The value of a past story to determine a woman's LTR quality

[lux7]

Some time ago I was seeing this girl.

She was beautiful, had style, we had the same kind of humour and I loved at how she could laugh about herself (at least with me).

A few things though pointed out at her being very selfish in how she went about maximizing the resources around of her for herself.
One in particular stood out, that she told laughing:

She had a spent a day out of town with a past boyfriend.
He was now driving her back at her grandmother's place, where they were both staying.
It was about an hour drive, which they were doing at night, at the end of the day.
As they got to the place, she enters the door and then turns around. And she breaks up with him right there and then telling him he's not welcome there.
The guy had no place to go but to turn around and drive again for an hour back by himself.
She knew she wanted to break up but still used him to be driven to her destination, without much concern about his situation and feelings.
Prodded by me on "how about him", well, he was incredulous and fuming. But apart from that, she was unconcerned, not her business, "I don't care" I think was her reply.

I laughed too, at the moment. The boyfriend wasn't much of a good guy, but at the same time I knew it was something I'd never do in a million years in that way. At the very least I'd let the other person stay the night. And it worried me she had that kind of behaviour with huge lack of empathy.


HOW IMPORTANT IS A SINGLE STORY/INSTANCE TO DETERMINE A GIRL'S LTR QUALITY
Later on I'd see more of the same behaviour from her, but now my question is:
Imagine this is the first story/behaviour you hear like this.

To me it was very telling, yet I have had a lot of bad behaviour in the past, you probably have as well.
Does that automatically make me and you a bad person? No, not necessarily.

So, how would you weigh a single story or instance of this kind early on in the relationship to determine a girl's mettle?

How often would you want to see the same behaviour/hear similar stories to discard a girl as a potential long term mate?

 

[Franco]

lux7,

This wouldn't really phase me in the slightest.

It's important to take note of everything a girl says or does, but generally you want to take a story of a previous boyfriend with a grain of salt. You don't know what her past relationship was like and what other things happened between her and her boyfriend; you want to pay more attention to how she attempts to treat you.

I'm always observing a girl's actions when she's around me, and that's how I get a gist of what she would be like in a relationship. Whenever a woman tells me a story like that, all that it tells me is that she feels comfortable enough around me to share things that she probably wouldn't share with men that she feels would be offended by that type of thing. She sees you as rather non-judgmental, and that generally makes you more attractive.

It's always up to you how you wish to proceed, but stories about previous boyfriends where you aren't getting the full picture don't really tell me very much about the girl.

EDIT: I've been with a girlfriend for over two years now, and I still know basically nothing about her past boyfriends. The only thing I know is that she's had at least one at some point. It doesn't matter to me all that much because she's been fantastic with me.

- Franco

 

[Lotus]

Franco,

This post has been percolating on my mind and it feels slightly contradictory, but it makes complete sense. If your girl treats you well and is fantastic with you then why should her past matter at all.

I recently read one of chase's older articles on screening for relationship and he talks about how hard he screens about a girls past. Your comment makes me think you don't necessarily screen the same... because again, if your girl is awesome to you isn't that what matters.

Maybe this is a case of an article being posted with "training wheels" per se and as you learn and recognize how social dynamics work you tend to operate based on different rules.

I hope this is clear enough.

-Lotus

 

[Franco]

Lotus,

I recently read one of chase's older articles on screening for relationship and he talks about how hard he screens about a girls past. Your comment makes me think you don't necessarily screen the same... because again, if your girl is awesome to you isn't that what matters.

Maybe this is a case of an article being posted with "training wheels" per se and as you learn and recognize how social dynamics work you tend to operate based on different rules.

I know which post you're talking about, and I remember seeing the same thing. I'm not really sure how hard Chase screens potential girlfriends these days, but I imagine he has a pretty good idea of what he's looking for at this point.

I guess you could kind of say that it's like "training wheels," especially if you're not sure what you would want in a girlfriend. I was relatively social growing up, so it's pretty hard for a girl to pull the blinds over my eyes these days -- I know very early on what type of girl I'm dealing with, and I have a good grasp on what I'm looking for without having to dig through her past.

The benefit to not digging through her past is that it causes her to do the same thing and not dig through your past either (at least most of the time). This allows you to operate in a mode where she only knows what you're showing her, so if you're showing her the best side of you right then and there, then she's only going to know the best side of you.

- Franco

 

[Lotus]

Franco,

I know which post you're talking about, and I remember seeing the same thing. I'm not really sure how hard Chase screens potential girlfriends these days, but I imagine he has a pretty good idea of what he's looking for at this point.

I guess you could kind of say that it's like "training wheels," especially if you're not sure what you would want in a girlfriend. I was relatively social growing up, so it's pretty hard for a girl to pull the blinds over my eyes these days -- I know very early on what type of girl I'm dealing with, and I have a good grasp on what I'm looking for without having to dig through her past.

I grew up pretty social as well and I know fairly well what girls I will gel with and what girls I try to avoid. But at the same time this side of the social coin is only about a year old, so I'm not 100% confident in my own instincts. I'm in a weird stage when I am starting to trust my own judgement but don't want to stray to far into believing I "know it all".

The benefit to not digging through her past is that it causes her to do the same thing and not dig through your past either (at least most of the time). This allows you to operate in a mode where she only knows what you're showing her, so if you're showing her the best side of you right then and there, then she's only going to know the best side of you.

Yes, which is one of my favorite aspects of how we are taught to "run" things. Girls already tend to mirror but when we do it as well, you end up with two people on their best behavior. If my girlfriend new the extent of my past she would see me completely differently, but people that knew me then wouldn't even recognize me now. Knowing this about myself why should be able to judge another person based on their past.

Why care about the side of someone that isn't present currently and may never be again.

-Lotus

 

[lux7]

For the matter, I disagree, past stories do matter.

Yesterday she was Y with an ex and today she's X with you, so what should you care one might think?

But tomorrow the relationship dynamics might change and X behavior resurfaces.

The past doesn't equal the future, but it's an indicator.

 

[Franco]

lux7,

But tomorrow the relationship dynamics might change and X behavior resurfaces.

Possibly, although if you're attentive, any serious problems that could arise will likely be prevalent during the casual relationship phase, so it should be pretty straightforward to pinpoint. At the same time, how she treats or acts around one guy (who might be a "beta" male or a guy she doesn't respect) may be completely different from how she treats you.

I like to think that women see me in a different light from the males they've dated in the past, and based on the way I get treated by the females I spend sexual time with, it seems to be true. If it weren't true, then all of the girls who've dated me for a long period of time probably would be happily married with one of their ex-boyfriends.

- Franco