Skipping over rapport

mella

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 7, 2022
Messages
32
Hey guys I think I am making a little mistake in my attempts to build rapport with people I meet when I'm out (day time I mean). I come up, and I'm not afraid or anything, but what I do is start getting a bit too deep too early. I say things about me or stories about me that are too personal. And they go along with it, but in a very awkward air, as though the conversation has skipped over a needed transition. They're like "ok", but have this sort of attitude like "I don't get why you are saying this". They don't mind hearing what I say but it's kind of out of place, you know? It seems to me like I am being too deep or too up-front with people whom I haven't built enough rapport with yet. So I would like to ask your guys advice on how exactly I am thinking wrong, and what I should do instead. What should I do to smooth this transition from total stranger to a guy who they'd like to listen to?
 

StrayDog

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Feb 23, 2022
Messages
656
Can you outline how you are approaching, opening, what kind of conversations you are having, and so on. Some more detailed info could help in assessing what exactly is happening that's causing this sort of snag and where an improvement can be made. Sounds like you are at least opening in a way that generates a bit of conversation though. So that's good.
 

mella

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 7, 2022
Messages
32
Can you outline how you are approaching, opening, what kind of conversations you are having, and so on. Some more detailed info could help in assessing what exactly is happening that's causing this sort of snag and where an improvement can be made. Sounds like you are at least opening in a way that generates a bit of conversation though. So that's good.
From what I can remember, here's one example:
We are looking at a t-shirt that says "new york"
I: Hey, have you ever been to new york?
Her: Yeah, it was fun (or words to that effect)
I: I haven't been there since 2008. I went there for a wedding. Man, I haven't been to a wedding in a long time.
Her: (silence)
 

StrayDog

Modern Human
Modern Human
Joined
Feb 23, 2022
Messages
656
Think of conversation like a game of tennis (minus the competitive aspect) you are aiming to volley the ball (read talking points) back and forth. In the scenario you described you tossed her a talking point (new York) She responded to that point and tossed something related back (visting new was fun) then instead of using the momentum of what she tossed to you and throwing something related back you went and got the ball in a totally different direction. It landed somewhere off the court. Here is one scenario where the new York conversation is successful in gaining momentum.

You: you ever been to new york
Her: totally, it was such fun
You: sounds like it. What were you doing there?
Her: visiting my bestie
You: I bet you all had a blast. What was the best thing you got up to?
Her: Definitely the MoMA. So many amazing paintings
You: ah an art fan! I like that. That's one of the best parts about new York, so much creativity, history, culture. Were there any paintings that really stood out to you?

Notice how each point you make in the conversation is a response to and elaboration what she tosses your way. In this way conversation is really an art of listening. Pay attention to what she says. Reflect back with your words what is revealed, but reflect it back at just a slightly different angle so that the conversation has movement.

When you brought up the wedding right after she mentioned she had fun in new York, you failed to reflect back what she revealed and instead just reflected back an unrelated piece of your self ( I went to a wedding there in 2008). It killed the momentum. She's probably thinking something like "okay and what does any of that have to do with me"

Some things that help with this are asking more questions. Especially questions aiming at learning more about who really is, how she sees the world, what compels here about this thing or that thing. Also making obvsersations about what she is saying "sounds like you are definitely a creative person."
When you do relate things she says back to yourself make it relevant to what she just said and then relate it back to her. For example
Her: they had a Rothko painting on display it was wild seeing it in person.
You: oh yeah there is nothing like seeing a painting in person. I remember seeing a Picaso at MoMA. The light, the brush strokes, the color. I was blown away. So what was it like seeing that Rothko? What did you like most about it?

You see how in this scenario when you are talking about yourself and your experiences you are making it relevant to her. Now bare in mind that this is just one scenario that I laid out. You might not know much about art, so when she brings it up you might not know what to say. That's part of conversation though. Searching for areas where you both really relate and building from there. The thing is though, when you are reading between the lines a bit and looking for more universal aspects of what she is conveying you will find that people have more in common then it may seem. And again, asking questions is key. Especially when you don't know much on the subject she is speaking on. If they are questions that aim for her motivations you are golden . She went to MoMa and saw a Rothko. You know nothing about Rothko. You could ask an impersonal question about Rothko (which could actually be helpful to gather more info) or you can ask something personal like "what inspires you most about his paintings?"
 
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