THINK QUICK! Girl proposes "hangout just a lil bit". Should I refuse?

[ThePhoenix]

 
Background

Kenyan girl I met at a Caribbean event a couple months back. Single mom, just finished an engineering degree. Very friendly in person and on the phone, but can get pretty flaky in text, and that has caused things to drag on, because when girls don't answer texts, I'll tend to leave them alone for a few days to a week or more, partly cuz I get busy on other shit and/or pursuing other women. We've talked a few times on the phone, but to be clear, this was only like 5 to 10 minutes each; I know better than to yap with girls on the phone for hours!

Logistics are also painful because she lives in another city. It's not extremely far, but not a trip one makes just on a whim. Neither of us have cars (I can't even drive for quite some time in my country, although ironically I could in fairly short order in hers), so it's a little harder. When this caused some friction, after this discussion I decided on offering to handle the Ubers, but she declined, not wanting me to incur such a cost, indicated she could get access to a car if she had advance notice, and even offered to pick me up from the train station. But some more time went by.

The Tuesday before last, I called her in the evening after 11 days of mutual silence. No answer, but called again the next afternoon and this time she called back shortly. After the initial pleasantries, she immediately asks, "Are you coming to [my city]?"

We set up a (first!) date for the Friday early afternoon, but she cancels in the morning and we go silent again.


Present Situation

Sunday early afternoon I try calling her (and two other girls). No answer. Then at 11:32pm I get this:

her:  Hi Sexy, how are you doing hun?

me:  I'm good.  We should get together soon.. long as u promise not to go TOO crazy  (;  Tomorrow's possible.. Tue's ok for sure

her:  Sounds like a plan.  Tuesday afternoon?

Ok, so this was good but I was a bit concerned about whether we'd be alone. When I first met her she was working from home and she had her child in daycare, so any morning or early afternoon date had the potential for a substantial window of time alone. But recently she started working nights, so I wasn't sure how daycare would work and suspected a daytime date had a strong potential for her toddler to be with us, which would in my imagination not be conducive to seduction even if I did get to her home.

I called her about 5 minutes later, now midnight, because I wanted to try to work out if there was potential to have her alone. She didn't answer so I texted:

me:  ok!  How is ur daycare situation now that ur working nights?

She did not answer this. Nothing from her over Monday at all.

Come Tuesday morning, much as I don't like asking for confirmation of a date (struck me as a weakling move ever since stumbling on this funny video), I'm also not too keen on just travelling out to her city, a long ways, after her not even answering that last text after well over a day. I usually go with providing the girl some additional detail in the morning, as an implicit way to tease out a flake without actually looking like I'm going for a confirmation. In this case, the best I could do was:

10:14am, me:  Morning Clara!  Let me know your schedule today so we can figure out a time

11:35am, her:  Hi hun, I will be in [another city] doing my hair
11:35am, her:  It needs a revamp a lil bit.

I actually mostly believe her. Black women spend an inordinate amount of time making their hair long and straight. Well, to be more accurate, sewing long and straight hair onto their heads. FUCK THESE WHITEWASHED BEAUTY STANDARDS. FUCK ALL THEM <censored> RACIST <censored> THAT FUCKED UP THE WORLD LIKE THIS. I'd exclusively hit on black girls wearing their hair out natural, if only those weren't such a small minority. Ugh.

As you can probably tell, she hit a nerve with this. (On top of being a little disappointed.) I was having a really hard time deciding how I should handle this adroitly or if I should just pretend she had said she's doing her taxes. But soon she would at least spare me from that dilemma:

11:37am, her:  How does Thursday night at 7pm sound like. I won't be going to work then but I can hangout just a lil bit if that's okay? I will be having company dinner with my colleagues at 5-7 then I can meet up with you. How does that sound like

I didn't know quite how to handle this. On one hand she's trying to offer a definite reschedule, which seems good in that obviously she doesn't want me to take the flake as disinterest. But what's with the "just a lil bit"!?

To me, it sounds like her proposal is not conducive to seduction. Or... is this a "just a lil bit" that turns into a sleepover?

My instinct is kind of telling me to refuse and instead try getting a date on better terms, but at once I'm unsure if it's really a useless date or not. Now really confused, I decided to go non-commital so that maybe the option is still open in case you guys think this is workable:

3:40pm, me:  Thu may be a bit tight. Where were you thinking of meeting?

She has not answered thus far. (I tend to make better progress with this girl when I call her, for some reason.)

What do y'all think I should do? (Apart from get other women, which I'm trying too!)

 

[Seppuku]

Phoenix,

I don't like it. The initial idea was Tuesday afternoon, but now it has shifted to after 7pm. She changed the initial terms. Plus, she will be meeting colleagues 5 to 7. What are the chances that it actually extends over 7? What are you going to do at 7 if she says she's still with the colleagues? And if I understand she works at night? So you would be squeezed between "after her colleagues", and "before her night shift"? Are you going to end up with 30 minutes face time?

If it was me, I would decline. And I would (gently) call her out on changing the initial terms. "We said we would meet in the afternoon." Good opportunity to show you have standards. Show her (gently) you don't appreciate to have been pushed lower in the priority queue.

In general I don't like when she baits you into meeting, then unilaterally shifts the terms. It is an open door to abuse. Don't open the door to that. It may also be a test. You let yourself squeezed for 30 minutes face time in between colleagues and work? Test failed.

Better to leave it here for now, then re-engage after a week or so.

Seppuku
EDIT. I missed the fact that the date was moved to Thursday. But it doesn't change a thing. Don't let yourself trapped after the colleagues date.

 

[ThePhoenix]

Hey Seppuku,

Thank you for confirming my suspicion!

...And if I understand she works at night? So you would be squeezed between "after her colleagues", and "before her night shift"?...

My reading of her text was that she's not working on that particular day/night, but maybe I'm just being optimistic? Anyway, if I take her words "just a lil bit" at face value, in one way or another it's bad.

If it was me, I would decline. And I would (gently) call her out on changing the initial terms. "We said we would meet in the afternoon." Good opportunity to show you have standards. Show her (gently) you don't appreciate to have been pushed lower in the priority queue.

Yeah, I should've done that. I need more backbone with women! They have a little more power than they should because I don't get a lot of opportunities generally, which I need to fix. It's a bit of a catch-22 because opportunity is far easier to procure when your mind has experienced abundance (which I'm convinced they can detect). But I'm still pushing because I know it gets easier after some initial "lucky breaks".

I wonder if it is too late to call her out now. I could possibly write on Wednesday:

Clara, sorry, can't do Thu. Let's save it for another time when we both have more time. I'd prefer for us not to be rushed.

In a way I'd rather that over leaving it in the position of my having left the possibility open and her having not answered my query for more detail. On the other hand, it might seem a bit forced now, especially after she didn't answer the last message.

In general I don't like when she baits you into meeting, then unilaterally shifts the terms. It is an open door to abuse.

Wow, I'd never have considered that angle... we barely know each other! lol. I'd at least like to think I'm too divorced of monogamy in order to tolerate abuse from a woman, particularly one who is below my perfect ideal.

But it's a reminder that abusive people don't necessarily appear ill-intended on the surface. Well, likely they don't even mean it consciously.

Thanks again!
Phoenix

 

[Seppuku]

It's a bit of a catch-22 because opportunity is far easier to procure when your mind has experienced abundance (which I'm convinced they can detect).

Yes they absolutely can. They normally have a very good idea of where the guy stands. But it's no reason to give up. You are on the right track!

Wow, I'd never have considered that angle... we barely know each other! lol.

It's not coming from ill intent. View it as a test. She's testing your tolerance to being walked all over you. They are always testing you! Just say no, and she will respect you more for it.

Seppuku

 

[ThePhoenix]

It's not coming from ill intent. View it as a test. She's testing your tolerance to being walked all over you. They are always testing you! Just say no, and she will respect you more for it.

For a sec I thought you meant she might be abusive in the more onerous sense, like how my buddy's babymother would constantly yell at him, tell him he's a terrible father etc. (when actually she was barely a mother). Well, if we're just talking about tests, then it's just business as usual.

So, I'll probably send the polite decline due to being too rushed. Hopefully it's not "too little too late", or too forced, but at least I don't look like I was just helplessly accepting her terms.

Cheers,
Phoenix

 

[Fuck This]

Anytime you are travelling to a girl, your frame should be "Hey, I'm going to be in your town for "something else". I'd love to get together, but if it doesn't work I've got other things I can do."

I have had women drop their plans to make time for me to come crash at their house as I travelled through. My time and attention is a scarce commodity, and should be treated as such.

Remember there is a horny single woman somewhere tonight who would be more than happy to spend the night with you. It is up to you to cultivate that audience .