Question on NEXTing..

[Youngberg]

I've read the article (I think it's Drexels) on NEXTing, and also read about it on the forum here a little and lots of guys seem to give conflicting info or advice on it.

Like for example I've seen some people giving the advice that you should never NEXT a girl because you treat everything as a learning experience, and you won't learn anything by NEXTing her (see one of NJs field reports... HB8 Filipino). But then I was reading more of his reports in the list and it seems like if you NEXT a girl, sometimes she will come back?

I have had women that seem to just play games with me because they'll contact me first, and then when I try to set something up with them or respond to them they just go cold again. And, I don't see any real way to know if that's going to happen. For example, I started talking to this girl and she seemed to like me but then wouldn't agree on when we could meet up. Then, I stop talking to her because it seems like a lost cause and next thing I know she is initiating contact WITH ME. But when I respond she seems to go "gotcha dummy!" and then just quit cooperating with me again.

What are you guys thoughts on NEXTing girls, and like when and what circumstances would call for you to actually NEXT a girl? Do you have to give them a couple chances or something first, and then just don't talk to her at all even if she contacts you first again?


Thanks!
Youngberg

 

[PinotNoir]

Personally, I've never seen anyone on the forums give the advice that you should NEVER NEXT a girl, but I do agree that keeping a girl around can be a learning experience -- within certain boundaries. For example, if you fail on date 1 or 2 and she agrees for a date #3, then that's a 3rd chance to break through LMR and make love to her. But, your odds go down with every date. I don't suggest the same thing if you're on date 25 OR you can't stop thinking about her. Persistence vs Chasing. If you can prevent your chasing behavior, manage your psyche in a healthy way, and continue to flirt/date other women, then I don't see any problems with it. But, it's up to YOU to understand and know when it has crossed the line for yourself.

There are some obvious examples that first come to mind:
1) Girl cheats on you
2) Girl makes you look like a complete fool/idiot in front of your peers

Basically, it comes down to YOUR boundaries. If a girl crosses a certain line that is unacceptable to you, then it's time to NEXT her. For most guys, I think cheating within in an exclusive relationship is probably #1.

For more common (day-to-day) examples, personally, I NEXT girls when I feel a strong imbalance. She's the one in control. Examples:

1.) Girlfriend breaks up with you and wants to remain friends. You text/call her. She waits a week or even weeks to text/call you back. You KEEP thinking about her and waiting URGENTLY for her responses. It's time to NEXT.

2.) You chase and chase a girl. You may even date. You can't get her in bed alone, and you KEEP thinking about her. She may even belittle you in some way -- giving snide (indirect) remarks about your attractiveness and/or masculinity. It's time to NEXT.

3.) You meet a girl (or a guy) as a friend. You hang out with her and go to her parties. In social functions, she makes fun of you in some way or whatever, but always says "Just joking!" Just think of something that irritates you. Maybe she flirts with your friends, and you don't like it. Or, maybe she expects you to do things for her (control), because she invites you to such cool parties. It's time to NEXT.

4.) You're clearly in the friendzone or an orbiter around a girl. She tells you to do stuff, and you do it. She gives you nothing in return. She tells you how cute you are and promises dating "one day," but that day always seems out of reach. You hold her purse and her clothes for her when you go out shopping together, even though you hate shopping. It's time to NEXT.

The line of imbalance will be different for everyone. For advanced guys, it's going to be a very, very close line because they have an abundance mentality. For beginners, it may be a distant line (but you need to work on making your life ruled by yourself, not others, and thereby shortening that distance and what you will tolerate the more successful with women you become). When a person gains enough control over you to cross that line, then I think it's time to NEXT. If they're making you depressed (pining over them) or depleting your urge to flirt/date other women or trying to control you in some way, then you just have to move on. And if you're working on being more of a "bad guy" that doesn't take such pety shit, then NEXT sooner.

Now, I'm not saying you should just go NEXTing all over the place. Personally, in my life, I only use it for strong imbalances that I know I can never re-gain control of or for someone that has extremely pissed me off. For me, this happens very rarely. I only NEXTed maybe one or two people last year (before I had ever even heard/read of the term, but then understood it when that article came up).

As far as new women that you're dating, if you feel like you're fighting a losing battle, then you can just stop talking with them. But, this doesn't mean that they're NEXTed. After several months (and after dating other women) or maybe years, you can send a friendly text for coffee, etc., or she may do the same. Not every bridge should be burned. It's about knowing what you will accept in life and what you want. And, if you can't stop thinking about a girl, sometimes it is best to just NEXT her, or you can force yourself not to communicate with her again until you have a new girlfriend (if you CAN).

NEXTing is really the extreme and what you need to use for drastic change -- either in yourself or in how others portray/treat/respect you. Some people think that you should NEVER burn bridges, and that's mostly true, but use the right tool for the right job. If you're hunting Moby Dick, you don't bring a slingshot.

Just my opinion, as always.
-PN

 

[Youngberg]

Hey, thanks for the explanation!

Yeah, the guy in that field report I was talking about didn't necessarily say you "never" should NEXT a girl. I guess I just got that general feeling from reading it, and didn't take it literally as I should have.

Anyway, so just as an example. I met this girl about a month ago and we went on a quick lunch date, which she then started chasing me (initiating texting and asking me to do things with her) and we went on a second date in which we went bowling and then got some food and ended with 3 or 4 really nice, soft wet kisses (didn't want to make out with her in public or anything like that). On that second date before we kissed she said she was really tired and didn't want to come over to my place, which was why I just ended with the kissing and left it at that. Then, the third date we were going to just grab a movie and watch it at my house. The day rolls around and she doesn't respond to my text asking what time. I would not hear from her again after that either.

This is a situation where I NEXT completely? Like you say it's totally up to me what I put up with and what I don't. But, it just sucks because I've invested time and effort and once I get to the (probable) sex, at my place on date 3 she just disappears. I have a mind to contact her again as it has been a couple of weeks now, but I don't really know if I should. I mean do I give her the benefit of doubt, like maybe she lost her phone and subsequently my number or something. I don't know...

 

[Thedoctor]

Youngberg,

The NEXT is more something that is utilized after you've slept with a girl and you've formed some sort of relationship, whether that be exclusive, FWB, open etc. It is used to set precedence that you will not tolerate certain kinds of behaviour from a girl. In your example, the girl flaked on your 3rd date. If you decide to contact her again right away, you're chasing her, which we all know is bad news. Rather than worrying about NEXTing her, you should worry about where you went wrong that she flaked on your third date. That way you can learn not to repeat you mistakes with the next girl.

If it has been a couple weeks, then you can always try contacting her again, but don't confront her on the flaking. The purpose of the Next is to make her realize that she is more invested than you are and you are prepared to walk away should the need arise. You cannot do this if you're not already sleeping together. If you decide to cut contact with the girl you mentioned, it's because you don't want to be chasing her. Sometimes when you do this, the girl will contact you later. This is probably where some of the confusion is coming from, because though you're deciding not to contact her, you're not exactly nexting her. You're just deciding not to chase after her.

-John