The outside mentality. How dangerous is it?

[Average]

Warning: post might depress you. Do not read if you are in a happy mood

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I usually feel like I'm looking for acceptance into this giant group known as "Society". Like everything I do is either for myself or for them. Yet no matter how hard I try it always feels like I'm constantly being rejected by it for being "weird" (as so many people like to call me) or for just accidentally messing up and irritating it (even though I always have the best of intentions).

Anyway, I've fought off this label and rejection for years, yet I never feel like I'm any closer to my goal of acceptance. Even as I put myself into new and scary situations. I also feel like I'm unable to emotionally bond with anyone out of fear that I'll get hurt/embarassed/rejected somehow and lose them because I fucked up. Almost like I am the outsider of society who messes things up and has to become perfect in order to become part of the herd.

Even when I see a person acting goofy or enacting a faux pas, I feel like their goofiness is called for. Like their goofing up in the right way. I've pretty much put EVERYBODY around me on a pedestal and all I can do is look up to them with dreams of becoming them.
And that the longer I stay me, the more I miss out on the benefits of being accepted into the society/norm/community etc.

Is this perspective on life normal? Does everyone feel like this to a certain degree? How harmful is this mentality on yourself? Will I ever be able to get rid of this label of being "Weird"? Or is it a part of who I am to the core and is it impossible to change (since I've been labelled as weird since as far as I can remember into preschool. Possibly even before that. Then I grew up with it). Is it also possible to leave this outsider mentality behind?
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I know, that was kinda saddening. But I felt like this is a question that can be best answered by you guys. And if not, then you could direct me on how I could find the answer on my own/from a specific person.

 

[Start_ed_young]

Is this perspective on life normal?
First of all I think you need to realize there is no “normal” as far as I’m aware, but I would say everyone can relate to this post to some degree at some point in their life.

Secindly, being you is not something that you get rid of. You can improve and change yourself, but at the core you are still you in all of your esseence.

When you say that the other people seem to “goof up” at the right time, it only seems better because they are confident in themselves. For example, when someone try’s to say something funny in a group setting the way to get positive response will go like this
You: And then I was like, wow! He may as well only have one arm am I right? ( intending to make a joke about something)
Group: ummm... yeah
You: (keeps his frame, still happy not affected by initial negative response) WHAT?! YOUR TELLING MMMEEEEE, that this dude can use both?
Group: (sees) he clearly doesn’t need their response and he doesn’t suck up to them) HEY, OMG True! Followed by other positive responses

The only way an interaction like this could go negative is if the group senses that the person is uncomfortable with themselves or that this person doesn’t have a high value and he probably NEEDS friends, but if he’s just being cool trying to have a good time and he doesn’t really care what anyone else thinks about him he is 10x more likely to be acccepted.

Pretty much to be accepted you need to not worry about being accepted. Sounds pretty contradictory though right? Well, there are things you can do to help stop cari g so much about what others think, start loving yourself, and being confident with who you are.

For further study on this I would recommend checking out improvement pill on YouTube. He has many videos on how to get accepted and how to be more confident. He also has videos on body language that could be very useful I. Your situation

 

[Average]

Thanks bro. Those are some pretty deep words. Took em to heart.

I guess it's sort of like a "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality where you just assume that things are better

E.g scenario B is better than scenario A only because you picked scenario A and have gotten used to its benefits.

Thanks for the reply

 

[Lover]

I've always been the outsider and will probably always be. For some reason, I always find ways to distance myself from others. I can't tell if this is intentional or not from my end. But I can tell you this:

- I've always been critical of mainstream trends. Whatever has not made logical sense in my mind, would make a big opponent of it. Marriage is a good example. I've been anti-marriage since I was 13 because I thought people telling each other that they would stay forever, was a big lie since divorces obviously happened.

Of course I know these days that everything has tradeoffs, and I have to weigh the pros and cons. I'm still anti-marriage, but I see its benefits as well.

- I was the annoying kid in elementary school that paid respect to my teachers because they took their time to teach us stuff. I hated when other pupils wasted time arguing about ridiculous stuff and generally being noisy.

- I've tried to join the popular crowds in high school and pre-grad. But partying and drinking every month is not in my best interest. I like to keep my physical health and sleep schedule in some shape. In both places, I've gradually toned down the number of parties I went to, and now, I barely join them. Now I only go out with my closest friends when I want to.

- I've also comed to terms with the fact that I don't want to wear a "mask" in order to please my peers. If I don't get along with them, that's okay. But if we do get along, that's fantastic. I much rather want to be liked AND disliked for the "true" me, and not some imposter.

I can understand your frustration and need for belonging. I've been there many times. And I know what it's like to be in your situation, trying to say something goofy, and it just seems off. But in the end, it comes down to what you truly want. If you want to be part of "society", you must know which sides of yourself to show and when. And you must know what kind of value people want from you. Honestly, I still don't know as of today. I pretty much go along with energy/vibe of the conversation and see what happens when I meet new people.

I'd recommend you keep trying to make yourself belong in "society" for sometime. Reason is, eventually you have to assess whether you want to belong in "society" for long term, or if you prefer being weird.

But what ultimately helped me was to accept that I am different, and that I'm cool with it. I won't be able to win the everlasting fight for acceptance.

And like Started Young said, everyone can relate to this at some point. It's probably not something you can bond over with most people, but know it is there.