Rules/Etiquette of dating multiple people

[Estate]

Hey guys,
Been quiet on the boards until lately, work, life, dating, etc has been busy but going great.

I'm in a newer dilemma right now. I've been able to handle multiple women before by not rely dating them, we'd just occasionally hook up and contact was limited to that. If the girls ok with that it's easy to manage,

Right now two girls in particular have been drawing my attention more and we've been doing more "datey" things. I'm actually ok with that. I've long wanted someone to capture my attention like that but haven't gotten past casual with anyone unless I really felt good about that.

Anyways, Im not sure how to best handle this. In the end I'd prefer to decide which one I like best if it keeps going in this direction. But I like both equally and there's no real kicker yet so I'm enjoying seeing both to see when I start leaning towards one or the other. Obviously I'd rather not do it through deception and I'm not looking for some polyamorous situation. Little voice inside is saying I'll feel bad ultimately hurting either of them and not really sure how long I can leave it before making some sort of decision.

Thought? The perils of all this stuff actually working and paying off, haha.

 

[Chase]

Estate-

Fun times, man. These are what we call “quality problems”

There’s not an easy answer to this. You’re going to have to go through running both relationships and feeling a little bad that maybe you’re going to hurt these girls, just trusting yourself that whatever happens you can explain it in a way they will understand and not be hurt by. Don’t lead them on, don’t promise anything you can’t deliver, and don’t let them assume things are headed in a direction you know they’re not headed in.

As you run mLTRs more, and discover women actually get MORE into you when you run your relationships this way (albeit you deal with a bit more drama), you eventually figure out how you’ll handle it with various girls without doing anything damaging or bad.

One thing I would recommend is looking for little subtle ways to imply (or make clear), in a playful way, that you’re not totally committed, so her expectations never reach that point where she thinks it’s a totally settled relationship.

You’re also going to want to figure out in advance how you’ll deal with any serious “What are we? / Where is this going?” confrontations a girl raises. Provided you’ve sorted that out in advance, you won’t be caught with your pants down when she presses you on it suddenly and you find yourself in this emotional confrontation unsure how to respond.

Chase

 

[Grand Pooba]

Estate:
Listen to GC Podcast #06 on non monogamous relationships.

Will write a more detailed post later.

 

[ray_zorse]

The best advice I could give is to be completely 100% willing to let one or both of them go. I wasn't as my abundance was not QUITE there yet even though I was dating multiple women and basically thinking I was the shit... as a result when I got the "are we boyfriend and girlfriend now" kind of jazz I didn't exactly say yes or no, didn't want to commit but also didn't want to lose her, I believe I told both of them I was dating multiple women but because I didn't want to give specifics I didn't really stress this enough and basically allowed them to think r/ship might be on the cards... I was pretty strong for a number of months saying stuff like "much as I love being with you, what you're suggesting would be silly, how does it benefit you if for example you're at work and I'm at home bored when I could be out in a club chatting up lots of girls and trying my luck there" and she's like "it's fine to go out and enjoy yourself and meet people but there has to be a line" and I'm like "no I don't agree with that at all, it's boring to go out if you can't go all the way and take advantage of whatever oppprtunities present themselves, look I am sorry but I do not agree and I value my freedom and I'm keeping it, when I am with you I am all yours and when you're not here I do what I want"... trouble was that as time went on and I got more and more invested in my girls it was really hard to keep this up because it was cruel and I knew they would auto reject, so instead of allowing a reasonable time (3-5mths) to enjoy the FWB and then let them go, I softened my tone a lot and got into all sorts of fucking trouble as a result. I did indeed break up with one of my girls telling her it was getting too serious and I felt like I was misleading her given that an LTR was out of the question for me and I needed to date other women, intended to do the same with the other one but softened at the last minute and... ended up back in both r/ships again because I had continued to spend platonic time with first girl and we still really enjoyed one another's company... so I softened on her account too... and as a result of this weakness (not having true abundance) I ended up with big problems in both relationships. You must believe me when I say from experience that given the situation you described you are really on the edge of a precipice. Don't fall. Be tough and be willing to hurt her now not MORE later.
Ray

 

[Grand Pooba]

Couple of pointers for mLTRs:

- Frame from meet through the course of your interaction should be 80% lover, 20% provider.
- Never see each other more than once a week. If she's anything but a high level mLTR, don't let her sleep over.
- If she messages you first, respond and talk as usual.Only message her to set up the next meet, logistics.
- If she is an MLTR, you can do datey things like go out places, but avoid doing romantic monogamous boyfriend things. Distinctions are (a few examples) - hand holding, being very romantic, introducing each other to friends and family, doing social events together, etc. Exception if she's a high level mLTR candidate that you're evaluating for girlfriend status.
- Don't lead a girl on that you're going to convert her to a girlfriend. If you're not, then you're not. Don't do things that give off this impression, because then you'll just hurt her.
- Never bring up your intentions to be non-monogamous. Let her be the instigator. Would also suggest avoiding this talk as long as possible. Know well ahead of time where she stands and what you'll say to her when she wants to know.
- If she wants to know where she stands in your eyes and you have to discuss it, and you've decided she is nothing more than a mLTR or FWB, tell her that you're not the kind of guy that does exclusive relationships, it's not what you're looking for. But, you like her and you like spending time with her. Tell her she can leave if she wants, but you also hope she doesn't.
- 1/4 women drop off immediately, the remainder will hang on but will drop off slowly and find another guy that can give them a relationship. Key in the post talk stage is to be nice to her and don't play any games, but also don't talk about the relationship when she does bring it up.
- When she wants to leave (even if she doesn't instigate it, you can tell by her behavior) then let her go. If you really wanted to keep her around, you would have done so way before. Trust your judgement.