Putting girls down

[Flames]

Recently I was in a situation where a girl was DHV to me, and I diffused it with a comment, so it became no big deal. It wasn't so harsh as to be considered a NEG, but it made me think.

I'm interested in your views about this, as I tend to do this 'of the cuff' without realising and then think maybe that was cruel.

 

[Chase]

Flames-

Recently I was in a situation where a girl was DHV to me, and I diffused it with a comment, so it became no big deal. It wasn't so harsh as to be considered a NEG, but it made me think.

I'm interested in your views about this, as I tend to do this 'of the cuff' without realising and then think maybe that was cruel.

You don't want to put girls down as in insult them... instead, you can simply reward a DHV by giving approval, while playing it down by asking if it gets better than that. Like:

• Girl: I did some modeling last weekend for Victoria's Secret.
  You: Oh, no way. Any chance of it turning into a recurring gig, or was it more of a one-off job?
  Girl: It was just that one time, but I'm hoping I can do more in the future.
  You: Very cool. Hopefully it works out. If you can break into VS, you're pretty much set, as far as modeling is concerned.

So, you're impressed, but you want to know if it gets any bigger than this, or if it's a one-off thing (which is, in effect, a more complicated version of a neg). Here's another:

• Girl: I was #1 in my class all throughout university.
  You: No way! You must've worked really hard for that.
  Girl: Not really! I hardly ever study.
  You: Well then, I guess you're just gifted!

Here, you're impressed, but convey the message that you're not FLOORED because you can see the work behind it. She says she didn't work hard for it (which is never really true), but she knows you don't see things as magical events now. So then you can tell her you guess she's just gifted, which she'll take as a compliment, but also know you're ending the topic by saying, well, I don't want to debate with you on why you were #1 because there's really no point.

In effect, treating DHVs like this - where you explore the background on the stated accomplishment - lets the girl see that you not only appreciate her for being a success, but also understand what she had to do to get there, and you look ahead to the future.

So, you aren't floored by where she's at right now. You're more interested in what it took her to get there, and where she'll go with it in the future.

In this way, you're able to impress the girl who's trying to impress you - because you see the process, and not just the event, which is how most people see things - while still allowing her to show her value and show her that you understand it and appreciate it. You view her more as a complete person than a collection of achievements.

Chase

 

[Flames]

Right ok I think I get it. I'll give a quick example of the situation it's not exactly the same but it's got the same sort of process.

This is what I'd usually do.

Girl: I can make you a cup of tea. I make a good cup of tea.
Me: Anyone can make a good cup of tea

So your saying I should be more.

Girl: I can make you a cut of tea. I make a great cup of tea.
Me: You put a lot of effort into everything, and thats good.

Or even

Me: I like the way you put a lot of effort into everything.

It sounds like a fairly minor thing but I think sometimes the subtle stuff can make a big difference to future interactions, as your essentially setting the frame.

 

[Chase]

Flames-

This is quite different, man - it's not even a DHV. She's actively making a value offering to you.

This is what I'd usually do.

Girl: I can make you a cup of tea. I make a good cup of tea.
Me: Anyone can make a good cup of tea

I assume you're saying this jokingly, with a smile and a wink. Thing is, if you're a high value, attractive guy, it's over the top - you're canning her effort when she's trying to invest in you.

I'll sometimes do this instinctively still since I learned to do it while young and haven't totally broken myself of the habit (I've made it a relatively rare occurrence though), but I always follow it up with a rewarding remark for her qualifying herself. e.g.:

• Girl: I can make you a cup of tea. I make a good cup of tea.
  Me: Anyone can make a good cup of tea. [realizing I just punished her for offering value... whoops] But yeah, that'd be really cool. I'd love to have some of your awesome tea.

You go a little too far in the opposite direction to compensate for the attainability hit you just took.

So your saying I should be more.

Girl: I can make you a cut of tea. I make a great cup of tea.
Me: You put a lot of effort into everything, and thats good.

Or even

Me: I like the way you put a lot of effort into everything.

Well, not exactly, but close. Those examples sound a bit contrived.

I'd go more for:

• Girl: I can make you a cut of tea. I make a great cup of tea.
  You: Yeah, that'd be fantastic. I love good tea.

Basically, you just accept her offered compliance in a graceful, warm, appreciative way - and that's all you need to do.

Chase

 

[Flames]

Yes it was with a smile and a wink. My examples were a bit contrived but my writing skills arnt that good and I struggle to connect my thoughts to paper.

I'm the same as you though and I do this without thInking about it it's a habit and one I didn't even notice till the other day. I did get the feeling that I'd gone over the top when I'd said it, (maybe I picked up a cue?) though I wasn't entirely sure why.

And also thanks for making the distinction between a value offering and a DHV. I guess I missed that as well. I do this with people who are good friends, but relative strangers I find hard to accept it from, that's something I'll be working on.

Anyway just as you think you can't learn anymore...

Thanks a lot.