Threat to my relationship?

[IgnatiusReilly]

Hey guys, long time lurker, first time poster here.

I'm in a bit of an odd situation with my girlfriend and I wanted a little bit of advice, if anyone's got some to spare

Since the beginning of February I have been in a sexual relationship with a girl I spent the winter working with. We had been friends for a year or so before this while she was dating another guy. It's a long, separate story of how I landed her - but needless to say, when she came back on the market, EVERYONE came at her (she is stunningly beautiful, and a terrific athlete. Also, I live in a ski town, if any of you know what the male/female dynamics there are like). I was cool and mysterious enough that, while I flirted with her and made my interest clear, I was "different" from everyone else, and she ended up chasing pretty hard. The first month was bliss - really good sex, skiing and in general quality time. Although we spent a good deal of time together, it was pretty casual; she did tell me she loved me within a few weeks, though.

After the first month, an obstacle seemed to manifest itself. She was out at an in-town concert with a bunch of my roommates (I was exhausted from work but told her to go ahead and have fun), whereupon she ran into a friend of hers. This guy, I guess, fancied himself a contender, and there was a bit of a spark there from when she was in her previous relationship. Later that week she confessed that she might have feelings for him. We were still pretty casual at that point, and I calmly told her that I understood, that she should do what she needs to do, but that I knew I had options and I wasn't going to just wait around while she explored hers. I went on with my life; she ended up hanging out with this kid for a week or so, culminating in him buying her a fancy dinner and kissing her but that's it. She gave him the let's-just-be-friends speech and told me, with sincerity, that she wanted to be in a real relationship with me.

The next few months have been pretty solid. We've spent quality time together, had good sex, and generally became more comfortable with space/time apart attendant to a maturing relationship. I give her the freedom to do what she wants and don't get jealous if another guy talks to her when we're out (I will, however, step in if she's being harassed or bothered). This girl gets A TON of attention from other guys, but I just laugh it off since I know that they tend to just make me look better.

There have been a few issues with her religion, however. She was raised in a devout Catholic family; I was raised Methodist but tend to be agnostic. From time to time she gets SUPER guilty about what we do together (namely, general hedonism and premarital sex). Every time this has happened, I have remained respectful of her beliefs and made clear that we could end it if our relationship causes her this much stress. I push away slightly, spend some time with my friends, and she comes running back and fucks me a few days later.

Lately, however, she has been spending more time with the guy from before. She says she just wants to be friends with him, and I am nothing but encouraging since I genuinely want her to have healthy platonic relationships outside of our thing. This guy is tall and attractive, but I have him beat pretty much everywhere (intelligence, ambition, college education/general life prospects, etc). Where I am calm and confident, he is aggressive, irascible, and incredibly jealous. Normally I would not even need to post here about this, EXCEPT:

He also happens to be a pretty hardcore Christian, to the point of not having penetrative sex. I am worried that this aspect of her friendship with him will be my undoing, since I am tolerant of religion but do NOT share her type of convictions. It saddens me to think that one difference like this will make up for everything I have to offer - I am a great guy, have always done well with girls, and all in all believe I am a hell of a catch.

I just got back from a really fun trip to Las Vegas with my roommates. While I was there, we spoke a few times (she initiated texting pretty much every day) but I focused on having fun in the city and made clear my desire for her to have fun back home without me. She's hung out with this guy pretty often while I was gone. I'd never make this type of insecurity known to her, but part of me is kind of concerned she's decided "oh, he's not so bad." I'm worried when I see her today she's going to tell me as much. I know you guys will probably laugh at me for this, but this shit scares me.

I don't know if I should feel ashamed coming her like this, but I'm from the Northeast and have never had to deal with this kind of stuff before. Like I said, I do pretty well with girls, but this is completely uncharted territory for me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Franco]

IR,

If you want my opinion, I actually don't think you have too much to worry about at the moment.

The issues start arising when you suddenly find yourself being the one to contact her to spend time together, and she starts declining those offers. If you find your girl suddenly not wanting to spend time with you, that's when it's time to get a bit suspicious.

That being said, when you have an attractive girl on you arm, you have to be prepared to have other (attractive) suitors hitting on your girl and attempting to woo her over. To be honest, I don't really see the religion difference being a problem unless she asks you to move things forward in one regard (i.e. she wants to get married soon so that she can feel better about the sex between you two) and you decline those suggestions too frequently. If she's religious, she's going to feel extreme pressure to at least conform to the more important aspects of her religion that she feels are necessary to her not feeling like she's betraying her own beliefs. So just be willing to be open with her and discuss what things about her religion are really important to her to the point where she needs to "check them off of her list" to be with you. Keep in mind that this is the type of territory that comes along with dating a very religious woman.

Anyway, again, I wouldn't worry too much about the other guy unless you suddenly notice a decline in her wanting to spend time with you. Make sure to also not neglect her needs; spending time with your friends and encouraging her to do the same is fine, but if you get the feeling she really wants to spend time with you, but she feels like you just want to do your own thing and not spend time with her, you can accidentally shoot yourself in the foot and make her want a man who will spend more time with her (which is something you definitely don't want to do when your competition is a guy who is obviously offering to provide exactly that: lots of time with her). Make sure you have a balance between your life and hers. You should be attempting to see her at least once a week, even if you have a very busy schedule, so that she knows that you're willing to go a little out of your way to make her happy.

Hope this helps!

- Franco

 

[IgnatiusReilly]

Franco,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply! I am feeling a little better although there are a few lingering doubts.

First of all,

That being said, when you have an attractive girl on you arm, you have to be prepared to have other (attractive) suitors hitting on your girl and attempting to woo her over.

So true! Doubly true in a ski town with a pretty awful (5:1) male to female ratio. I lost my last girlfriend this way; thankfully, that was a few years ago and I've become a much more confident and secure person since then.

We HAVE been spending less time together, although I believe that's more of a consequence of our relationship growing and maturing. When we started, it was still winter and we were natural and perfect ski buddies (she can actually keep up!). If anything, we probably hung out more than I would have liked (since I was trying to keep it kinda slow). It's reached a pretty comfortable middle ground since then (about 3-4 times a week, maybe more). I don't really blow her off when she wants to hang out, although yes, maybe I should try and spend more time with her. She did text me yesterday asking when I was coming back, and told me she missed me. We planned to see each other today, and she texted me, but hasn't answered her calls or anything yet.

Which I guess leads me to my biggest doubt, at the moment. Whenever she hangs around with this kid she suddenly gets REALLY bad at answering her phone in any capacity. She ALWAYS responds later, but it's like she just drops off the face of the planet whenever she's around him. I suspect that, based on her present behavior, she might be doing that now. Don't get me wrong, I trust the girl, and I don't think she's gonna do anything physical, but it's fucking me up a little bit.

Then again, maybe he came at her with some kind of HE'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU HE DOESN'T EVEN LOVE YOU desperate ultimatum today, and she's just trying to get him to chill the fuck out and be friends with her like she always wanted. That's happened before, and I know it just makes him look really, really dumb.