Recurring Issue: Rough Sex. Any thoughts?

[DommyMommy]

This is really common in VLTR's (very long term relationships) like cohabitation and/or marriage.

The language of connection and intimacy changes and evolves in a way that other forms of it can devolve.

How much do you touch her outside of sex? Have you considered creating withdrawal to her for your own good? A lot of sex therapists will recommend you literally remove the amount of physical intimacy outside the bedroom so that once engaged with each other in sex, it unleashes all the emotions of wanting to feel and enjoy her body.

Overall, if it's a main partner it's best to keep variety in bed. Like sometimes, rail her fucking brains out, use full bondage or use physical bondage (like locking in her body parts or restraining her with your body), and then other times, if you two have that level of intimacy just like, "make love" to her. Make a clear distinction between making love and having sex, since there is one.


Also if a girl likes it vanilla (which is a thing), it's your responsibility to crack her open a bit more. It's annoying as fuck sometimes, making a project out of girl, but if you can "freak her" you can get her coming to you with the more kinky shit. Sometimes coming in full thunder with your kinky / freaky shit and dominating the shit out of them is too much stimulation early on in a relationship.

Previous research suggests that social norms promote deference to men, and this extends to intimate relationships. This message is constantly repeated by the media in magazines, television and movies that "commonly display male sexual dominance over women and female sexual submission to men," the paper states.

In a follow-up study, researchers asked the women a series of questions to gauge the impact of submissive behavior on arousal.

"The more women reported engaging in submissive behaviors, the less arousal they reported experiencing from a range of sexual activities. The problem with submissive behavior seems to be that women don't experience these behaviors as authentic expressions of their selves. Submission to their partner's desires appears to undermine their ability to assert themselves within the sexual context," Kiefer said. "I would say it's really important to recognize the fact that women associate their personal submission with sex, and this association seems to be detrimental to their sexual health."


Talk to your girl before you do that! I had a guy try that shit on me and he is lucky I didn't throw him. Sex isn't about dominance, women are to be in control of themselves just as much as men. What your descibing is mentally damaging if it isn't consensual. Chill.

 

[DommyMommy]

Dom/sub has nothing to do per se with bondage or sadism. They are different things, you conflating them is an error.

There may be overlap in the Venn diagram, there may not. Plenty of vanilla women are submissive in the bedroom but don't want to be tied up.

Some women like to be dominate as well, communication is super important to make sure all partners feel safe.

 

[DommyMommy]

As someone who identifies both publicly and privately to women about my Dominant side, and am upfront about my desire for BDSM with them, I will always give them the rough sex/PSE . It's just how I am wired the past several years. It took me many years to realize that's who I truly was and women would want that from me [or they'd go elsewhere].

I've never had a single girl I've bedded tell me not to be that way with them, 100% acceptance of frame and approval ratings. Life's too short for vanilla sex, had ex-gfs of mine text me and say thinking of me during vanilla sex with their husband is the only thing that got them hot.

I've dealt with the exact problems named by OP in my youth.

Obvs, not every woman will be down for every single thing, some girls are really into slapping/choking and others are not. Overall, women are much kinkier and curious than guys are. 95% of women I've shown a violet wand or hogtie to are like 'Let's try it out' or "I am so wet right now!"

Once you've set the standard for the kind of rough sex you provide in the bedroom with her, you can start to explore her/your limits with kink and submission: How submissive will she get? How hard should the impact play be? Will she start doing anal for you? Can you take photos?
What about verbal degradation and humiliation? Does she want to be your sex slave? Make her tell you her dirtiest fantasies. Is she into group sex or public sex? Consensual non-consent?

Doesn't mean you can't cuddle afterwards.

And don't forget women have needs ro be dominate as well, like this interesting study.

Previous research suggests that social norms promote deference to men, and this extends to intimate relationships. This message is constantly repeated by the media in magazines, television and movies that "commonly display male sexual dominance over women and female sexual submission to men," the paper states.

In a follow-up study, researchers asked the women a series of questions to gauge the impact of submissive behavior on arousal.

"The more women reported engaging in submissive behaviors, the less arousal they reported experiencing from a range of sexual activities. The problem with submissive behavior seems to be that women don't experience these behaviors as authentic expressions of their selves. Submission to their partner's desires appears to undermine their ability to assert themselves within the sexual context," Kiefer said. "I would say it's really important to recognize the fact that women associate their personal submission with sex, and this association seems to be detrimental to their sexual health."

Not once did you take into consideration that maybe she would like to explore herself via being in control and you come across as someone who might not of ever considered that due to social conditioning. Women know how to make a guy feel sexy and wanted too, and all he has to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

 

[DommyMommy]

Hi guys,

Yesterday I spoke to a girl I broke up with in 2021. The break up was amicable and so we have always been on good terms. While talking she said something interesting.

She said that in the beginning when we started dating, she felt so good because I viewed her as a "sexual object/thing" and she loved the rough sex we used to have. She felt really good because she saw how aroused I could get by her body.

But as the relationship went on I stopped seeing her as a sexual object. I would kiss and caress her but no do all the rough stuff I did before. She then felt somehow less sexy and a bit sexually rejected.

She wanted all the emotional connection bits she got from the relationship but "she did not want to lose that bit of me just sometimes viewing and treating her like just a sexual plaything in bed."

This is actually the second or third girl who has said something like this to me. It got me thinking.

And it is true. Since I was young I always had a soft spot for rough/BDSM related things. I remember even as a kid getting all excited when I saw a sexy woman being tied up in a movie or on Tv etc.

I always had this soft spot for domination. I initially thought something was horribly wrong with me and felt ashamed for having these thoughts for a long time.

Then the Internet came around and I realized there were others like me too. But I still believed that women would hate it, but when I started dating in my 20s I was surprised that most, if not all women loved being dominated in some form or the other.

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

The roughness feels good and so does the tenderness, please talk to your partners and I promise u that they will tell you what they want/need. They might even surprise you and want to try a little bit of domming and you might like it. The point is that sex needs to be mutually beneficial and there are a lot of kink options out there, don't let society determine what you do and don't like. Fuck society.

 

[Will_V]

Seriously, cutting her off and dominating her? Dude, no. That's not hot.

Previous research suggests that social norms promote deference to men, and this extends to intimate relationships. This message is constantly repeated by the media in magazines, television and movies that "commonly display male sexual dominance over women and female sexual submission to men," the paper states.

In a follow-up study, researchers asked the women a series of questions to gauge the impact of submissive behavior on arousal.

"The more women reported engaging in submissive behaviors, the less arousal they reported experiencing from a range of sexual activities. The problem with submissive behavior seems to be that women don't experience these behaviors as authentic expressions of their selves. Submission to their partner's desires appears to undermine their ability to assert themselves within the sexual context," Kiefer said. "I would say it's really important to recognize the fact that women associate their personal submission with sex, and this association seems to be detrimental to their sexual health."

It's been a while since a feminist wandered into this forum and started arguing with everyone.

First please read the code of conduct for new members. Failure to adhere to basic manners will get you booted out, same as anyone else. Spamming blocks of text is against the rules.

Secondly, if you want to argue about the results of modern research on female sexual psychology (which is virtually all funded and run inside of a politically correct echo chamber) you'd best go on reddit or twitter or something. This is a place for sharing information based on actual interactions and relationships with actual women, not on questionable statistics and politically correct ideologies.

If you're finding yourself already totally at odds with the status quo of this place, it's probably not the right place for you. Disruptive behavior won't be tolerated.

 

[DommyMommy]

It's been a while since a feminist wandered into this forum and started arguing with everyone.

First please read the code of conduct for new members. Failure to adhere to basic manners will get you booted out, same as anyone else. Spamming blocks of text is against the rules.

Secondly, if you want to argue about the results of modern research on female sexual psychology (which is virtually all funded and run inside of a politically correct echo chamber) you'd best go on reddit or twitter or something. This is a place for sharing information based on actual interactions and relationships with actual women, not on questionable statistics and politically correct ideologies.

If you're finding yourself already totally at odds with the status quo of this place, it's probably not the right place for you. Disruptive behavior won't be tolerated.

I am a real woman and this isn't disruptive behavior, it is toxic masculinity via social conditioning. I was wrongfully diacharged from the air force for not being submissive, got rape threats for being female in it, they showed sexually violent movies towards women and tried everything to dominate women. It's wrong, it's unsafe and it needs to stop. I am sharing information, my story matters and so does other women. It looks like this place is a judgemental pool that only caters to the ideology and brain washing of male dominance. These sort of things ensure women are violated because of the neurological programing that is done. Women and men are both human beings that deserve respect, you accuse me of being disruptive but what I am saying isnt going to generate hatred/sexual violence against you but what you're saying can have those consequences for me. These studies are real, more real than what is listed on here because scientists are connecting with their subjects. Just because it isn't what you think it should be or that I don't fit what you think the mold should be doesn't make it unreal. I am not disrupting, I am allowed to have a voice. You trying to silence me, that definitely is disruptive. I wont be responding anymore but I will warn other women of this site, so they can protect themselves. I am a dominant female who is charge of her life and deserves repect, just like everyone else.

 

[KJ Francis]

I am a real woman and this isn't disruptive behavior, it is toxic masculinity via social conditioning. I was wrongfully diacharged from the air force for not being submissive, got rape threats for being female in it, they showed sexually violent movies towards women and tried everything to dominate women. It's wrong, it's unsafe and it needs to stop. I am sharing information, my story matters and so does other women. It looks like this place is a judgemental pool that only caters to the ideology and brain washing of male dominance. These sort of things ensure women are violated because of the neurological programing that is done. Women and men are both human beings that deserve respect, you accuse me of being disruptive but what I am saying isnt going to generate hatred/sexual violence against you but what you're saying can have those consequences for me. These studies are real, more real than what is listed on here because scientists are connecting with their subjects. Just because it isn't what you think it should be or that I don't fit what you think the mold should be doesn't make it unreal. I am not disrupting, I am allowed to have a voice. You trying to silence me, that definitely is disruptive. I wont be responding anymore but I will warn other women of this site, so they can protect themselves. I am a dominant female who is charge of her life and deserves repect, just like everyone else.

That's cool you have a preference for a dynamic that is backwards from what most of us enjoy. The thing is, you are speaking to a small subset of men here who are not your "average dater". We are more active and intentional than average, and tend to like to take the lead, meaning we like women who respond in kind.

I think you should start in a kink forum and discuss the theory that everyone is a switch or whatever. And get a feel for what the gender representation is like among those who are in touch with their Dom/sub preferences.

Then if you want to run an evangelical switch campaign, we still may not be the best crowd to convert. The seduction process does not force submission. It teases out if the woman wants to play the follower through things like compliance testing, and taking the lead generally in the courtship process.

That's great that your partner enjoys being told to fuck you harder. Personally I can tell you that when women have said this sort of thing to me, it is an active turnoff, same like being told to cum "for her". So taking the leadership role in seduction is also a way of screening out women with conflicting sexual preferences, like yourself, and a woman I spoke with this week who wanted to peg me.

Sexual forwardness is different though. We do encourage flipping the script in that regard. For example, a senior member has a Magic Mike routine that encourages her to unleash her sexual desire on him. I don't think it goes as far as making him her subordinate though.

 

[FreeJ]

But here is the problem, somehow that natural desire to dominate and be rough with a woman arises inside me whenever I am with a new woman. But if the relationship becomes more serious and I develop a deeper emotional bond with a woman, that desire in me evaporates.

Its not that I feel that its wrong or that I have a madonna/whore complex, its just that the more she becomes a "person", the less she is a sexual object and I lose that desire.

And it seems like women don't want that to be lost. They want the tenderness and the roughness and it seems like I am able to offer either one or the other.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can overcome this? Or have any of you have the same issues?

It's an interesting question. Based on what you wrote, I'd say this relates to how dopamine (i.e new woman) sparks up the arousal system and fires up your T, which allows you to dominate and fuck her good. But, as this novelty wears off, this desire system has less of a grip, and she in some sense rightfully senses that your desire for her is not as overpowering.

Personally, I find wild sexual variety, getting her to dress up, and travelling, to be great. But ultimately, I think it's something you navigate as a couple.
Health is also a factor. If your whole arousal system from D to T is firing like a young buck, it'll be easier to get into that headspace.

 

[matheth]

Its weird reading this because i dont feel that separation netween being all lovey dovey with a girl and fuckingnher brains out. In fact, being very rough with sex is one of the ways that i show i truly like or even care about a girl.

As a side note, i completely support and agree with hatefucking a girl when shes giving you a hard time or being bitchy. Betweem pounding her pussy nonstop until she cant fucking breathe and beating the fuck out of her its the best option. I also tend to have uncontrollable surges of sexual desire that i can only soothe by grabbing her by the ass, pulling down her pants and fucking her relentlessly

And even when shes not giving me shit or being bitchy i see hard and rough fucking as a wqy to give her pleasure since all the girls i date like it very rough.

Something else that might help is going for very shy awkward girls, in my experience they can be infuriating sometimes and that hate transforms into you wanting to ravage her pussy. Also they near never start sex and always put up token ressistance (sometimes an unreal amount) and so u have to become dominant AF if you wanna fuck her


Then something else that might be happening is that you just dont like them enough. I used to date this one very shy catholic girl who turned me on so much that my dick got hard just by seeing her right after she opened her door. I would even lift her up, take her to her bed ass up and smell her pussy through her pants. She had a pussy fragance that would drive me nuts. And I would do all this before even saying hi to her, and she would love it.

 

[matheth]

Assuming I'm identifying the problem correctly, there is a solution to this.

The natural sexual dichotomy between men and women is dominance and submission. There is no real reason to talk about BDSM, that's all just extra or the teaching tool to this truth.

If you are feeling such a lack as you've described, this is what I suspect: you are bored.

The dynamic has reached a threshold where the woman is submitting completely and easily. This is giving your dominant nature nothing to do, really.

So the solution is to go for the next rung of women. Go for women that won't submit as easily. This means a) a new woman, since submission is a process and you're starting over and b) probably a more desireable woman that is NOT as inclined to submit to you.

Interacting with such women will change you and inspire you to upgrade yourself to answer their challenge. Then these new women will submit and you'll get bored again. Rinse and repeat. Because underneath it all is really just the classic problem of same ol' pussy.

My 2 cents

Yes, also this. With sex i always try to push for more things to do. Like if the girl doesnt like to do blowjobs, i make it my goal to convince her with good pipe and talking. If i get that, then i go for anal, and then for making her wear lingerie or roleplay, and then make videos, cum in her mouth, face, ass, threesomes, etc.

 

[KJ Francis]

As a side note, i completely support and agree with hatefucking a girl when shes giving you a hard time or being bitchy

I think there is nuance to this.

On one hand, when she is horny and needs it, the bitchy attitude is definitely a thing... But maybe also tells you she has gone unsatisfied for a little too long.

But I think it's also good to keep operant conditioning in mind. Last thing you want to do is train her to be disrespectful as a way to signal her sexual needs to you.

Very similar to make up sex. I have communicated this to girls plainly... Building a pattern of fighting that gets rewarded is not how I want to live. We can hash it out, but no sex until tomorrow.

But her feeling completely content all the time is not good either. A little frustration toward you can definitely be good.

Apparently sex is complicated... Who knew...

 

[D. Gately]

I agree you have to be dominant with shy, awkward girls, but I've never gotten resistance from them, and plenty of them will stick their hand down your pants and start stroking. They might not verbalize it though, agree with that.

And you can definitely talk about next things to do with them. Just had a convo with mine about using hot wax on her next week, she's excited to try it.