she wants and doesn't want..at the same time.

[sunny2015]

Hello everybody,

I write this post in search for opinions if anyone feels he/she could help me


Me: 39, Single.
She: 35,Boyfriend (according to her, she is with him because she is acustommed to him but she doesn´t love him).

In march, I got to be alone with her, I escalated very fast and we had sex. Since then, I did the same some other times, but she didn´t want to hang out, I used diferent tricks to be with her alone and then reescalate and have sex again.
Once, she refused my invitation, but when I asked if it was a no no forever she told me that she´d like me to persist even if her first idea was to say no (I freaked out ¿? ).I believe she acts like all is my fault trying not to feel guilty.

She enjoyed it very much but she felt that she was betraying her boyfriend so she tried to stop me trying to be alone again. During all of this period she texted me a lot, I almost never began a conversation over the phone. But she gradually stopped texting. Even tought I managed to be alone one more time before holidays and we had sex again. On holidays she texted me the two first weeks but she stopped doing it out of the blue.I have always felt her very close to me up to five days after having sex.

Now, I met her last wednesday but I couldn´t get to be alone with her, she told me she preferred not to hangout anymore. While talking I touched her and at first she tried to avoid me, but I finally managed to caress her, even kiss her(is obvious that she stills like me) but she finally left (she has done it before as well, I mean, trying to avoid me, but this time I feel she is more serious). I´ve tried to arrange a meeting on friday but she declined, as usual, I persisted (chased¿?) but this time I failed.

As you can see it has been a very complicated love/sex story. But I really like this girl

Any advice? any questions? Thanks in advance.I will keep you informed of the latest advances.


Things in my head:

- Not try to arrange a new meeting but be warm with her (I see her everyday, even weekends, for a short time).
- I´m afraid she will lose interest on me if I don´t try to arrange a meeting in a week, but perhaps is a false thought, and she is prepared to say no again and forever.
- I don´t know if is better to show interest or not, because if she sees that I give up maybe she is going into auto rejection.


PD: As you can see english is not my mother tongue

Sunny

 

[sunny2015]

UPDATE:

I finally decided to be warm with her but spend less time talking to her and don´t text her (I haven´t text her since friday). This morning (I´m European so it´s evening while I´m writing this text), she seemed very interested talking to me and we touch our arms and elbows, I felt her quite nervous, but I don´t know if she was nervous because she was trying to be polite with me or she is still interested. I ended the conversation, said bye and walked away.

I don´t know how much longer I should maintain this behaviour and invite her again to hang out or If I´m wrong and I´m entering in the friend zone forever. Any advice?

 

[Chase]

Sunny-

Somewhat difficult to get a read on how the girl sees you vs. how she views her boyfriend since details are sparse here. My guess is that she's comfortable with him, and likes sleeping with you but wants a relationship out of you... she may see you as a prospective new boyfriend, or is trying to wrangle you into that role.

My suspicion is that you might get her by being more "romantic" with her and telling her you want her to run away from her boring boyfriend and come be only with her. However, if she leaves her boyfriend, she's also going to put a lot of obligation on you and will be likely to hold that over your head any time you try to break up with her or get away from her if she turns out not to be perfect: "I had a great boyfriend, but you seduced me and made me leave him for you! Why would you do that and then leave me!" If you're a caring person, you may end up stuck with her.

I'd also caution you that you should expect the same behavior toward yourself that a woman exhibits toward her previous partners. So, expect that the end of her relationship with another man is what the end of her relationship will look like with you, too.

Chase

 

[sunny2015]

Thanks for replying Chase.

NEW UPDATE

I did more or less the same diagnostic on Friday and I decided to tell her I had spent very beautiful time with her and that I really care for her, that I was feeling something special towards her and I totally understood that she was fine with her boyfriend and was a nightmare to hang out with me. She texted me saying she was very glad to hear that from me and thanks.

On Saturday I ran into her and I managed to be alone again. She told me that it was better to quit so I finally accepted in a calm way.She was very nervous so we hug and she tried to kiss my lips, I realized that I had another opportunity to escalate fast and go for sex again, but I stopped myself thinking that it was going to be another long path to get stuck in the same point in a week. So I told her goodbye (as she had asked 10minutes before to do) and left while she was caressing my hand.

She texted me saying that she hope I was fine and I texted back in a romantic way, saying that I will miss her a lot and that I really loved her, but that she asked me to quit and that I respect her needs (Perhaps I said it in too many text lines). Maybe a little bit needy knowing that she didn´t respond me yet.

Answering to your second paragraph Chase, yes, could be, because 4 month ago she told me that we were going nowhere because she had cheated on her bf and she sees me in girls abundance.

And talking about your last point; yes, you are right, she has been seeing another man before me while she was with the same boyfriend.

is that's all? Who knows.

Thanks for reading.

Sunny

 

[Chase]

Ah! This is the missing clue:

And talking about your last point; yes, you are right, she has been seeing another man before me while she was with the same boyfriend.

You will sometimes meet these girls who have a nice guy / provider boyfriend or husband whom they stick by with. The guy seems boring, and clearly doesn't do it for her, and you may wonder why she stays with him. She usually has a much more dynamic life than he does, while he mostly just goes to work and stays at home.

Yet, she won't leave him. She'll have a fling with you, but that's all she'll ever let it be. She does it with other guys too.

Eventually if you really get them talking honestly about it you'll find out that these girls feel a sense of loyalty or obligation to the man - not sexual loyalty, but emotional loyalty. When they grow old, they want to be with him, because he's reliable and supportive. When they have a child, they'd rather he father it. Etc.

The ones I've interacted with tend to be mostly-rational women, who trust the guys they have flings with and all the sweet promises those men make about as far as they can throw them. Every guy is certain he wants to hang around while his hormones are raging, she knows, but those emotions don't always continue on once the novelty has worn off, the conquest is his, and the excitement has faded from memory.

So, she prefers to stick with her boring, reliable guy most of the time, and just get her thrills with other men. However, the moment those men start getting too attached, she pulls herself back, because she doesn't want to get caught up in an emotional affair with them - only a sexual one.

I'd say if she's serially straying from her man with one lover after another but refusing emotional intimacy with those lovers, while neither bashing her man nor justifying her desire to stay with him, she's probably this type. Not much you can do with a woman like this other than enjoy the time together with her, and let her get back to her man once it's over.

Chase

 

[sunny2015]

I don't agree. Because I had always resistance to get laid so she wasn´t looking only for sex, validation perhaps?
And when I got emotional it was easier for me to get laid and push her. Maybe she doesn´t want to develop any kind of feeling towards me?

Another tip: When we quit she told me that I was free to date any other girl and that it was a good news for me ¿?

Sunny

 

[sunny2015]

I rethink about the situation and knowing that there are a lot of greys between black a white, the main reason could be what you are talking about in your last post. Anyway, I think the best option for me is to forget her (I really liked her), but I'll keep you updated only to try to find out the truth.

Sunny

 

[sunny2015]

My Last thoughts

I missed the escalation window she offered me when we hug and she tried to kiss me. I was too emotional to think right.

The drawback is that I had an opportunity to restore things for a while and have sex again and the good side of this is, as Chase suspected, I was going to reach the same point again in a few weeks and continue destroying my patience and ego.

I think that I screwed it up sending that long text, it was written in a positive way but too emotional and finishing things.She texted me back taking care of me

My next step, if nobody tells me the opposite will be to be polite and keep her as a friend.

Anyway, a very hard and interesting relationship, very difficult to deal and actually I can't figure out yet what would be the best way to handle it.

What I've learned:

- FlipFlop relationships hurts you too much. Better to avoid them, sometimes we can't .
- This kind of girls are very unstable and destabilizes you as well. She was very insecure, selfish and when she wasn´t emotional very cold.
- it's imposible to detect it and you keep trying to figure out what is happening until her true colors are showing.
- Even if you are her boyfriend prepare yourself to be cheated on the rest of your life.
- Are so intense and difficult that keeps you wanting more but the harsh truth is that is a very good way to waste your time.
- You must be Chase or Franco to keep the relationship in the right direction.
- Believe it or not, but I enjoyed the experience.

Thanks to all for reading

That's all unless she begins chasing me

In spite of what I've just written it's obvious that I'm still in love

Sunny

 

[sunny2015]

FINAL UPDATE

Hi guys!

I met her again and when she was telling me to break up definitely I escalated fast, kiss her, she kissed me back but no sex, because we were in an inadequate place for that. She got very emotional talking about her life, she even cried, and we finally left after kissing again.

Sadly, one week later when we met again she told me she couldn't continue this way and that she was completely sure this time to break up forever.

Next day she texted me she was going to miss me a lot, I didn't text back and yesterday she texted again asking me if I am well.

Should I respond?


Sunny

 

[sunny2015]

Thx Drexel,

I think I did well at first, but as she was refusing my invitations it became easier to get laid if I was more romantic with her. And it worked, but probably I did a big mistake.

Now, I´m nexting her and she is chasing me (texting), but I think it is because she wants to end up this relationship being friends because we have a lot of friends in common.It's quite difficult to avoid her not being a dick.I'm trying.

Sunny

 

[Drck]

She doesn't have what she she feels she deserves. She's got a guy and he is a provider (as written above). She is not in love with him but he is good enough as a BF. So she is looking around for some excitement - you and possibly other guys. At the same time she feels guilty for cheating but she likes you, so that's why the on/off with you.

She is looking for a guy who can give her 80% satisfaction. Her BF gives her 50%. You give her say 50-60%. She won't change you for her BF unless you give her at least 75%, but again - there is no guarantee that once you are her BF she will no do exactly the same to you with another guy(s) because you IMO won't be able to keep 75%. In my opinion she will cheat again, and you will end up in messy relationship, hurt...

Unless you just want a fuck buddy, I'd let her go. She is not a dating material no matter how sweet she is...

 

[sunny2015]

Yes Drk, I´d like to be his lover and I don't pretend to be his BF. Right now she is angry with me and she is texting me about my behaviour because i'm ignoring her. At first she texted me saying that she only would contact me again when I was ready to talk to her again, but I didn't respond her, so next day she was texting again very angry.

She wants to talk to me in person to keep me as a friend (I guess) but I don`t feel like I want it. Meanwhile I set up a date with another girl next week. Thanks for the advice.

Sunny

 

[sunny2015]

When I wrote "His" I wanted to say "Her"

 

[Drck]

She is chasing you now, which is relatively good. It seems that before she felt that she's got upper hand, but now because you are not responding, she is loosing control. That is why she got angry.

IMO, if she wanted to dump you she wouldn't want to talk to you in person, she would simply stop responding, stop texting, answering.... Which means that she is still unsure, and given that she is in chasing mode, you can still have decent fun. But what is possible is, that she may want to see you in person and become quite emotional. Drama, blaming, making you feel sorry and so on. If you see her and she throws drama at you, make sure you are nonreactive, cold. Shrug shoulders, be ready to walk away with smile at your face. But you can still have good fun as a lover.

Another possibility is, that she really wants to dump you, but at the same time she feels that you've already dumped her. So she may just want vengeance, show you that you are useless. Here is where you have to be quite careful because she may seem very nice at first, she may make it seem that she really wants you, but then, once you loosen up and start feeling good, she will truly dump you. For example, she may tell you that she's got a new BF, who is (of course) much better than you in some way, such as job, popularity or whatever. I don't know why some girls do it, I guess they need to prove themselves that they are still in charge and have the upper hand. Again, make sure that you don't react to it, remain cold and ready to walk away, perhaps even laugh at her face.

Those are of course the bad scenarios, the good one could be that she truly wants to be with you.

And if you are going to see other girl(s), good for you, good luck

 

[sunny2015]

I think that there could be a third option, she wants to be my friend to keep me around her just in case.

Last night(friday) I finally agree to see each other this saturday morning only to know what she wanted to tell me, but 2 hours before the date I decided to cancel it (apologizing). She got inusually angry with me and texted me that she wants not to see me anymore I replied in a very calm way saying that we can set another date next week and she responded that ok.

Before lunch she has phoned me I've picked up the phone and she has begun asking me to keep friends, I've politely told her that we'll talk about it next week and hang up.We'll see.

Sunny

 

[sunny2015]

So, what happened?

I finally met her last saturday morning and as Drk thought she created a litlle bit of drama, but nothing important. The conversation lasted less than 10 minutes.I told her that it was better not to see each other until a cool off period, because I still had feelings towards her and probably after that time we could become friends again, then I left. She texted me forty minutes later saying that she missed me a lot, I didn't reply, so in less than two hours she got very angry and texted me she doesn't want to see me anymore. No answer.

On sunday she texted again telling if I was ok, and that she had been crying last night. We met in the evening and while I was repeating the same things I told her the day before I escalated and we kissed (I didn't expect to do that). She told me that she was missing me a lot and that I was being too tough.She had got to go so we end up kissing and hugging, no sex.

So after fifteen days she broke up with me, now it seems that I got her back. I say "it seems" because I didn't sleep with her yet in this new stage.

Now, I should think about next step not to mess up things again.

Sunny

 

[sunny2015]

Hi!!

As all of you recommended me I nexted her and it worked. But in less than a month I returned to the previous situation, I mean, her avoiding to hang out sometimes and hanging out other times.

Before christmas I decided to break up (I didn't do it before) and next her again and I didn't contact her during the next month (she didn't either, she usually did during my nexting periods).

We saw each other on the weekend after that period, as usual (after christmas), and we only say hello. I think I behave like a jerk but I didn't know how to act. One week later we hang out to solve this unconfortable situation and she told me she was very angry with me since that day, but that she was ok right now and that she didn't care about me. That she only wanted to be my friend so I accepted.

Anyway, I nexted her and after 6 days she texted me asking is everything was ok and if we were still friends because I was too cold to her, and I answered yes, that everything was ok.

We met last weekend (with common friends as always) and I didn't pay her much attention. I think she is, since then, mirroring me, I mean, if I don't talk to her then she doesn't talk to me.

And on sunday, I realized that she blocked me on whatsapp. I can´t understand why, I seldom start a conversation through whatsapp and she knows she is going to see me next saturday, so

is she trying to get my attention?
Or she is autorejecting very hard and try to forget me forever?
it's a good idea to restart the contact only to test or It's all over and is better to move on?



thanks for your patience

 

[sunny2015]

Update to the last post.

She texted me a lot of crap (I'm not going to see her until saturday morning). But the main idea around it was that she hoped that we could stay friends and I lied her when I agreed. I guess she is treating me like the friend she wants me to be but in exchange I'm acting too aloof in her opinion.I wonder how women think a man can just flip a switch like that so easily.

Now she is angry and vengeful.She has told me to take a decision about it right now allowing her to make her own decisions.Honestly I don't know what to respond and how to behave. Perhaps the better answer is not to respond at all and keep aloof.


PS: Obviously it's over and I don't want to get her back. I hope you enjoyed the full story. Now I'm trying to learn from it.

Thanks for reading,

Sunny