Socializing Responding to persistant questioning

[BarryS1]

I’ve been working in a large office for a couple weeks and noticed a trend for when people are screening for information. The situation has come up in other areas like networking events, job fairs, or any other type of professional area. I do not see this as much when socializing, picking up girls or on a date, except for when the girl is in a high-strung mood.

Here’s the general format, someone asks question, I go on a long tangent to answer or avoid, then they keep pressing with the question. The other person might avoid my question or give little acknowledgement to what I said, but will keep REPEATING the same one.

Here’s an example of what happens to me in the middle of a conversation:

Person: So what do you do Barry?

Me: I’m an 'a' at 'b' for about 'c' months now. It’s been pretty great..yada, yada..

Person: So have you worked with X technology before?

Me: (Explaining my past experience in a story)

Person: (Interrupting me) So HAVE you?

It catches me off-guard being pressed like this, but gets embarrassing in front of a group of people. It makes ME look bad like I am not being clear. I think a good response would be:

Me: …so like I was saying…(continues the story)

OR

Me: Okay, never mind. (Ejecting myself from the conversation and talking to someone else.

I like the second response the best because it makes the other person look bad for interrupting. The above example is meeting a new person, but most of the time occurs with people I see everyday. I see others stumble with this and have not come up with a good idea yet. The person being interrupted is rushed for giving a good response (which hardly ever sounds good).

Does this every happen to anyone else?

 

[Big Daddy]

Hey Barry,

I don't have lots of experience in large office environments, but this reminded something that occurred to me not long ago, actually.

Here's a stranger opinion (mine) looking this situation from the outside...

First scenario: clearly you ignored him, which makes me think he's just being an asshole and/or incapable of understanding what you're saying. So he went out of his way (invested) to make you look like an idiot, but by investing way less than him you actually made him look like an idiot. You could go one step further and just pause for a second, acknowledging him, ignore the fuck out of him, and continue your story.

I used to do this quite a lot with my younger brother and I realized that whenever he'd ignore what I said (least effort) and remain calm, I'd look like an idiot. That's why I stopped making remarks and asking question like these, specially if I'm with a group: you put your face out there. If someone doesn't crack to your challenge, then you're just fucked because you already invested a lot by challenging that person.

If I'm alone with a guy I can just challenge the fuck out of him because there's no one there to take sides and therefore you have room to invest until he cracks to your frame. The same is valid if he challenges you -- you don't have to remain nonreactive.

I'd never do it with a girl, though.

Second scenario: it would make you look bad, actually. If you think about it, he's just asking you a question and your frame "cracked" ; you overreacted to a simple test... that's similar to what a a child would do if he wanted something and his parent wouldn't give it to him.

 

[BarryS1]

Whats poppin' Big Daddy!

First scenario: clearly you ignored him, which makes me think he's just being an asshole and/or incapable of understanding what you're saying. So he went out of his way (invested) to make you look like an idiot, but by investing way less than him you actually made him look like an idiot. You could go one step further and just pause for a second, acknowledging him, ignore the fuck out of him, and continue your story.

Right on point, they are usually extreme type-A folks who come off harsh most of the time. I forgot to mention this happens more with meeting people for the first time compared to collaborating in a group.

I used to do this quite a lot with my younger brother and I realized that whenever he'd ignore what I said (least effort) and remain calm, I'd look like an idiot. That's why I stopped making remarks and asking question like these, specially if I'm with a group: you put your face out there. If someone doesn't crack to your challenge, then you're just fucked because you already invested a lot by challenging that person.

Never thought about it that way. It makes me think whoever is the last man standing looks better.

If I'm alone with a guy I can just challenge the fuck out of him because there's no one there to take sides and therefore you have room to invest until he cracks to your frame. The same is valid if he challenges you -- you don't have to remain nonreactive.

I am starting to notice a trend: I could escalate and call the person out on a 1-on-1 setting, but diffuse the situation with the least amount of effort in a group asap. If the interaction did not mean much to me, then yeah, I agree about making an awkward silence before talking again. Most of the time, I am trying to have a good conversation and get to the point without the other person interrupting. 1-on-1 If I'm in a bad mood, I could unleash hell and call them out.

 

[Sophisticated Gent]

Barry,

I would say that your long answers are causing a problem. You probably feel the need to justify yourself as you are in a new situation. Your are probably volunteering more information than was requested.

Person: So what do you do Barry?

Me: I’m an 'a' at 'b' for about 'c' months now.

Stop at this point

Person: So have you worked with X technology before?

Me: (Explaining my past experience in a story)

Instead answer. "Yes for 10 years." End it there. If they want to know more they will ask.

When you give long answers you come across as trying to justify yourself. Instead come across as someone with tons of experience who does not need to be questions.

BDSC

 

[lux7]

If I'm alone with a guy I can just challenge the fuck out of him because there's no one there to take sides and therefore you have room to invest until he cracks to your frame. The same is valid if he challenges you -- you don't have to remain nonreactive.

Like, for example.. ?

 

[BarryS1]

Since posting, I’ve kept an eye out for other people in my office or meeting for the first time doing the same thing. My intention for posting this was because certain people were making an interaction embarrassing. I realize the people referred to in the first post were making a big deal out of it and not being co-operative.

Here’s the big question I should of answered: How do I know if the problem is me or the person asking the question? There’s two ways this can go, the person becomes co-operative afterwards or still plows through with rudeness. I take a look at how the person is treating other people OR if their behavior changes later in the conversation.

1)
This isn’t the type of conversation with someone who is being co-operative, but stepping out of line. I can’t be on my toes 100% and communicate in the clearest way possible to every person. Even if I DID the recommended steps, those people would usually do the same thing AGAIN, interrupt on another sentence, or perform another disruptive behavior. Lately, what I do now I talk over them in the same volume and tone of voice (for a short while). If they keep trying to interrupt, I call them out and say something like, “I need to mention XYZ”.

I see this back-and-forth conflict all the time at work. Somedays, a person might be wound up and start taking it out on people. It is hard to say how each interaction resolves because most of the time, it is not how I responded.

2)
On the other hand, maybe I could of communicated better and the person still has good intentions about having a co-operative conversation. Often, they do not interrupt, but squirm in their seat or give me “a look” to hurry up. If they do interrupt, it will be soft instead of rude/abrupt.

 

[Seven heldens]

This is happening to you because your conversation and answers are rambly. It is a nervous tick actually. Somthing you could do to remove this nervous tick would be to just respond directly to the question, and then elaborate after.