Should i dump my girlfriend

[Dylweed]

I met my girlfriend 5 months ago and we've been monogamous for 3 months. She's 20 and im 24. She chased after me for a relationship and shes made it clear how much she likes me.

Then on Thanksgiving we were texting a little and then later i get this text from her, this is how the conversation went

Her: I need a hug please
Me: Okay cool im really good at those
Her: Something happened and i don't know how to feel and i just want a hug. And i don't know what to do and i feel bad and i don't know. Things are crazy right now.
Me: Did you spill a cup of water again?
Her: I wish that was it...
Me: Well what was is? lol
Her: You remember that guy I told you about who got mad in the middle of having sex? (a guy she hung out with a handful of times before we met, their first night having sex he got tired and took a break and then she started putting her clothes on and he got mad at her and then they got in an argument and never saw each other again.
Me: Yeah
Her: So at the beginning of the school year I sent him this really long fb mesage apologizing for what happened between him and I etc. And he just got it today and responded. My brain is just like lejhfidokanrj" right now. (in my mind im like why is she telling me this? And i even got teary eyed for a few seconds because i realize she must care more about him than me, which is a total shock.)
Me: Why's that?
Her: Idk. It's just weird.
Me: What he say?
Her: He said it's not my fault, it was his and he feels really bad about what happened. (I couldn't believe this is what she was so upset about. Like she shouldn't even care when she has me who she tells me how much she likes me all the time. I felt very disrespected and didn't even feel her texts deserved any attention so i stopped responding.)
Her: (15 minutes later) Dyl Billy?
Me: lol what?
Her: You didn't respond. I was anxious.
Me: I don't know what to say
Her: Ok. Are you thinking anything?
Me: I guess im like u now and i dont even know what to think
Her: Okay
Her: Are you mad?
Me: I was at first but i don't know the whole story (I felt talking about this over text was stupid)
Her: Why were you?
Me: Cuz youre super upset like something really bad happened but from what you told me it just sounds like you still got crazy feelings for this guy and then you come to me to try to comfort your regret, seems odd that you even messaged him in the first place
Her: I messaged him before you and I started dating. But yeah. I came to you because i do have feelings for him still. I'm not going to lie to you. That would just make things worse. I felt like i needed to tell you because I don't want to hide things. So maybe youre right to be mad.

I couldn't believe this and i didn't know how to respond so i just didn't. Then an hour later she asked what was going on and i told her i didn't want to talk about this in a text. We havent seen each other yet and have barely texted. I don't know what to do. Should i dump her?

 

[BarryS1]

I did a little digging and found a previous thread. The girl was upset you tried to escalate when she wasn’t feeling the mood, bringing other girls into the conversation, and sending a break-up text message. That definitely fits into the cold/insensitive catalyst causing relationship drama. Like Franco said, when a girl is acting aloof, address the concern right away. Already I see a problem that her emotional needs are not being satisfied.

She has feeling for this guy because she’s loosing attraction based on what happened earlier. She probably did forget him, but her mind drifted back after experiencing a lack of her emotional needs being filled.

It doesn’t matter if the girl is in college or not, if she’s in love with you, she will swipe them away. I have a gf the same age and gone through similar experiences like her not having sex when acting moody and getting messaged by guys/orbiters in her past.

I remember Franco giving advice and asking a girl this question when she tries to trust shit-test you:

“Should I be worried?"

In this case, she IS telling you to be worried. If you stayed with her, there’s a chance that she may see him again.

On the plus side, thank god she has the conscience to tell you.

 

[Dylweed]

Thanks guys, yeah its over. The day i made this thread she messaged me saying it was unfair to me. I was crushed, i could feel she was going to break up with me so i did it first myself by saying i agreed and it wasn't what I thought it was and that it was over. She just felt sorry for me but could tell she didn't care about losing me. It hurt real bad and shocked me. She said bye. Then she told me i was great and that she always had fun with me. I asked if she was gonna hang out with him and she said she was thinking about it. She apologized for ruining everything saying she should have never responded to his message. I told her to hang out with him or do whatever she needed to do to get her head straight and I wished her good luck and i meant it. She asked why i was being so nice to her and i told her because getting angry wouldn't help me and that i really wanted the best for her. She told me i was a great guy.

Then i fucked up, i thought about it all night and then the next day i messaged her out of nowhere telling her that if she really thought i was great and fun that she wouldn't be doing this. She told me i was great. I told her she wouldn't be doing this then and after me pressing her more she asked if i wanted reasons. She said i have 2 low paying jobs with low motivation. I know she didn't always feel this way about this though, she was just trying to rationalize her decision. Then i ended it nicely again but then today i messaged her again an evil message saying "good luck with this guy because he's rediculous if he knows that you just ditched your boyfriend that you claimed to care about for him in an instant"

she responded saying how i dare accuse her of not caring for me, that she really fucking cared for me, but she was not wishing me back. She was saying she just didn't know what to do. After a few more texts i lost it, i broke down like a little bitch. I told her if she really wanted me she wouldnt be talking to another guy and that she would know what to do without any doubt and i told her how much it hurt knowing that a girl like her who seemed to care for me so much could do this. I told her i didn't even want her and that i was disgusted and that i was about to cry at work.

She responded with a huge long text saying the week before she about to tell me she loved me but waited to not scare me and to make sure she was. That this really hurts her and that she was crying and super sorry for ruining every fucking thing that we ever had. Reading her message i was full out crying like a baby, first time ive done that in probably 10 years. Like an idiot i thought she now wanted to be with me and asked for her back but she kept saying she didnt know and needed time. She kept trying to make me feel guilty for pressuring her to decide. Finally i asked if she was in or out and she said she couldn't decide that now so i said "okay bye". She responded with "K. Its not like i had any other plans tonight besides crying in my bed. Bye"

I should have just stopped texting her after i genuinly wished her luck with her guy. The more i delt with her the worse i started to feel. Im definitely cutting contact at this point. Tonight i really got to a real low. Started doubting i could ever keep a girl happy in a relationship. However after watching some rsd break up vids im feeling much better. This was my first real girlfriend and first real hard breakup.

 

[Dylweed]

hope you feel better bud. Take a few weeks off, and don't feel ashamed to feel sad. Now is a great time to leverage your discomfort by getting in the gym hard or getting your mind on money.

Cheers,
Radeng

Yeah i definitely have been sad, it feels so weird to be crying cuz i dont do this. At least now i can relate with people about being sad after a breakup since this is my first real one myself.

And hell yeah thanks man! Great ideas man, im about to head to the gym real soon. And yeah ive been thinking of changing my whole career plan.

 

[Charlie]

That sucks man. As others have said just focus on improving yourself, and when you're ready get out there and meet lots of new women. You'll soon realise how many other options you have. Good luck!

 

[Dylweed]

This shit is old as hell by now but here's an update. I really miss her and she's been texting me telling me that she was suicidal and i responded to her because i was honestly afraid she was going to do it. Saying shit like she wants to kill herself but she doesn't want people to find her body. Saying she can't stand her apartment and sharing a room anymore. I didn't want to ignore her because i didn't want her to do it. Then the conversation got to a better mood and we were joking about her moving into my spare bedroom. I said it'd be weird because id invite girls over and she'd invite guys over. Then she said or we just dont invite over anyone, and then i said and we fuck each other because we're horny. She said yes. It was so weird, i got real horny tho and tried setting up a time for us to hang out because i really wanna fuck her again and it'd be cool if we could just be fuck buddy's even though i dont think she'd go for that.

She said she had to wait because she was still depressed. I didn't think too much about it. Then she messaged me the day i did want to chill, after 3 days of no contact, she was saying she shouldve came over because she misses how i make her feel. So i said next week but she said she was still scared to see me because she doesn't want to be with someone who doesnt know what theyre going to do with their life or really doesn't care if they do anything. I just said okay and that was it. Then today she began texting me random shit as if we were still together. I teased her for a while and then asked her why she was texting me.

Her: Because i like to talk to you?
Me: Okay I thought so, and i like talking to you too, but not if its only through texts
Her: Okay but how is it supposed to not be texts if youre working and im not in madison anyway? Can't be phone and cant be in person
Me: Okay so u want to be friends?
Her: I dunno. I don't know if i can just be friends
Me: Yeah I don't know if i could either, thatd probly be weird, cuz id want more than just that, but u also said that youre too scared to hang out with me
Her: I'm afraid because I know I want more but i don't know if i should go after it because i don't know if it can be something good for me
Me: I get that, so no offense but it seems pointless to be texting u right now, we both dont want to be only friends but we're not right for a relationship
Her: Fine whatever, you clearly don't want me enough to try.
Me: I'm scared to try, I was crushed last time it ended and if it ended once it'll probly happen again
Her: But maybe next time we'll come to terms with it ending. Obviously neither of us have with this

then a little later after some more texts

Her: Okay, but you also know i can't be with you if you don't end up doing something with your life

I started to tell her i have plans but i felt kinda stupid trying to prove myself to her.

Would you guys take her back? I can't tell if she even wants me or if she's just afraid to let go. But even if i could get her back right now, should i? Does she deserve a 2nd chance? After telling me that she still had feelings for a different guy from her past and missed him and after her telling me im not doing enough in my life for her.

I definitely miss her but when i put it like that it seems like im definitely crazy to give her a 2nd chance. But then theres times where i feel like if we got back together that itd be even better than before because we realized how much we like each other. Not sure what to do here.

 

[ray_zorse]

NO. Bottom line: She's a time waster. Wants your time, attention and validation. Does not want to attend to your needs. Also, lost attraction for you, for whatever reason. So what remains for her is this mushy sentimental bullshit about the relationship you USED to have, plus your friend value and some small residual amount of boyfriend value (but even that's in danger since she clearly does not respect your choices in how you spend your time, and nor does she see you as having provider value). No lover value, since if you had that she'd be plotting and planning how to get you in bed while making it appear to be your idea, and pestering you for r/ship.

Delete number, ignore. The suicide thing is manipulative bullshit. I remember I had a girlfriend who threatened suicide once or twice. I pretended not to care "I see... well, if you kill yourself it's not my problem". Pretty much solved the issue.

Ray

 

[Bboy100]

I don't think she's manipulative in any way. I think she actually does miss you. Having said that, you definitely should NOT take her back. I have no experience in this area of life, but the way I understand it (and have seen with friends), is that in situations like this, you'll get back together and all will be well for a good two weeks. After that, you'll get comfortable with each other again and she's likely to revert to old destructive habits.

Also...she just said she's suicidal! Either this chick has serious mental issues, or she's trying to manipulate you into taking her back (still a form of emotional immaturity). No matter what the case, she clearly makes for a poor relationship candidate. And it doesn't sound like you guys could be FWB without it getting messy. Cut her out and go find someone better.

Just read over her texts one more time. Then as yourself...if you didn't know her, how would you react? ...That's probably the rational side of you speaking. Any ideas about getting back together with her are probably purely emotional and will not benefit you in the long term.

 

[Dylweed]

Thanks a lot guys, i really appreciate it. I can't even believe ive dealt with her shit for this long already. Im kind of embarassed. Its just hard for me to let good friends go. It's crazy how you can care for someone so much and want them back even though you logically know that its a bad idea. I'm so glad to finally end this shit and completely cut contact with her forever, thanks guys!

 

[Franco]

Dylweed,

As much as you might care for her, any girl even mentioning the word "suicide" you should probably stay away from. That's one of the biggest red flags out there as no "sane" girl would ever consider the option, nor would a sane girl consider the option to use it as a tool to get your attention or control you.

I would just wish her the best and let her know it would be better for both of you if you stay out of contact with one another -- I wouldn't even attempt to be friends or respond to further messages from her. It's up to you if you choose to respond to her, but I can already tell that you would just be preventing yourself from meeting much more healthier-minded women.

NOTE: If this girl WERE to ever commit suicide, just know ahead of time that it really had little to do with you and more to do with her; I wouldn't want you looking back and thinking that you made a mistake or that you could have done something to prevent it.

- Franco

 

[Dylweed]

Thanks again guys, this is how it went

when i woke up i had a text from her that said "Okay what are you going to do to get there?" (Talking about my career)

Me: I'm going to figure it out and do what i wanat but this relationship is not gonna work, we need to move on, there were definitely great times while it lasted and good lessons to be learned, thank you
Her: I actually really want to be with you. But youre done. So this sucks.
Me: Good luck
Her: I can't believe this
Me: Part of me still wants to be with you but thats my emotions and i know logically when i think about everything that happened that of course im making the right decision.
Her: I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I thought we were going to work this out. Clearly i was wrong. So fucking wrong.
ME: Sarah, I really like you, and i really wish you the best, but we both need to move on, just letting u know I can't respond anymore.
Her: Wow. I must be a fucking idiot to think you'd ever love me. Bye.

That was a few hours ago. A lot of people told me i need to leave her including you guys, i guess i still have doubts if i made the right choice. This girl was a good girl, besides doubting the relationship out of nowhere when her ex messaged her and telling me she still has feelings for him and that she needed a break and also claiming suicide (She did try to kill herself and failed when she was 15, thought she was over that) But she was smart and she was honest and she wasn't flakey, she was super affectionate. She wouldn't even kiss me till the third time we hung out even after i tried so many times and then that night we fucked, and then she really tried to tie me down to exclusive. But that just shows in my opinion that she's a good girl and that she is strong and wont easily bend to other guys frames. She likes me but i haven't showed her i have enough motivation which is definitely true at times. Im working two shitty paying jobs but im reading books to help me get ideas on what i want to do but i still haven't figured it out yet. She also has rich parents, each make over 100 grand year, so she has big expectations probably.

I guess im just afraid that i wont find a better girl and that we were really were good for each other and that every relationship has troubles but they just need to be worked out. However this is my first real relationship so i really dont know. Maybe im just insane right now because of my emotions and im not thinking rationally and you guys will think im crazy lol

 

[Bete Noire]

Dylweed,

The fact that you're on Girlschase means you will for sure improve the calibre of girls you are attracting! Breakups suck the biggest volume of dick but this will only make you better prepared for drama in the future

This is the holy grail of an article and It might help with a more speedy recovery:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/absolute-abundance

Good luck,

Rob

 

[Dylweed]

Thanks Rob, I read it. And i agree. Gotta remember that theres millions of other girls out there. Also im feeling better about it all again too, glad to not deal with her bullshit anymore. Just texting her and having to end it was hard because it brought back those emotions of me wanting her back but im so glad to not have to talk to her again.