The Ghost Technique (Secret Lover)

Just_Dave

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The advantage for this technique is its versatility and how it can be implemented on any woman. No matter your relationship preference, lover or boyfriend, it works great for either. The whole idea is to be her "secret" lover. This way you alleviate any outside interference or pressure from her social circle. As soon as a girl's friends see you with her they automatically what to know your relationship to her. Then she's forced to label you, you can unfortunately end up in the friend zone just that quick. Even for my guys out there who want to be in a relationship, believe me the less her friends know about you the better. They'll start putting unrealistic expectations on you guys relationship. My answer to all this is simple.

The Fixers:
Avoid any double dates (especially if you're just a lover, this goes for boyfriends too) Out of the ones I've been on, it's really an excuse either for your girl or her girl friend to tag along and evaluate your relationship or her friend's relationship. Under no circumstance is this ever a good idea, unless you've been with you girl for at least a year sometimes more. It can be very damaging to your relationship when first starting out.

Avoid meeting family, this is especially crucial if you're just a lover and not completely serious about the girl. The last thing you want to do is set the expectation that you'll be around for awhile. For boyfriends, same concept meeting the family is best if you plan on marrying the girl and being around long term. The Problem with meeting family like her social circle is they evaluate your relationship and start setting expectations for it. They'll start pressuring you two towards marriage.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying take your girlfriend or Friend with Benefit girl and lock her in your room and never let her see the light of day. No it's cool to hang out with her if it's just you two. Give yourselves time to develop the relationship and let it breathe.

Keep it simple:
The reason why you want your relationship to be just between you and the girl is because that's how a successful relationship is built. You're the man and you have to lead the relationship in the direction where you want it to go. This goes back to goal setting and expectation setting. You must do it by your standards and your standards alone because it is your life. You must establish a firm foundation for your relationship in the beginning before you introduce people into it.

Conclusion: Avoid group dates, Avoid social pressure, and finally have your own life. Your woman is an important part of your but you must not make her the center of it. You must still have goals, and things you want to accomplish in life. That's why you need to avoid meeting the parents right away so you can set the right expectations for the relationship upfront.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
Hey there!

I personally find this technique to be extremely efficient, with one main problem, though : It's frustrating.

I have been this "ghost" in the first relationships I had, and I personally didn't feel quite satisfied in the long run. Especially in the boyfriend zone. You come to expect this when you're just a girl's lover, but being her boyfriend and yet going through all this trouble is a bit excessive to me.

So... Let me just say that I completely agree with you under the "lover" spotlight.

Under the "boyfriend" spotlight, however, I do not feel that it is either appropriate or needed (At least in my situation):

The pressure towards a wedding doesn't quite apply where I live, so my situation could be different, but with most girls I dated, I found their families to be nice enough when I got to meet them for whatever reason. I'm a proper guy, studying in a relatively good field, playing the "classy yet daring and hard to please" game before the "bad boy" game, which I simply can't pull off or rather don't care enough about to try, and usually parents enjoy having me around their daughters for a simple reason : They know I have sex with them, but they also know I won't hurt their feelings.

Double dates? Well, I don't really like them in the first place. I mean, I don't enjoy being part of it. To me it's two couples minding their own business at the same location.

Friends in general? Those are fairly unavoidable in my experience, and as far as expectations go, they can see I'm a nice person, which I really am in my opinion (of course, everyone thinks that!), and I've never quite had a problem with them.
 

Just_Dave

Tribal Elder
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Messages
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LeFrenchie said:
Hey there!

I personally find this technique to be extremely efficient, with one main problem, though : It's frustrating.

I have been this "ghost" in the first relationships I had, and I personally didn't feel quite satisfied in the long run. Especially in the boyfriend zone. You come to expect this when you're just a girl's lover, but being her boyfriend and yet going through all this trouble is a bit excessive to me.
That's one of those thing you must bring up with your girlfriend. However, don't take it personal if she doesn't introduce you right away or at all. Either she may just like spending time with you alone, or she may not be really close to her family. Sometimes girls are just waiting for the right time. Thank you for your input though, and welcome to the boards!

Just Dave
 

Chase

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Great stuff, Dave.

Another strong reason for putting off meeting her friends, family, acquaintances, etc. for as long as possible is that it gives you lots of time to iron out the relationship dynamics between you and her without outside influence.

The earlier things are in a relationship, the more maleable they are. The older a relationship becomes, the more things get "set." It's better if you and her are the only ones molding things early on... and not you, her, her best friend, her other 3 friends, that guy who's been in love with her since they were both 10, her parents, brother, sister, and Aunt Gretel and Uncle Timothy all fighting to mold things the way each person wants them.

By keeping yourself separate from a girl's circle until fairly far into the relationship, you give the relationship time to set into something that YOU want - rather than something that everybody else wants.

Chase
 

Just_Dave

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Joined
Nov 21, 2012
Messages
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Chase said:
Great stuff, Dave.

Another strong reason for putting off meeting her friends, family, acquaintances, etc. for as long as possible is that it gives you lots of time to iron out the relationship dynamics between you and her without outside influence.

The earlier things are in a relationship, the more maleable they are. The older a relationship becomes, the more things get "set." It's better if you and her are the only ones molding things early on... and not you, her, her best friend, her other 3 friends, that guy who's been in love with her since they were both 10, her parents, brother, sister, and Aunt Gretel and Uncle Timothy all fighting to mold things the way each person wants them.

By keeping yourself separate from a girl's circle until fairly far into the relationship, you give the relationship time to set into something that YOU want - rather than something that everybody else wants.

Chase
Exactly, people tend to get jealous when they see how happy and great your relationship is. They will tend to distract you, a acquaintance of mine told me to spend excess of money and call her a lot. Needless to say he's having relationship problems and I'm on smooth sailing into the holidays. You have to be consistent.
 
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