Second chances or nah

[moom]

To the point here:

I expressed one of my expectations prior to the relationship was not spending 1 on 1 time with a guy or being with another guy in a room alone/ no close guy friends -

2 days ago, a guy friend she's known for years (who has a girlfriend) had a package delivered to my girlfriend's place since him and his girlfriend were just moving back into town. He went to her place to pick it up and they chatted for like 40 minutes.

After he picked up his stuff and left, he randomly showed up to my girlfriend's place at 2 in the morning, told my girl that he had been in a fight with his girl and he needed a place to crash. According to her, he was outside my girl's place when he called her, and she didn't want to feel like an asshole so she let him in. He slept in the spare bedroom (he was planning to sleep there for the weekend while he looked for a new place and she was going to be at mine). She left for work the next morning before he woke up.

Yesterday, she comes over right after work. She was planning on spending the weekend with me anyways. We talk and I ask how her day was, and she tells me all of this pretty much right away. I calmly tell her she broke an expectation, that she fucked up and how it was going to hurt the trust of our relationship. I explain to her that I set these expectations for the good of our relationship prior to even getting committed and that if she can't uphold them, we shouldn't be together. She starts crying, I tell her its not a good idea to have him sleep there. She texts the guy "I didn't think this through, you're going to have to leave. Leave the key taped behind the garbage bin. I didn't think of how this would affect moom and disrespect our relationship, and I don't want to do that to him."

She tells me she's never had a crush on this guy or anything- they had an art business going on for like 3 months about 2 years ago mainly.

I'm thinking about breaking up, but decide to give her a second chance. I tell her that if she runs into a situation like this in the future to call me and ask what she should do and that I really don't have the time to be policing her actions. I tell her if she does end up doing something like this again though, that'll be it for us and that at that point she becomes much more of a hindrance to my life than an addition.

I tell her we won't have sex that night. She spends the next day trying to make it up to me, paying for our meals and drinks, cooking for me, etc. She tells me she's sorry and that she fucked up, and that she's going to prove to me that she can rebuild my trust.

I of course, am skeptical. Already have one foot out the door. I know how these things go USUALLY, once they fuck up, they'll probably fuck up again.

Anyways, what are your thoughts on this? Second chance worth it or not?

 

[Alpha13SC]

Dude,

What was the expectation?

 

[moom]

Dude,

What was the expectation?

Expectation was "not spending 1 on 1 time with a guy or being with another guy in a room alone / no close guy friends"

 

[Lobo]

why are you scared of her being around another dude is the better question

 

[moom]

@Lobo Its more about the principle- i trust her but i set expectations prior to the relationship, alot based on what i read on the site. She broke my trust based on principle, rather than it being about the guy

 

[Rain]

@Lobo Its more about the principle- i trust her but i set expectations prior to the relationship, alot based on what i read on the site. She broke my trust based on principle, rather than it being about the guy

Do you have a link about not spending one on one time with other guys? I'm not sure if I have or haven't heard it on gc articles/youtube before.

 

[Lobo]

@Lobo Its more about the principle- i trust her but i set expectations prior to the relationship, alot based on what i read on the site. She broke my trust based on principle, rather than it being about the guy

ah i see.

But my main thing is i think you set yourself up for failure with this expectation. If you guys date for 2 years or something, how likely is it that she will never be around another guy. Like the 40 min she spent talking with the guy was an offense no?

 

[ulrich]

I think you overreacted a little and your expectation is somewhat harsh.

That being said, your girl is sincerely sorry, she is complying to your requests and she is showing remorse.
I wouldn’t let go someone showing that kind of devotion without a second or third chance.

 

[moom]

@Rain It's an expectation I got from Hector- I subscribed to his Patreon and an expectation he sets in relationships is "no close guy friends/ no hanging out with guy friends 1 on 1. This goes doubly for exes or guys youve ever had a crush on."

@Lobo We'll see about this one- I said group situations are fine to hang out with guys in, I just don't want 1 on 1 or being in a room alone with a guy within obvious reason. I'm a massive flirt and she finds comfort in setting the same expectation with me

@uriel I agree with you here, I may have been a little harsh. I was pissed based on principle- I've given her a second chance and she's working to build my trust again and thins are good now. She is extremely devoted, so that is a great sign

 

[Chase]

@moom,

The principle of "no sleepovers with other dudes" is a sound one. "No dudes hanging out with you one-on-one in your place" is also sound.

However, you're generally going to have to have some allowances when breaking girls into rules like these, because most men she's been with have likely been far more permissive.

She knows in her heart that her chilling alone with a dude in an apartment while she's in a relationship with another dude is not what she should be doing. But she's also had society telling her she should be able to do whatever she wants, that men and women can totally be platonic friends, she's maybe had this guy tell her repeatedly how much he respects her (whether true or not... a lot of guys who want to get into girls' pants will tell them stuff like this), and she may have had past boyfriends who didn't care, either because they were ignorant of the risk or because they just didn't care that much about their chick getting passed around.

The first incident like this you need to treat as a teaching moment. Stay calm, tell her that's not something you're cool with, tell her you're glad she told you, but that you would not like her doing that again in the future.

That alone is generally going to be enough to make most girls realize they screwed up a lot and correct the behavior permanently.

(on the other hand, if you get the girl who starts freaking out, talking about you being controlling, or saying that you don't get to tell her who she can and can't have in her place, or whatnot, that's the point where it's time to grab the ripcord and get out. Alternately, if she agrees, then keeps doing it, at some point you will have to accept that this is a girl who is not going to be able to control herself, and decide whether that is the kind of woman you want around you or not)

Chase

 

[Regal Tiger]

Sounds like everything is good already, but still wanted to put in something I didn't see mentioned:

I'm with @uriel on this one, but something else that I want to point out is that she told you on her own. You didn't have to go digging for the truth, doesn't sound like she tried to hide anything

Could be wrong, but that's how it sounds to me. Which would mean a lot, at least for me personally. It is your life though

 

[moom]

@moom,

The principle of "no sleepovers with other dudes" is a sound one. "No dudes hanging out with you one-on-one in your place" is also sound.

However, you're generally going to have to have some allowances when breaking girls into rules like these, because most men she's been with have likely been far more permissive.

She knows in her heart that her chilling alone with a dude in an apartment while she's in a relationship with another dude is not what she should be doing. But she's also had society telling her she should be able to do whatever she wants, that men and women can totally be platonic friends, she's maybe had this guy tell her repeatedly how much he respects her (whether true or not... a lot of guys who want to get into girls' pants will tell them stuff like this), and she may have had past boyfriends who didn't care, either because they were ignorant of the risk or because they just didn't care that much about their chick getting passed around.

The first incident like this you need to treat as a teaching moment. Stay calm, tell her that's not something you're cool with, tell her you're glad she told you, but that you would not like her doing that again in the future.

That alone is generally going to be enough to make most girls realize they screwed up a lot and correct the behavior permanently.

(on the other hand, if you get the girl who starts freaking out, talking about you being controlling, or saying that you don't get to tell her who she can and can't have in her place, or whatnot, that's the point where it's time to grab the ripcord and get out. Alternately, if she agrees, then keeps doing it, at some point you will have to accept that this is a girl who is not going to be able to control herself, and decide whether that is the kind of woman you want around you or not)

Chase

@Chase Thank you for this- these were exactly my thoughts. She seems incredibly remorseful and is actively trying to rebuild my trust.

I told her in the future that if she runs into a scenario like this again, to call me if she doesn’t know what to do and I can help her work through the scenario and do whats best for us.

I’ve actively told her it wasn’t cool the day of and how it hurt the trust in our relationship, and was quite distant with her that first day she told me although I told her I appreciate that she was honest with me. All in all, I played it well I think. Could have done some small things a little better and not have the threat of a breakup looming over the whole situation, but she seems to be in line and we’ve moved past it.

Thanks Chase.

 

[moom]

Sounds like everything is good already, but still wanted to put in something I didn't see mentioned:

I'm with @uriel on this one, but something else that I want to point out is that she told you on her own. You didn't have to go digging for the truth, doesn't sound like she tried to hide anything

Could be wrong, but that's how it sounds to me. Which would mean a lot, at least for me personally. It is your life though

Yeah I didnt have to dig through it, she pretty much told me right away. I agree I was a little harsh but I told her it was for the good of the relationship and that I trust her to make the right decision in the future.

 

[Regal Tiger]

Yeah I didnt have to dig through it, she pretty much told me right away. I agree I was a little harsh but I told her it was for the good of the relationship and that I trust her to make the right decision in the future.

Eh, shit happens. Good to hear it's moving forward just fine though!