- Joined
- Jul 26, 2018
- Messages
- 434
Why is it that some men are able to over come their approach anxiety, while others cannot? If it’s just a matter of experience, and we all know it… then why aren’t they taking the action?
Over ten years as a coach, having taught at least one hundred bootcamps, I’ve seen many men transform themselves, while others remain the same. Until recently I hadn’t put much thought into why. I just taught my class, and moved onto the next.
Many of my coach friends who teach “masculinity” just throw out the “You gotta grow balls and man up!” mantra, and that’s it. Either you have the drive, or you don’t.
Pickup advice mostly teaches mindset (positivity, growth focused, action taking), and tactics (verbal game, fashion and grooming, physical game, etc), but very rarely does it explore the deeper questions of “why?”
Why do you still suck at pickup?
Why do you still have approach anxiety?
Why are you still not taking action?
Why do you want to learn this?
Where one student goes on to sleeping with many beautiful women, and developing healthy relationships… others take a bootcamp, have a short term boost and then slip back into old habits.
The answer I’m working on, is a question of motivation. Namely, intrinsic, vs extrinsic.
The guys who do good, have a very powerful intrinsic motivator. They can vividly see their path, and goal… while the dabblers only have a vague idea, an abstract concept: “I’d like to be more social/meet more girls/find a wife material/have some sex.”
I’ve had other men when I ask why, they say “My family wants me to get married” (extrinsic) but mostly, they don’t have a clue. They’re just lonely. “Why are you lonely?” (Deeper)
“Because I don’t have a girl.”
“Why do you need a girl?” (Deeper)
For these hard case men, it doesn’t matter how many bootcamps they take (technique and mindset), how many articles they read, or courses they study… they won’t change because they don’t know the why.
Not only do they not know their motivations… they don’t know themselves. I can ask a simple question like “What words you you use to describe yourself?” The character they develop, has no congruency with the character they’re aiming to portray (a lover of women). They don’t even have a vision for their own identity now, never mind the version coming after the transformation. They don’t know who they are, or how their mind works. Yet they want to master the art of influencing others, of charm.
If you’re one of these guys, I’d suggest that rather than looking for a new technique, or role model, you explore the nature of your core, motivational systems.
Answer this question:
When have you chosen a goal, felt passion, and taken massive action to achieve that goal? Was it in career? In sports? Was it academic, or spiritual in nature? Picture this, remember it, and ask yourself, what did you want?
Was it money? Why? To buy what?
Muscles? For who? Yourself, or to look good for someone else?
For respect? Why do you feel you need respect? Did someone disrespect you?
For sex? Have you felt a lack of sexual experience in your life?
When you moved towards that goal, what did the vision look like? What movie did you play in your head, that was so bright, so powerful, that you were unable to remain still. You had to move towards it.
Are you driven to physical activity, or intellectual? Are you someone who loves the smell of food, and eating it… or researching, shopping, preparing and cooking? Do you like to serve, or lead? Create or consume?
A hypnotherapist or NLP expert might try visualization techniques to give you the feeling of ambition, but will nearly always fail to motivate to long term, continuous action if the client’s goals aren’t in clear alignment with their true motivations.
So for those of you who are into pickup, but you aren’t approaching nearly enough to gain experience needed for core change… you may need to do some serious deep, inner game work. You may need to discover what actually motivates you, and why you want to learn pickup in the first place.
I make a case, that most men don’t really want to be excellent at game… they want love, power, intimacy, self-respect, external validation, a sense of purpose, a skill.
When your core values don’t align with your goals, motivation fails. This is why so many of us fall into ideologies, religions, and cults. We don’t need to develop our own vision, or rely on intrinsic motivation… we have the Supreme Leader for that. He can tell us what to do… and we don’t need to know why. March!
Many of these men are well conditioned followers. They’ve always been, because somewhere in their core motivation is a deep need for companionship, or recognition.
The men I know who excel at pickup, many of them are motivated more by writing lay reports than getting laid. Many of them just want a score sheet, like travelling to 30 countries in 30 days. Not judging these motivations, but at least they know themselves well enough to utilize them.
What were my core motivations? What drove me to approach thousands of women, without a second thought? That’s easy… I wanted the experience of making love to beautiful young women. I dreamt about it since I was six years old. Not just sex, but intimacy. When I learned about social dynamics, pickup, seduction… I saw it as a form of magic that would grant me access to truth. One of my core values is “truth.” That’s why I’m a writer. I want to know the truth about things that will bring me closer to my goals.
So ask yourself this. What do you think truly motivates you? Start digging.
Over ten years as a coach, having taught at least one hundred bootcamps, I’ve seen many men transform themselves, while others remain the same. Until recently I hadn’t put much thought into why. I just taught my class, and moved onto the next.
Many of my coach friends who teach “masculinity” just throw out the “You gotta grow balls and man up!” mantra, and that’s it. Either you have the drive, or you don’t.
Pickup advice mostly teaches mindset (positivity, growth focused, action taking), and tactics (verbal game, fashion and grooming, physical game, etc), but very rarely does it explore the deeper questions of “why?”
Why do you still suck at pickup?
Why do you still have approach anxiety?
Why are you still not taking action?
Why do you want to learn this?
Where one student goes on to sleeping with many beautiful women, and developing healthy relationships… others take a bootcamp, have a short term boost and then slip back into old habits.
The answer I’m working on, is a question of motivation. Namely, intrinsic, vs extrinsic.
The guys who do good, have a very powerful intrinsic motivator. They can vividly see their path, and goal… while the dabblers only have a vague idea, an abstract concept: “I’d like to be more social/meet more girls/find a wife material/have some sex.”
I’ve had other men when I ask why, they say “My family wants me to get married” (extrinsic) but mostly, they don’t have a clue. They’re just lonely. “Why are you lonely?” (Deeper)
“Because I don’t have a girl.”
“Why do you need a girl?” (Deeper)
For these hard case men, it doesn’t matter how many bootcamps they take (technique and mindset), how many articles they read, or courses they study… they won’t change because they don’t know the why.
Not only do they not know their motivations… they don’t know themselves. I can ask a simple question like “What words you you use to describe yourself?” The character they develop, has no congruency with the character they’re aiming to portray (a lover of women). They don’t even have a vision for their own identity now, never mind the version coming after the transformation. They don’t know who they are, or how their mind works. Yet they want to master the art of influencing others, of charm.
If you’re one of these guys, I’d suggest that rather than looking for a new technique, or role model, you explore the nature of your core, motivational systems.
Answer this question:
When have you chosen a goal, felt passion, and taken massive action to achieve that goal? Was it in career? In sports? Was it academic, or spiritual in nature? Picture this, remember it, and ask yourself, what did you want?
Was it money? Why? To buy what?
Muscles? For who? Yourself, or to look good for someone else?
For respect? Why do you feel you need respect? Did someone disrespect you?
For sex? Have you felt a lack of sexual experience in your life?
When you moved towards that goal, what did the vision look like? What movie did you play in your head, that was so bright, so powerful, that you were unable to remain still. You had to move towards it.
Are you driven to physical activity, or intellectual? Are you someone who loves the smell of food, and eating it… or researching, shopping, preparing and cooking? Do you like to serve, or lead? Create or consume?
A hypnotherapist or NLP expert might try visualization techniques to give you the feeling of ambition, but will nearly always fail to motivate to long term, continuous action if the client’s goals aren’t in clear alignment with their true motivations.
So for those of you who are into pickup, but you aren’t approaching nearly enough to gain experience needed for core change… you may need to do some serious deep, inner game work. You may need to discover what actually motivates you, and why you want to learn pickup in the first place.
I make a case, that most men don’t really want to be excellent at game… they want love, power, intimacy, self-respect, external validation, a sense of purpose, a skill.
When your core values don’t align with your goals, motivation fails. This is why so many of us fall into ideologies, religions, and cults. We don’t need to develop our own vision, or rely on intrinsic motivation… we have the Supreme Leader for that. He can tell us what to do… and we don’t need to know why. March!
Many of these men are well conditioned followers. They’ve always been, because somewhere in their core motivation is a deep need for companionship, or recognition.
The men I know who excel at pickup, many of them are motivated more by writing lay reports than getting laid. Many of them just want a score sheet, like travelling to 30 countries in 30 days. Not judging these motivations, but at least they know themselves well enough to utilize them.
What were my core motivations? What drove me to approach thousands of women, without a second thought? That’s easy… I wanted the experience of making love to beautiful young women. I dreamt about it since I was six years old. Not just sex, but intimacy. When I learned about social dynamics, pickup, seduction… I saw it as a form of magic that would grant me access to truth. One of my core values is “truth.” That’s why I’m a writer. I want to know the truth about things that will bring me closer to my goals.
So ask yourself this. What do you think truly motivates you? Start digging.
