Stuck in Approach Anxiety and Analysis Paralysis

[TheWiseFool]

Hi guys,

My problem is just as the title of the thread states, I am stuck in a state of approach anxiety and analysis paralysis. I know right now that every time I want to approach a girl, I start thinking too much about all the possible consequences: worse case scenarios and best case scenarios. More often than not, this overthinking allows the moment to pass and the girl is gone and I find myself stuck in a state of isolation thinking, "Well, back to square one."

For example, yesterday in my first day in calc class, during the ice breaker, one of the girls in the class mentioned her favorite movies which happened to be what I wrote down. In addition to this she mentioned a couple of other things that I shared in common with her. I didn't get overly excited, the only thing that I mustered up was this grin on my face and grabbing myself a quick glance to see what this girl looked like. The next day, I find that I'm late to class and lo and behold, the seat next to the girl is open! So I am like, "Okay I'm just gonna sit next to her and after class, I'll tell her that her favorite movie is my favorite movie too." Class is going on and I decided to just mirror her at the start to build rapport and then break it to see if she copies me to indicate interest. My theory is correct and after copying her, I can tell she is interested in me cos she is fixing her body up and matching my posture (I lean back, she leans back. I lean forward she decides to lean forward shortly after). At the end of the class, I decided to pack my stuff slowly, because I am in that state of overthinking, nervous, building up the courage to just say the simple thing that I wanted to tell her. And during this time I find that she is just sitting in her seat with her binder and her phone and not really doing anything and everyone in the class is getting up and leaving and I'm just like, "FUCK MAN TALK TO HER!!!!" Ending this long story, my nerves got to me and I opted to say hi to someone I thought I recognized as a friend of mine.

I walk away from tons of these situations and I always feel like shit afterwards. When I understand and remember the rewards of what happens when I take action, but I am just stuck in a state of inaction right now and I don't want this semester to pass until the very end and I take action to talk to a girl, like I did with my first day approach report. It's really debilitating and I am well aware of the negative toll that this unwanted habit is causing on my state of mind and well-being. Theory and practical application are very similar and yet very different at the same time. I'd say I have the theory down well, it's getting myself, my ego, whatever it is inside me, my subconscious to apply what I learn here in the field.

For anyone who has overcome approach anxiety and the habit of analysis paralysis, could you give me some advice? Anything and everything will help.
- The Wise Fool

 

[fsc_old]

I used to have a similar problem--actually, it still comes back from time to time, so I'm not completely over it yet. The issue for me was that I was too worried about how the conversation would turn out. I was deadly afraid of awkward silences and giving the girl boring conversations. On top of that, I also have performance anxiety.

I would often spend a lot of time thinking about the best opener, the best conversation to have, and the best way to transition to a number or instant date close once I spotted a girl. Most of the time the opportunity vanished as I idled in thought, and when the opportunity happened to stay long enough for me to actually open the girl, what actually happened did not align with what I thought and planned out. So I fumbled and actually ended up in awkward silences and boring conversations.

So how did I battle it? By doing it anyway. I was quite scripted in the beginning, and as a result, I've ended up in a good amount of awkward silences and boring conversations. Whatever, I continued anyway. What's the worst that could happen? I wasn't being a total creeper--if anything, I just appeared like an awkward, shy guy. Unexpectedly, most of the girls I've met earlier on when I was still in the developing stages are quite warm to me now despite having been stuck in boring conversations with them in the past. So silences (notice how I removed "awkward" because it's only awkward if YOU feel like it's awkward) and boring conversations don't feel so bad anymore, and I've moved on to try being more situation-dependent and state-dependent.

I still am somewhat scripted. I still spend some time trying to come up with a good situational opener, but I go in with a scripted generic compliment plus "are you single?" opener if I feel like I'm taking too much time. I have yet to open with a simple "what's up?" opener or a "hey girl hey" opener (credits to huttlion), but those are a part of my script. What to say afterwards? I plan on asking what she's up to (cold approaches), or I'd ask her to tell me something interesting about herself (party), or try to come up with something on the fly depending on the situation. I still worry sometimes about how the conversation will turn out, but I try to be playfully curious about how things will turn out instead. If things do go sour, I just bounce out and reflect on how I could have done better.

Whenever an opportunity passes, don't make yourself feel like shit and think "Well, back to square one". Instead, think on it and come up with a really good way that you could have approached her, and keep it in mind in case a similar situation happens in the future. Just a few hours ago, a Starbucks employee called out "Venti Americano for fsc!" As I started walking to grab my order, a girl in front of me also took a step toward it, stopped, then said to her friend "oh wait, I'm not fsc". Without much thought, I said out loud "I'm fsc" and smiled. They made eye contact with me, smiled back, then I looked away because I realized that I blurted something out without even being prepared for what to do next. Then I just left the store because within that second or two that I took in picking up my order from the counter after speaking out, I couldn't come up with a way to continue off of what just happened. As I was walking away from the store, I thought on it and came up with a way I would react in a similar situation next time: I would say "fsc is my name. What's yours?" Then I'd probably compliment her or something.

Look back and be proud of who you have become since you've started the seduction arts. fsc of 4 months ago would look at me today and be like "HOLY SHIT!". I mean, a week ago I went out with my first blonde who I picked up via cold approach, made out with her on my bed, and I've been a little down because I didn't have sex with her. fsc of 4 months ago would've been like "OMG! You went on a date with a blonde?! What if you ended up giving her bad convo?! You brought her to bed?! What if you couldn't get hard?!" LAWL...Really, be proud of what you've become and be proud of who you are compared to the rest of the men in the world. Look around you and realize that you are literally like the 1% of men who have the balls to go up to a random girl and say anything at all. Realize that, with some more practice and experience, you will eventually become one of the rare gem of a man that girls daydream about.

 

[TheWiseFool]

fsc,

I have a post written up but it is in a draft. I don't want to "make promises that I can't keep." I've asked a good number of guys on here for help regarding AA, and I keep telling myself and them, "today will be the day" or "I'm gonna go do that" and come back empty handed. So until than, I will withhold myself from sending you a proper response. It serves as a reminder and motivation to do something about where I am at.

As of now though, things are looking up. I hit some stride because this weak has been amazing thus far and it is only Tuesday.
- The Wise Fool

 

[fsc_old]

Hey, it's nice to see that you're putting pressure on yourself to improve, but don't stress yourself out to the point where it starts damaging you. Lighten up bro. Don't think of pick up and seduction as a complex procedure; think of it as something that you just do. Like...what do you do when you touch a burning coal? You scream, take a pic of your fucked up hand, post it on Facebook, call an ambulance, then see how many likes you get before the ambulance arrives. Man, screw attention whores on Facebook. My ex-neighbor posted something like "I'm drunk. Driving home is going to be a challenge" a few weeks ago. Fucking idiot. Anyway...what do you do when you see an attractive girl? You go up to her and say hi. No perfect openers, no nothing. Just smile and say "hey, what's up?". Then just actively listen and try to make a convo. If you fuck up, you CAN just say "bye" and walk away. I've walked away like half a dozen times before because I couldn't come up with anything to say. What's the worst that can happen? She'll probably text her BFF, "OMG, this totally hot guy just walked up to me, said hi, then just left meee! ;,( WTF?! Am I that ugly? >:O Like what did I do wrong? I dressed so sexy and smiled and made eye contact like Cosmopolitan told me to, but he walked away! I'm so sad! ;,("

Keep in mind that girls can be nervous and socially awkward too. They dress up and put on make up and shit for YOU. To attract YOU. And the sexier they dress, the sillier they are and the harder they're trying for your attention. So make her day by giving her a compliment. Start simple, have fun, and don't worry because the devil may care.

 

[Light]

Not sure if you have read my post yet:
https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=2483&p=11168&hilit=+anxiety#p11168

But I have a suspicious feeling the reason why you still have AA is due to your physiology. You need to get in the habit of having great physiology.

Remember, that your body has the power to trick your brain.

I don't want to "make promises that I can't keep." I've asked a good number of guys on here for help regarding AA, and I keep telling myself and them, "today will be the day" or "I'm gonna go do that" and come back empty handed. So until than, I will withhold myself from sending you a proper response.

This is also a mistake. Successful people make declarations to either themselves or to the world, in order to be fully committed.

Will Smith said: "Either he gets off first, or I die running on the treadmill. There is no other way"

That is the type of commitment you must put upon yourself if you are to ever break out of your comfort zone.

IF you are a guy who values your own reputation, then that is exactly what you need to stake. There is no other way.

 

[TheWiseFool]

fsc,

Thank you for the encouraging words fsc. Where I am at currently though, it is hard to have that "I'm just having fun vibe" when I am stuck in that smooth vibe that Chase talks about in his "3 Flavors of Sexy" article (I don't know how to make the words in quotations link to the article, but you can always search it if you want). Things are like, "Okay, I know she likes me and wants me to talk to her so now all I gotta do is open my mouth." And then nothing happens and I'm thinking, "Cmon, just say something, anything. A simple 'Hi' will suffice!" But I am again nervous. I am nervous guy hiding behind some other guy who looks like he has his life together (I really do have a lot of things together, but the road to become a great seducer is not one of those things, which is why I am so hard on myself because it's been like this for me for a very long time where I know a girl(s) like me but I just don't get myself to open my mouth and end up leaving girls feeling disappointed, or even worse, bitter.) Light hits the nail right on the head when he instructs that I must put my reputation on the line for more results at a faster click.

I do believe a personality change is needed in order to produce more results, but I've found that whatever I am doing now gets girls attracted hard at least in terms of reactions, and yes, I know reactions are not results so nothing special. Writing this has actually made me realize that the direction I thought was the right one is actually the wrong one, so thanks haha ^_^

Like I said earlier, "As of now though, things are looking up. I hit some stride because this week has been amazing thus far..." Monday, I tested two things and they worked; Tuesday I decided to test my conversation skills and made some new acquaintances easily (I tend to dislike being the center of attention or being 'pampered' in any form because of how I was raised, but having fundamentals down = men and women catering to you, with the occasional bitter person who thinks you're not that special). Today, I made more "acquaintances" and practiced more conversation with not just guys but girls also, and noticed specific nuances about each sex that I would have missed out on last year AND I am having great conversations without the aid of alcohol or being in a party setting. I am having fun with those things, I just don't care, there isn't much at stake, at least that is how I perceive. Now, you could say, "why don't you use that same perception when it comes to approaching girls?" And you are right! Why don't I? As you had said, and I agree with you 100% because it makes so much sense I'd be a fool to disagree,

Keep in mind that girls can be nervous and socially awkward too. They dress up and put on make up and shit for YOU. To attract YOU. And the sexier they dress, the sillier they are and the harder they're trying for your attention. So make her day by giving her a compliment. Start simple, have fun, and don't worry because the devil may care.

Why, why, why, why am I being so stubborn and not doing that which I want to do?
This is where I would like to segway to Light.

Light,

I definitely know what you mean by changing state and tricking your brain to do things you don't want. I have a hunch that you suggested Tony Robbins' book, Unlimited Power, to Richard who suggested that I read it. He affirms many things I agree with, but I was blown away by the techniques he gives past chapter 7, I believe. I find his techniques are so much more imaginative, creative, fun and most of important, effective, than the things I used prior to reading his book.

Getting back on topic... can you explain specifically what you want me to do body wise to trick my brain? What do you suggest? I feel confident and in control of everything in my life except approaching girls. That sentence right there indicates that I must possess problems with control. A fear of not being in control, a fear of looking like a fool. And even though I don't want to admit it, it is true. I've seen myself many many many times opting to stay in my comfort zone rather than talk to a girl. That's where I wholeheartedly agree with you when you say,

That is the type of commitment you must put upon yourself if you are to ever break out of your comfort zone.

IF you are a guy who values your own reputation, then that is exactly what you need to stake. There is no other way.

I need to be willing to risk my reputation and overcome not wanting to be the fool. Giving up that which I find great for something even greater. You're right, you are so right.

But there is something I find even greater than reputation and that is why I want to refer to Tony Robbins again. Another reason why I haven't achieved my goals is because my life is not in alignment with my value system. I've been struggling with my values learned from the Bible with that of the values of GC, as well as many others but these are the main ones. I was in a really bad place in life at the end of my spring semester last year and I don't want to sound corny but God saved me man. I got over all the problems I had in one week all because of God and I don't feel right cos I feel like I am choosing to give up such values for that of human desire. We can go on and on about trying to justify that it's okay, but it really isn't. And that right there is a big problem because if I can't "give up God" than I can't "become a great seducer."

Those three pillars of success. Not only thinking but embodying what you think. Alignment between life and values. And having a model, map, strategy, tools to success. I need all three to succeed, but I only have one of three, two of three if I want to be optimistic.

Lastly, the one thing that sums up what I need to do right now is the first minute and a half of this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqKEApq60ic
I haven't put enough effort, I keep making up excuses, this whole post right here is riddled with excuses. I'm being hard on myself guys because I don't want to be some snake. I don't want to see my rank going up from light blue to green when I haven't even made love/fucked a girl yet. I've been going through a lot of internal struggle lately because I've been babying myself and treating myself all nice and saying, "it's okay, it's okay. Next time." and that isn't right either! That's like paying a man to do a job and he screws it up and you pay him his wages in full because next time he'll get it. I was babying myself before, but it's time to turn up the heat. I am an optimist trust me, but I am changing my strategy since the last one wasn't working.

Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?
Ralph: That about sums it up for me.

I just want myself to get results because it sucks. Going to the mall everyday for winter break and talking to one girl only. Wanting everyday to talk to some girl I think is cute and attracted to me but I don't. Not wanting to live the life I want to be living. Just a mess of things right now and am trying to get it together. Thanks again, I really appreciate the advice, but if my problem is an internal one, than I am the only one to blame and the only one who can fix it no matter how much help I get. You guys are encouraging me every step of the way though and it helps out a TON, even if it's somethin as basic as talking to a girl with the purpose and intent of bedding her.
- The Wise Fool

 

[fsc_old]

Perhaps you just need to relax and have fun in general because I feel like you're really punishing yourself. Take some time off and focus on yourself for a week or so. Try out a new hobby, do a Star Wars marathon, learn how to do the dougie or whatever if you didn't know already. Just find a way to rest your mind and make yourself happy. Put yourself through a little "reset" phase and start fresh again. Being a happy person can never go wrong.

How to have "worded" links:
Testing to make sure I gave the correct instructions

THE WORDS [URL closing thingy]

 

[Light]

Hey buddy,

I want to let you know that I understand where you are coming from.
I believe that you already know what needs to be done, but you are here for confirmation.
You are hanging on to the entrance of the plane so tight, that all you need is that little push in order for you to make the jump.

First of all, if you are reading "Unlimited Power", I congratulate you! You already know what needs to be done regarding your physiology.
You mentioned that you feel confident and in control of everything in my life except approaching girls.
Well I want you to read the chapter in the book titled "Anchoring"
I want you to go back and remember how you felt when you are in full confident and in full control of your life, and create an anchor.
The book will show you how, but feel free to message me if you need help.
Use the anchor to help you over your Approach Anxiety.
At the end of the day, all it takes is that One Approach to break your barrier.

Now relating to your internal conflict of your value system - This is not a problem!

I will say God wants you to find the right woman too, but you are never going to find her if you won't even meet them and greet them.
Who said you have to always aim to move fast for Sex?!
Why not just use the skills and techniques you've learnt here to help you:

- Approach the women you like
- Understand how to connect with them using deep diving
- Grab her number at a high point
- Meet up for a date
- Find out whether she's the right one for you or not
- If not, stay friends, and move on
- If there is a possibility that she is the one - Move Fast - not for sex, but for creating chemistry and make her your girlfriend!

You can still apply PUA skills for your own values. The knowledge you have gained here is just a tool.
And the tool will do good or bad depending on its user.
The tool you have right now is a gift from God. He wouldn't have exposed you to it otherwise.
Maybe he is asking "How will you use what I've given you?"

 

[TheWiseFool]

fsc and Light,

What you were feeling fsc is exactly what I wanted to do, which was to punish myself. But the strategy I adopted was not a healthy one so since the time that I've read yours and Light's post and thinking about what I've been doing to myself, I've decided to revert back to my usual optimistic and loving self. It just wasn't worth seeing myself deteriorate into this monster of a person, I'm sure you could feel my negative emotions flowing into you through the damn computer screen lol! Gosh, never again... patience, optimistic, and persistence were key. I do have a field report to post up so that is something that I'm happy about since my goal this week was to have some sort of non-platonic interaction with a girl by Friday (Getting things done at the last minute as usual zzzz.... haha). Anyways, I just want to say thanks for the support man, and thanks to you too Light!

Light you are definitely right about how I was behaving and what I needed which was confirmation, that little push that gets you going, that little bit of activation energy to get a chemical reaction started.

At the end of the day, all it takes is that One Approach to break your barrier.

Yes! Glad you know the feeling. It is exactly that, I just need to do it once and I'll want to go again and again and again like a child who finds out roller coasters aren't scary but fun, that their design was never meant for people to die just as talking to girls is not designed for you to die in some tragic way or form.

I was trying to do things on my own and didn't want to come crying to you guys here, but I thought, "We're all here to help each other out" and you guys certainly did that and I am very thankful for both yours and fsc's support. It made all the difference with how this week turned out, I probably would still be fuming with anger and falling into a deeper and deeper hole of depression and anxiety that would ultimately poison the entire lifestyle that I've created for myself. Thank you guys really, I can't stress it enough nor can I think of the right words to communicate effectively how elated I feel. One day I hope to return the favor if you guys ever need help with anything!
- The Wise Fool