The whole frame here got progressively worse.
First, you've gotta be real careful trying to sneak stuff because if you get caught it signals you have "intentions." If she's not there yet, you are now in the chasing position. Even if she is there, she can still test you just to see how you react to getting caught. With condoms, if you need to sneak it, the best time to sneak it is when she's highly aroused because you've been fingering her and she's nearly naked. If you're fingering her and she's moaning, she's too engrossed in that to pay attention to you getting the condom out.
But anyway, where it really goes off the rails is you trying to get out of looking like a sneak:
“What’d you just get?”
I turn to look at her staring at me.
Me: My wallet
NO! Bzzt, WRONG!
You know she knew you already took your wallet. Why would you lie and say you got your wallet after you already got your wallet and she saw you get your wallet?
You are now hiding something, and she knows it.
Right answer:
HER: What'd you just get?
YOU: What are you, OCD? Who are you texting on your phone? Tell me everything!
HER: It's a normal question. What was that?
YOU: You'll find out later. It's a secret.
HER: What WAS it?
YOU: If I tell you now, I'll have to kill you.
HER: Tell me!
YOU: I will tell you later, IF you are good!
Then if she doesn't hook up with you and she asks again as you're walking her out the door, you tell her she wasn't good so you're not gonna tell her
Her: Sooo what was it?
Me: *Pulls out pencil in same pocket* Woah! so crazy
And the hole gets deeper...
You're trying to hide it, man. Now even if she wanted sex, you look sneaky + scared! Bad look!
Her: Noo that wasn’t it
Me: *Pulls out another pencil*
Her: Okayy empty it out
Me: *Pulls out condom*
Once you started trying to "prove" it wasn't a condom by pulling stuff out of your bag, it was always going to end in her demanding you empty the rest of it out and you complying.
Tip: if you're going to do this sort of "trying to be sneaky, then getting caught in the act, then trying to prove you actually aren't guilty via some ruse" stuff, learn sleight of hand. It is not hard to clutch a condom in the palm of your hand while your fingers are free and get it out of there without her seeing. Could've clutched it in your palm while you removed a pencil... as soon as you started emptying the bag you should've known where that was going.
Her: Woow so THOSE were your intentions (Not angrily, more like playfully accusatory)
Me: Lol, not really. Whatever happens happens im not tripping.
Wrong answer again!
She wasn't even mad. She wasn't rejecting the frame. She was being playful about it.
You should've just joked around and brushed it aside:
HER: Woow so THOSE were your intentions!
YOU: You know the truth is I just got these and the guy at the store told me if you don't keep it warm it goes bad. And I was like, "It's gonna be too cold in the drawer over there," so I had to move it.
HER: [laughs] That is NOT true at all!
YOU: Hey, I'm not an expert on this stuff. [shrug]
Telling her "whatever happens happens" reinforces the frame that you are expecting sex to happen (clue number one was
you sneaking a condom into the bag! Very different than if the condom was already in there).
When a girl is going, "Oh, so your intentions are SEX!" you don't want to then be like "Hey, well, my intentions are sex," unless you are really owning the frame.
Having just tried to sneak around, hide it, then lie about what you moved to the bag, then complied with her demands to empty the bag, you are not owning the frame (she is).
Bad time to try and be ballsy.
Her: Whatever happens happens? Well I’m not that type of girl. I’m more of a dates type (Lol. Okay.)
Yes! Perfect! She still gives you another chance!
All you have to do here is shrug knowingly and be like, "I totally understand."
All she's doing here is saving face.
You made her feel like a slut by ASSUMING there'd be sex (which is how the condom move comes across to her) before she's made it clear she wants that with you... she saved face by saying she's "more of a dates girl."
Then later when you escalate to sex she can protest that weakly, you can overcome the LMR, great, done.
Oh no... why?
Why would you want to frame it as a date?
It was a casual thing, just the two of you hanging out. That's how sex happens!
If it's a date sex only happens after you've fully proven your boyfriend potential! That's like Date #3 or 4 or 5!
Don't make it a date!
Also, why would you ask what it is?
Why are you letting her control the frame,
@Kaida?
Did her making you empty the bag seize the frame that hard?
Don't make yourself sound like the clueless guy! She wants you to be the sexy guy!
Her: No its not
Me: Well, I mess with you anyway and I like talking with you. So we can just chill here and chat.
Her: Mmhmm right. *Lays back on my chest*
I knew that whole ordeal changed how I should proceed with the escalation. Thing is, I had no idea what to do, so I just did my default >> Build sexual tension by caressing her body / ass in silence, and go for the kiss soon after.
Well, during the caressing stage she got up and started to leave. I could see it coming, I just didnt know what to do.
Her: Well, its late (8pm?) I should get going
Me: Oh, what happened?
I'll tell you what happened:
You haven't reached Date #7 yet!
She's gotta put a stop to any physicality that happens too soon with a new potential boyfriend!
You
wanted to date her... right?
Her: I dont know. I’m not that kind of girl. We can reconnect some other day doing a public real date
Boom.
Frame, set.
Me: I mean you can leave if you want to, I don’t want you to leave though. Nobody said u were that kind of girl
"Nobody said you were that kind of girl who would have sex in any situation other than Date #7."
Nice of you to further reinforce that for her!
Her: I can see that, and we can try again later.
Aaaand she confirms that she understands you now view her as the type of girl who only has sex with guys she really, really trusts, who have sufficiently proven themselves to her, late into the dating phase.
Me: If I did anything to make you feel uncomfortable it wasn’t my intention. I hope you can look back at our past convo and how we vibed to see I’m not like that.
Her: I appreciate that thanks
Her: I’m back home
Well, you're probably out of the running for dates now too with that text.
The guys she wants as boyfriends don't do failed escalations early on then apologize for making her uncomfortable. Guys she wants as boyfriend OR lovers don't make her uncomfortable. They make her COMFORTABLE!
Whether she was uncomfortable or not (and I'm not getting any vibes here that she was, unless something happened toward the end there -- sounded like she just wanted to wait until Date #7 or whatever), suggesting that you made her uncomfortable
cements that frame in her mind for her... ESPECIALLY if it is the last thing she hears from you.
Immediately after this, I created a “covert condom” drawer in the bathroom so I can easily get condoms without fear of girls seeing me.
What else could I have done better gang? All criticism appreciated
The condom drawer is good.
But yeah, that FU was an agonizing read.
A deadly spiral of frame leakage that led inexorably to
total frame implosion.
It happens though.
I had some awful frame death spirals as a beginner like this too. You make a wrong move, you aren't sure what to do, then every move you make after that just makes it worse and worse.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Instead, think of it as an opportunity to get a LOT of lessons (since you made a cascading series of mistakes) about how to handle these sorts of situations where things go off the rails.
There were a lot of moments you could've saved this, but instead shucked and jived yourself into a deeper hole.
Take the lessons from each of them, and do it all better next time.
Also, even if you make a girl uncomfortable, don't say, "Sorry if I made you uncomfortable." Especially in school. The last thing you need is that message getting shown to all her friends and you getting known as "the awkward kid."
Instead, just be the chill, cool, nonchalant guy, and let her decide that she must've been mistaken in feeling uncomfortable around such a cool, non-needy guy.
You're getting there man!
This stuff happens!
Chase
