So "social life" outside of dating sucks after college, and that's okay!

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

So this Friday I am going to be officially be in NYC but something really dawned on me.

A couple days ago, I took a match from Bumble back to my place although I once again could not get hard so I just ate her out and she had an orgasm. It just dawned on me on me that I have decent career prospects, get matches on dating apps and can get laid once a month through those alone, good looks I might not be aware of and maybe that's it.

One story that is common with a lot of dudes on this board, or a decent number including me, is that we never had the big social circles in college, big crews we were a part of, those awesome memories to share with a group of friends, the freshman dorm experience, the Greek Life experience and getting to have that community feel that high school and college provide. After having missed out on it due to commuting to college and going to high school in the sketchy part of town where I just wanted to get out alive, I really wanted that cool crowd of friends or that group I did things with. I never had that and it drove me insane, so insane that I came to this board.

Then I realized something, an epiphany I had recently, its okay.

Most people were not popular frat guys, the campus orientation leader or some big man on campus sort of person. A lot of guys did not have that big circle of friends in life and they got by okay with it.

I realized that I have a job, I am in good health and I can get dates on dating apps and that is good enough.

So what if people after college all get married, get closed off to wanting new friends because they want to stick to their old circles, don't want to expand their social reach and are truly becoming judgmental pricks with age after 22 or 24 or so. Well that's okay, fuck em!

Because perhaps having dates, connecting with women and maybe having friendships with them instead of guys (who are usually envious and crappy people trying to cut you down), and enjoying what you do whether it is writing or photography is indeed enough.

So what if you never belong to a big circle or something bigger than yourself like you did in college, that's okay....

I feel like I have accepted it and really lowered my expectations....

And I am going to be okay.....

 

[Sub-Zero]

I never really seen the big deal with frat life at all. Yeah its cool to always be doing something, having a group to go out with smashing the girls there and the popularity, but to me it never was really appealing on what I had to do to get those things.

I'm also rebellious by nature, so taking orders from people wouldn't work. I also don't like doing what I don't want to, I don't want to do most of those other things they do.

I am curious tho, why didn't you join one while you were in school? At least one where you weren't going to get hazed, like a co-ed one or something? People who usually think about frats a lot get into them very quickly, so I'm curious on why you never tried to join one.

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

It’s not about frat life, it’s about being a part of a big crew in general. As for why I didn’t, I went to college in the south where Greek life is taken very seriously. No decent frat would have given me a bid and I was kind of sol there. Plus I started off at a community college so I went the transfer route. My social life never really materialized in college as hard as I did try.

 

[Hue]

So what if people after college all get married, get closed off to wanting new friends because they want to stick to their old circles, don't want to expand their social reach and are truly becoming judgmental pricks with age after 22 or 24 or so. Well that's okay, fuck em!

Because perhaps having dates, connecting with women and maybe having friendships with them instead of guys (who are usually envious and crappy people trying to cut you down), and enjoying what you do whether it is writing or photography is indeed enough.

So what if you never belong to a big circle or something bigger than yourself like you did in college, that's okay....

I feel like I have accepted it and really lowered my expectations

Great insight Toby. I'm happy that you came to a point of acceptance on what appeared to be your biggest complaint (missing out on / not having a group like this).


I have a decent sized network because I go out all the time and am generally a friendly person who's not afraid to chat up strangers and make connections. I'm constantly expanding in this department because I work for it both passively and directly.

My highschool friends (we were nearly all in Greek life) sorta match this description of a big group of guys you meet up with, get beers, and have a good time with. They (overall) do not like the fact that I'm expanding socially, I've realized.

Most people that you become close with in big circles like this want you to stay where you are. Idk if it's cognitive dissonance, envy, jealousy, unfamiliarity, and/or some sort of insecurity but my experience has been that semi-close people you see regularly do not enjoy seeing you change, even if it's positive for you.

For the individual, positive change is great. It's evolution. Even negative change may eventually teach you something, or may have simply been a biproduct of you improving in some other way. Those that are very, very close with that individual usually also enjoy seeing this evolution because at that point in a friendship it's all love, man.

This is why pursuing personal growth and personal passions will ALWAYS be more satisfying than doing something based on the wants and expectations of others (this is not to say selfish motivation > altruism, I mean effort toward validation and the source of validation).

Now, there's no reason not to make friendships with guys and eventually form some sort of circle where you can all hang out, shoot the shit, and kick back. And you may very well enjoy your time with women more than some of the men you've experienced something akin to these types of friendships... but I certainly wouldn't stop trying entirely or cut people out because as human beings they're prone to envy.

The goal (or rather, my goal) is to surround oneself with as many productive, motivated, positive, and inspiring people as possible not only to learn from them but to provide value to their lives as well. Having a friend group based on honest positivity is a very valuable thing to have that most people never will. It's all about quality > quantity.

And that all begins with the individual becoming a person who focuses on their passions, brings a positive energy, and is capable of bringing value into the lives of the right people.


Happy for ya man, remember these moments of epiphany that were milestones during your journey(s) (=

 

[Indian Race Troll (IRT)]

Ya know Hue,

Its not just the guy heavy social circles, it was those mixed social circles that seemed to have the single cool girls and cool guys in them that I really was curious to be a part of. Seemed like a thing in college, guess it really isn't afterwards.

 

[Hue]

Seemed like a thing in college, guess it really isn't afterwards.

I guess you haven't looked hard enough.

 

[aray808311]

interesting
is social life after college worse for people who had good college experiences or those who didn't? I kind of wonder about that

 

[Franco]

aray,

is social life after college worse for people who had good college experiences or those who didn't? I kind of wonder about that

It has nothing to do with the quality of your college experience and everything to do with the amount of effort you put into making your post-college life a high quality life.

My social life in college was excellent, and my social life post-college has been excellent^2.

Toby,

Glad to hear you are making progress!

Cheers,

Franco