This seems to be the right place... please help me figure out my girl..

[Omega87]

A little background: I started dating my ex-girlfriend when I was 20 years old. She was shy, sweet and we had a really love filled relationship. We dated 6 and a half years, and broke up in August. Over the past year or so I had been drifting towards being more free, spontaneous, having more fun and adventure in my life. She went in some other direction and our directions didn't jive. Oh well.

I was single for a month (I know). In that month I found a hookup buddy. She wasn't a 10 but I was just curious about smashing an unfamiliar pussy and it was fun I guess. Another highlight was I went to the strip club for the first time in my life, and took home a stripper, I'm pretty proud of that.

After a month I sat down after work across from this beautiful spanish girl (new hire), absolutely a 10. For some reason I was feeling overly confident and played it cool, I flirted, got to know her we were summoned by the gay guy to head to a place for some more drinks. It was a tuesday so I wasn't anticipating any of this. I had a bottle of wine in my bag and waited til she was ready to leave to play that card, it worked. Finally we ended up at a bar by ourselves and chatted, got close, and eventually I leaned it 90 and now we've been dating for 3 months.

This girl can be tons of fun, but she is crazy. I think I'm doing a lot of things right and a lot of things wrong. My last relationship was so easy and I'm beginning to appreciate that a little more. But I don't want to let it go because I feel like I'm learning so much about how to deal with women from her. It's kind of fun. There are feelings between us for sure, but she's thrown so much shit in my direction it feels like 1 step forward 2 steps back.

Here's the thing, I think I have made some mistakes that have decreased her sexual attraction in me. I still have her, she's scared shitless I'm going to break up with her half the time. But she's a very sexual girl, and I can see that my role in her life is fulfilling her emotional boyfriend need more than her sexual need. I don't like that.

I've got a few things going for me: 1) I am a good looking guy and she knows there are (and would be if I was single) several women interested in me. 2) I am easily detached when she has tantrums, and talks about breaking up etc. I always remain calm and let it run its course until she feels stupid and apologizes 3) I'll be ok if we end up breaking up and I think she senses that. 4) I do a lot of things well, like compliance tests, not reacting to her shit tests, I'm fairly confident and I've romanced her enough to keep her interest level high. 5) I have a large enough penis that she brags to her friends about it (which is misleading cause she isn't using it).

The problem is she is confusing the shit out of me and we're not having enough sex. The sex we have had is good, she's actually scared that I think she's bad in bed. But either way I know I've done something to decrease her sexual interest, and here are my best theories:

1) She knows that she is more experienced than me, and occasionally she'll make fun of me for that and say she thinks it's cute, I have no reply. She puts a lot of her self worth in the sexual experience she has in the past, and its true, I was in a long ass relationship and don't have as much.

2) I'm too available, and I'm guilty if putting way too much time into her over the past few months and not into my life.

3) I continuously fall for her boyfriend tests when she asks if I see us together in this many months, a year etc. and all the other crap.

4) I am actually a really nice guy, and I'm probably too nice. She has threatened to break up with me probably 20 times now (I always tell her to go through with it if she wants), in her fits she's threatened to sleep with other guys, call her ex, and any other awful thing you can think of. Yet, I'm still with her...

I feel like I'm only a pushover by not breaking up with her, but I'm not done yet, I'm still strangely enjoying this ride, but I want her to want to have sex with me.

A lot of the articles here are about picking up girls. Well I need to know how to get this girls sexual interest back to where it was. I have the advantage in that there are feelings involved, she is loyal and committed and doesn't want to lose me. I have the disadvantage of not being able to approach it fresh, we have been together all the time.

This was too long and I'm sorry.

tl;dr I think my hot girlfriend has lost some sexual interest in me and I need and want to get it back.

 

[Ktowndub]

I've got a few things going for me: 1) I am a good looking guy and she knows there are (and would be if I was single) several women interested in me.

...

Looks are not the important factor in a man, to a woman.. Do you make her smile?? Do you make her laugh?? Is she comfortable around you?? ... That's what is important.. Cause no matter what, if you and her went your separate ways, she can find other guys faster than you can find other girls..

I am easily attached when she has tantrums

You say that, but then you go on to say that you are too available...

"You continuously fall for her boyfriend test"... She has you and she knows it.. (I think you do too)..

"She has threatened to break up with me probably 20 times now (I tell her to go thru with it if she wants)... You should end it before she does...

"In her fits she's threatened to sleep with other guys, call her ex.." ..... She probably already has and she's looking for justification..

"I've romanced her enough to keep her interest level high".... This is an ongoing challenge, you will never romance her enough.. And obviously if you have, then you wouldn't be concerned about her interest level. You would know that it was still high.

There are a few other things I could comment on here, but I think that you already know the answer.. If you kneel going the way you are, you are going to lose her. Only, she will be the one to make the decision and then you will most likely go into strong chase mode and repel her even further. Truth is, if she has lost it, she has lost it and the only way she will find it again is if you distance yourself and make her realize what she truly wants. But, you can not do this half assed.. You need to get back control of this situation and lead. Women want a man. They don't want a pushover..

Is this your rebound relationship?? If so,, don't try to hang on to it.. I know that you want to, but IMO, if you dated your last gf for 6 1/2 years, then you haven't allowed yourself time to deal with that separation and find out who you are again and find out what life without compromise is all about. You need to re establish yourself and find out who you truly are before you can try to share yourself with another woman..

Good luck friend

 

[Drck]

It is always important to have a solid frame. One way to get it is experience, you are simply around different girls for longer time, perhaps years, and by interacting with them you are learning their reactions, expectations, behavior...

The other way is to have somehow conscious frame. Understanding what you are doing, observing her behavior and acting accordingly. GC is a great source, it simply compresses the experience of different guys from years to just several months...

So what's the frame? It is all over the place here on GC, and it is perhaps impossible to summarize it into couple of sentences.

You somehow want to be a man. Do manly and masculine things, exercise, lift weights... I know it sounds like a cliche, but it is important.

You want to be solid, dominant, leading. But what does that mean? Well, you make a decision and that is it, no compromises. You stand by it no matter what (hey, I didn't say make stupid decisions). You want to go to a movie? Go ahead - with or without her, regardless what she says or does. You want to finish college degree? Go ahead - regardless whether she sticks around or not. You got better job offer? Well, take it, let her follow you, or let her leave...

You want to be somehow emotionally distant, not so emotionally available. Girls have lots of emotions, they can go up and down several times per day. Who cares? Let her be emotional, let her be a girl. You don't want to even notice those emotions. You want to realize perhaps a week later, with "Huh? What was that about again?"

You of course want to have sex, be physical... you want to get as much as you can, and so on. She should be compliant, if not, well, don't let her manipulate you by denying you sex. She should simply know there are other girls, and she should work hard to keep you (of course within limits, once you have a good GF who you plan to keep for long time, you don't want to fool around with other girls, because she would dump you)...

Next, you don't get clingy and needy. You don't chase, and don't ever show any fucking drama. You go out, you want to have fun. You meet a girl - is she going to join you? Will she have fun with you? Great. If not, well, you simply walk away and still have fun, perhaps with another girl...

And so on. Basically you don't want to get on her level, don't let her "drag you in" with her emotions. She can manipulate many guys with emotions, the more she can manipulate you the less she is attracted to you. So focus on your frame, not on her emotions.

So this is your life, and girls are attracted to guys who live in this kind of frame, who live this lifestyle. Does that mean that if you don't exercise and don't lift weights, and if you are not dominant enough that you don't get laid? Of course not. But you simply maximize your chances, you increase your attractiveness, you increase your independence....

Now, once you have a girlfriend for several months or years - why would you want to change that frame? You don't want to change it, you want to keep it, improve it. You still want to be dominant and independent, you still want to make decisions and choices, you still want to be in charge - no matter what she does or says. You don't want to cave in into her emotions, that is a weakness. By this time she should be well adjusted to your frame - you are leading and she is following. She can walk away if she doesn't like it, and she should know that you will not chase. The chances that she won't walk away from you are high, she knows very well that she will have to look very hard to find another guy like this. On the other hand, some girls are strong enough and they do walk away, and that could hurt...

So who cares if she's got more experience than you? Laugh with her first, and then make her do stuff for you she's never done. This way she can gain even more experience.

Who cares that she is throwing tantrum? Just say "whatever", and walk away. Let her come after you, chances are quite high that she will. Who cares that she wants to break up with you 10 times, or 30 times? Say "whatever", and walk away.

So you are already doing lots of good things, you know your flaws, so just keep improving them...

 

[Omega87]

Thank you both for the sound advice.

What has worked wonders over the past few days has been re-establishing focus on my career goals.

Had a nice moment yesterday, I had planned to spend the day working on projects, but she wasn't feeling well so I went to her place for a couple of hours, brought her some soup and hung out. Then it was time for me to leave. She wanted me to stay and asked what I had to do that was so important. I explained to her my plans for my work, and she said I was just making excuses because I wanted to leave. I said "No, if I didn't want to see you I wouldn't have come over at all, but instead I put my work aside, brought you soup and hung out for two hours until you felt better, now I have work to do and you need to respect that".

I had been putting too much time and focus into the relationship, I could see a shift in her after just that one remark. I big part of this though is that I meant what I said, I wasn't playing a game, I was a little fired up that she didn't seem to respect my work and I calmly put an end to it.