Problems Starting A Relationship

[BarryS1]

I am having difficulties starting a relationship with a girl because she disappeared suddenly by not texting back. I’ve never had a girlfriend or asked a girl to become my girlfriend before, so this is new territory for me!

There’s been 8 days of radio silence to two unanswered text messages and I am not sure how to persist. Between 5/3 and 5/16 we went on four dates together, but never heard back from her after the last one. I read Chase’s article about building a new relationship and followed all the steps (https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-s ... girlfriend), but I don’t think I communicated my intentions correctly. Before the last date, the topic of our status or relationship never came up. I tried using the yes-ladder with sexual framing to communicate my desire for a relationship.

Girl: Can’t believe I didn’t give you more chase. We had sex on the first date!

Me: What? You looked so happy when I dropped you off back home. Don’t tell me your not glad!

Girl: Yeah, but you don’t realize that’s sooo bad for a girl. You probably think I’m a slut.

Me: (My rant about how the word “slut” is bad and how sex is a good thing).

Girl: Seriously though, that’s really bad. (Quite voice) I’ve never done that with a guy before.

Me: So you are glad we had sex.

Girl: Yes, it was nice.

Me: And if I just wanted to take advantage of you, you know I wouldn’t have planned dates, right?

Girl: Yeah, I really like this park and how I don’t have to plan anything with you. I can just meet you somewhere and have everything prepared.

Me: Good, so don’t keep saying you regret this (squeezing her ass).

Girl: Haha, okay! Have you ever had a girlfriend before?

Me: I don’t think relationships are a bad thing, but you need to be in a good place to have one. Right now things are getting better b/c I graduated from college and getting income from a full-time job.

Girl: That’s good, it hard when we both live at home. But seriously, tell me have you ever had a girlfriend?

(I kept dodging the question b/c I’ve never had one. The conversation looped back to our aspirations, but I am not sure if this would count as chasing for a relationship).


I am not going to get into why I am interested in starting a relationship, but here is her background:

-Very sexually experienced, but went into a recluse lifestyle of hardcore work/school a couple years ago
-25 y.o. (3 years older than me)
-Lives at home with her parents (like me)

Her investment in me:
-1st date sex
-Having sex on every date
-Responding to text messages <10 min. after I send (no matter how long I wait)
-Paying for her own food every time
-Initiated texting conversations 50% of the time
-Texting me 30 min. after every date about how great it was
-Claiming I’m hard to read

Couple of things may have happened. Did she go into auto-rejection because I did not express my want for a relationship with her? Was she a more experienced girl just seeing me for sex?

For future reference, at what point do I pop the question and ask her to become my girlfriend?

 

[daviddreamer]

Don't ask her to become your girlfriend. Let her push for the commitment. You can be honest with her and say you haven't had one. Just say it with a right frame. In fact I think you should do that and start your potential new relationship on honest terms.

 

[Mr. oblivious]

Have you tried after having sex when your cuddling mentioning a relationship? probably try indirectly like e.g. so are we a thing now, are we allowed to see other people ?

just chuck it in randomly and if the response is weak just leave it change subject act like you never said anything.


You probably should just set up another date at your house or her close her and talk it out in person cause if you keep perusing over text you might come off clingey etc.

 

[BarryS1]

daviddreamer,

Don't ask her to become your girlfriend. Let her push for the commitment. You can be honest with her and say you haven't had one. Just say it with a right frame. In fact I think you should do that and start your potential new relationship on honest terms.

I am finding the concept of the girl being confrontational and asking for a relationship difficult to understand. Will she say it outright or drop hints here and there? Maybe I’ve missed something because the girl has not followed the path of taking up my time. I’ve had a couple casual relationships and none of them have stated outright they wanted relationships. The girl gradually wants to take up my time by wanting to speak on the phone, texting often, planning dates, ect.

Mr Oblivious,

You probably should just set up another date at your house or her close her and talk it out in person cause if you keep perusing over text you might come off clingey etc.

I forgot to mention what the text messages said.

5/18

Hey, X! You still coming over today like we talked about? Everything’s on time with me

5/19

X, just wanted to follow-up from yesterday. Forgot to mention I’ll be gone on Friday for vacation, so if you have time this week lets meet up!


I am not sure if asking her out again will work because I did twice. How can I connect to her again without chasing? I am thinking about waiting till the weekend to text her w/ Chase’s reconnection text:

Hey, X! I wanted to drop a line b/c we’ve been disconnected for a couple weeks. Just got back from the lake for vacation, great time with the family. Tell me what’s new with you!

Have you tried after having sex when your cuddling mentioning a relationship? probably try indirectly like e.g. so are we a thing now, are we allowed to see other people ?

No, I have not done anything like that yet. I think confrontation on our status would clear the air though. The problem is how to do it w/o chasing ;p

I'm gonna read more relationship articles on the main site and see if I can come up with anything!

 

[Franco]

Barry,

I am finding the concept of the girl being confrontational and asking for a relationship difficult to understand. Will she say it outright or drop hints here and there? Maybe I’ve missed something because the girl has not followed the path of taking up my time. I’ve had a couple casual relationships and none of them have stated outright they wanted relationships. The girl gradually wants to take up my time by wanting to speak on the phone, texting often, planning dates, ect.

You're only finding this difficult to understand because it's something you haven't let yourself experience yet. Your last sentence sums up how girls ask you for relationships:

The girl gradually wants to take up my time by wanting to speak on the phone, texting often, planning dates, ect.

That's how 99% of girls start relationships. They increase more and more of their spending time with you until one day she either asks you "so... are we exclusive now?" or you get caught up in a situation where she asks for commitment. The average amount of time this takes is usually within the 2-4 month range. So if you're expecting a girl to push for commitment when it's been less than 2 months, then you just haven't given her enough time yet. She needs to go through the whole phase of "I wonder where this will go?!" and then eventually hit a phase of "...I want him as a boyfriend; I wonder if he'll bring it up?" and finally the phase of "damn, he's still seeing me and I want him to be mine! I HAVE to bring it up and see where this is going!" and then SHE asks YOU, and you say, "well, it's been awhile since I've been in one. But why don't we give it a shot and see how it goes?"

...and just like that, you're in a relationship.

- Franco

 

[BarryS1]

So if you're expecting a girl to push for commitment when it's been less than 2 months, then you just haven't given her enough time yet. She needs to go through the whole phase of "I wonder where this will go?!" and then eventually hit a phase of "...I want him as a boyfriend; I wonder if he'll bring it up?" and finally the phase of "damn, he's still seeing me and I want him to be mine! I HAVE to bring it up and see where this is going!"

Franco, can't thank you enough! I like the thought process example of a girl going through it, really helpful for putting myself in her shoes. I have an better idea what to expect if we keep seeing each other.

Speaking of seeing her again, how should I follow-up? Thinking about dropping another line this weekend to set up a date if I don't hear from her.

 

[BarryS1]

Figured I'd fill in the story and explain how it did not work out.

After I returned from vacation, I sent in a check-in text, but with no response. I re-activated my facebook and upon searching her name, found out she "just" moved to a new city 100 miles away. Couple weeks later, I checked in again and she got in a relationship with a guy in a local band.

What I learned:

When it comes to competing for girls, the one who gives the best sex wins. Having 10-15min. car sex in uncomfortable positions is not enough to keep a girl coming back. We did not have privacy in our homes and public sex is not a good substitute for skin-on-skin under the covers! I'm close to having enough money to move out, so I'll give the next one more competition