Putting girls in their place when they disrespect you...

[killerman]

There's an issue I have these days and it's knowing how to deal with girls who disrespect you. I know you've got to put them in their place but how? Are you meant to do it with a serious face, in a no bullshit kind of way or should you do it playfully? I know everyone here says you shouldn't be judgemental but isn't letting a girl know when she's stepped out of line and telling her off for it judgemental in itself? On the other hand, telling her playfully might not work because she might not take it seriously. For example take an employer telling off an employee playfully for chatting too much with his coworkers. The employee will probably do it again because the employer told off the employee in a fun light hearted kind of way and the employer didn't really show his authority. Also the employee didn't feel like his job security is threatened. Then compare it to the employer telling off the employee in a very firm, takes no bullshit kind of way. Who will the employee listen to? The first fun playful guy? Or the take no bullshit kind of guy?

 

[Bboy100]

Nonjudgmental and nondiscriminatory are two different things. I don't "judge" party girls who sleep around a lot, do drugs and stay up till 4 am every night. I still think they're great people and I love hanging out with them. In fact, some of my best friends are party girls. But I still "discriminate" in that I wouldn't date one. This doesn't mean I think she's "inferior" or "less" than a girl I would date. I simply don't think they would be very suitable for that role in my life. The difference is subtle but very important.

Similarly, you don't have to pass judgement on a girl when she steps out of line in some way. You can still appreciate her and think of her as a good person. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't call her out on behavior you won't accept or otherwise assert boundaries.

As for how to do it...just tell her in a cool, calm, relaxed tone that you think what she did wasn't cool and you would appreciate it if she didn't do it again. You don't need to be aggressive or domineering about it. But still be firm.

Side Note: There's really no way to truly be "nonjudgmental". Part of our job as human beings is to evaluate other people. In fact, some of these evaluations have been programmed in us via cultural norms since birth. And some are even biological. Many of them happen below the conscious level.

 

[Lotus]

killerman,

For example take an employer telling off an employee playfully for chatting too much with his coworkers. The employee will probably do it again because the employer told off the employee in a fun light hearted kind of way and the employer didn't really show his authority. Also the employee didn't feel like his job security is threatened. Then compare it to the employer telling off the employee in a very firm, takes no bullshit kind of way. Who will the employee listen to? The first fun playful guy? Or the take no bullshit kind of guy?

Neither is going to work long term and ill explain why, but first we need to remember a fundamental rule.

People do things for their own reasons not yours

So, in order for them to stop what they are doing, they have to understand why. You need them to make your reasons......theirs.

Here's how I handle it at the office using your "chatting too much" example

1) Explain to the employee why he needs to stop talking, and get him to agree that chatting as much as he does is not conducive to being productive. You don't need to threaten. You don't need to judge. All you are doing is explaining the why and winning them to your side. Leave emotion at the door even if you are frustrated.

2) If they do it again all you have to do is tell them to stop. You don't need to explain why, because they already know. You don't need to judge, you just need them to associate too much chatting with feedback from their supervisor.

3) Next "Hey XXX, they excessive chatting needs to stop otherwise "insert punishment here". Then make sure you do it if they continue to be uncooperative. If you give them an inch they will take a mile. At this point they will understand there will be repercussions to their actions. Most businesses have gradual escalations from here.

Like you said the cool guy who says "come on dude stop chatting so much... haha" will not be respected, but neither will the no BS guy. The no BS guy will have results short term, but employees will begin to resent him and either move on, or rise up. The decision is his not theirs and respect is earned not given.

How does that apply to women?

Obviously you don't have the time to go through the entire process with every girl you meet. So you shorten it based on your level of investment with the girl and the level of disrespect she is giving you.

Lotus