FU tinder, huge window missed so i could exercise my funny muscles

[lao che]

very interesting convo i had last night. but i doubted myself, second-guessed myself and also got a little paranoid

me: hello saffron. you look like a shy girl.

saffron: i guess looks are not deceivng in my case. hello yourself ben

me:actually i'm not really ben [my tinder name is the name of a popular meme] you can call me lao che.

saffron: nice to meet you lao che. call me luanne.

me: luanne .. is it an old picture?

luanne: march

me: you look like a frighetned child. i mean no offense.

luanne: haha i know. i was a virgin until april this year.maybe that's why (well, that escalated quickly

me: that would explain it. thoses balled up fists

luanne: it's how all 29yo virgins ball their fists

me: you just needed a huge release of energy

luanne: i do yesss. i really do. (how can i fail?) i lost it to an asshole.

me: on purpose?

luanne: it was NOT an enjoyable experience. (surely this is game on)

me: i'm sorry to hear that.

me: and since?

luanne: by force, actually

me: oh, i see [well ... now what? acknowledge, but don't dwell on it, change subject]


me: i hesitate to use the word asshole.

luanne: oh yeah?

me: i mean, i'm kind of an asshole (i want to be right up front and clear about myself)

luanne: Whaaaa?

me: but never would hurt a girl.

luanne: well at least you didn't steal someone's virginity. you're not an asshole, lao che

me: that's my best quality. what's your best quality

luanne: kindness. not sure if it's a quality in today's world.

me: some people will take advantage of that. can you bring some beers over, please?

luanne: yes. haha also i don't drink. but you can

(should have jumped on this immediately but i wanted more framing and connection with her first. not just "hey girl who's talking to me and seems to desperately want dick, here's my address"


I SWITCH TO VOICE TO CHECK SHE'S REAL.

me: luanne. where do you live?

luanne: lao che i live in the XXX area. and this is my first tinder audio message. giggles

me: well, holy shit what a sexy voice you have. hey, luanne, let me ask you a question

luanne: haha uhm sure ask away

now my plan here was to find out real quick by voice whether or not she's crazy. then invite her over quick smart.

me: well there will be more than one question but question 1 is "are you mental?"

then i listened back to it and i started second-guessing myself. thinking this poor girl got raped a few months ago and now i'm accusing her of being crazy, she's not gonna get my humour". so i clarify -

me: "like are you crazy, a crazy girl? like in a bad way?"

NOW I'M SAYING THIS IN MY SEXY VOICE AND I THOUGHT SHE'D GET IT AND SAY "NOPE I'M NOT CRAZY HAHA" AND I WOULD KNOW FROM HER VOICE WHETHER SHE WAS CRAZY OR NOT. THEN I'D SAY COOL, LET'S MEET.
BUT I OVERTHUNK IT AND THOUGHT SHE MIGHT BE REALLY FRAGILE FROM HAVING BEEN RAPED, SO I THOUGHT I HAD TO "REPAIR THE DAMAGE" SO I RAMBLED ON, BUT THIS TIME IN TEXT

me: because you sounds awesome. and you seem quite cool. and i wanna see if inviting you over will cause a problem for me.
i also need to know if you're hideously ugly, or deformed in some way... because that picture was taken a long time ago

she responds by voice, and she's loving it

luanne: hahaha john i'm not crazy. i'm not mental. [she totally sounds mental, probably nerves] not in a bad way, anyway. nor am i deformed or hideously ugly. she's cracking up with laughter.i love your accent. so you're a brit?

me: you certainly have a good sense of humour.

luanne: i'd be mental if i didn't have one.

me: alright you've passed some of my safety tests


she's laughing her ass off now

luanne: you're so funny you're name's bugs bunny

me: and your sense of humour is within acceptable parameters. your reading comprehension is off, though. my name's ben, not bugs bunny [bunny emoji]

luanne: haha so cute. ben, you're right, my reading comprehension is completely off. nice to meet you ben. mm my name's luanna.

me: well, hi luanna. in fact my name's lao che. chinese people call me xxx but you can call me lao che. nice to meet you, luanna.
hey, luanna, you wanna come over?

luanna: lao che, we've already established i'm not a crazy girl. i can't come over, man...

[this girl's voice... she sounds like my buddy from upstate new york. she sound's like zoe kravitz. fascinating. but because it's weird tinder convos i get paranoid. the way she talks sounds so familiar i think it's some kind of prank.]

luanna: at least not right now. i know, you're .. australian haha. i'm a huge steve irwin fan and i'm an amateur entymologist

me: hey a girl can be not crazy in a bad way but crazy in a good way

luanna: and i'm knackered right now. i'm exhausted. and it's back to the grindstone tomorrow. i start work at 8.... crazy in a good way. i i i'm working on that..... do you know "koala bar"

me: i'm really not australian.

luanna: but do you know koala bar?

me: tell me, koala bar?

luanna: it was nice meeting you, lao che. i uh i'm gonna bid you goodnight.

(WTF and she sounds pissed like i did something wrong, e.g. not jumping on windows of opportunity. but then ..

luanna: as i'm knackered. i'm exhausted. koala bar is a really nice hangout. um i've only been once though... yeah um with a friend.
bars are awkward places for me, coz i don't drink. but anyway... i i i think you'd enjoy it. .... her voice trails off... perhaps we could.... meet up there sometime


me: oh you're afraid. of course. you don't know me at all

(i often just assume that people understand that i'm a good guy, even if they couldn't know that at all so that's what i was doing here. yeah, come over, you know me well enough, no problem! it's cool. but of course not from her point of view, she doesn't know i'm not gonna hurt her.)

me: i can hear it in your voice. you souinds like a movie actress, like zoe kravitz. anyway, i won't keep you, good night luanna.

pretty sure i'd lost it by then and just kept digging my hole deeper. but maybe i'm wrong, maybe she did need the comfort and chat rather than just a "cool let's hook up"


woke up in the morning to messages and a picture of a not crazy or hideously deformed shy girl. guess i'll go meet her at the bar. or better yet find a bar of my choosing