Reality show - "I love you" from girl vs guy

[PinotNoir]

So, Chase has an excellent article on when to say "I Love You" -- which is after she says it. And based on personal experience, I have to agree on this. In my past, when I said it first, I felt "weaker" and less in control. Ultimately, the relationships ended, probably in a small part due to this tiny trickle of weakness forming into a big crack. But, that's the past.

Anyway, today, I was thinking about a reality show I saw a few years back. It was like the "country" version of the Bachelorette show. (To maintain my "man card," I was forced into watching it by a girl.) It was down to the final 2 guys, and the bachelorette ended up telling one guy that she loved him (and he said "I love you" back). It was clear that the guy had strong feelings for her....

Surprisingly, it had the opposite effect on the woman. In the private interview, she said that it made him seem "weak" that she had to say it first. She felt that the man should say it first (strong, dominate, yadda yadda yadda). Therefore, she ended up picking the other guy. Ouch.

Of course, I know that this is a reality show, so it's not really rooted in reality despite the name.... But, in a way, it seems logical. If it's VERY obvious that a guy loves a woman, won't it seem weaker if he waits to tell her "I love you"? And on a related note, if it's very obvious that he loves her, then that's bad already, as he's probably chasing and pining over her like a Greek Goddess.

My thought here is.... If you agree to an exclusive relationship with a woman, you need to maintain not being needy/clingy, not supplicating, not texting a lot, etc. Things that make it obvious that you love her. Then, when she says "I love you" first, and you say it back, it will put you in the lime light.

However, if you're in an exclusive relationship and it's obvious that you love her, then it may be better to say it before her... but you're already in a screwed position haha. And, if you begin to pull back on reins by texting less, then she may think that you're not as attracted to her anymore (which will cause her to fear saying "I love you").

Just random thoughts.

 

[Marty]

(To maintain my "man card," I was forced into watching it by a girl.)

Ha! A common misconception.

It is my opinion that you'd be better off saying you watched it because you have a deep interest in relationship dynamics, human sexuality, etc. It doesn't exactly enhance your perceived masculinity to say that you were forced into doing something by a woman.

For example, I enjoy watching figure-skating. Why? Well, it's beautiful, unimaginably difficult, 80% of the girls are cute, I admire their athleticism, flexibility and suppleness, and I can't tear my eyes away when they raise a leg above their head Now, it so happens that I mostly watch it with a woman who enjoys it too, but I'd never tell anyone that

 

[Thedoctor]

PN,

Anyway, today, I was thinking about a reality show I saw a few years back. It was like the "country" version of the Bachelorette show. (To maintain my "man card," I was forced into watching it by a girl.) It was down to the final 2 guys, and the bachelorette ended up telling one guy that she loved him (and he said "I love you" back). It was clear that the guy had strong feelings for her....

Surprisingly, it had the opposite effect on the woman. In the private interview, she said that it made him seem "weak" that she had to say it first. She felt that the man should say it first (strong, dominate, yadda yadda yadda). Therefore, she ended up picking the other guy. Ouch.

Of course, I know that this is a reality show, so it's not really rooted in reality despite the name.... But, in a way, it seems logical. If it's VERY obvious that a guy loves a woman, won't it seem weaker if he waits to tell her "I love you"? And on a related note, if it's very obvious that he loves her, then that's bad already, as he's probably chasing and pining over her like a Greek Goddess.

My thought here is.... If you agree to an exclusive relationship with a woman, you need to maintain not being needy/clingy, not supplicating, not texting a lot, etc. Things that make it obvious that you love her. Then, when she says "I love you" first, and you say it back, it will put you in the lime light.

However, if you're in an exclusive relationship and it's obvious that you love her, then it may be better to say it before her... but you're already in a screwed position haha. And, if you begin to pull back on reins by texting less, then she may think that you're not as attracted to her anymore (which will cause her to fear saying "I love you").

Just random thoughts.

As you said, the main problem in this example was that the guy was clearly chasing the girl. So, if he is waiting for her to say it, it makes him appear weak because he is unsure that she feels the same way, so he waits on her. I don't think I've read that article by Chase, but I've always waited until a girl says it first. But I don't say it back immediately. If a girl tells me she loves me, I say something along the lines of this:

"I do care a lot for you, but it takes me a long time to develop strong emotions. If you're patient, I'm sure I'll reciprocate your emotions in due time."

When I say this to a girl, it's actually true. My emotions move at a snail's pace. So, using your example, I'd recommend that the guy say the exact same thing. It tells her that he is not weak (by waiting for her to say it first, then immediately saying it back), and also might help the reverse the situation a bit that he's been chasing her. Just because you've been chasing someone, doesn't mean you love them.

I think if a guy was strongly chasing a girl, then told her he loved her, in many cases, she'd run for the hills.

Just my opinion.
-John

 

[PinotNoir]

Marty, haha, I guess I lose my man card. I also enjoy figure skating and ballet, even though it's perceived as "less masculine." I enjoy "masculine" things as well though, like sports. I like a balance.

Thedoctor, that's good advice, especially if it's true that I don't feel that way. Some girls are crazy and will say "I love you" after just a few weeks.... and in that case, I honestly wouldn't be able to say "I love you" back because I don't think that's enough time to know for sure, and I know those words make a strong impact to a woman and the relationship -- even if they are just words.

 

[daviddreamer]

I always feel this is one of those issues where people try to over-complicate things. If you love someone and sincere enough just tell em. Obviously don't do it far too soon or if you know for a fact her feelings aren't the same or close but you know what I mean. And mostly for guys don't chase for love though...let it come naturally.

 

[Franco]

I always feel this is one of those issues where people try to over-complicate things. If you love someone and sincere enough just tell em.

Unfortunately, this is actually a pretty cliché, mainstream statement -- like most of these types of statements that we've talked about on this website, it just doesn't hold any practical value.

I am pretty much of the opinion that a girl should always say this first now. IF you are handling her emotions correctly and heading down the path of a long-term relationship, then there's no reason she won't feel the need to say it at some point before you do; if she has very strong feelings for you, she'll take the risk of saying it rather than the MUCH bigger risk of leaving you.

My current girlfriend finally got the balls to say "I love you" 8 months after we met. Three of those months we were already publicly "official." So yes, you can get a girl to say it even after being in a committed relationship for some time if you still not have said it yet, and I don't regret the decision to wait for her to say it first. =)

- Franco

 

[Whizzy]

One thing I've noticed is that younger/inexperienced girls tend to say it rather quickly, especially once they are in a relationship with someone. Just remember who the prize is and you're golden (hint: it's you)

 

[Little Jester]

Just want to share this...

It's weird, but the only girl I told "I love you" before she told me, is now my girlfriend, but I knew it went against GC advise. I even did it 2 times (2!), before she did.
The first time it happened, we had already slept together 2 times and it slipped out of my mouth on the couch after making out with her there during a movie on our 3th date. I was just in the moment of making out with her and then I pulled back and blurted out "I love you". Then realizing what I had just said, this voice in my head said "NOO DUDE! Think about what you learned!" and then I weakly followed up with a smile and a "Don't get the wrong idea here though " and we both laughed it off and went on with the rest of the night.

Then after I think date number 5 or 6, we were on a more traditional movie date with no sex. After the movie, we just made out in a park nearby and had good talk there. Then I did this "I love you" thing again in the moment of saying goodbye to her in the train station next to the park. I kissed her goodbye and then, when I pulled back to walk away, I said it to her. I didn't wait for an answer. Just went off in the train, feeling really good about that one actually, without giving it that much thought either. It just felt good and I already felt like secure with her or something. Hard to explain.

She later told me this "I love you" at the train from me, was the first time I said "I love you" to her and it had left an impression. To her it was the point where she started to view the relationship as serious instead of casual, she said. That means she had completely forgotten about the couch incident on earlier date! I actually one time tried to get her to remember that earlier one, but she keeps on holding to not remembering it at all, maybe cause of laughing it off or because of the wine we had been drinking that night. or both.. Who knows!

Anyways, currently my own reference points say I can say it before her, if she is already attached to me and I feel secure about it, and then it can come off strong. It can also be forgotten if you laugh it off. Probably a case of not what you say, but how you say it, when you say it and why you say it. I mean, especially that second time, I really felt she was the perfect girlfriend for me, who I had been searching for, for over a year and I was so positive about it, that it was just exactly what I wanted to put out there at that moment in time, regardless of if she had said it first or not. But why was I secure about it? I guess her 'actions' were already telling me she loved me and that she wanted more. Not her words, but her actions. That's probably why it was okay for me go for it, because I wanted it and I wanted this relationship with her and for 99.9% I knew she wanted the same thing, or she would have been one hell of an actress

 

[Franco]

Jester,

Anyways, currently my own reference points say I can say it before her, if she is already attached to me and I feel secure about it, and then it can come off strong...

...That's probably why it was okay for me go for it, because I wanted it and I wanted this relationship with her and for 99.9% I knew she wanted the same thing, or she would have been one hell of an actress

Yes, it is still possible to move things forward if you are the one to say, "I love you" first, especially if she has very strong feelings for you. Many relationships these days start with guys saying it first, and if the girl feels the same way, then she will reciprocate.

That being said, it is still technically "weaker" than having her say it first. I think where some guys get confused is that they think that a girl will leave them or not view the relationship as serious until the guy says it. Let me nip this one in the bud for you guys: this statement is false. As I mentioned previously, I was in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for 3 months (and was having sex with her for 5 months prior to that) before she finally said it because she couldn't hold it in any longer (in hopes that I would probably say it first). When a girl thinks back on you, she will always remember the amount of emotional investment she had toward you prior to being in the relationship, and even prior to saying "I love you." If she felt like she had to chase you and BARELY got you while emotionally riding a roller coaster, she'll feel like she was able to tie down a man of much higher caliber.

NOTE: Think about the girl that you chased for the longest time. As time went by when she wasn't yours, you valued her more and more highly, right? It works exactly the same way for girls. The longer the period of time she goes without actually "having" you, then the more highly she values you.

I like to set the strongest frame possible in a relationship from the very beginning because, down the line (and assuming you're with your girl for a very long period of time), things such as cheating or "losing interest/boredom" in the relationship become MUCH less probable if she views you as the strongest man she has ever met. And by relinquishing to her that you had to say "I love you" before she did, then it's possible that you may not be the strongest man in her eyes.

However, if you take care of the relationship correctly (and as advised on this website), then it's very unlikely that saying "I love you" first will have any negative impact in the future of your relationship. A girl will love you if you are doing everything she needs to feel loved and be able to reciprocate that love. I'm a perfectionist, though, so I always like to completely maximize my frame as the most dominant man she did and will ever meet in her entire life. And I guarantee that if you take her to bed on the first date or earlier as well as have her say "I love you" before you do, she will never meet another man as dominant as you are.

My two cents. =)

- Franco

 

[Ross]

Surprisingly, it had the opposite effect on the woman. In the private interview, she said that it made him seem "weak" that she had to say it first. She felt that the man should say it first (strong, dominate, yadda yadda yadda). Therefore, she ended up picking the other guy. Ouch.

Simple; don't take dating advice from women. Especially if they go on a reality show to find "true love".

 

[Marty]

My view on this?

If you have to say it, it isn't true.