea how to have this mindset about everything, even social situations. Like I read some posts here about rejection. Some guy said something like "I dont care much about her not wanting me (well I would like if she did and I am not saying I dont care if she does), but I care more if I came in centred, if I was present and cool, had good posture and body language etc". And I have this mindset to a degree but my "negative part of mind" uses it as a tool to discourage me. Like, this one girl that I mentioned, we were waiting for team evaluation last semester and we (whole group, 5 people) talked about movies and she said she does not like Daniel Craig. And I said with more of a teasing tone, I really focused on that so it does not come across wrong "Is he too big for you?" and I made a little smile. And she gave me this skeptical look almost from a book of facial expressions. And then, as I recalled this interaction later on my way home I was like "You should have asked who she does like, because it makes her tell you something about herself, or you will she she will deflect it with something like "I just dont like him very much" by going back to the Craig so she does not reveal something about herself for some reason".
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This one is me "bubbling about" what it means to provide value in an interaction (because I really, really.. trully have no idea what this means). And I think this is the core reason why I dont have that many good interactions with people (meaning superficial), why I am not forming the kinds of relationships and friendships that I would like to. Well, here it goes:
Back to not trying to be cool or interesting - I do things that I like to do and I dont care much about what other people think of it. I dont look like I lift, I am toned, but not really buff. Some guy friends told me that I am (even though word buff is probably not the right one and the translation from my language is bad). I would call myself fit and toned, maybe lean, I dont know. 10% BF, 155 pounds now, 6 feet 1 inch. The point I wanted to make - if someone called a gym rat, I would disagree, I go there to work on myself, fix my insecurity with my skinnyness, get some strength, some level of confidence in myself. It is an instrument for me to build myself as a whole.
But the next point I wanted to make - someone might think of me as cooler because of that, someone will not care. And I am ok with that but then again I am like "Would I have better success in relationships and with people if I did more of this cool stuff?" and then I go "Well, the problem is mostly the vibe, I was told I am distant" (the translator told me the exact one is "abstract" but it does not feel right). Basically a person that keeps his distance and is a bit closed off). But then I am like "Well, but I fix this by fixing these issues... like doing what I like." and then -- "Maybe I am just seeking validation and want to be accepted and normal" -- "But what makes me "not normal" is my behaviour, my lack of experience with social situations" -- "But based on what Chase wrote, cool people provide value.. and I see it on my successful friends, they always have a story where they were, but there is some valueable information or a lesson. Of course they make stories to make others laught but this kind of the story is like "we were on a business trip and this and this happened and then you think this and this thing was pretty cool because this"... its like their experience gives the other people a new perspective that they would not have without them (my friend) doing that thing and later talking about it" -- and the mind goes again -- "Well, what can I use like this, what do I have? 15 years of ice hockey experience? Or some pyschological stuff like people in relationships tend to look the same after couple of years. Or that one about monkeys climbing pole with bananas and being struck by water stream, then replacing the monkeys and watching how those that were never struck by water drag the new ones down, even thought they dont know why they do it. Or women doing sports have more testosterone and like sex more and want sex more (which the only basis for that I have is one of Chase's comments). Which could make an poser because it is something that I read somewhere and might not be true at all. Or talk about some stuff about picking up like how to compliment people or that short guys might think it is them being short being rejected but the girl knows very well his facial expression was like "I will rape you" the whole interaction - just to make people think and show them certain perspective." And I end up evaluating it, dribling with it in my head if they would even care to hear that, what does not bring them... or like saying something like "the msot gorgeous women that get so much attention from guys everywhere tone their fashion down intentionally to seem more "normal" and not draw too much attention" like I read in that article, I think it was called "You are passing (or missing out on) the most beautiful girls" ... and then the mind goes again "But you read that, there is no basis for that from you yourself. You might be right about the information, but if you say this in front of a girl that does this, you might make yourself look like more valueable than you are, because you "see" or understand something that not many people understand. And she might go like "oh, that is so right, sometimes *I* do that, how did you find out (or something)" -- basically me being fake and pretending. Then, they would find out it is just a fake mask and I am not that valueable and I would lose people.
But... my goal is not to have people around me for that sake. Like, having money is nice but you dont want that for the money, right? You see the thing that the money allows you to do or buy. So, having people and friends would show me that I am a valueable person, that someone wants me around. It would enhance me in a way, it would show me different perspective on things - throught their eyes. I understand how Chase said that you need to provide the kind of things that the other person values and wants. And then I am I think what I coud work on to generally "spread my web" so that the most people want me around... and my mind goes "Well, people dont want to have disfunctional people (like you) around themselves. They want possitive, energetic, vibrant people with optimistic outlook, with hobbies and who offer somethign to them." ... I know that offering and giving people is the way to go but I just dont think I can offer anything. If I was rich, I could pay for stuff for them. But in social situations I a lot of times feel like "Why I am here?" meaning "Would it matter if I was not here?" -- "Would they notice any difference?" -- not ina away like "Would they even care?" but really like "What am I here for?" and I usually cant answer those questions. I hate group settings bigger than like 4 (including me) or maybe 5, because then, with 5 people they can form group of 4 talking about something and it goes past me becasue I cant keep up with the "thought train". Or group of 3 and I am ther with this one and it gets awkward and I try to force a conversation and they can feel it is forced. I understand that it trains me to be better at that but I feel like so horrible when I come home. I dont feel like "Great night, I trained so much it will be so great next time!" I feel like "Man, it was horribly, pretty awkawrd at times, like when this happened and we talked about this.. etc"
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This one describes my thought patern in "bad feelings" kind of situations:
And as I am sitting in the train, my mind has these two settings: 1) "depressed me" from the past and 2) "more refined me thanks to this site and ideas that I acquired from reading books". And they went like "Why would she want you around anyways? I mean look at the way you spent your summer, you were at home, going to gym. Normal people go on vacations with friends, you just sit there like some weebo behind the computer" and the second one goes "She seemed to like me before and I just had sit next to her when I entered that 60seat class and not with the friend I met 2 years ago. Then I could have talked to her" -- "Why would she talk to you? You lost almost every pound of muscle in the last week that you gained over those 4 months, you are skinny as fuck now" -- "But women dont care much about how I look, they ..." -- "they what? They care about the energy you bring in and you feel like shit, admit it to yourself" -- "I do feel like shit, I know that, it sucks, I worked so much for that and now its gone again. It took me like 2 years to get 24 pounds of muscle, I got like 19,5 in first 8 months. So I have been doing pretty shitty job past year" -- "Yea, finally you see it you moron. What do you expect her to be happy, smiley-warmy to you if you are like this, what can you bring to her? You would just sit next to her and make some medicore shitty conversation starting with "Hi" and then not knowing how to continue because the only solid conversation during summer was 2 months ago next the playground with your only real friend that is kind of a loser too" -- "But I would not feel like shit now" -- "Well but you would be like Owen (from RSD) said (in one of his videos), you would just drain from her, you would want to take away from her, her energy and positivity. Or you would sit there like a hay of adversity (we have this expression in our country)" ...... I will end the though battle here ...... I dont know if you felt like reading it all but the point is that my "depressive mind" starts to using the real ideas that I learned here and uses it to demolish my self-esteem even more. And as I am describing it now, I dont feel like I have low self-esteem. Not in every situation. But in some I do. And then sometiems I have high self-esteem. But I weight all this and because I cant reach a conclusion that would reflect the real level of my self-esteem I am like - "you are worthless anyways, dude."
Here is the thing about that losing muscle part... I lost like 6,6 pounds that I worked on for 3-4 months. The result of this is - I feel worse, weaker, it make me angry because my efforts were for nothing mostly (only like, yea I reached new max and weight). Then I go deeper, this feeling making my general mood worse will reflect on my interactions with people because I dont communicate some success, but that I am going through the mud. Which will make me fundamentally less attractive. Next, I will be skinnier even if there are articles about how skinny dudes can get girls, I just think egoistically like "I know what it is about... proportions. And I am not proportional. I am too tall for my "wideness". Or too skinny for my height." I then I picture this board or a ruler or a thermometer where 0 is where I started and like 100 is where I want to be (which is like 180-185 pounds) and I imagine a big google-type of marker sticked lower down the meter and it gets bigger like "Here, see that you loser, you are worse now".
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This next part could be described as a victim mentality:
I heard it many times - people dont change. And if they do, it is very slow process. And all these ideas and prespectives that are described here on this site start to demotivate me and make me give up for certain period of time. Because it fucking sucks that I had no real man to model myself after, taht I was bullied on the ice hockey team, that I was bullied at school (like they found out I was ticklish so every rest period they would gang up on me in a gruop of 4 - 6 and tickle me till I cried and made fun of it... and shit like that). And then I have disagreement with my brother and this monkey that I should call dad comes in, does not adress anything, sees us arguing and just beats us up and punishes us with work. Because he wants to "have peace and tranqulity" in his home. Which makes me anxious, fearful. Also as I read some muscles in around throat get more tense therefore it is harder for me to eat. I have to chew more, therefore with my higher metabolism being an ecto, eating becomes a job for me. Like, whenever I tell someone this, they dont udnerstand at all something like this has any effect on a person and second, they even tell me to not make excuses or something. Because eating is not problem for them, so they are unable to comprehend why it would be different for someone else.
So, it made the whole world against me basically. School, the only REAL hobby I had - ice hockey and home. My mother gave me some emotional support if I failed something or if we talked about some important exam. She is very understanding. But point is, I am here, with this shitty behaviourism ingraied in me because of the emotional imprint that I will probably never erase. And the mind is like "I dont blame him" and then "No, I blame him..." and ten it changes to "Well, I really should not blame him...", But the feeling is there.
I had been depressed most of my life. I hurt a girl when I was 7, I have panic attacks whenever I touch a girl (or if they touch me) that I like or care about (the feelings and like part is important) I subconsciously keep the polite distance, dont touch women. I wrote about this to Chase in of the comments and he made a suggestion that I had in mind for a time too - to find a female friend that would help me get over this. The catch is, I dont have any female friends. As a result I watched a lot of porn in my late teen years. In my early twenties (I am 24 now), I got so desentisized that I had to watch transexuals to get really hard erection. And I had some thought if I am not gay over the past 15 years, if I have any problems with my sexual orientation and overall gender identity. Because I felt very submissive and still do. I dont watch porn anymore, I actually made some home-made vajajay so I could simulate some missionary and get a physical evidence of how that would feel (meanidng sex, kind of an exercise at first, some muscles hurt). What I mean is, I dont feel any urges that I would like to pound that girl. I see a gorgeous one and I feel attracted to her but I am not sure if it is a sexual attraction or what it is. Maybe nervousness mixed with excitement because I found a girl that I like. Because majority of girls I meet are average...
And that is another thing that makes feel like shit. The girls that I like are so far out of my reach that I would have to go through all those 5s and 6s and 7s to get that 8. I dont like this rating either, I know Chase suggested not using it but it serves the purpose here. And thing is, just like most men would (as I saw some video describing a research).. for about 54% of guys the most important part of a woman is her face. Which I always thought and I cant really devalue her looks this way like Chase suggested in some post here. As I used to draw last 3 years, I drew mostly women or girls or other stuff (note: I understand that if it seems impressive to some people, but I dont think being able to draw this makes me more attractive, and since I dont think I am attractive, I want to focus on things that would make me, so at the end I dont draw that much anymore, it does not provide that much relaxationas it used to) ... anyways, the reason I mentioned it is because I always searched google or thumblr for gorgeous women and picked those that I wanted to draw. And eventually it made me looked at normal women in real life and evaluate them if I would like to draw them. So I might have damaged my perception to a degree. Or it is the opposite because whenever I met a girl like that I always was like "she looks great but who is she on the inside". Only when I started to form some expectations (or think about them) I started to get nervous around them. But that might be me what Owen from RSD mentioned in one of his videos, that I come from a frame of selling myself to women and that the less attractive ones dont make me feel and want to go for them, because "it is not worth the effort and selling myself to them". But generally, regular girls dont really catch my attention. And I feel like I have to force everything in this regard. Meanwhile, if I meet a girl like that, there is most likely so much value imbalance, their options are so much better than me, that they dont give me any of their time and I cant "practice". And I dont feel like doing that with regular girls because I really I dont want to treat them like a step in my staircase of improvement (like trying to flirt and improve my flirting). So I guess I should just suck it up and do it anyways because noone really cares I dont "really mean it". But then its like, I want to be genuine, I was always honest person. To a point that I revealed undesireable things about me and people took off from my orbit.
Anyways... back to more victim things:
The thing about this is (the childhood incident), I dont like to talk about it at all. It makes me so weird, most people cant comprehend this (at least I think it because I found that a lot of people are close minded in a lot of emotional issues). Another reason is, if I bring it more often to my conscious mind, it might make more damage than not talking about it. But I battle with the idea if I should a girl on a date if I ever get one. If I should warn her or something. Or not (because this is a feeling I get from this site), you go confidently, dont break character, if you start like a James Bond, you dont go to Chandler at some point because you feel like Chandler is more similar to your personality. Just like with that being a virgin. I feel like I shoul focus on the date, the intimacy. And if I did tell her, I would have to do it confidently like "yea, I have this hole in me and it is a big issue but I dont want it to stop me" or something.
I wanted to go to a therapist because of this but I have no money to spare and go pay for even one session. I learned yesterday that our school provides some consulting so I was thinking about going there. But the books that I read about psychology and psychotherapy tells me they might want to change my frame about this, my outlook on that and hopefuly make me like "You dont fear touching them, you fear making a connection and having someone like YOU and then losing them". Which is the next thing I indentified with this. I do feel this way, I am afraid to go and find love because I could lose it. ANd based one what I read here, I will lose it. I am fairly disfuntional in this regard. I dont even feel like I would be a good romantic partner because of my background, because I feel like I have some traits of my father. And I do, I can see it. Althought I tried to learn a lot of things so my kids would have a great dad. So I could be someone that my father was not for me. Like a satisfaction.
My father was never a role model to me. He just went to a job, if he did not like something he screamed, shouted, yelled.. all that. 0 ambition, victim mentality too. Falty mental model. He punished us (with my brother) for minor stuff by beating us and then with work around the house. And once I started to read books I realized how he taught me that "work is a punishment" basically. So now I dont have that drive to go and find work. I had never earned a penny my entire life. I worked as a financial consultant but I had one attempt and making it work (meaning one client). I felt like it is not for me, I liked the service. Today, I might have the confidence and present myself better, but the calling on the phone for clients would still make me anxious. Only thing that could be accounted as work would be "transporting" bricks from one side of a holding to another. Which meant I could get dinner from the family we stayed in. So I model myself (subconsciously I guess, people dont just chose this, they feel like the person is a bad influence for them and try to adapt the behaviour of the stronger one at home I guess) after my mom (which she was the one who was the head of our family really). But it made me more feminine. I also read some womens magazines and the reason why I did that might shock you - I was looking for an answer and some description of how a man looks like. What means to be a man. And I thought lady magazines were the way to go because it was women who were describing it. And I found some articles (I was like 12) how they like sex, but a lot of were very misleading basically.
But there are so many things that make me a loser. I have never been to an interview. I have never been to a barber, my mother cut my hair. Always. I have never been on a date (but I guess one girl was interested in me 3 years ago and we had a group project so she wanted to do it with me. after that, she said "I am glad we could finally talk" which about a year ago or so I realized it meant "I know this will not lead anywhere" kind of message". I sit behind computer most of the time. I have never kised any girl, I have never had sex. And the reason I think this all is a problem is that as the driver instructor told me - people will look at you like on a mamma boy. Its like being 35 and never being kissed, that is just weird. I might look at the dude and understand his position. And that it is weird for most people, I would not look at him badly. Surelly, it would tell me something about him. But most people, especially women would ditch him, unless he was some superstar and took great care of himself. But if he was regular, I think only some women with issues would want him.
So I feel pretty overwhelmed with all the shortcomings that I have in my life. I understand I should focus on the most aching ones now. Because I feel that I have put my time into my "wrapping" like Chase said it in one of his articles. And that my "gift part" feels like just a shit. And I understand that for some girls and people it might feel great. But the only real social interactions I have is during classes. And those are pretty medicore types of interactions. Not the kind I would like to have with people. On the one hand, I really want to get to know those people, on the other hand I dont really care about them at all. Its like, I am interested in who they are, but I dont care that much to make any effort to get to know them. Probably because my father seemed like his life philosophy was "If you want something, just wait untill you get it. And if you dont get it, well, you usually dont want it anymore at that point so it does not matter". Also as I listened to a lot of Tony Robbins seminars, I can see all these things like focusing on the process, taking action. But in my mind it seems like it will not matter anyways. Like with that working out, I will be dragged down anyways at some point. So what is the reason for that? I have so much work to do on my part.
Maybe like Owen (from RSD) said, that I seek permission. Like if some dude thinks gaming is wrong and that he could never get a girl because he is ugly. And then he sees an overweight ugly dude making out with some hot chick and thinks "Oh wait, he is uglier than me and gets girls. That must mean I can girls too". Like if I needed some evidence that I can do that things and get results. I think Franco mentioned somewhere that it takes like 3 months from 0 to see some kind of results, which I interprete as a girl going on a date with you and enjoying your company. Not really hot sex and devotion and desire on her part. And it is very discouraging for me. On the other hand I understand if I dont play the game, I cant win the game. And I understand what a friend of mine told me: "If you enjoy the game for the game itself, you will do it even if you are losing" (he talked about video game, I think it was DotA) And yes, I play videogames, because it is easy I guess. You sit there, put your time in it and there is not much risk and emotional turmoil if you lose. Well, it can, I had those, but you get what I mean, I hope.
So if I tie it to everything I mentioned and make a conclusion - I think I need to know that what I will do works. I understand that pick up and social interactions have never guaranted outcome. But as I said with the value providing part, it feels like I am not worth of anyones time really. I consider myself kinda bad friend because I have hard time keeping in touch with people. And if I knew on some level that what I do will give me at least some results, it might get me going more. But since all these friendships seem to revolve around value problems, how much you can benefit to people, the only thing that comes to my mind is to send some jokes or funny texts to friends to try make them laugh. I might draw them but I guess it would come across as me doing nice things for them and investing in them. Great for friendzone I guess. And I understand that noone can tell me what those people want because everyone wants different things. Even I cant say what I want from people. I guess sex from women (which makes me think like how women have it easier in this, because they have some fundamental value just for existing, which guys dont - maybe giving advice or moving heavy things I guess). But I dont think this ill about women, it was just a thought.
I understand some things from day to day life. I walked home one day from a train station dressed in a suit and I felt some looks because in our small town, you dont see people dressed like that. And I passed a group of gypsies and in our country they are very dangerous. I also had a lot of cash with me because I had to pay in cash something the next day. And I remember this fear being ganged up and attacked because they might think I have expensive smart phone and other stuff. I guess the way that a petite, beautiful and hot girl feels every day in some shady neighbourhood about being raped. But I dont feel like these perspectives and understandings make me more worth as a person. I just dont feel like that. I suspect that not many people know how it feels to be smaller and weaker (which I was my entire life and still am compared to some dudes). But then, maybe it does but people around me just dont know I can relate this way to them. But then, do they value people who can relate their situations and feelings? I guess so but I dont have enough reference points to be sure.
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Anyways, if you made it here, thank you for your time, probably wasted and I feel a bit ashamed for that but these periods of self demonizing that started yesterday happen to me like twice a year or three times a year and it bugs me, because I have noone to talk to - I might have, but I feel like going with my negativity to these people will drive them away and second - I dont really think they would help me because they dont have deeper understanding of things.
I just want to fix this so my life is filled with things that I would it to be filled with.
I will start by saying that I am an introverted person, somewhere in between of a flegmatic and melancholic. I found this site in October 2012 thanks to some dude on Omegle named Fernando from Chile. Because I talked about a girl that friendzoned me and I had no idea what to do. Most people that get to know me think of me as intelligent, there were some IQ tests where I got about 128, which in my country 105,6 is considered average, kind, nice, distant, a little closed off, with great ideas, creative... But to give youa glimpse of what I want to describe here on this intelligence example: There ase situations, problems to solve or general ideas and perspectives, where I think I am very intelligent about the situation or problem and then there are other situations where I just cannot solve it or have big trouble. And then I go and have a thought battle in my head about stuff like "Well this was a test more oriented on visual stuff so that is why I got better result". "And this one was a technical problem and I had to access the situation, look at the panel and find out how to operate that thing, and the woman had to tell me how to do it" (simple adjusting the driving wheel in driver's school so I could drive the car). And I end up labeling all this stuff about me and my self-esteem gets hit as a result.
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Before I continue (and you continue reading), be warned that it is mostly my rant about how I think and feel, shown and described on different situations and topics. It is a giant wall of text and I which I could it shrink it but I dont think you would understand the notions that much if I did. So, if you want to give it a try, you were warned.
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I have these periods where I feel like my whole identity is worthless. Yesterday on my way home, my first day of the semester of my last year in university I had certain expectation and it did not match the reality at all. There was this girl, one of like.. 5 the most gorgeous I have ever met in life and I was in the same team with her last 2 semesters, did not really get to know here but it seemed like she liked me. That is not really the point. My point is that my expectations did not match reality and based on this small thing I started to over-analyse my life. During the rest periods between classes I read Chase's articles like I usually do. Those core ones mostly. And I started to self-reflect on my life, on every situation there is, was, might be in the future and it made me so depressed that I had to fight to hold the tears.
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This paragraph is more about rant about value, how I view it and then ego vs self-esteem issues I have:
The biggest issue I feel is that I dont have to offer that much to other people. And on the other hand I feel like I do, but as I read the article about social value and value imbalances from Chase, I am like that guy who offers something that noone really wants. Like those guys on parking lots selling kitchen knives. I was told I am intelligent, creative, attentive, that I can help, even indirectly a lot [but that was by a girl, so she just talks about her problems, lets it out, and voila, she feels better and then says I can help peopleso my mind completely devalues this because "everyone can listen" - I understand there are people who have no idea what to do in these situations (like my father, I cried once, he called mom with words "he is crying, I dont know what to do" behind the door as she told me later after my sadness) and that I probably can do it and help people]. There was this site called 9gag, people post funny pictures (so I used to visit it to laugh) and from time to time there was someone making a meme about losing girlfriend, job and being suicidal so I wrote like 40 comments with all the things I did to get out of that abyss from mindset stuff to regular practical things like eating bananas or paprika (pepper bells) for vitamin C. And I got some great responses but as I mentioned, my ego does not get fed by this. I start to feel like I am able to do something, my self-esteem goes up. And it really is shitty feeling, like most people study and graduate college but then have to go to McDonnalds because they cant apply their education and find a job.
I somewhat lost this urge to be cool and interesting, dunno how. I understand that the general population values things like hobbies and jobs differently. Like being a lawyer is more impressive than working at McDonnalds. Which I understand. But then I am like "But there can be a dude who is just great and cool working behind McDonnalds counter, he can have other parts of his life in check. Maybe he has a potential and women like that. Or he is really funny, knows how to party or has a cottage in mountains or something". I read Chase's article about attraction factors and I related to that and understood that and found certain truth in it. But then I go back to that job comparission example and realize that there are more valued things. I have hobbies that I like, I am a creative person and always wanted to create stuff, maybe art but a lot. When I was like 10, my father brought some modeling program for planes and aircrafts called RC CAD. And I did all kinds of stuff there, from regular planes to even cars, or spaceships from Star Wars. In Warcraft III I used world editor for like 4 years, creating maps, hero abilties and spells, icons that would go well with it. I used to draw a lot since I was very little so, if I get back to it, I can somewhat draw exactly the thing that is in front of me. Lately, I have been doing some music videos, more like a trailer. I took the show SW:The Clone Wars ... ok maybe I should have started with my point - I get told how great I draw and how the video is great, but to me, it does not mean that much anymore. I guess it did many years ago. But I was told I create great things since I was in kindergarten so maybe I just expect it. But I am a perfectionist in this regard, so even if someone nit picks errors, I understand that, because I already feel that way. I got like 440 thousand views on one of those videos, which would and could feed my ego. But I dont feel anything when I see it got 10k more views or 20k that day. Because to me, only thing that matters is if *I* am satisfied with the result. And I trully believe that this is the way to go. But I have no idea how to have this mindset about everything, even social situations. Like I read some posts here about rejection. Some guy said something like "I dont care much about her not wanting me (well I would like if she did and I am not saying I dont care if she does), but I care more if I came in centred, if I was present and cool, had good posture and body language etc". And I have this mindset to a degree but my "negative part of mind" uses it as a tool to discourage me. Like, this one girl that I mentioned, we were waiting for team evaluation last semester and we (whole group, 5 people) talked about movies and she said she does not like Daniel Craig. And I said with more of a teasing tone, I really focused on that so it does not come across wrong "Is he too big for you?" and I made a little smile. And she gave me this skeptical look almost from a book of facial expressions. And then, as I recalled this interaction later on my way home I was like "You should have asked who she does like, because it makes her tell you something about herself, or you will she she will deflect it with something like "I just dont like him very much" by going back to the Craig so she does not reveal something about herself for some reason".
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This one is me "bubbling about" what it means to provide value in an interaction (because I really, really.. trully have no idea what this means). And I think this is the core reason why I dont have that many good interactions with people (meaning superficial), why I am not forming the kinds of relationships and friendships that I would like to. Well, here it goes:
Back to not trying to be cool or interesting - I do things that I like to do and I dont care much about what other people think of it. I dont look like I lift, I am toned, but not really buff. Some guy friends told me that I am (even though word buff is probably not the right one and the translation from my language is bad). I would call myself fit and toned, maybe lean, I dont know. 10% BF, 155 pounds now, 6 feet 1 inch. The point I wanted to make - if someone called a gym rat, I would disagree, I go there to work on myself, fix my insecurity with my skinnyness, get some strength, some level of confidence in myself. It is an instrument for me to build myself as a whole.
But the next point I wanted to make - someone might think of me as cooler because of that, someone will not care. And I am ok with that but then again I am like "Would I have better success in relationships and with people if I did more of this cool stuff?" and then I go "Well, the problem is mostly the vibe, I was told I am distant" (the translator told me the exact one is "abstract" but it does not feel right). Basically a person that keeps his distance and is a bit closed off). But then I am like "Well, but I fix this by fixing these issues... like doing what I like." and then -- "Maybe I am just seeking validation and want to be accepted and normal" -- "But what makes me "not normal" is my behaviour, my lack of experience with social situations" -- "But based on what Chase wrote, cool people provide value.. and I see it on my successful friends, they always have a story where they were, but there is some valueable information or a lesson. Of course they make stories to make others laught but this kind of the story is like "we were on a business trip and this and this happened and then you think this and this thing was pretty cool because this"... its like their experience gives the other people a new perspective that they would not have without them (my friend) doing that thing and later talking about it" -- and the mind goes again -- "Well, what can I use like this, what do I have? 15 years of ice hockey experience? Or some pyschological stuff like people in relationships tend to look the same after couple of years. Or that one about monkeys climbing pole with bananas and being struck by water stream, then replacing the monkeys and watching how those that were never struck by water drag the new ones down, even thought they dont know why they do it. Or women doing sports have more testosterone and like sex more and want sex more (which the only basis for that I have is one of Chase's comments). Which could make an poser because it is something that I read somewhere and might not be true at all. Or talk about some stuff about picking up like how to compliment people or that short guys might think it is them being short being rejected but the girl knows very well his facial expression was like "I will rape you" the whole interaction - just to make people think and show them certain perspective." And I end up evaluating it, dribling with it in my head if they would even care to hear that, what does not bring them... or like saying something like "the msot gorgeous women that get so much attention from guys everywhere tone their fashion down intentionally to seem more "normal" and not draw too much attention" like I read in that article, I think it was called "You are passing (or missing out on) the most beautiful girls" ... and then the mind goes again "But you read that, there is no basis for that from you yourself. You might be right about the information, but if you say this in front of a girl that does this, you might make yourself look like more valueable than you are, because you "see" or understand something that not many people understand. And she might go like "oh, that is so right, sometimes *I* do that, how did you find out (or something)" -- basically me being fake and pretending. Then, they would find out it is just a fake mask and I am not that valueable and I would lose people.
But... my goal is not to have people around me for that sake. Like, having money is nice but you dont want that for the money, right? You see the thing that the money allows you to do or buy. So, having people and friends would show me that I am a valueable person, that someone wants me around. It would enhance me in a way, it would show me different perspective on things - throught their eyes. I understand how Chase said that you need to provide the kind of things that the other person values and wants. And then I am I think what I coud work on to generally "spread my web" so that the most people want me around... and my mind goes "Well, people dont want to have disfunctional people (like you) around themselves. They want possitive, energetic, vibrant people with optimistic outlook, with hobbies and who offer somethign to them." ... I know that offering and giving people is the way to go but I just dont think I can offer anything. If I was rich, I could pay for stuff for them. But in social situations I a lot of times feel like "Why I am here?" meaning "Would it matter if I was not here?" -- "Would they notice any difference?" -- not ina away like "Would they even care?" but really like "What am I here for?" and I usually cant answer those questions. I hate group settings bigger than like 4 (including me) or maybe 5, because then, with 5 people they can form group of 4 talking about something and it goes past me becasue I cant keep up with the "thought train". Or group of 3 and I am ther with this one and it gets awkward and I try to force a conversation and they can feel it is forced. I understand that it trains me to be better at that but I feel like so horrible when I come home. I dont feel like "Great night, I trained so much it will be so great next time!" I feel like "Man, it was horribly, pretty awkawrd at times, like when this happened and we talked about this.. etc"
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This one describes my thought patern in "bad feelings" kind of situations:
And as I am sitting in the train, my mind has these two settings: 1) "depressed me" from the past and 2) "more refined me thanks to this site and ideas that I acquired from reading books". And they went like "Why would she want you around anyways? I mean look at the way you spent your summer, you were at home, going to gym. Normal people go on vacations with friends, you just sit there like some weebo behind the computer" and the second one goes "She seemed to like me before and I just had sit next to her when I entered that 60seat class and not with the friend I met 2 years ago. Then I could have talked to her" -- "Why would she talk to you? You lost almost every pound of muscle in the last week that you gained over those 4 months, you are skinny as fuck now" -- "But women dont care much about how I look, they ..." -- "they what? They care about the energy you bring in and you feel like shit, admit it to yourself" -- "I do feel like shit, I know that, it sucks, I worked so much for that and now its gone again. It took me like 2 years to get 24 pounds of muscle, I got like 19,5 in first 8 months. So I have been doing pretty shitty job past year" -- "Yea, finally you see it you moron. What do you expect her to be happy, smiley-warmy to you if you are like this, what can you bring to her? You would just sit next to her and make some medicore shitty conversation starting with "Hi" and then not knowing how to continue because the only solid conversation during summer was 2 months ago next the playground with your only real friend that is kind of a loser too" -- "But I would not feel like shit now" -- "Well but you would be like Owen (from RSD) said (in one of his videos), you would just drain from her, you would want to take away from her, her energy and positivity. Or you would sit there like a hay of adversity (we have this expression in our country)" ...... I will end the though battle here ...... I dont know if you felt like reading it all but the point is that my "depressive mind" starts to using the real ideas that I learned here and uses it to demolish my self-esteem even more. And as I am describing it now, I dont feel like I have low self-esteem. Not in every situation. But in some I do. And then sometiems I have high self-esteem. But I weight all this and because I cant reach a conclusion that would reflect the real level of my self-esteem I am like - "you are worthless anyways, dude."
Here is the thing about that losing muscle part... I lost like 6,6 pounds that I worked on for 3-4 months. The result of this is - I feel worse, weaker, it make me angry because my efforts were for nothing mostly (only like, yea I reached new max and weight). Then I go deeper, this feeling making my general mood worse will reflect on my interactions with people because I dont communicate some success, but that I am going through the mud. Which will make me fundamentally less attractive. Next, I will be skinnier even if there are articles about how skinny dudes can get girls, I just think egoistically like "I know what it is about... proportions. And I am not proportional. I am too tall for my "wideness". Or too skinny for my height." I then I picture this board or a ruler or a thermometer where 0 is where I started and like 100 is where I want to be (which is like 180-185 pounds) and I imagine a big google-type of marker sticked lower down the meter and it gets bigger like "Here, see that you loser, you are worse now".
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This next part could be described as a victim mentality:
I heard it many times - people dont change. And if they do, it is very slow process. And all these ideas and prespectives that are described here on this site start to demotivate me and make me give up for certain period of time. Because it fucking sucks that I had no real man to model myself after, taht I was bullied on the ice hockey team, that I was bullied at school (like they found out I was ticklish so every rest period they would gang up on me in a gruop of 4 - 6 and tickle me till I cried and made fun of it... and shit like that). And then I have disagreement with my brother and this monkey that I should call dad comes in, does not adress anything, sees us arguing and just beats us up and punishes us with work. Because he wants to "have peace and tranqulity" in his home. Which makes me anxious, fearful. Also as I read some muscles in around throat get more tense therefore it is harder for me to eat. I have to chew more, therefore with my higher metabolism being an ecto, eating becomes a job for me. Like, whenever I tell someone this, they dont udnerstand at all something like this has any effect on a person and second, they even tell me to not make excuses or something. Because eating is not problem for them, so they are unable to comprehend why it would be different for someone else.
So, it made the whole world against me basically. School, the only REAL hobby I had - ice hockey and home. My mother gave me some emotional support if I failed something or if we talked about some important exam. She is very understanding. But point is, I am here, with this shitty behaviourism ingraied in me because of the emotional imprint that I will probably never erase. And the mind is like "I dont blame him" and then "No, I blame him..." and ten it changes to "Well, I really should not blame him...", But the feeling is there.
I had been depressed most of my life. I hurt a girl when I was 7, I have panic attacks whenever I touch a girl (or if they touch me) that I like or care about (the feelings and like part is important) I subconsciously keep the polite distance, dont touch women. I wrote about this to Chase in of the comments and he made a suggestion that I had in mind for a time too - to find a female friend that would help me get over this. The catch is, I dont have any female friends. As a result I watched a lot of porn in my late teen years. In my early twenties (I am 24 now), I got so desentisized that I had to watch transexuals to get really hard erection. And I had some thought if I am not gay over the past 15 years, if I have any problems with my sexual orientation and overall gender identity. Because I felt very submissive and still do. I dont watch porn anymore, I actually made some home-made vajajay so I could simulate some missionary and get a physical evidence of how that would feel (meanidng sex, kind of an exercise at first, some muscles hurt). What I mean is, I dont feel any urges that I would like to pound that girl. I see a gorgeous one and I feel attracted to her but I am not sure if it is a sexual attraction or what it is. Maybe nervousness mixed with excitement because I found a girl that I like. Because majority of girls I meet are average...
And that is another thing that makes feel like shit. The girls that I like are so far out of my reach that I would have to go through all those 5s and 6s and 7s to get that 8. I dont like this rating either, I know Chase suggested not using it but it serves the purpose here. And thing is, just like most men would (as I saw some video describing a research).. for about 54% of guys the most important part of a woman is her face. Which I always thought and I cant really devalue her looks this way like Chase suggested in some post here. As I used to draw last 3 years, I drew mostly women or girls or other stuff (note: I understand that if it seems impressive to some people, but I dont think being able to draw this makes me more attractive, and since I dont think I am attractive, I want to focus on things that would make me, so at the end I dont draw that much anymore, it does not provide that much relaxationas it used to) ... anyways, the reason I mentioned it is because I always searched google or thumblr for gorgeous women and picked those that I wanted to draw. And eventually it made me looked at normal women in real life and evaluate them if I would like to draw them. So I might have damaged my perception to a degree. Or it is the opposite because whenever I met a girl like that I always was like "she looks great but who is she on the inside". Only when I started to form some expectations (or think about them) I started to get nervous around them. But that might be me what Owen from RSD mentioned in one of his videos, that I come from a frame of selling myself to women and that the less attractive ones dont make me feel and want to go for them, because "it is not worth the effort and selling myself to them". But generally, regular girls dont really catch my attention. And I feel like I have to force everything in this regard. Meanwhile, if I meet a girl like that, there is most likely so much value imbalance, their options are so much better than me, that they dont give me any of their time and I cant "practice". And I dont feel like doing that with regular girls because I really I dont want to treat them like a step in my staircase of improvement (like trying to flirt and improve my flirting). So I guess I should just suck it up and do it anyways because noone really cares I dont "really mean it". But then its like, I want to be genuine, I was always honest person. To a point that I revealed undesireable things about me and people took off from my orbit.
Anyways... back to more victim things:
The thing about this is (the childhood incident), I dont like to talk about it at all. It makes me so weird, most people cant comprehend this (at least I think it because I found that a lot of people are close minded in a lot of emotional issues). Another reason is, if I bring it more often to my conscious mind, it might make more damage than not talking about it. But I battle with the idea if I should a girl on a date if I ever get one. If I should warn her or something. Or not (because this is a feeling I get from this site), you go confidently, dont break character, if you start like a James Bond, you dont go to Chandler at some point because you feel like Chandler is more similar to your personality. Just like with that being a virgin. I feel like I shoul focus on the date, the intimacy. And if I did tell her, I would have to do it confidently like "yea, I have this hole in me and it is a big issue but I dont want it to stop me" or something.
I wanted to go to a therapist because of this but I have no money to spare and go pay for even one session. I learned yesterday that our school provides some consulting so I was thinking about going there. But the books that I read about psychology and psychotherapy tells me they might want to change my frame about this, my outlook on that and hopefuly make me like "You dont fear touching them, you fear making a connection and having someone like YOU and then losing them". Which is the next thing I indentified with this. I do feel this way, I am afraid to go and find love because I could lose it. ANd based one what I read here, I will lose it. I am fairly disfuntional in this regard. I dont even feel like I would be a good romantic partner because of my background, because I feel like I have some traits of my father. And I do, I can see it. Althought I tried to learn a lot of things so my kids would have a great dad. So I could be someone that my father was not for me. Like a satisfaction.
My father was never a role model to me. He just went to a job, if he did not like something he screamed, shouted, yelled.. all that. 0 ambition, victim mentality too. Falty mental model. He punished us (with my brother) for minor stuff by beating us and then with work around the house. And once I started to read books I realized how he taught me that "work is a punishment" basically. So now I dont have that drive to go and find work. I had never earned a penny my entire life. I worked as a financial consultant but I had one attempt and making it work (meaning one client). I felt like it is not for me, I liked the service. Today, I might have the confidence and present myself better, but the calling on the phone for clients would still make me anxious. Only thing that could be accounted as work would be "transporting" bricks from one side of a holding to another. Which meant I could get dinner from the family we stayed in. So I model myself (subconsciously I guess, people dont just chose this, they feel like the person is a bad influence for them and try to adapt the behaviour of the stronger one at home I guess) after my mom (which she was the one who was the head of our family really). But it made me more feminine. I also read some womens magazines and the reason why I did that might shock you - I was looking for an answer and some description of how a man looks like. What means to be a man. And I thought lady magazines were the way to go because it was women who were describing it. And I found some articles (I was like 12) how they like sex, but a lot of were very misleading basically.
But there are so many things that make me a loser. I have never been to an interview. I have never been to a barber, my mother cut my hair. Always. I have never been on a date (but I guess one girl was interested in me 3 years ago and we had a group project so she wanted to do it with me. after that, she said "I am glad we could finally talk" which about a year ago or so I realized it meant "I know this will not lead anywhere" kind of message". I sit behind computer most of the time. I have never kised any girl, I have never had sex. And the reason I think this all is a problem is that as the driver instructor told me - people will look at you like on a mamma boy. Its like being 35 and never being kissed, that is just weird. I might look at the dude and understand his position. And that it is weird for most people, I would not look at him badly. Surelly, it would tell me something about him. But most people, especially women would ditch him, unless he was some superstar and took great care of himself. But if he was regular, I think only some women with issues would want him.
So I feel pretty overwhelmed with all the shortcomings that I have in my life. I understand I should focus on the most aching ones now. Because I feel that I have put my time into my "wrapping" like Chase said it in one of his articles. And that my "gift part" feels like just a shit. And I understand that for some girls and people it might feel great. But the only real social interactions I have is during classes. And those are pretty medicore types of interactions. Not the kind I would like to have with people. On the one hand, I really want to get to know those people, on the other hand I dont really care about them at all. Its like, I am interested in who they are, but I dont care that much to make any effort to get to know them. Probably because my father seemed like his life philosophy was "If you want something, just wait untill you get it. And if you dont get it, well, you usually dont want it anymore at that point so it does not matter". Also as I listened to a lot of Tony Robbins seminars, I can see all these things like focusing on the process, taking action. But in my mind it seems like it will not matter anyways. Like with that working out, I will be dragged down anyways at some point. So what is the reason for that? I have so much work to do on my part.
Maybe like Owen (from RSD) said, that I seek permission. Like if some dude thinks gaming is wrong and that he could never get a girl because he is ugly. And then he sees an overweight ugly dude making out with some hot chick and thinks "Oh wait, he is uglier than me and gets girls. That must mean I can girls too". Like if I needed some evidence that I can do that things and get results. I think Franco mentioned somewhere that it takes like 3 months from 0 to see some kind of results, which I interprete as a girl going on a date with you and enjoying your company. Not really hot sex and devotion and desire on her part. And it is very discouraging for me. On the other hand I understand if I dont play the game, I cant win the game. And I understand what a friend of mine told me: "If you enjoy the game for the game itself, you will do it even if you are losing" (he talked about video game, I think it was DotA) And yes, I play videogames, because it is easy I guess. You sit there, put your time in it and there is not much risk and emotional turmoil if you lose. Well, it can, I had those, but you get what I mean, I hope.
So if I tie it to everything I mentioned and make a conclusion - I think I need to know that what I will do works. I understand that pick up and social interactions have never guaranted outcome. But as I said with the value providing part, it feels like I am not worth of anyones time really. I consider myself kinda bad friend because I have hard time keeping in touch with people. And if I knew on some level that what I do will give me at least some results, it might get me going more. But since all these friendships seem to revolve around value problems, how much you can benefit to people, the only thing that comes to my mind is to send some jokes or funny texts to friends to try make them laugh. I might draw them but I guess it would come across as me doing nice things for them and investing in them. Great for friendzone I guess. And I understand that noone can tell me what those people want because everyone wants different things. Even I cant say what I want from people. I guess sex from women (which makes me think like how women have it easier in this, because they have some fundamental value just for existing, which guys dont - maybe giving advice or moving heavy things I guess). But I dont think this ill about women, it was just a thought.
I understand some things from day to day life. I walked home one day from a train station dressed in a suit and I felt some looks because in our small town, you dont see people dressed like that. And I passed a group of gypsies and in our country they are very dangerous. I also had a lot of cash with me because I had to pay in cash something the next day. And I remember this fear being ganged up and attacked because they might think I have expensive smart phone and other stuff. I guess the way that a petite, beautiful and hot girl feels every day in some shady neighbourhood about being raped. But I dont feel like these perspectives and understandings make me more worth as a person. I just dont feel like that. I suspect that not many people know how it feels to be smaller and weaker (which I was my entire life and still am compared to some dudes). But then, maybe it does but people around me just dont know I can relate this way to them. But then, do they value people who can relate their situations and feelings? I guess so but I dont have enough reference points to be sure.
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Anyways, if you made it here, thank you for your time, probably wasted and I feel a bit ashamed for that but these periods of self demonizing that started yesterday happen to me like twice a year or three times a year and it bugs me, because I have noone to talk to - I might have, but I feel like going with my negativity to these people will drive them away and second - I dont really think they would help me because they dont have deeper understanding of things.
I just want to fix this so my life is filled with things that I would it to be filled with.
