Setting boundaries in a monogamous relationship

[thommo]

Hi

Just wondering what your thoughts are on setting boundaries in monogamy?

My gf (we're both in our forties - have been together four months) is travelling overseas shortly for a month for her sister's wedding. She'll also be meeting up with and spending four days in another country with a guy friend (same age) that she lived on a Kibbutz with 20 years ago - they were only ever friends, and they haven't seen each other since.

They have separate hotel rooms booked, but will be hanging out together back at one of the rooms at night after spending the days together, where they most likely will have a couple of wines and a joint or two.

Just wondering what your guys (and girls) thoughts are on friends of the opposite sex hanging out like this? Would you consider this a compromising situation that should be avoided in the interest of the monogamous relationship? Or is thinking like this a sign of insecurity on my part?

He's a very attractive, intelligent, accomplished single guy. She's a very attractive, intelligent woman. The thought of them being alone together, sitting on a hotel bed, drinking and getting high feels like the perfect situation for things to get out of hand if a spark between them happens to occur - regardless what good intentions they may enter that situation with.

Is my imagination making me paranoid, or is not saying something a bad move in that it's making me look like a chump?

If he decides to make a move, it seems like it could be very easy to sweep a girl off her feet in this situation, especially if they're really connecting, and especially as she probably won't be making sound decisions when drinking wine and smoking pot.

It's tricky. If I say something, I feel like I may drive her into his arms by me coming across as the jealous boyfriend, and making the situation taboo and potentially more sexually charged by asking her not to put herself in this situation ala we want what we can't have.

Your thoughts?

Thanks for your time and help.

 

[ProblemSolving]

Hey Thommo,

Whether or not you should be worried depends on a few things.

She'll also be meeting up with and spending four days in another country with a guy friend (same age) that she lived on a Kibbutz with 20 years ago - they were only ever friends, and they haven't seen each other since.

Why didn't they hook up 20 years ago? The reasons for the lack of sex 20 years ago are most likely still there now.

What is the current situation with your girlfriend right now? Is she initiating contact with you by calling and texting daily? Is she enthusiastically meeting up for dates and sexy time?

It's tricky. If I say something, I feel like I may drive her into his arms by me coming across as the jealous boyfriend, and making the situation taboo and potentially more sexually charged by asking her not to put herself in this situation ala we want what we can't have.

If you are running your relationship properly, you shouldn't have anything to worry about. This trip was probably planned long before she even met you, so trying to change things will just make you look weak. Plus, you don't have any leverage in this situation.

If your relationship is currently running smooth, then relax. If you start to get worried about her cheating while she's gone, then go out and hit on some other chicks to put your mind at ease.

A month is a long time to be apart when your relationship is still new, so I would expect her to be initiating contact with you consistently with plenty of "I miss you" texts. If she's really hooked, she might even come home early, but again, this depends on how well you've run the relationship up to this point.

 

[thommo]

Thanks for your reply ProblemSolving

I'm not sure why they didn't hook up, but yeah - I guess the reasons for just staying friends may still be there. On the other hand, people change, and history is littered with stories of friends becoming lovers.

Yeah - our relationship is good - daily texts, calls, and regular sleep overs - equal effort and enthusiasm. Things are good.

When you say I don't have any leverage in this situation, what do you mean? What would be an example of having leverage?

I'm unsure in which types of situations it's ok to say "that's a boundary for me", or how to respond to what feel like tests to see whether I'll say anything about it eg the other day she said "I hope I don't get horny in Berlin". My response was "if you get horny, call me" ie phone sex. But why would a girl say something like that? To elicit a jealous response; to see if I'm too weak to protect our relationship by letting her hang out in what feels like compromising situations with guys?

I guess what I'm asking is, how do you know what situations definitely require you to say "I'm not comfortable with this - would you be comfortable if I was hanging out with a woman in the same circumstance?" ie when is it ok to protect your relationship from other men?

A month ago we broke up, as I expressed a boundary where a guy, that she had kissed late last year, was hanging alone with her at night at her house a couple of times a week, where they were drinking and smoking joints. One night he came over at 10pm and left at 1am. She said she wasn't willing to stop seeing him in that way, which I said I respected, but that meant things weren't going to work for me, so we broke up. The next day she said she'd thought about it, and that there's no way she'd feel comfortable if I had a woman over in the same circumstance, so we got back together, on the understanding that we put the shoe on the other foot in situations that may feel like they're potentially compromising, which is a new way of thinking for her.

I don't feel I'm a jealous or mistrustful guy eg I offered to have an open relationship with her when we first discussed monogamy, and I often bring other men into our fantasy talk during sex. However, I believe that human nature can take over in the right 'perfect storm' scenario regardless of best intentions. I've never cheated on a woman, but I still wouldn't put myself alone with another attractive woman in a hotel room, drinking alcohol and smoking pot till the wee small hours, and my gut tells me that most women wouldn't want their bf's doing that, regardless the girl's just a friend - temptation, especially when you're not sober, can be a powerful thing (the guy I mentioned earlier that she kissed was married at the time, and it was on a night when they'd been drinking a fair amount).

Thanks again for your time and help.

 

[ProblemSolving]

Yeah - our relationship is good - daily texts, calls, and regular sleep overs - equal effort and enthusiasm. Things are good

Equal effort is OK, but it's far from ideal. She should be the one initiating contact the majority of time.

When you say I don't have any leverage in this situation, what do you mean? What would be an example of having leverage?

Leverage would be being able to make her feel the way you are feeling now. If you had a trip planned where you were going to be hanging out with a girl you know. If she was serious about you, she would let you know that she wasn't comfortable with it.

I'm unsure in which types of situations it's ok to say "that's a boundary for me", or how to respond to what feel like tests to see whether I'll say anything about it eg the other day she said "I hope I don't get horny in Berlin". My response was "if you get horny, call me" ie phone sex.

You are chasing. Next time put her on the defensive. "Yeah, I hope I don't get horny while you're gone." She should be the one worrying about what you're up to while she's gone.

A month ago we broke up, as I expressed a boundary where a guy, that she had kissed late last year, was hanging alone with her at night at her house a couple of times a week, where they were drinking and smoking joints. One night he came over at 10pm and left at 1am. She said she wasn't willing to stop seeing him in that way, which I said I respected, but that meant things weren't going to work for me, so we broke up. The next day she said she'd thought about it, and that there's no way she'd feel comfortable if I had a woman over in the same circumstance, so we got back together, on the understanding that we put the shoe on the other foot in situations that may feel like they're potentially compromising, which is a new way of thinking for her.

Okay THIS changes things. This girl is not crazy about you, which means you've been chasing her somewhat. The fact that she wants to hang out with other guys is a huge red flag. Luckily, you showed some balls by putting your foot down which basically saved your relationship. When she saw that you had some strength, she came crawling back.

This relationship is not rock solid, so this whole situation should make you feel a bit uncomfortable. In light of the information, I would let her know that you're not too comfortable with the idea of her hanging out with this guy and that since she's going to be gone for so long, that maybe an open relationship would work better while she's gone.

This way you show a bit of weakness with you admitting you're uncomfortable, but you show plenty of balls by proposing an open relationship which puts her on the defensive. If she sees you as a strong and capable man, she will fight to regain your trust. If she planned to cheat all along, she won't. If she still wants to meet up with this guy, then I'd dump her.

 

[thommo]

Thanks again for this.

Why should a girl be putting in more effort? She's put in a huge effort to date - I had a sick dog staying at my house, and she traveled to mine (we live two hours apart) weekly as I couldn't stay away, she's always buying me things, has twice told me she felt like there's an imbalance in who initiates phone calls ie she feels she puts in more communication effort. So it feels right to match her effort in this relationship.

I'm not convinced she's not crazy about me. Many times she's looked at me with huge intensity, often after sex, and said "you're amazing". Many times she's driven 2 hours from her place, after a long day of work, to spend what amounts to about 12 hours with me before having to drive home - and it was her idea to make those plans, not me initiating it. She's introduced her son to me (big step for her). She was the first one to use the word "Love" to sign off a text message. There's almost always huge enthusiasm in her tone when we speak on the phone, and in her presence in person.

If I don't at least near match her effort, this girl knows she deserves more. She stuck it out in a near enough affectionless marriage for 12 years, and isn't willing to settle for less than the effort she puts in anymore.

Re her hanging out with other guys - the guy has been a friend for a couple of years, and drinking a couple of wines and having a joint or two was always their MO when hanging out - the kiss was one incident while very drunk and out. Does this change things re her hanging out with him ie surely it's ok for women to hang out with guy mates? Is it ok for women to hang out with guy mates alone at home? Is it ok for women to drink and smoke with guy mates when alone? Where do we draw the line? My objection was that they had been more than mates, the time of night, not being sober. She's not been hiding anything either, she would always mention when he'd been over, in the same way she's mention if a female mate had been over.

Your thoughts?

Thank you.

 

[ProblemSolving]

Why should a girl be putting in more effort? She's put in a huge effort to date - I had a sick dog staying at my house, and she traveled to mine (we live two hours apart) weekly as I couldn't stay away, she's always buying me things, has twice told me she felt like there's an imbalance in who initiates phone calls ie she feels she puts in more communication effort. So it feels right to match her effort in this relationship.

This is all good. The fact that she's complaining that you don't text her enough means you're on the right track, just don't match her effort.

I'm not convinced she's not crazy about me. Many times she's looked at me with huge intensity, often after sex, and said "you're amazing". Many times she's driven 2 hours from her place, after a long day of work, to spend what amounts to about 12 hours with me before having to drive home - and it was her idea to make those plans, not me initiating it. She's introduced her son to me (big step for her). She was the first one to use the word "Love" to sign off a text message. There's almost always huge enthusiasm in her tone when we speak on the phone, and in her presence in person.

This is all well and good, but it doesn't change the fact that she was ready to let you go in order to preserve her relationship with some orbiter guy even if her decision was only temporary. Like I said before, once she realized that you weren't a pussy, she changed her tune. If this girl was really crazy about you, she wouldn't even think twice about ditching this guy. You are the only guy giving her the dick at the moment which means you should have more influence in her life than her best friend and definitely more than all her orbiters.

If I don't at least near match her effort, this girl knows she deserves more. She stuck it out in a near enough affectionless marriage for 12 years, and isn't willing to settle for less than the effort she puts in anymore.

EVERY girl will want more effort from you, the mistake most guys make is giving it to them. You definitely need to reward girls for their effort, so they feel motivated to keep chasing.

She chases, you reward = relationship success

You chase, she runs away = relationship failure

Re her hanging out with other guys - the guy has been a friend for a couple of years, and drinking a couple of wines and having a joint or two was always their MO when hanging out - the kiss was one incident while very drunk and out. Does this change things re her hanging out with him ie surely it's ok for women to hang out with guy mates? Is it ok for women to hang out with guy mates alone at home? Is it ok for women to drink and smoke with guy mates when alone? Where do we draw the line? My objection was that they had been more than mates, the time of night, not being sober. She's not been hiding anything either, she would always mention when he'd been over, in the same way she's mention if a female mate had been over.

I wouldn't put up with it. It's not a big deal when everything is smooth sailing, but what happens when she's mad at you for whatever reason and decides to she needs to get drunk and blow off some steam with her guy friends?

Pretty much every girl I have had a relationship with has had a ton of guy friends. I let them know if they want to hang out with other guys then that's not a problem, BUT I will of course be hanging out with other girls. I let them choose their fate. As a result, suddenly hanging out with other guys doesn't seem so important to them anymore.

 

[thommo]

Thanks for all your help ProblemSolving.

I really like:

She chases, you reward = relationship success

You chase, she runs away = relationship failure

Great mindset

Cheers mate