The role of man and provider in a relationship: the house repairs

[lux7]

“I feel like a man”..

That comment from an ex mine stuck with me.

She was very feminine, always used to men to stuff for her and she was complaining to me after she arranged the delivery and assembled a piece of big furniture all by herself –while I was at work and very happy I didn't have to move a finger for it-.

In the past her ex BF would do that all the times (and funny enough he kept doing it for a while as I lived with her and she hid my stuff from him when he would drive there).

It made me think though.
Once you are in a relationship, would you say you are also “supposed” to take over more typical roles of the man, like fixing around the house and carrying/assembling furniture.. ?
And would you say that's important to keep your man and leader role in the relationship?

 

[Fuck This]

The role is what you make it.

Certainly there is a component of handy-ness that is part of holding a Mancard. That means dealing with plumbing leaks, squeaky hinges, and other minor issues as they come up. However I also feel that there are certain tasks I will pay people to do who will do it better and quicker than I. Specialized trades like electrical, tile work and finish carpentry are examples.

Putting together furniture is one of those things , I'm happy to do, or help do, if it is a joint piece of property. I won't go to the girls house to assemble her bedroom set unless it is an exchange of services so to speak. "Hey I'll put your bed together, why don't you pick up some beer and Chinese food for after. You can help me."

When she takes the initiative and does it herself, just emphasis that you are proud of her taking the initiative. "That's why I like you. Smart and Capable. I brought us dinner. "

 

[Franco]

lux7,

Once you are in a relationship, would you say you are also “supposed” to take over more typical roles of the man, like fixing around the house and carrying/assembling furniture.. ?
And would you say that's important to keep your man and leader role in the relationship?

I never offer to fix anything unless it's something that's specifically bugging me for some reason. It might even be that I feel like it's something that is dangerous if not fixed/changed, so I tell her I'm going to fix/change it and then do it. But if it's not something that concerns me, then I don't bother bringing it up. I don't expect my girlfriend to expect me to just do things for her. If she did, it would probably turn into an argument, and I would win.

Occasionally my girlfriend will bring something up to me she wants help with and provide a really good explanation for it. If it seems like something she genuinely needs help with and is letting me know about it with ample enough time, then I'll be much more likely to help her with it. A good example of this is when my girlfriend moved a little over a year ago, and she wanted my help with moving some of the furniture and hanging some stuff on the walls. I knew this would be a pain in the ass for just her, so I agreed to help. However, I am not her plumber or her UPS delivery man -- if she needs basic maintenance done on her living space or needs to run basic errands, then I expect her to take care of that. I have my own shit to worry about.

My only "required" role as the man is to take care of her emotions and give her explosive orgasms in the bedroom. Anything else I do for my woman is out of my personal interest to expand our relationship or to add new elements to it that I would like to add. Nothing more.

- Franco

 

[lux7]

I should have specified I was living/bumming at her new place without paying (long story) and she was just furnishing it -before the bed she had just bought we were sleeping in sleeping bags-.

Those are the specifics of the situation.
Yet I feel man who can do all those repairs and dyi holds a bit more of manhood power in the typical we live together marriage?

 

[Franco]

lux,

I should have specified I was living/bumming at her new place without paying (long story) and she was just furnishing it -before the bed she had just bought we were sleeping in sleeping bags-.

Well this is an entirely different situation and depends both (1) on the girl and (2) on her relationship with you.

If she just loves everything about you and is rather weak-willed when it comes to demanding things from you, then she may not even bring it up at all that you're not paying any rent and you're not contributing to the living space. But that would require a girl who is not only head-over-heels for you but is also very independent and capable of taking care of things on her own.

When you're sharing finances (which is essentially what you're doing here) though, then you're likely going to have to contribute unless you want to start receiving drama from her. If she feels like you're just "sapping" off of her without contributing to her life in enough ways, then she's going to get upset about it and cause drama over it. And something like that only usually gets worse over time. If you don't mind the constant nagging and drama that comes along with it, then you can probably keep arguing your way out of it, if you choose to do so.

Yet I feel man who can do all those repairs and dyi holds a bit more of manhood power in the typical we live together marriage?

No because, as TwoRocky mentioned, I don't associate my "manhood" with my capability to perform mundane tasks. My manhood is represented by my ability to lead my woman emotionally as well as my ability to give her powerful orgasms in the bedroom. If you want to associate your manhood with your ability to perform housework, then you can certainly do that, but that is something I would not want my woman to rely on me for.

The ultimate solution is just to never move in with a woman. The second you move in with a woman is the second that she's much more likely to start assuming that you'll take more responsibility for a "shared" living space. And you can choose to either submit and pitch in (of which the act of submitting only makes you "weaker" on the manhood scale, if anything), or you can battle it out with her on a regular basis over why you feel like you shouldn't have to contribute to the living situation.

- Franco

 

[lux7]

lux,

Well this is an entirely different situation and depends both (1) on the girl and (2) on her relationship with you.

If she just loves everything about you and is rather weak-willed when it comes to demanding things from you, then she may not even bring it up at all that you're not paying any rent and you're not contributing to the living space. But that would require a girl who is not only head-over-heels for you but is also very independent and capable of taking care of things on her own.

When you're sharing finances (which is essentially what you're doing here) though, then you're likely going to have to contribute unless you want to start receiving drama from her. If she feels like you're just "sapping" off of her without contributing to her life in enough ways, then she's going to get upset about it and cause drama over it. And something like that only usually gets worse over time. If you don't mind the constant nagging and drama that comes along with it, then you can probably keep arguing your way out of it, if you choose to do so.

Yep, agree.
Funny enough, it was head over heels at the beginning, but as I found out even that doesn't last for ever if you keep slipping and don't provide anything a BF, now all the more serious for living together, is expected to provide.
Anyway, learned better from it.

A great solution, is what you follow it up with:

The ultimate solution is just to never move in with a woman. The second you move in with a woman is the second that she's much more likely to start assuming that you'll take more responsibility for a "shared" living space. And you can choose to either submit and pitch in (of which the act of submitting only makes you "weaker" on the manhood scale, if anything), or you can battle it out with her on a regular basis over why you feel like you shouldn't have to contribute to the living situation.

- Franco

Totally agree with this, and the moving in is a not so easy switch to manage.

No because, as TwoRocky mentioned, I don't associate my "manhood" with my capability to perform mundane tasks. My manhood is represented by my ability to lead my woman emotionally as well as my ability to give her powerful orgasms in the bedroom. If you want to associate your manhood with your ability to perform housework, then you can certainly do that, but that is something I would not want my woman to rely on me for.

Don't agree with this.
You can be a man who leads emotionally, gives orgasm and is able to fix and assemble anything in the house.
You're all the better off if you add things.

The specific of the house repairs is something which specifically interested me as I come from a place where men always tinker and fix things, often can fix -or pretend to fix - cars/engine too and it's one of the main differentiators between men and women: you're a man, you do have a minimum know how of how to fix things while the woman cooks.

And this girl in the specific, coming probably from a similar culture (Russia, in the specific), saw assembling a big heavy bed as something a man should do.
And herself, a feminine woman, was behaving like a man and was feeling bad for not having a man doing it.

So if you meet girls with a similar mentality, well, you probably can't escape it: beyond orgasms and emotional leadership, you will also be judged on your DIY skills.

 

[Franco]

lux,

The specific of the house repairs is something which specifically interested me as I come from a place where men always tinker and fix things, often can fix -or pretend to fix - cars/engine too and it's one of the main differentiators between men and women: you're a man, you do have a minimum know how of how to fix things while the woman cooks.

If it's a specific interest to you and you want to do it because you gain some sort of benefit (satisfaction?) from completing the task, then that is perfectly okay. It goes along the lines of "personal interest to expand the relationship" or "adding new elements that I would like to add." =)

And this girl in the specific, coming probably from a similar culture (Russia, in the specific), saw assembling a big heavy bed as something a man should do.
And herself, a feminine woman, was behaving like a man and was feeling bad for not having a man doing it.

So if you meet girls with a similar mentality, well, you probably can't escape it: beyond orgasms and emotional leadership, you will also be judged on your DIY skills.

You're missing the point here with this statement, though. If she was even considering you as the man who should complete this task in the first place, then it means she has already added that element into the overall "evaluation" of you. If you frame things correctly, then that particular assessment never even makes it on the evaluation form -- she hires a handyman (or asks the "nice guy" neighbor nextdoor) to assemble her bed, then texts you to come over and fuck her brains out on top of it.

The way you frame things determines what roles she wants you to fulfill. The main point of this website is to try to show guys that the stereotypical "Provider" roles/tasks (buying gifts, fixing stuff for her, etc.) don't equate to success with women. The only two roles that dictate how much she values you as a partner/lover are two things: emotion management and powerful sex.

By moving in with a girl, you're (probably unintentionally) sliding yourself into the role of "I'll take care of things around the living space for you now because that's the role I'm taking on since I decided to live with you." So I could certainly see why that assumption would be there with a woman you've moved in with! Especially if she's more traditional, then she'll probably assume that you'll now do all of these tasks for her once you've elected to move in with her; or, if you won't do those tasks, that you'll have the available resources (money) to provide some of the solutions to complete them.

- Franco

 

[lux7]

l
By moving in with a girl, you're (probably unintentionally) sliding yourself into the role of "I'll take care of things around the living space for you now because that's the role I'm taking on since I decided to live with you." So I could certainly see why that assumption would be there with a woman you've moved in with! Especially if she's more traditional, then she'll probably assume that you'll now do all of these tasks for her once you've elected to move in with her; or, if you won't do those tasks, that you'll have the available resources (money) to provide some of the solutions to complete them.

- Franco

Exactly.

That was the point, we were talking about "settling down relationships". If someone eventually wants to settle down and live together, and add the provider side of the relationship, then learning a few basics "repair skills" would come in handy rather than being the guy who just looks up on Internet who to call to change a light bulb or refers to the nice guy living next door to check if the remove has batteries in it.

Of course you can do without -as with most things there's always a way around it- but in a longer term living together relationship, you do might lose some points with some girls.

 

[HippertyHopperty]

The only two roles that dictate how much she values you as a partner/lover are two things: emotion management and powerful sex.

Hello!

This may be a stupid question, but I was wondering if you could clarify your above comment:

In this thread we refer to being a provider with such examples as DIY and manual labor. However from my experience you can also be a provider in terms of providing emotional validation, making her feel happy etc. This sounds much like the emotional management you mention above. Therefore i was hoping you could clarify how a lover/partner deals with emotional management as opposed to a provider.

Thanks,

HipHop

 

[Franco]

HipHop,

However from my experience you can also be a provider in terms of providing emotional validation, making her feel happy etc. This sounds much like the emotional management you mention above. Therefore i was hoping you could clarify how a lover/partner deals with emotional management as opposed to a provider.

If you're planning on seeing a girl for more than one night of passion, then emotional management still becomes a strong aspect of maintaining a healthy (casual) relationship. Once a girl decides to start sleeping with you regularly, there are all kinds of concerns that might come up in her head: "Do you care about her? Are you seeing other girls? Are you being honest with her? Are you treating her well?" A girl still requires you to handle her emotions and set the correct expectations for her at any every point beyond the first night of sex with her.

A (good) lover will make sure that he isn't setting incorrect expectations for the girl he's spending time with. If he isn't interested in something serious/committed, his actions will communicate this in ways that are clear to her. Whether or not she chooses to accept those expectations being set is entirely up to her, but she should understand that you are certainly trying to set them so that there is no confusion. Many girls in this era get hurt by guys who use false statements or excuses just to sleep with them and then later don't follow through on those statements or promises they might have made. This is what a good lover avoids.

So emotional management isn't exclusive to the Lover or the Provider. Emotional management comes into play with any woman you meet, and it especially comes into play with the ones you decide to sleep with more than one time.

- Franco