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- Nov 14, 2017
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For TL;DR: Just read the big print.
I just posted an essay to my journal, about the horror of our often having to validate fake beauty, and in my case also racist beauty. If you donʼt have time to read the essay, this post is the executive summary. (If you read the essay instead and want to reply, reply here so that others can see.)
Fake Beauty, Racist Beauty
Imagine you see a girl who is genetically beautiful, but also happens to be wearing fake hair, fake nails, those stupid looking fake press‑on eyelashes, and lots of makeup. Whatʼs going through your mind?
I donʼt know, maybe some guys actually like this shit, or somehow get dazzled by it, but personally, it disgusts me.
I love natural beauty. I think cosmetics cheapen women. The women Iʼm most drawn to, look their best with little or none.
For me personally, this issue also takes on a deeper and more sinister dimension, because Iʼm primarily attracted to black * women.
It drives me fucking crazy. All I have to do is turn on the news, and if itʼs being delivered by a black woman, Iʼm almost guaranteed to see loosely waved, straight hair down past her shoulders. Iʼm. Just. So. Fucking. Sick of it.
I imagine most of the guys here know little or nothing about black womensʼ hair, so in the essay, I go into more detail on both the practical and sociological aspects of black hair and link some videos. But briefly, basically all (excluding heavily mixed) black womenʼs real hair coils tightly, goes bushy, and defies gravity; if youʼve watched 1970ʼs disco videos, youʼve seen it. Unfortunately for me — since I love their real hair, — itʼs now so uncommon for them to wear it natural that some white people today honestly believe black girlsʼ hair turns straight at puberty!
If a black girlʼs hair is straight and not that long, then it was straightened either using lots of heat and force, or else harsh chemicals. If her hair is straight or wavy and down past her shoulders, the story is even worse — thatʼs not even her hair at all!! Called “weave”, this is an Indian girlʼs hair sewn over top of her completely covered‑up hair. Some women even go as far as wearing fake skin for the fake hair to grow out of!!!
If I had to guess, as much as 70% of black women wear their hair straight, and at least 40% wear weave, often near-continually.
Black hair is an extremely political topic, and dislike of black womensʼ natural hair has actually become embedded in black cultureʼs own psyche to a degree that is nothing short of remarkable — and depressing.
I have personally been told by a black woman to just wait and see, because if I have a half‑black girl child, I will most certainly be making her straighten that shit. (Over my dead body!!)
When I see straight hair on a black woman, I look at it as a symbol of racism and self‑hate and conformance to pervasive Eurocentric beauty standards. And my view will not change so long as such a large percentage of black women are going to such enormous lengths to have the look of a different raceʼs hair. (There are black people who agree, though not the weave‑wearing ones!)
My impression is particularly bad when itʼs weave, or when she also wears fake nails, fake eyelashes, and tons of makeup. And this is unfortunately especially common in darker-skinned black women, who Iʼd otherwise love even more.
She of course doesnʼt think this consciously, but her actions nevertheless unmistakably communicate the message, “us black women are not pretty unless we doll ourselves up and try our damndest to compensate for the fact that weʼre not white.”
When I see such a woman, my mind becomes overwhelmed by the vileness of what she is effectively saying. It is nothing short of an attack on my very sense of beauty!!
Itʼs hard to explain what this does to me, but Iʼll try. Imagine, for a second, that two thirds of the women youʼd otherwise find attractive happen to also have a mask glued to their face, of some celebrity broad you donʼt even think is cute. And itʼs always the same celebrity.
My enthusiasm for hitting on her goes out the window. Iʼm sure as hell not going to compliment her hair, so now Iʼm pressed to find some other way to open — giving approach anxiety a further edge.
Iʼd be overjoyed to only ever hit on natural sistas. (Itʼs one of many reasons I plan to move to Africa.) The problem is, I already struggle with bad approach anxiety, I suspect in part due to my sticking to what is an ethnic minority in my country. If only 30% of black girls are natural, here, thatʼs 30% of 10%, or a mere three percent!! I obviously canʼt limit myself like that. Not in this country.
How To Hit on Weave Queens
This is a serious problem for me.
I have hit on girls in weave before, but itʼs fairly rare.
A couple years back, this black girl with a blonde weave who I actually hit on — sheʼd given me a large A.I., so what the hell, — was banging her head. They do this sometimes because weave is time‑consuming and expensive to install, so they keep it in as long as possible, and shit builds up under the weave and makes their head extremely itchy. Itʼs almost comical... but also rather sad, what these ladies think they have to go through to be beautiful. I actually teased her over it, lightly, while suggesting she wouldnʼt need to do that if she went natural. Not gonna happen, she told me. She was friendly but wouldnʼt give me her number.
I have to suspect our worldʼs fucked up racist beauty standards may have warped and twisted her interpretation of my word “natural”; I get into this more in the essay.
But how am I going to hit on these faked‑out girls more regularly?
When Iʼm about to approach such a girl, my mind instantly ideates an impression of, “Great. If I hit on her, sheʼs going to think I hit on her because sheʼs so pretty in the weave and fake nails and fake eyelashes and makeup. Iʼll have validated all of that. Iʼll have sent a clear message to her that, ‘cover up your own looks and your blackness as much as possible, and guys will like you.’” And it gives me just zero will to hit on her, because in a very real sense, doing so would disgrace black beauty.
Iʼve thought of three different ways I may be able to hit on weave queens while not completely pissing myself off:
- Counter-Compliment. Assuming sheʼs dark-skinned, compliment her skin tone. Itʼs a bit strange, but itʼs the one thing that she canʼt construe as a compliment of her weave or fake nails or fake eyelashes or makeup. And it goes a step further, by complimenting the very thing insecurity probably compelled her to fake herself out over.
- Anti-Compliment. Rather than hitting on the girl, complain. Open by showing her a pic of Adut Akech or another dark-skinned African beauty wearing natural hair and minimal cosmetics, and say, “Looking at this, I donʼt understand why black women wear weave. Although sheʼs usually natural, I have seen a pic of this girl in weave, and it just cheapens her.”
This oneʼs probably not going to get me many dates, but itʼd get it off my chest. Approaching with zero expectation or intent to succeed may also help desensitise me to approach anxiety, making it less likely I chicken out when I do happen to spot a natural sista.
- Qualified Compliment. Open with, “Iʼm really not into straight hair, or long hair, or long eyelashes; but other than that, youʼre really cute.” (The wording here is very crucial, and explained in the essay.)
Iʼm just not sure if the girl will even believe me. Because if that were really true, I must not like white girls, which sounds ridiculous. Hahaha, if only she knew!
How To Swipe on Weave Queens
On‑line is another matter. I strongly dislike on‑line game, but Iʼve been considering adding it as an adjunct to day game, to hopefully add some crucial positive sexual reference points that may help lower approach anxiety.
One huge problem with going for black women on‑line, is that a weave queen will only see that we matched. Fuuuuuuck me. At least in real life, I can quickly communicate my disdain for her (un?)twisted sense of beauty.
I am completely unwilling to hit on a weave-wearing girl without at least hinting at the fact that I think the weave cheapens her and is an insult to the beauty of black women.
I see only two choices. The first is to left‑swipe weave queens. But thatʼs going to do real damage to my odds.
The second is to shove the following into my profile, and hope to God that the assertion I read somewhere that women actually read Tinder profiles, is true:
It doesnʼt take much reading between the lines here to know I prefer black women. (And know one hell of a lot more about their hair than most white men...) I might lose a few over this display of racial preference, but I donʼt know what else to do.I like afros and afro-puffs and twist-outs and Bantu knots. Iʼm not into straight/wavy/long hair. If youʼre wearing four bundles of 22 inch Indian Remy and we matched, there must be something ELSE about you that I like.
In Closing
I realize my concerns are probably going to come across as stupid to many of you. Well, some of you may also hate fake beauty but just suck it up and ignore it.
You have to understand that the texture that black women wear their hair in, is extremely political, and basically a proxy for a debate on whether white women are worth more than black women. That makes it something that is very important to me, as much as that also screws me up.
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* Iʼm aware some places in Eastern Europe use these terms differently, so to be clear, Iʼm using “black” to mean someone with mainly sub‑Saharan African descent (not counting prehistory) and “white” to mean someone with mainly European/Caucasian descent.