Tailoring Personality to Situations

[TheWiseFool]

Hi guys,

I'm pretty sure most of us act according to the demands of specific situations. We act differently in front of family, friends, women, colleagues, co workers, strangers, etc. My question specifically has to do with the combination of both colleagues, friends, and women.

I'm stuck between choosing to be this "too cool" for everyone guy that makes all the girls in the room go, "Who is this guy?" and actually talking to my friends who are in the same room. I love people and talking to them and sharing ideas and just helping each other to grow, whether it be through the sharing of ideas or knowledge, whatever way I can learn or teach I do so. Unfortunately, I feel like this is not good because my value just goes up in the sense that I get to exert my intellect or share experiences when connecting with the people I see. I noticed that this girl who is interested in me just totally backed down into a listening position when I started speaking with my one friend over this philosophical topic regarding the concept of infinity and string theory and all that universal stuff that will make your brain explode if you think about it too much. Anyways, my friend is really really smart relative to everyone in the room and everyone knows him because I am the new guy who everyone wants to know because he doesn't seem to be a guy who would hangout with them. We get along very well and I am glad because I don't meet many competent individuals who I can bounce ideas off of without coming to the realization that this other person doesn't know what I'm talking about. It's wonderful!

Anyways, I decided to say screw it and just talk and be myself (friendly, optimistic, smart, geeky, etc.) for just a few moments and just go at it. Best part was that I was truly enjoying myself, but the room grew silent listening to us both trading back and forth and I was like, "Your not suppose to be talking dude..."

I felt really bad because I don't want to come off as being more intimidating than I am when I'm not even talking... I was speaking to an acquaintance a few hours prior and he was struggling to even look me in the eye? Like what? I don't know if I have to feign nervousness or something, but it doesn't sit right with me when people are nervous around me, I'm just another human being just like them!

Does anyone else run into these problems and how do you work around it? Do you isolate yourself and keep yourself in a constant state of mysteriousness; in the position of king of the castle ... or do you not mind stepping out every once in a while for some sunshine, fresh air, and time to mingle amongst the people?

As usual, there is the double edged sword that comes with these things. Pros and cons to each decision. I'm sure there is another frame or perception to work around this, I just haven't seen it yet and I've been thinking about it for the past two days.

As usual, any and all help is appreciated and I always enjoy a great discussion!
- TWF

 

[Thedoctor]

Unfortunately, I feel like this is not good because my value just goes up in the sense that I get to exert my intellect or share experiences when connecting with the people I see. I noticed that this girl who is interested in me just totally backed down into a listening position when I started speaking with my one friend over this philosophical topic regarding the concept of infinity and string theory and all that universal stuff that will make your brain explode if you think about it too much.

WiseFool,

I think this has more to being relatable than it does in overly-increasing your value. There's always going to be specific subjects that a lot of people either don't understand or don't find interesting. There's a good possibility this girl had no idea what the hell you were talking about. You could have tried to include her into the conversation by asking a few questions pertaining to the subject. If she honestly knew nothing about the subject, then feel it out or even ask her if she's interested. If not, time to change subjects.

I love talking about philosophical subjects (and how much I think string theory is wrong ), but these are usually topics I save for discussion with one or two friends over a few beers when we're by our ourselves. The other problem with a subject like this is that it can be a very emotionally draining topic (talking about existentialism and such).

So my advice is to discuss more light-hearted things when you're in group social settings.

Do you isolate yourself and keep yourself in a constant state of mysteriousness; in the position of king of the castle ... or do you not mind stepping out every once in a while for some sunshine, fresh air, and time to mingle amongst the people?

Again, this comes back to you being relatable. Too much intrigue isn't a good thing either. You should make it so that people have to put in some work to get to know you, but too much just makes you look stuck-up and maybe even pompous. So yes, mingle, get to know people, their interests, passions etc. You'll be surprised at how much you learn!

-John

 

[TheWiseFool]

Casanova and John,

One thing I will say is that its much more ideal for someone to strike up a conversation with you, than you to go out a begin conversing with others.

This is perfectly describes how things usually play it out haha. I rarely jump into conversations unless the conversation really interest me. My friend usually starts the conversations with me. He told me because a couple hours before, I helped a girl with her problem regarding a mutual friend. After I calmed her down and helped her to see and understand the situation in its totality, I expressed how "It's been a long time since I've had a good conversation."

TheWiseFool sits in a room, where everyone is talking in their separate cliques. TWF sits alone, comfortably and he gazes above the people in the room. He is recognized by a friend and interesting conversation ensues. The room quietens as everyone is intrigued by this mysterious person. The friend soon leaves, and as TWF returns to his comfortable position. A new fairly person, out of curiosity makes small talk with TWF and his clique members one by one surround them. He deem TWF acceptable and then TWF is introduced to the group members. The clique is happy to have a high value, mysterious guy in their group instead of another.

I hope that is how it is like haha! I try not to make too many assumptions because they are assumptions after all, but from what I can tell, I'm usually received well!

I myself have used this several times to make friends and/or meet women via social circle. But if you wish to take the women to bed you must retain your lover traits. (intrigue, charisma etc)

I definitely lose lover value by helping out a girl, who I am not interested in, with her "life" problems. In the example above, friend value goes up, love value goes down. I guess the question to ask is, "Am I willing to sacrifice good feelings in one area for good feelings in another area?" The real solution would be to go outside and meet girls, but I am still having trouble with that. I am making progress in the sense that I'll tell a girl something I like about her and that's it so far haha ^_^

I love talking about philosophical subjects (and how much I think string theory is wrong ), but these are usually topics I save for discussion with one or two friends over a few beers when we're by our ourselves. The other problem with a subject like this is that it can be a very emotionally draining topic (talking about existentialism and such).

Yes! They can be very very emotionally draining but they are so worth it!!! There is this huge empty void where you just ask, "Where do we go from here?" at the end of it all. And I need to work on coming up for air because there is that tendency to get lost due to this hunger of wanting to dive deeper and deeper for "The answer." And I definitely agree that over a few beers, such conversation is perfect. Used to have late 2-4 am conversations chilling in a room filled with people whose minds just "run" with imagination and wonder. They are amazing when if one is able to find the "right" people.

Unfortunately, I've cut out many things in my life for the sake of achieving financial freedom as well as living my dream life one day. A lot of sacrifice and much foregoing of fun so when my friend started talking about string theory, I got swallowed up into it, which is something I shouldn't have done in the first place lol!

I think this has more to being relatable than it does in overly-increasing your value. There's always going to be specific subjects that a lot of people either don't understand or don't find interesting. There's a good possibility this girl had no idea what the hell you were talking about.

That is a great way to look at it. I definitely understand your point because she was trying to jump into the conversation, but it was clear me and my friend knew the answer before she answered the question.

You could have tried to include her into the conversation by asking a few questions pertaining to the subject. If she honestly knew nothing about the subject, then feel it out or even ask her if she's interested. If not, time to change subjects.

You are so right. This indicates to me that I've been slacking in keeping my empathy and logical levels the same... I definitely did not take the time consider asking her if she's interested, I just got caught up in excitement of someone else's intellect and just wanted to keep poking, prodding, and testing it to see how far it would go. I guess I got stuck in the idea that if someone doesn't know what you are talking about, they are probably not interested in it. In addition, from time to time I forget that people aren't as assertive relative to myself. However, today I decided to jump into a conversation of hers briefly to share something I related to and she mentioned something that I wasn't able to relate to, but was interested in so I asked her if she could explain more. Unfortunately, I guess she felt embarrassed that I didn't know what fictional character she was talking about and thought I did more harm than good, so I just laughed it off and said I got the idea of her story and then complimented her on it. Luckily she did change subjects.

So my advice is to discuss more light-hearted things when you're in group social settings.

After thinking more over about what happened yesterday, I remembered why I lost interest and became bored with philosophy to begin with, I have my reasons just as you have yours about string theory hehe ^_^ (I'm tempted to ask what your idea is but I don't want my mind to go ticking away into theory and imagination haha).
I will, however, use that experience as a reference point for what not to do during social settings. I always tell people, "I'm always seeking for 'intellectual' conversations." The possible answers to the questions that people are usually to scared to ask because they don't want to stray from the pack.

TheWiseFool wrote:
Do you isolate yourself and keep yourself in a constant state of mysteriousness; in the position of king of the castle ... or do you not mind stepping out every once in a while for some sunshine, fresh air, and time to mingle amongst the people?

Again, this comes back to you being relatable. Too much intrigue isn't a good thing either. You should make it so that people have to put in some work to get to know you, but too much just makes you look stuck-up and maybe even pompous. So yes, mingle, get to know people, their interests, passions etc. You'll be surprised at how much you learn!

I think people know that I am friendly, but I only talk to people I am interested in (smart people, underdogs, "real" people who are able to have a conversation without having to talk about someone or something in a negative fashion), which could definitely come off as being stuck up. I'm working on finding the balance between guarding myself from things that will negatively hinder my progression towards become the best version of myself and maintaining and increasing social skills. Killing two birds with one stone in the sense that I keep myself from people who are negative and gossipy and don't like work while keeping that sexy vibe Chase elaborates on in his article 3 Flavors of Sexy: Brooding, Smooth, and Talkative Vibes. I just thought that isolation comes with the package of trying to be that, but I was battling with "can I take a breathe for a moment and just relax and mingle with people?" Not sure if I erased it or mentioned it before, but I probably need to just separate social settings with friends and seduction. Compartmentalization. If you look up the term you'll understand why I need to due to the problems I experience if I don't.

Well, it seems that many plans have been designed to figure out the problem(s) in my situation. However, there are some other questions that have risen up as well, but I'll think them over first before comebacking if I can't figure it out.

Overall though, thanks guys! The topic of whether or not I should talk to people or not has been on my mind for quite some time and it's great to get help and learn the perspective of other people who understand ^_^

Breathing easy,
- The Wise Fool