FU ScreenDamsel

[Marty]

This happened a while back, but I wanted to wait and see what happened before posting. It's dead in the water, unfortunately... perhaps someone can help me learn why.

March 3: I see a very cute girl coming head-on in my city's major thoroughfare. I ignore her at first... she has a girlish figure with very thin legs that makes me think, wrongly it turns out, that she might even be too young for this game. But just as she passes, fortunately, I notice she is smoking a cigarette. I have no idea what the legal age for tobacco is in my state, but I find hard to believe a minor would smoke openly in the flagship street of the state's capital and only big city.

So I turn and follow her. She turns off at the next intersection and I walk behind her a full block. As luck would have it, she has to wait for the signal to change at a crosswalk. I draw parallel and walk with her once the traffic subsides. On the opposite sidewalk, I open using a great standby learned from NarrowJ: "Where's your coat? You're gonna freeze!"

She gives me a beaming smile, I compliment her on it and introduce myself. I immediately say that she looks awfully young and ask her age; she says 26. Twenty-six! Hard to believe. We get chatting and she tells me she's working at a restaurant to get by, but she's actually an aspiring actress. Recently played the role of an eighteen-year-old; well, that would make sense. And on-screen, not on-stage. I ask what type of movies and she tells me horror shows.

(I PMed a member of this forum in good standing who goes in for this form of entertainment, sent him the actress's name and some photos from the web, and he says he recognizes her from a TV show. I've never been a fan of the macabre so it was all meaningless to me.)

Throughout this she is using a "curious" tone of voice with me; perhaps it's the acting skill. She has a very disarming manner. Anyway, from her body language it becomes apparent that we are arriving at her destination, so I move things forward.

• Marty: Is this where you live?
  
  ScreenDamsel: Yeah, well, this is where I'm staying at the moment, trying to find something more permanent though.

(No idea why she tried to downplay it like that, it was a perfectly respectable apartment building, not some run-down slumlord facility.)

• 
  Marty: Marvelous. Well, shall we get dinner some time?
  
  ScreenDamsel: Sure! Do you want my phone number?

I accept it, she checks that my number comes up properly on her phone when I place a missed call, I kiss her on the cheek and depart. So far so good, I assume. I text her an hour later:

• 3/3 3:09 PM—Marty: Happy to meet you, ScreenDamsel! Have a restful afternoon Marty
  
  3/3 3:11 PM—ScreenDamsel: Thank you! I hope I have a restful afternoon as well.
  
  3/4 11:11 AM—Marty: Shall we grab that coffee this week... how's your schedule looking?
  
  3/11 2:22 PM—Marty: Hey ScreenDamsel, I saw movie crews filming outside of my office today and was reminded of you! Are you happy today? -Marty

Considering that 10 days has passed since my last message and she didn't respond to the one before that, I consider this relation spoiled. Why, though? She seemed so enthusiastic before. Was it just professional acting, do you think?

 

[Richard]

Marty,

There's not much that I see wrong here in actuality - being that she's an aspiring actress though, I'd assume that she's busy more than likely.

But, I've got two notes:

1) Being that I don't know the exacts of the conversation the two of you had, I can only go by what you wrote. From that, you should have went for an instant date - or instant lay even because you were at her front door steps basically when her body language changed - that doesn't signal, to me, that she was ready to stop walking because her stop was coming up and instead that she wanted to spend a bit more time with you.

After asking her if that's where she lived, and she downplays it, you could've persisted that you see the apartment (to counteract her downplaying it), or ignore her down playing it and persist that you two spend some more time together because she enjoyed your company.

Then a little subtlety but, to me, it seems like you disregarded her comment by saying:

Marty: Marvelous. Well, shall we get dinner some time?

Nevertheless, she offered her number.

2) Again, I can only go off of what you wrote, but: you jumped a little too fast to the texting.

Your text after your goodbye was great.

But, you shouldn't:
-Mention the date the day after you meet her.
-Nor send a date offer as a cold text.

11:11 AM - Marty: Shall we grab that coffee this week... how's your schedule looking?

If that was all the texting the two of you did, then I would peg this as the issue with her flaking.

I know that you're supposed to keep texting to a minimum, but before asking for dates- build just a little rapport through text (nothing crazy, maybe 3-4 texts to remind her of who you are and things like that) then offer the date.

Just my two sense Marty ,

-Richard

 

[luego]

I know that you're supposed to keep texting to a minimum, but before asking for dates- build just a little rapport through text (nothing crazy, maybe 3-4 texts to remind her of who you are and things like that) then offer the date

So what's the good opener? I tend to lead with similar texts to Marty. I was under the impression that any generic "Hi Suzie, hope you're having a great day" type thing is dismissed as mundane and may even be lost in the floods of texts the average attractive girl receives. This opening text seems tough if (a) not to immediately ask for the date (b) not to be mundane (c) not to be too witty/gamey (d) etc.

 

[Franco]

luego

I was under the impression that any generic "Hi Suzie, hope you're having a great day" type thing is dismissed as mundane and may even be lost in the floods of texts the average attractive girl receives.

It's best if you can refer to something you knew she was going to be doing around that time or before you texted her (i.e. "Hey Suzie, how was your evening run? " or "Hey Suzie, did your Friday night with the ladies end up being a good one? ").

EDIT: Make sure you form it as a question; she's a lot more likely to respond (and give you a better response) if you form it as a question rather than make it a statement.

If you don't have a reference point, you can just ask her how her day was. Yeah, it's a bit mundane, but if she likes you, she'll respond. The girl knows there's only so many things you can open with, so it's not like she'll be expecting your first text to be some magical text that was totally off the wall. Keep it simple and light-hearted. When she responds, you can use that to build up 3-4 texts of rapport and then ask for the date.

- Franco

 

[Richard]

The problem with offering the date immediately is that it comes off as needy/desperate.

Think about Luego, if some girl you met liked you and you were into her did the following:

Day 1:"Hey Luego, hope you have a nice day."
Day 2:"Hey Luego... about that date? When are we doing it?" (which is the underlying message in what Marty texted)

Anyway, Marty's day 10 text to her would've much better served as a day 2. It's not desperate and it's more natural like "I thought of you because of XYZ" which makes for a great segue into asking for a date.

So, what I do is text something 2-3 days later that reminds me of something her and I talked about to remind her of who I am, and what happened when I picked her up. Or I ask her about something she was telling me she was going to be doing soon.

Also, I like to be a bit more direct when offering dates via text:

"ScreenDamsel, hey! Thinking we should get that bite to eat soon . How's XYZ for you?"

Emoticons, and word choice are powerful when texting.

Shall we grab that coffee this week... how's your schedule looking?

vs.

"ScreenDamsel, hey! Thinking we should get that bite to eat soon . How's XYZ for you?"

The latter just sounds better, reads better, and has a better feel to it.

or

"Hey ScreenDamsel, how was your night visiting the family? Hope it wasn't as mundane as you thought it would be =)

EDIT: DAMMMNNNN FRANCO.... You posted just a few seconds before me

 

[Marty]

Hey Zphix!

Really, really helpful advice. Thank you for that

You're actually reinforcing what NarrowJ told me on an earlier thread. He also said he exchanges 3-4 texts before reminding her of the prior date arrangement.

I'm assuming that the problem with coming straight to the point is that you get pegged as "one of those guys who only wants one thing", correct?

Regarding the instant date suggestion... I figured it was a bad idea. That's because she'd just got off of work at the restaurant—the lunch shift presumably—and was pretty evidently going home. Think about it, if you've just been working serving lunches and are looking forward to relaxing at home, the last thing you want is to be taken off to another establishment like a coffee-house or whatever. You want to put your feet up.

What might have been nice on another occasion: asking her to replay a recording of one of her movies, and watch it with her next to me in the room... that'd be a first-time experience for me and inordinately cool, and would offer a perfect setting to escalate to sex. Unfortunately, however, since she's not responding to my text messages I'm not sure how I can suggest it, short of coincidentally running into her again. Maybe I should phone her now?

One thing I don't understand:

Emoticons, and word choice are powerful when texting.

• Shall we grab that coffee this week... how's your schedule looking?
  vs.
  "ScreenDamsel, hey! Thinking we should get that bite to eat soon . How's XYZ for you?"

The latter just sounds better, reads better, and has a better feel to it.

What's the real difference between these two? They seem pretty identical to me, but I'm not very good at writing. Is it just that you're suggesting a specific time and place?

Also, why would you use emoticons here when no emotion is being conveyed, it's just a straight logistics setup?

Thanks again for your guidance, Zphix!

-Marty

 

[Richard]

Regarding the instant date suggestion... I figured it was a bad idea. That's because she'd just got off of work at the restaurant—the lunch shift presumably—and was pretty evidently going home. Think about it, if you've just been working serving lunches and are looking forward to relaxing at home, the last thing you want is to be taken off to another establishment like a coffee-house or whatever. You want to put your feet up.

Alright Marty, let me offer another scenario.

She has had a long day at work, her feet are sore, the customers were being assholes, and she's really looking forward to going home letting her down, and just unwinding. But on the way home she meets a nice man, he's cool, he connects with her, and she's really enjoying his vibe and his company. She knows she wants to go home and relax, but then she's got this enjoyable company, so she's got a few options:

-Relax at home alone like she would after any other ordinary bad day
-Relax at home with this enjoyable gentleman

If you would've persisted in the two of you spending more time together at her place - I can almost guarantee she would have gladly accepted it =P

What's the real difference between these two? They seem pretty identical to me, but I'm not very good at writing. Is it just that you're suggesting a specific time and place?

Also, why would you use emoticons here when no emotion is being conveyed, it's just a straight logistics setup?

It seems that I'm being forced to reveal my poetic side haha... With texting, because no emotion is conveyed as it would be through tone of voice, you have to rely on syntax and emoticons to portray emotions.

Then, you said that no emotion is being conveyed: To a girl, what does that imply about you? If you don't convey emotion...?

As far the differences between the two texts, it really comes down to syntax, and the weight of the words/phrases.

Shall we grab that coffee this week... how's your schedule looking? <-- With no emoticons, or inordinate punctuation - there's no pizzazz and there's nothing fun about it. When said out loud it seems plain, and it seems even more plain through texts where no emotion is displayed naturally anyway.

Where as ScreenDamsel, hey! Thinking we should get that bite to eat soon . How's XYZ for you? <-- The emoticons, and punctuation display different meaning and make it more fun to read. "Thinking we should get that bite to eat soon" sounds more action-y than "Shall we grab coffee this week" and thus reflects a better side of you.

The texts at face value say the exact same thing, but remember that words go far deeper than face value - and you control the deeper meaning by incorporating fun phrases and vibrant emoticons in your texts opposed to the mundane texts she probably gets from guys daily.

I've found that because I dabble in poetry I can properly convey emotions through text as well. Let me give you a more poetic example to see if it shows better:

The house caught on fire

vs.

The house burst ablaze

They mean the same thing but one just commands your attention and holds it! while the other is casually overlooked.

It's a subtly that makes a difference,

-Richard