Setting foundations during first 3 months: what if her Bday falls in the 3 month

[lux7]

So basically Chase suggests not investing much and not doing much "extra curricular activities" during the first 3 months of a relationship as that will set the stage for future expectations.

But what if her Bday falls in that 3 months timeframe?

And in the specific case, you've been out of town for the past week and deflected meeting at the airport and now the Bday is the first day you see each other in a ten days span?

Paid dinner out without "material" gift and without cinema could be ok?

 

[lux7]

Re: Setting foundations during first 3 months: what if her Bday falls in the 3 m

Or is it too minimalist and selfish no gift just because I am not into gifts (but women usually are)?

 

[Franco]

Re: Setting foundations during first 3 months: what if her Bday falls in the 3 m

lucifer,

If you aren't exclusive, I think even a paid dinner is too much. When he talks about the "first 3 months of a relationship," he's referring to the transition period after you two have had sex, but BEFORE you two have committed to each other. Until you two are committed, you can literally keep things to a minimum as much as you'd like.

At the very most, I would probably just have her over at your place for dinner that you two cook together (and I guess maybe I would pay for the ingredients as that would probably be fine if you want). I generally date more independent women, so if a girl's birthday were to fall on a day during the casual period that we're not committed, I would expect her to usually have other plans with her friends instead. It would feel a bit needy to me if a girl felt like she wanted to spend her birthday with me when I haven't even given her more than sex and conversation at that point. I'm sure it happens, but I would be slightly concerned about her future habits and her not having enough of her own time to spend on her own plate.

If you two are exclusive, then it's usually considered that you've "passed" the 3-month relationship period (although occasionally you can fall into a relationship before this amount of time expires, but it usually means you probably invested a bit more time in her earlier on than you probably should have, in my opinion). At that point, doing something like taking her out to dinner and paying for it is probably fine. It's really up to you at that point. I feel like a gift would be a bit too much for me (as I'm already paying for the dinner), but something relatively small in financial value would suffice.

- Franco

 

[lux7]

Re: Setting foundations during first 3 months: what if her Bday falls in the 3 m

Thanks Franco!

Overall makes sense.
In the specific I can't cook here and she's fresh out of uni looking for a job, often bringing food when we eat here, so maybe it's not bad precedent if I take this one without any further gift (she'll get the cake too).

On your comment about "neediness" of the bday thing, yeah, you made me think about that.
Though it also says two positive things: she leans more on the traditional side -positive if that's what one is looking for, of course- and she's captivated enough to organize things to spend time with you on important recurrences.

If after a couple months she'd think about her friends first, then you might question how much she really values you and whether or not you're holding enough sway on her.

 

[lux7]

Re: Setting foundations during first 3 months: what if her Bday falls in the 3 m

For the record, it was a bit of drama not having any gift and, I believe, a mistake.

I think at the end of the day it boiled down to where we were at and how invested in each other we were.

Since she was more invested -or at least so she thought- and was thinking about getting me gifts even though no bday of mine was around her mind shifted to "I do and care so much for you and you... Zit, nothing, care so little for me that not even my bday meant anything for you".

She went to the bathroom, came out crying and started wearing a coat to leave.
I let her vent a bit about what the issue was, then and self admittedly way too slowly, it took me some time to show I do actually care -and don't show it via gifts-.

The day after she said she exaggerated and I said "yeah, I haven't heard a sorry yet". And she actually apologized for the drama.

All in all, given where we're at, I reckon that getting something small, just to show a thought behind it, would have been the best course of action.

 

[Franco]

Re: Setting foundations during first 3 months: what if her Bday falls in the 3 m

luc,

The day after she said she exaggerated and I said "yeah, I haven't heard a sorry yet". And she actually apologized for the drama.

It sounds like you won this fight here. Remember, the idea isn't to avoid drama. By not giving her the gift, she caused drama because she was worried about your feelings about her, but you were in no way obligated to get her anything if two aren't exclusive yet (which I guess you haven't clarified, but it seems this way). If she apologized, then it means she realized she was in the wrong for getting as upset as she did.

I'm not saying the small gift wouldn't have been the better course of action necessarily, but it's important to realize that having no drama from your woman is not a good thing -- it means her feelings for you aren't strong enough that she feels like she has to fight to keep you.

(FYI, my girlfriend of over one year started huge drama with me about a month ago because I didn't get her a gift/card for our anniversary. However, this was somewhat congruent with my behavior all the way up to the anniversary [which was that anniversaries aren't a huge deal to me], but I addressed the drama anyway and then we had a great weekend together and she was super happy; this included posting a pic of me and her on Facebook after the weekend was over with the caption "perfect anniversary weekend!")

Girls are tricky. They start drama without knowing whether or not they are in the right to start it. You have to address the problem and show them that (1) not only do you care, but (2) she is in the wrong to be that upset with you.

- Franco