Question about attraction

[herculepoirot]

Hi guys,

I'm a 24 year-old guy starting out with all this, with a poor track record, and I have an important question to ask because it's been bugging me and actually blocking me since my teens.

Very often though not always, girls, especially the hotter ones, ignore me, avoid eye contact, act cold, aloof, I say something and they barely respond if at all, look up and dismiss me like they would a beggar, and so on. What's the deal? It feels as though I were the most cumbersome burden ever to them or as though I were threatening their social status or something.
It's puzzling to me because I don't think I'm that ugly (I do have BDD though but my logical mind and most feedback assure me I'm rather good-looking... but then I'm only 5'6''); I think I dress appropriately (smart casual mostly. Some girls find me sophisticated or classy - their words not mine); I am averse to bragging and try-hardship, have generally a good understanding of social situations (I'm not the kind of guy who doesn't take hints). So what gives? What can it be?

Another thing that bothers me a tiny bit is that sometimes average-looking gals will on the contrary be quite warm. Does it mean I give off the vibe that I look good enough for them but not for cuter girls?

I'd really appreciate your help and advice...

PS: the reactions I describe happen in social situations, when girls are surrounded with guys or even just their girlfriends. I've not really had that on a one to one basis.

PPS: regarding the less cute girls, the ones you don't feel like going for, how do you subtly deny them without hurting their feelings? Any magic technique?

Last PS: rereading my post, I feel I might sound like a pompous asshole. If that's the case please tell me cos I'm terribly afraid of coming across that way

 

[Adam101]

Hey man, in reading your post the first thing that came to mind and I think something others will point out is you don't mention anything about your approach / how you think you may be coming across. Providing some of your personal insight into that I think would be helpful. It's a double edged sword, but fortunately and unfortunately for us guys looks don't matter quite as much to women as they do for guys. Yes looks are important and can only help, but a woman is paying a lot more attention to how you are acting around her rather than how you appear VS guys who will let a ton of shit slide if a girl is hot and they want to sleep with them.

I'm gonna venture a guess and say that you probably take your time before approaching a woman whether you have approach anxiety or are just plain unsure or any other reason. And that's okay and normal and it happens to all of us. But most of the time women notice you before you notice them, and I'm at a point now where I think that once a woman notices you noticing her a clock starts ticking. The longer it ticks IE the longer you take to approach the less receptive she will be to it. I believe it's because she's catching you doing exactly what you are, mustering up the courage to go up and say something. So when you do go up yeah it's cute and appreciated but not respected because since you took so long you're not displaying confidence and an ability to control sexual energy.

That's my theory anyway, and so my solution...hard as it may be...is to act on pure impulse. Second you see a girl you like, go up and say something. That kind of boldness in my experience takes some pretty stunning women off guard and rather than assessing you from a distance now they have to assess you as a man who just walked up and proved himself to have conjones the size of her C's that caught your attention. Sure you're still gonna get some harsh rejection from this but you will also get some very strong positive reactions too.

I can't link to them at the moment but there's one article on this site about assuming attraction that may be of benefit to you. That is to say when you walk up to a girl believe that she will be attracted to you. You could be conveying to women that you are taking a leap of faith rather than that you are a quality man who gets quality women...like the one you just chose to talk to. The other thing too...which is just kind of a general cold approach rule I've come to find, is you have to be bold and aggressive at commanding a woman's attention. Especially in a bar or nightclub girls are very ADD and so, in a masculine way of course, you have to be steadfast in holding their attention while negating all the other stimuli around that's competing for it. Bottom line don't let them stuff you out and prove you won't back down when challenged. Best of luck man and hopefully this was helpful. I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

 

[Estate]

Adam makes good points,

It could be your approach needs work, or it could be the vibe you're giving off (fundamentals).
The site has lots of articles on those if you want to start there.

On the flip side. Do remember... some girls won't like you. It happens all of us. And girls who know they can attract attention from lots of guys can often be diffifuclt at first.

One thing to remember... don't dwell on it.
If you approach a hot girl and she's bitchy, just smile, wish her a good night and turn around and introduce yourself to the next girl.
The worst thing to do is show you are effected by it as it just shows in your face. She might be bitchy, but you're still a cool guy, move right on to the next girl and it'll look worse on her than you.

 

[herculepoirot]

Hey man, in reading your post the first thing that came to mind and I think something others will point out is you don't mention anything about your approach / how you think you may be coming across. Providing some of your personal insight into that I think would be helpful. It's a double edged sword, but fortunately and unfortunately for us guys looks don't matter quite as much to women as they do for guys. Yes looks are important and can only help, but a woman is paying a lot more attention to how you are acting around her rather than how you appear VS guys who will let a ton of shit slide if a girl is hot and they want to sleep with them.

I'm gonna venture a guess and say that you probably take your time before approaching a woman whether you have approach anxiety or are just plain unsure or any other reason. And that's okay and normal and it happens to all of us. But most of the time women notice you before you notice them, and I'm at a point now where I think that once a woman notices you noticing her a clock starts ticking. The longer it ticks IE the longer you take to approach the less receptive she will be to it. I believe it's because she's catching you doing exactly what you are, mustering up the courage to go up and say something. So when you do go up yeah it's cute and appreciated but not respected because since you took so long you're not displaying confidence and an ability to control sexual energy.

That's my theory anyway, and so my solution...hard as it may be...is to act on pure impulse. Second you see a girl you like, go up and say something. That kind of boldness in my experience takes some pretty stunning women off guard and rather than assessing you from a distance now they have to assess you as a man who just walked up and proved himself to have conjones the size of her C's that caught your attention. Sure you're still gonna get some harsh rejection from this but you will also get some very strong positive reactions too.

I can't link to them at the moment but there's one article on this site about assuming attraction that may be of benefit to you. That is to say when you walk up to a girl believe that she will be attracted to you. You could be conveying to women that you are taking a leap of faith rather than that you are a quality man who gets quality women...like the one you just chose to talk to. The other thing too...which is just kind of a general cold approach rule I've come to find, is you have to be bold and aggressive at commanding a woman's attention. Especially in a bar or nightclub girls are very ADD and so, in a masculine way of course, you have to be steadfast in holding their attention while negating all the other stimuli around that's competing for it. Bottom line don't let them stuff you out and prove you won't back down when challenged. Best of luck man and hopefully this was helpful. I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

Hey Adam, thanks for the very detailed answer and your encouraging words.

You're right, it takes me some time to approach. Part of it is my confidence level is not exactly high, due to the very problem I exposed. Another, and I admit, completely ridiculous reason is I don't like wearing glasses and am forbidden to wear contacts: so maybe I sometimes take a few extra glances to determine if the girl's worth going for and I'm not subtle enough (there have been a few embarrassing times when I thought a girl was cute and walked up to her only to find out I'd been wrong and try and pretend I mistook her for someone else). A habit I certainly need to get rid of.
But then again if I haven't noticed the girl in the first place, she can't blame me for taking too long now can she?

As to how I come across... Not the faintest idea. For some reason, I've often realized (or had to realize) that there was quite a substantial gap between the way I think I come across and reality. I've frequently been described as "calm", "mellow" and "impassible" so that's an indication. I sometimes get the feeling I'm coming across as some creep - big fear of mine - but friends tell me I don't. But would they tell me? Certainly inexperience has something to do with it.

Best of luck to you too.

 

[herculepoirot]

Hi Estate,

Yes, the vibe... I don't know how to get it right. I actually don't know where I stand, what needs fixing. But as I said earlier maybe more experience would clear things up. You say not all girls will like you: the trouble is I have that terrible fear that all girls will react that way. And I'm having a hard time convincing myself it's irrational.

Adam makes good points,

It could be your approach needs work, or it could be the vibe you're giving off (fundamentals).
The site has lots of articles on those if you want to start there.

On the flip side. Do remember... some girls won't like you. It happens all of us. And girls who know they can attract attention from lots of guys can often be diffifuclt at first.

One thing to remember... don't dwell on it.
If you approach a hot girl and she's bitchy, just smile, wish her a good night and turn around and introduce yourself to the next girl.
The worst thing to do is show you are effected by it as it just shows in your face. She might be bitchy, but you're still a cool guy, move right on to the next girl and it'll look worse on her than you.