Should I take this rejection at face value?

[Fluxcapacitor]

I have been meaning to ask the girl from my martial arts class out again because I believe she’s still very much interested and just nervous and slightly awkward about it. The past couple weeks I have had signs of compliance an investment, knowing you should ask girls out on a high point we had a natural high point last night and so I asked her out.

This was a slightly un calibrated move, she came over and hugged me to say bye. The hug lasted a little longer than typical and we stayed a little embraced while we talked a bit. As I went to ask she went to walk away to her friend because they were both going, so I called her back and she turned round and walked back to me.

Me: Lets go for those drinks this week
Her: No *goes kind of embarrassed and sheepish *
Me: Why not? –went to follow up was interrupted
(This was a shit reaction from me because I didn’t expect such a straight up no, but I kept in a light hearted playful tone)
Her: No I can’t
Me: It’ll be fun (my intended follow up)
Her: No I can’t (walks away)am sorry

Is it worth asking again or should I accept this no? I just have a feeling this unreceptiveness was her version of a guy's non approach and I shouldn't take it at face value. Thoughts dudes?

**apparently when the instructor named me as her partner for a drill she looked at him and mouthed "why?" So she's still awkward about it. Wish I knew that before I asked her out!

 

[NewBeeWinner]

Fluxcapacitor,

What signs does this girl show that she is interested in you?

On the point of the high note, it has generally been my experience that asking a girl out as she is leaving or right before she leaves is just bad timing. Instead, as you said, it should be on a high note in conversation. For instance:

"Omg! I love going hiking! I have been on all the trails in town and like to hike in the mountains on the weekends"

"Oh no way! I love hiking too! Have you been to so-and-so?"

"Yes I have"

"Oh great - then I bet you haven't come across this hidden spot that I found there! Let's go check it out sometime. Hows your schedule look this week?"

(notice also I match her energy levels and I show that I also like hiking - even if I dont *which I do!*)

See how much more natural that is?

In your case, I would say she is interested because you got her to turn around and walk back to you when you called for her. However, you also forgot to remember that girls value their social standing. So in addition to bad timing, you left her on the spot with asking her out for drinks in front of her friend. She probably didn't like that, though she wanted to say yes (which is why she was sheepish). You would've been better asking her when it was one-on-one.

You then fell into the noncompliance trap with her saying no 3 consecutive times. It's like a yes-ladder (good to read up on if you haven't heard of it), but the opposite in that it causes her to be less compliant and resist your leading. You persisted (which is good!), but did it when she didn't comply. So it caused her to be more firm about her no. Instead of asking "why not?" (which also seems needy!) you could've redirected or made another suggestion ("you're right, drinks are overrated. Is there anything you'd like to do this weekend?)

At least at this point, it's likely she'd say "I'll get back to you and let you know" (her being mindful of her friend). Now you have a setup where you can contact her ("Hey! Just following up to see how your schedule is this weekend? Let's grab that bite/drink") and it be much more natural. She could also suggest something you could do or maybe she'd say "I can't I'm busy this weekend I'm sorry." then you'd say "OK - another time" then start again next time.

For what actually happened, give her space, rebuild rapport and compliance, and ask out again.

Hopefully this helps

NBW

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

NBW dude! Thanks for the reply it helps, a few of the things ya highlighted was me making the best of a bad enviroment but still mistakes on my part!

Signs of interest are really little but they always have been even before we hooked up. If she's sitting down she stands up if I talk to her, if I'm sitting down she'll sit down to talk to me. Quickly turns and gives me her full attention and will move with me any time a ask.

I know the high note ask was bad timing especially as she's leaving but we only get chance to talk at the beginning and end of the class and if she rejects at the beginning it could make the class awkward. Ya example is a lot more natural and is more my typical approach but we usually mostly talk when she's about to leave.

I know I put her on the spot but her friend was at the other side of the hall an we were out of hearing range for everyone else. It was as close to one on one I could get. We basically have one big hall, toilets and a storage room. Other than instructors only myself and two other fighters have access to the storage room, I could take her in to seclude but that would get attention...

I fell hard into a noncompliance trap but the "no I can't" didn't answer my question of why not (which was cringey, needy and totally uncalibrated and just happened). It was an autopilot follow up I think she'd have hit that line whatever I followed up with. I still should have been smoother! Thanks for the suggestions dude!

I'll build up rapport and compliance and try again! Any suggestions for working the environment? It's not an ideal setting really. Thanks dude!

 

[NewBeeWinner]

Fluxcapacitor,

Gotcha. In that case, Id tell her at the beginning that you want to talk with her for a minute after class then after class open straight into asking her out for drinks. This is a warm approach (she knows it is coming) compared to a cold approach where she doesnt.

With her friend then, Id ask her to step a bit further away with you when you stop her. Even if its just a few steps back wirh you, it gives her more security that only you two can hear each other.

With working the environment, being creative and using what you have avalible is key. Work on empathizing with her situations and perception of things (something I am just now learning how to do). This will help that creativity and make her want to be around you even more (theres a couple good GC articles on this).

Also learn the environment and how things work. But dont let your environment dictate your results. The environment does have a huge impact on her response but you have to learn to adapt (something I am also just now learning too).

NBW

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

NBW dude! Thanks for ya reply I went and checked out some of the articles on empathy before replying. I think it will help in the situation I'm just finding it difficult in my mind to see how I'd go about doing it. I'm not exactly sure what the objection is to address and emphasise with it to let her know I understand. Any thoughts?

I thought about setting it up for a warm approach but thought it builds it up to something more than what it is. It kinda puts pressure on the situation, could play on her mind throughout the class and even create too much tension that she just ejects at the end without even talking to me. Maybe I over thought this?

The environment is shit so I'm looking to adapt, what I noticed is she always came over to where I am to say bye. So for the ask I stood further back than usual and towards the corner out the way from others in the class. If I went over to where I keep my stuff could possibly be a little more secluded. Any advice? Thanks dude!

 

[NewBeeWinner]

Fluxcapacitor,

I can't say as I don't know the details of your interactions with her. If you do what we talked about though and let's say she rejects or blows you off again, but this time she brings up a reason - that's when you would use empathy. I used it in that exact situation recently and it worked great! It keeps you cool, but also shows her that you understand her situation - you don't freak out about it.

For the building up pressure question, it all depends on how you act and word things. Don't say "Hey I have something to talk to you about after class" - this sounds serious and does put a ton of pressure on her. Instead, keep it casual and give her something to satisfy her logical side until you talk to her, something like, "Hey so-and-so, I'd like to catch up with you for a second after class - mind if we chat for a bit? It's nothing too serious." Say it casually and relaxed. She's much more likely to say "Sure!" and not worry about it that way.

From what I've experienced, what you say and what you do both matter in seduction - you don't always have to mean what you say, but you better back it up with action!

Sounds like a good plan to me. Don't overthink things - you're just asking her out for drinks!

NBW