- Joined
- Jul 17, 2013
- Messages
- 1,554
I have been heeding the guidance in this site for some years now (as older members will know) and have reflected on what has gone well and what badly. Certainly some areas come naturally to me. The “fake it till you make it” idea of acting out a particular behavior until it becomes natural has definitely worked well for me. The “just do it” advice, of going out and meeting as many women as I have time for, also has boosted my confidence and is in fact an enjoyable activity in itself.
But there are several areas which have been a constant burden. Most difficult skills cannot be learned properly unless you master the basics. If you don’t hold your racquet properly you will never learn to play tennis well, no matter how much work you put into other aspects of the sport. I have both succeeded and failed at picking up various skills throughout my life, and where I have failed it has always been due to this factor; where I have succeeded, it has been because someone forced me, or I forced myself, to revisit the basics often, and master them.
With this in mind here are two areas where I am currently struggling (still) with the basics. I may attempt to extend this list at a later date. Advice and commentary will be greatly appreciated.
Emotional Continence
Many pages on this site describe the need to be a rock, unswayable by the mundane mood swings of women, and I recognize the type and admire it. Yet what to do if that goes directly opposite to my natural inclinations?
I giggle uncomfortably when unsure of myself.
I laugh out loud when someone makes a stupid mistake.
A colleague’s announcement of his impending divorce can cause me to break out in tears, as can hearing of his family member’s illness.
All of the above, from what I gather from the site material, are essentially the emotional equivalent of pissing one’s pants in the middle of a meeting instead of waiting until the coffee break to excuse oneself.
But those are all also a part of who I am. How do other men cover up their feelings? Do they wait until they get home in the evening and then laugh and cry all at once?
If these are all things that women hate, is it my fate to find a woman who likes enough other things about me to compensate these shortcomings?
Non-Pedestalization
The need to avoid pedestalizing women actually makes perfect sense from a psychological point of view. If you want someone’s attention, driving up her own perception of herself by making transparent your regard for her will cause her to see you as inferior and have the opposite effect than that intended.
And I understand perfectly that most women are not what you see on the surface; that they are frequently psychopathic, or throw themselves at actual felons.
Despite this it is difficult to avoid pedestalization when all one’s observations are pushing one in the opposite direction. I see a girl for thirty seconds on public transit and I have already taken in her coloring, her hair texture, her eye shape, her neckline, her facial expressions and visible emotion, her face shape, the insistent bulging of her breast and hips, the roundness of her behind, the gentle curve of her spine. All these things are urging me to see her as a goddess. Who else could possess such true perfection?
Again, how do other men cope with this? Do they simply not SEE these delights? I don’t think I’d even want that. Or do they somehow, by practice, succeed in ignoring them and treating her as just another candidate for their protection and dominance?
Or do they perhaps allow themselves a day off, maybe once a month, where they let off steam by worshiping and groveling before their girlfriends—a “weekend” if you will—after which they go back to their self-imposed “alpha” state and resume repressing their true feelings?
But there are several areas which have been a constant burden. Most difficult skills cannot be learned properly unless you master the basics. If you don’t hold your racquet properly you will never learn to play tennis well, no matter how much work you put into other aspects of the sport. I have both succeeded and failed at picking up various skills throughout my life, and where I have failed it has always been due to this factor; where I have succeeded, it has been because someone forced me, or I forced myself, to revisit the basics often, and master them.
With this in mind here are two areas where I am currently struggling (still) with the basics. I may attempt to extend this list at a later date. Advice and commentary will be greatly appreciated.
Emotional Continence
Many pages on this site describe the need to be a rock, unswayable by the mundane mood swings of women, and I recognize the type and admire it. Yet what to do if that goes directly opposite to my natural inclinations?
I giggle uncomfortably when unsure of myself.
I laugh out loud when someone makes a stupid mistake.
A colleague’s announcement of his impending divorce can cause me to break out in tears, as can hearing of his family member’s illness.
All of the above, from what I gather from the site material, are essentially the emotional equivalent of pissing one’s pants in the middle of a meeting instead of waiting until the coffee break to excuse oneself.
But those are all also a part of who I am. How do other men cover up their feelings? Do they wait until they get home in the evening and then laugh and cry all at once?
If these are all things that women hate, is it my fate to find a woman who likes enough other things about me to compensate these shortcomings?
Non-Pedestalization
The need to avoid pedestalizing women actually makes perfect sense from a psychological point of view. If you want someone’s attention, driving up her own perception of herself by making transparent your regard for her will cause her to see you as inferior and have the opposite effect than that intended.
And I understand perfectly that most women are not what you see on the surface; that they are frequently psychopathic, or throw themselves at actual felons.
Despite this it is difficult to avoid pedestalization when all one’s observations are pushing one in the opposite direction. I see a girl for thirty seconds on public transit and I have already taken in her coloring, her hair texture, her eye shape, her neckline, her facial expressions and visible emotion, her face shape, the insistent bulging of her breast and hips, the roundness of her behind, the gentle curve of her spine. All these things are urging me to see her as a goddess. Who else could possess such true perfection?
Again, how do other men cope with this? Do they simply not SEE these delights? I don’t think I’d even want that. Or do they somehow, by practice, succeed in ignoring them and treating her as just another candidate for their protection and dominance?
Or do they perhaps allow themselves a day off, maybe once a month, where they let off steam by worshiping and groveling before their girlfriends—a “weekend” if you will—after which they go back to their self-imposed “alpha” state and resume repressing their true feelings?
