Casual/FWB Reassuring a Virgin

SMaol

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I happened upon a unicorn a few weeks back.

I met a gorgeous girl, late 20's, here studying a degree from abroad. We met in public and got talking, after an informational date we met again at mine and began to get intimate.

It was at this point she revealed her secret - she was a virgin, what's more, she had 0 sexual experience. She had never even kissed a guy till now.

Despite being utterly confused I proceeded as normal. Everything was new. She was curious, but very nervous. We got as far as partial undressing before calling it a night. We meet again a few days later, this time pushing it further. Off comes her top. I teach her how to give her first bj. She is moaning, barely able to control herself and calls me "dangerous". But she's having fun, tells me she loves learning from me. She remains affectionate at all times, in text and in person. She reveals that since meeting me, she feels like she might have to drop her religion.

Fast forward a week. I drop her a text to meet again.

Her response:

"Hi x, it's really always so warm and fun to be around you. But this situation between us makes me feel worthless. So I realized I need someone that has real interest in me, and not just in having fun. So it's not good for us to meet again this way. But I'll always stay as your good friend and you'll stay special as my first..."

Now it sounds like religious hangups mixed with insecurity. I'm not looking for anything serious - but perhaps it's a question of reassuring her of her own worth in this new experience. A phone call perhaps. I'm currently mulling over my response.

What's the forum's thoughts on this?
 
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Fluxcapacitor

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@SMaol dude! You've triggered her ASD and been given a shit test. There's value shit tests and comfort shit tests, this is a comfort shit test.


Your response needs to overcome this comfort test and reassure her, without giving away your value. This is best done by qualifying the girl to your level with a genuine compliment and not about her looks, she needs to feel that you value her. A phone call is good because it gives instant feedback and you can gauge her reaction in real time, the advantage of texting is you've got time to think about what to say.

You need to be cool, non pushy, willing to walk away and avoid her ASD by being warm, indirect and reframing her objections.
 

SMaol

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I suspected as much Flux.. think I'll opt for a text, seeing as her work life is fairly unpredictable.

Here's what I've got so far:

"Hey, it sucks you feel that way. I didn't intend to come across that way at all. You're a cool, hardworking girl and I like hanging out with you.
Why don't we meet for an easy coffee/ cookup next week, my treat. We can unwind together and no pressure to dance this time ;)
(inside joke) Of course, if you really feel you'll be happier to cut contact then that's fine too."

I'll keep the forums posted.
 
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Fluxcapacitor

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@SMaol dude! I have some issues with that text message, the biggest is giving her an option to cut contact. That's implying she wants to, if she wants to you need to be closer to the door than she is and you've set a higher level here than what's needed. You can trigger a higher emotional response with this but you don't want to push those buttons with a girl looking for comfort.... not just yet anyway.

The message would have been stronger ending on your private joke, it ends in a better emotional state.

Saying you didn't intend to come across that way changes your goal post and is designed for auto rejection (I have a post where I've sent a similar message to a girl in auto rejection) this girls not in auto rejection and it doesn't address her worries.

Rearranging your words:

Hey NAME, it sucks you feel that way. I really enjoy hanging out with you, I think you're a cool, hardworking girl and I like how we connect physically and mentally. Let's grab a coffee next week to unwind together, my treat! No pressure to dance this time :p

Would have been stronger. It addresses her issues that you don't connect with her, compliments her to raise her value, assumed she still wants to see you by telling her you're getting a coffee rather than asking and ends on your private joke for a high point. I changed your sexualised emoji to a playful one because you want to avoid her feeling like a sex object.

This allows you to hit a higher level of chaos later if you need it. (Not the emotional dark level of chaos, that should be avoided) this lets you get closer to the exit later in a more controlled way.
 

SMaol

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I did unfortunately jump the gun and send already Flux, think it's worth deleting/ resending before she opens?

Your response is a lot more snappier, and I love that I can see the reasoning behind your changes. Nice one.
 

Skills

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I suspected as much Flux.. think I'll opt for a text, seeing as her work life is fairly unpredictable.

Here's what I've got so far:

"Hey, it sucks you feel that way. I didn't intend to come across that way at all. You're a cool, hardworking girl and I like hanging out with you.
Why don't we meet for an easy coffee/ cookup next week, my treat. We can unwind together and no pressure to dance this time ;)
(inside joke) Of course, if you really feel you'll be happier to cut contact then that's fine too."

I'll keep the forums posted.
i would have taken her side first, and acknowledge her feelings by repeating her objections in a way that shows your understanding of her feelings...(which you kind of did but i would have gone a bit more)... i would have also expanded more in more unique of her traits "cool" "hardworking" meh too generic, more tailor things on what is unique about her that you admire... Then i would have close that you did not want it to end this way that you would like to cont. getting to know her, and i would have totally taken out any future escalation hints to kill her defenses (all of this does not matter when you see her again btw).... i would not have push for any type of meet with the objection text answer, first you want to gauge her response... i would not have use the "Why don't we blah blah" at this point without gauging her answer to your response... She is just having buying remorse at this point, the goal is to address that fully before anything else...
 

Fluxcapacitor

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I mostly deal with old fashioned texting so my mistakes are permanent :') if you feel like changing it is better I'd change it otherwise I'd keep it.

If she asks why it was deleted, you done it by accident :')
 

SMaol

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Valuable insight there Skills. In particular the point of holding off on arrangements before receiving the response. I certainly favored Flux's response in this case - as she had been so forthcoming about what was bothering her, she likely only needed a small push. Playful seemed to win out.

She responded positively, and we've made arrangements for coffee at mine next week. Assuming things go as planned, I'll focus on keeping warm and see how things pan out.
 

Skills

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Valuable insight there Skills. In particular the point of holding off on arrangements before receiving the response. I certainly favored Flux's response in this case - as she had been so forthcoming about what was bothering her, she likely only needed a small push. Playful seemed to win out.

She responded positively, and we've made arrangements for coffee at mine next week. Assuming things go as planned, I'll focus on keeping warm and see how things pan out.

Yeah that response was good! i was just showing you how to do it a bit stronger, but yeah it seems she only needed a small push in this case, you got this, make sure the next escalition is either very mild, or all the way... In other words don't go for heavy escalation with her if she is not gonna give it up...
 
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