Screening for LTRs: Chemistry VS Qualities or Attributes

[Bboy100]

So I feel like when we meet a girl we like, there are really two different ways we can screen for them.
1. Logical criteria which we know we prefer in a women
Ex. Intelligence, Good mental health, Beauty, Kindness, Ambition ...and so on
2. "Chemistry"- This is the almost ineffable feeling that we get when we're "into" a girl. Oftentimes, the girls we feel this way for are in conflict with or maybe even the exact opposite of the logical criteria we look for. I feel like chemistry, like other qualities, runs on a spectrum. We can have no chemistry, a little chemistry, a moderate amount, a lot, more than anyone we've ever met etc.

Imo, both these things are important. A girl who seems great on paper, but we feel nothing for will probably not make a good partner. But of course, neither will a girl who we really connect with, but is also batshit crazy. Or unintelligent. Or completely selfish etc.

What do you guys think? Which of these two types of qualities are more important?

 

[Smith]

I believe that to be in a LTR with someone, you need to spend enough time with them in the casual stage to know who they really are before you commit yourself to the relationship. Therefore with that being said, spending more time with them will let you know whether you have chemistry with her ( which is not just sexual chemistry) and also if she has the qualities you're looking for in a LTR.

Personally, I think chemistry is slightly more important than attributes, but she should still have the basic requirement for a LTR, like kindness, caring, adventurous...etc. Some attributes for me are more important than others, like where is she in life? Is she on a path to become a better person? or is she just lazy and not going anywhere in life? And some attributes are less important for me so if a girl doesn't have it, I don't really care if she's great in other departments. Also, your taste may change from time to time. You might want a sweet, caring girl now, but a few months later, you get tired of her and you want someone who's adventurous and emotional.

These days I found that the girls I have good chemistry with also have the qualities I'm looking for, so I guess they both come hand in hand. You attract what you are. If you're an adventurous person or someone who's doing a lot of things in life, a girl who's a home body and not doing much won't really have a lot of chemistry with you.

 

[Grand Pooba]

Hey BBoy,

So I feel like when we meet a girl we like, there are really two different ways we can screen for them.
1. Logical criteria which we know we prefer in a women
Ex. Intelligence, Good mental health, Beauty, Kindness, Ambition ...and so on
2. "Chemistry"- This is the almost ineffable feeling that we get when we're "into" a girl. Oftentimes, the girls we feel this way for are in conflict with or maybe even the exact opposite of the logical criteria we look for. I feel like chemistry, like other qualities, runs on a spectrum. We can have no chemistry, a little chemistry, a moderate amount, a lot, more than anyone we've ever met etc.

At the end of the day you're going to have to find someone you're happy being with in a LTR or MLTR. When you've achieved a high level of skill as a man, you'll be able to in a short amount of time (a few weeks) find girls with both qualities - chemistry and that connection, as well as the logical criteria that you find attractive in a woman.

But for the sake of this discussion, personally I find the "chemistry" component a hell of a lot more important than the "logical" component - if you find a woman who's logically good for you but not a good personality match, then you could run into a twofold problem:
1. More drama and problems during the course of your relationship - because you fundamentally do not "get along" on a core baseline personality level, yet you feel committed to her because she fit's your ideal logically, on paper. Which goes to the second point:
2. Accepting bad behavior or placating, and not leaving a bad situation in time or at the right time - because again internally you feel that she is logically good for you. Could put you in a scarcity mindset.

Yet, like you, I do agree both of these things are very important and should be given weight, but I weigh chemistry and connectedness a little higher than the logical component. You also don't want the other extreme - super connected but logically bad for you, but you've already talked about this a bit.

I'm writing an article on this that will be up on GC probably next month. However, for now pick up this book: "Why Him, Why Her" by Helen Fisher. It will give you an idea of the chemistry component that goes into matches.

 

[Bboy100]

Thanks for the replies guys! What you guys say seems to be about right to me as well.

I believe that to be in a LTR with someone, you need to spend enough time with them in the casual stage to know who they really are before you commit yourself to the relationship.

Interesting. This is a perspective I hadn't thought of. I always assumed chemistry was either there or it wasn't. But perhaps that's because I haven't really been in an LTR as of yet. I'll definitely keep this in mind

However, for now pick up this book: "Why Him, Why Her" by Helen Fisher. It will give you an idea of the chemistry component that goes into

Yeah, this book seems interesting! Just downloaded it