Resurect / Let Go / Or Casual?

[shockunit]

Hi All, long time lurker at the boards and reader of all of the articles on the site. Thanks in advance for your insight. Everyone here has been extremely insightful in the past on every number of topics. I really appreciate this resource and hope to start contributing regularly.

At any rate, onto the background. I had a been in an exclusive long term relationship with a very attractive (8.5), fun, vivacious 30 y/o woman. I'm 33. She's Type A, which was a good balance to my type B. We met and I succeeded in attracting her because of the years of Intermediate and advanced (sometimes, though I'm more intermediate) skills that I have learned here and elsewhere. She was interested from the first date and and wanted to move very fast. After less than a month she told me she loved me and we enjoyed an awesome 11-month relationship. The last 3.5 months were difficult as I had work commitments at a start-up company that pulled me away sometimes emotionally. I was very stressed and it must not have been fun for her at times when I'd be up late working in bed and not paying as much attention to her as she deserved. During that time I also showed lack of leadership in the relationship and I think that it got stale, was lacking passion, and was lacking new experiences. When I planned a vacation and another side trip, they were stale as well and she always seemed to be slightly depressed. I missed all of the signs. I did treat her well in a very non-clingy way and cooked for her often. But I got in the habit of going to her place most nights where we would watch Netflix. We shared new experiences outside of the apartment, but not frequently enough. I stopped attracting her and I'm mystified why I didn't see it. My head was truly in another place at work.

About a month ago she broke up with me. She said it was an extremely hard decision and one that she put a lot of thought into. In the end she loved me tremendously, but wasn't sure we would be the right fit for marriage/kids. She said she still wanted to be in a relationship with me, but that she thought we should break up because she didn't see a future and felt like she was holding me back. She was obviously losing attraction. I told her I thought she was right and that she did the right thing. I walked away. I didn't beg, grovel, etc. I kept no contact for two weeks. After two weeks I reached out to her and asked her to lunch and to talk (still communicating that I thought the breakup was right and that I was okay with it). I figured out what went wrong (lack of leadership, lack of spontenaity, etc.) and figured I'd analyze the situation via a discussion to see if this was irresolvable.

We had a great conversation and she mentioned that it was hard because she still loved be, but reiterated that she didn't see a long term future. I didn't share my feelings that we should try to resolve the relationship. I had been working out 14-days straight as well as meditation and had been interviewing for a new job to get away from my super stressful job. She was very impressed. I went to her house to pick up my things and I initiated sex. She asked if i was sure it wouldn't set me back. I turned it around on her. She said it would be difficult because she still loved me. We had amazing sex multiple times and she was blown away. She was kissing me and telling me how amazing it was. I set a false time constraint and left after spending a couple of hours at her place having sex. I told her we should hang out as friends sometime and asked her if she was okay after sleeping together. She said yes and agreed. It's been a week and a half and I texted her to pick up a couple of things that I needed from her place (I forgot to pick them up) and she expressed being very busy but she was very positive and told me to simply let myself in and grab them, which I did. I wanted to also see her and continue to attract her physically and mentally. With her not being open to meeting the three days that I had available, I went and got my stuff without her being there. And that's the last I've had contact with her. I expected her to reach out, or to come back, but that's obviously not happening.

The question is this: I'd like one of three things, to resurrect the relationship, to have casual sex with her, or third, to completely walk away for my own sanity. Would you mind helping me to think this through? I'm not sure which direction I should go.

I've read Chase's the how to get your girlfriend back article 4 times, as well as how to get a girl back. It seems that with a girl that is in #2, you should cut contact for a couple of months. She is indeed in #2, with some elements of #1 and #3. I have a large female friend circle and already other girls are posting with me on social networking sites that are visible to my ex. My social proof has been through the roof since the breakup, and I believe that I have handled it correctly. Because this is somewhat of a different scenario than a lot of the others where folks followed their first inclination (which I almost did) which is to beg and plead, and I've since been very non-needy and spent the past month hanging out and dating other beautiful women.

Would welcome your advice. I know most will probably say, move on and start dating other women. That might be the best answer, but I really want to right the ship with this exceptional woman. I'm angry at myself for messing it up and I really want another shot at this, mainly a committed relationship, but would settle for a casual relationship. I think both are options if I do the right things. Would love to hear feedback on how to move in one of those directions, or if the answer is to simply cut and run. Thanks for any insight you can provide for this particular scenario!

Best,
Shockunit

 

[luego]

I doubt it's possible to turn a LTR into a casual relationship. You can always move things forward, but moving them backwards is very very difficult. Even if you somehow succeed for a short time, it's almost guaranteed to leave someone broken.

So this is a step up or step back thing.

 

[Franco]

shockunit,

I'm not sure if this response will surprise you, but it sounds to me like you were seeing too much of this woman during the relationship. That might sound contradictory given that she was saying that the relationship was "stagnant" and that she was getting bored, but it should make sense in a minute. Here's an example:

I was very stressed and it must not have been fun for her at times when I'd be up late working in bed and not paying as much attention to her as she deserved.

This is definitely not fun for her. The question I pose here is: why are you seeing her on a night where you have work to get done? If this woman isn't living with you, then you should only be seeing her on nights that you can give her your full attention -- even if that means you're only seeing her once or twice a week. Of course, if you're going to see a woman once or twice a week, this is a precedent that is best established at the very beginning of the relationship. If you see her regularly (say four or five times a week) and then try to pull things back to one or two times a week, it's going to cause much more stress in the relationship because she'll feel like it's "dying down" since you don't want to see her as much.

My current girlfriend of whom I've been seeing for almost two years now still only sees me for about a day and a half each week. I encouraged her to do the things she wants to do, and now she works two to three jobs regularly, which gives me my own personal time to work on stuff that I want to do (or just relax if I feel like that's in order). Then when she finally does come over, I give her my full attention for the entire time she's there. If you ever had this woman over at your place and proceeded to do other things, then it's probably evident why she started to get bored.

The only situation that I feel like a girl should be over at your place when you have to work is if you two have moved in together or you are married. Otherwise, there's really no reason you should be having a girlfriend over so that she can watch you do work. It's not fun for her, and it's going to make her feel like she's being neglected (or that the passion in the relationship has disappeared).

So anyway, this was probably your biggest mistake here. Since I only see my girlfriend once or twice a week -- and I give her my full attention when I do -- she always feels like the passion in the relationship is still there. Having not seen each for awhile causes us to be extra riled up, and we usually end up going multiple rounds of sex in between conversation and food/entertainment. This way, whenever she comes over, she always feels like she's spending enjoyable time with me. Remember, a girl sees you to get AWAY from boredom and loneliness -- not to magnify it.

As far as how to proceed with this relationship, it's tough to say. I think you really need to think about whether or not you're wanting to re-ignite the relationship because you're worried you won't be able to find another amazing woman or if you want to re-ignite the relationship because you actually feel like it still has fuel left in the tank. Personally, it sounds to me like it might just be best to move on and take away whatever lessons you gained from what happened here so that you can run things correctly with the next woman. It's important to keep in mind your time management with the women you date; if you know you're only going to be able to give them your full attention once or twice a week, then don't invite them over more than that. Set aside a couple days or evenings where you know you can fully satisfy them, and then use all of your other time to finish whatever work you need to get done.

I hope this sheds some light on the situation.

- Franco

 

[shockunit]

I doubt it's possible to turn a LTR into a casual relationship. You can always move things forward, but moving them backwards is very very difficult. Even if you somehow succeed for a short time, it's almost guaranteed to leave someone broken.

So this is a step up or step back thing.

Interesting. I hadn't thought of this, but it seems to be accurate. One of the things that I want to ensure that doesn't happen is that I'm "re-broken", IE: back to where I was the week of the breakup. Emotionally, I'm a lot better, but if I get into a casual relationship with this girl, would I truly be able to only have that and not something more. In being true to myself, I'd have to admit that eventually I'd want more. Thanks.

 

[shockunit]

shockunit,
I'm not sure if this response will surprise you, but it sounds to me like you were seeing too much of this woman during the relationship. That might sound contradictory given that she was saying that the relationship was "stagnant" and that she was getting bored, but it should make sense in a minute. Here's an example:

I was very stressed and it must not have been fun for her at times when I'd be up late working in bed and not paying as much attention to her as she deserved.

Franco, thank you kindly for the response. I think your point is very valid. I was spending too much time with her. That said, it wasn't that I was only spending too much time with her, it was the fact that we got in this routine of meeting up at 8pm every night and watching Netflix and having dinner. I think partially what the relationship lacked was my leadership ability to change things up, go out, have new experiences, etc.

I think I overemphasized the fact that I worked all the time. More truthfully, though I wasn't always on the laptop or phone checking and responding to e-mail, I was with her but thinking about work. I probably lacked playfulness and intrigue. That said, she is a very high-quality professional woman who was constantly on her Blackberry. Compounding all of this with the fact that she was a very poor communicator of her needs and feelings and this snowballed into a flat 3 months and then this breakup.

You are spot on when you say that I shouldn't have been spending a ton of time with her when I couldn't give her my "full attention". My mind was elsewhere a lot of the time.

As far as how to proceed with this relationship, it's tough to say. I think you really need to think about whether or not you're wanting to re-ignite the relationship because you're worried you won't be able to find another amazing woman or if you want to re-ignite the relationship because you actually feel like it still has fuel left in the tank.

[/quote]

Valid point. I think it's 50/50. I want to re-ignite the relationship because she is just about everything I want in a partner. Even after reading Chase's article on "Absolute Abundance", I realize I have a lot of abundance, but it's currently not absolute. Additionally, I think there is fuel left in the tank. I ran into a friend who told me privately that my ex is heartbroken by all of this and is lonely. That makes me feel a bit better that she is going through it too, but after a month, she is certainly not beating down my door to communicate, see me, or rekindle.

Part of me doesn't want to move on without knowing what this could have been had I run this relationship with the right amount of leadership. When I get clear on if I want to try to give it another shot, I think the next question becomes, when to I re-engage.

Thanks for the responses. This has been extremely helpful to think through!

 

[ProblemSolving]

Shockunit,

Part of me doesn't want to move on without knowing what this could have been had I run this relationship with the right amount of leadership. When I get clear on if I want to try to give it another shot, I think the next question becomes, when to I re-engage.

DO NOT re-engage. She left you, if she has second thoughts, she will let you know. Contacting her will only reaffirm her decision to leave. She might contact you, or she might not. Either way, start meeting new girls ASAP.

I was spending too much time with her. That said, it wasn't that I was only spending too much time with her, it was the fact that we got in this routine of meeting up at 8pm every night and watching Netflix and having dinner. I think partially what the relationship lacked was my leadership ability to change things up, go out, have new experiences, etc.

This is really the heart of what went wrong. I'm hesitant to believe the problem was the lack of novelty because she was a cold fish even on the trip and vacation with you. In every relationship, one of the people is investing or "chasing" more than the other. You were chasing this girl, you just didn't realize it until it was too late.

Think back to the first few months of your relationship. How did she react when you texted her to come over to your place for dinner, Netflix, and sexy time? My guess is she was probably pretty excited. She probably canceled plans with her friends and family to be with you and once she was over, she was fun and enthusiastic. This amount of attraction is what you should strive to maintain throughout your relationship and you can do it, but you have to pay attention to the signals she sends you.

The second you notice a dip in attraction, as in she seems less eager to meet up, that's your cue to throw some insecurity her way to keep her attraction piping hot. There is a number of easy ways to do this. The first is to stop initiating contact with calls or texts. She will contact you when she wants to meet up, so let her invest (chase). Once she initiates contact, you set up the meet. This way you are never seeing a girl when she is not really eager to see you, so you are never chasing.

Another way to introduce some insecurity and spike attraction is to take her out of the house. Let her see how other girls react around you. Trust me, she'll scope the girls sneaking glances at you or the hot waitress being extra flirty. All these things turn her on and reaffirm her beliefs that she has got a highly desirable man on her hands.