Hey guys, Garrett here.
So if you've read any of my previous posts you'll understand that I'm working to master various aspects of pickup/social skills. One of which is spezzatura.
After religiously studying GC, I've made some dramatic changes to my life, one of them being that I've cut off a lot of friendships I've built up over the years or even just recently this year. Call it extreme, but have you ever taken a look at who you are spending your time with? If you're like me, you were once the guy who was a jester. You would go around, offering value to everyone you came across, but then going beyond by expending more effort/energy into your relationships than would the opposing party. You would have a lot of "friends", which was good, however the cost outweighed the benefits. More specifically, you wouldn't be taken very seriously, and you'd be frustrated because the guys who weren't putting nearly as much effort into the same friendships they had with the same people were getting MORE respect/admiration.
So what I decided first was to become a King, and I noticed significantly different results. People were doing more, inviting me out more, and in return, I'd expend less effort, but still offer them value. Then I realized internally, "These people aren't really offering me anything valuable that is helping me to improve. If anything, they're still getting more out of the relationship, despite the fact that I was acting like a King." I was providing them with value to improve with girls, get better fashion, I know quite a bit about sports, music, video games, giving advice. Not to qualify myself here, but I've unintentionally trained myself to become well-versed and interested in a variety of fields/topics. The thing is, I live in a small town, and of the best people to pick from, these people still don't have anything that is beneficial to offer me (not to sound cocky, but it's sincerely true). Theoretically speaking, they're the type to say "'I'm 300 pounds and if a girl likes me, she'll take me for who I am." It's frustrating and I feel like if you guys were in my shoes, you would feel the same way because not many of these people are as improvement-oriented as you and I are.
Therefore, after I came to this realization, I cut off a large group of them, and kept around a few friends who I generally liked spending time with. The thing is, if you cut off everyone, it's rather extreme, you'll develop a scarcity mentality, and you probably won't be happy. The ideal here is that you meetup with people who make you feel good. You don't have to see them very often, but you should offer them value, and invite them out with you once in a while. Even if they have nothing that is beneficial to offer you, they can still offer value, which is good feelings they provide (in terms of socializing). Humans are social beings, therefore to completely isolate oneself, especially after having friends your whole life, is too much of a jump. There is no reason, in my opinion, to WANT to feel completely isolated, it's too extreme (Balance is key here), but you may feel indifferently.
Leading into my question, whenever people ask me to do stuff, including my family, I am occasionally hesitant about how much value I should be offering. For example when my parents say "Come downstairs, I want to show you something", I'll feel like it's wrong/chasing even though it's my own family. I just feel overly invested when I'm commanded to do things, so it's like a buyers remorse type feeling. Chase said to front load value... how do you do that without being a jester? How would you front load value/be impressive but invest less? Also, I've been ignoring my friends who I had no interest in continuing our friendship with, but with mastering spezzatura, I feel like I'm being a dick sometimes to people. It could be because I was so different before and was your typical nice guy/jester. Now I'm struggling with figuring out approximately how much value should one offer different groups of people. Ex:Random house guests who come to visit, friends, family, and family you see solely on holidays like Christmas.
Is there a simple mantra one can follow? I know balance is key for everything, and before I had a bit of an extremist "black and white" perception of life. Now I'm working towards finding the middle of the spectrum. I've been working on this for a while and have gotten better, and more respect from people, but still aren't getting optimal results consistently. Sometimes I've comeoff as tryhard "Why are you walking like that?" I'm also simply looking for some guidance from those who have mastered the skill, are getting a lot of value, and who are offering less investment in people without being a pompous prick.
Any comments gents?
Garrett
So if you've read any of my previous posts you'll understand that I'm working to master various aspects of pickup/social skills. One of which is spezzatura.
After religiously studying GC, I've made some dramatic changes to my life, one of them being that I've cut off a lot of friendships I've built up over the years or even just recently this year. Call it extreme, but have you ever taken a look at who you are spending your time with? If you're like me, you were once the guy who was a jester. You would go around, offering value to everyone you came across, but then going beyond by expending more effort/energy into your relationships than would the opposing party. You would have a lot of "friends", which was good, however the cost outweighed the benefits. More specifically, you wouldn't be taken very seriously, and you'd be frustrated because the guys who weren't putting nearly as much effort into the same friendships they had with the same people were getting MORE respect/admiration.
So what I decided first was to become a King, and I noticed significantly different results. People were doing more, inviting me out more, and in return, I'd expend less effort, but still offer them value. Then I realized internally, "These people aren't really offering me anything valuable that is helping me to improve. If anything, they're still getting more out of the relationship, despite the fact that I was acting like a King." I was providing them with value to improve with girls, get better fashion, I know quite a bit about sports, music, video games, giving advice. Not to qualify myself here, but I've unintentionally trained myself to become well-versed and interested in a variety of fields/topics. The thing is, I live in a small town, and of the best people to pick from, these people still don't have anything that is beneficial to offer me (not to sound cocky, but it's sincerely true). Theoretically speaking, they're the type to say "'I'm 300 pounds and if a girl likes me, she'll take me for who I am." It's frustrating and I feel like if you guys were in my shoes, you would feel the same way because not many of these people are as improvement-oriented as you and I are.
Therefore, after I came to this realization, I cut off a large group of them, and kept around a few friends who I generally liked spending time with. The thing is, if you cut off everyone, it's rather extreme, you'll develop a scarcity mentality, and you probably won't be happy. The ideal here is that you meetup with people who make you feel good. You don't have to see them very often, but you should offer them value, and invite them out with you once in a while. Even if they have nothing that is beneficial to offer you, they can still offer value, which is good feelings they provide (in terms of socializing). Humans are social beings, therefore to completely isolate oneself, especially after having friends your whole life, is too much of a jump. There is no reason, in my opinion, to WANT to feel completely isolated, it's too extreme (Balance is key here), but you may feel indifferently.
Leading into my question, whenever people ask me to do stuff, including my family, I am occasionally hesitant about how much value I should be offering. For example when my parents say "Come downstairs, I want to show you something", I'll feel like it's wrong/chasing even though it's my own family. I just feel overly invested when I'm commanded to do things, so it's like a buyers remorse type feeling. Chase said to front load value... how do you do that without being a jester? How would you front load value/be impressive but invest less? Also, I've been ignoring my friends who I had no interest in continuing our friendship with, but with mastering spezzatura, I feel like I'm being a dick sometimes to people. It could be because I was so different before and was your typical nice guy/jester. Now I'm struggling with figuring out approximately how much value should one offer different groups of people. Ex:Random house guests who come to visit, friends, family, and family you see solely on holidays like Christmas.
Is there a simple mantra one can follow? I know balance is key for everything, and before I had a bit of an extremist "black and white" perception of life. Now I'm working towards finding the middle of the spectrum. I've been working on this for a while and have gotten better, and more respect from people, but still aren't getting optimal results consistently. Sometimes I've comeoff as tryhard "Why are you walking like that?" I'm also simply looking for some guidance from those who have mastered the skill, are getting a lot of value, and who are offering less investment in people without being a pompous prick.
Any comments gents?
Garrett
