Tips on Gracefully Exiting a Conversation

[Gram]

I recently read the really great post on plowing which discusses whether to plow or bow out when a girl is not showing interest. WIA gives some great ideas on why one should plow and that is to use it as a way to test and improve your game, learn some lessons, etc.

But when the conversation does start to get stale, and I want to bow out, does anyone have any good methods on how to bail while keeping the option open for further discussion, say if I run into the person later in the night?

Example: I am mingling with a social circle where there are people I know and people on the periphery that I don't know well. I want to get social momentum and eventually move to a target after working the room (so to speak). Somehow though, I get stuck in a conversation. I tend to wait for a long lull and then find a way to say "Well, I am headed over to XYZ. Good talking with you."

But these feels too late and any mystery and tension are gone. Sure, I could plow through and try to get tension and interest back, but I'm really interesting in leaving earlier and on a higher note so that I leave with more social momentum and the other person walks away saying "That was really interesting."

Could be my conversation skills are dull but I do feel I get positive feedback...it is just that the conversations are too long and I'd like to show some leadership in recognizing when it needs to be ended, and then gracefully bowing out before it saps my social momentum. I generally don't know where I am going to go next but I still need to leave the current convo.

Any ideas or suggestions on what I can say to end the conversation on a high note, even when I don't know where my next step in the social circle will be?

 

[Gram]

I hate to answer my own question but I had some ideas about this and wanted to get them on paper.

1. Thinking about the social circle dynamic, especially at a mingling dont-know-you-well event. It is good to have a gameplan on which to execute. That gameplan may be whatever - expand social circle by meeting more people, relaxing and see where things go, target 1-2 people who will be at the outing.

2. Set the frame for the gameplan in each interaction. "So great to be out here to meet new people." "Really cool to meet you in a more relaxing place than our workstations."

3. Have the conversation - per WIA on plowing use it to get better at fundamentals and learn lessons.

4. If it isn't working for the game plan and you need to exit, tee up a compliment and then callback to the frame to reset why you two are talking. Then callback to something in the conversation. "You are easy to talk to and I enjoyed it. I'm going to try to meet some other people/find some others who I don't get to hang out with outside our desk/etc but have fun on the trip to X and the next time we meet I want the details. Bye."

 

[foggy]

great way to de-escalate conversationally after a high point is to transition back into a lighter topic. for example, i like to make observations about the environment.

so in your case, you could announce your departure a few minutes early, make an environmental observation and chat about that, then say your goodbyes, #4 looks appropriate in your post for a goodbye

 

[Chase]

@thejollyrancher,

Then callback to something in the conversation. "You are easy to talk to and I enjoyed it. I'm going to try to meet some other people/find some others who I don't get to hang out with outside our desk/etc but have fun on the trip to X and the next time we meet I want the details. Bye."

Don't tell people you're going off to meet other people to talk to. Even if they wanted to end things too they still feel rejected -- why do you need to find OTHER people? Why not just keep talking to me/us? Most people aren't moving around a lot engaging with different people; they just form groups and bond to those in their groups.

Instead you need an excuse that feels less like a rejection: checking out the scene, checking up on your friends, etc.

Some lines I use for this (typically after a wind-down of the conversation like what @fog suggests):

• "Hey, I'm going to go scout the place out."
• "All right, well it's time I go scope out the scene."
• "It's about time I went and checked out the territory."

I'll usually do the little 'finger making a circle pointing up' thing to while looking around to make it clear I'm going to go scan the venue.

If you came with people (or you were socializing with others in the venue earlier) you can also say, "I've gotta go see what my friends are doing... make sure they aren't causing any trouble!" I like this one a bit better because it has social proof + authority built-in, but if you haven't been socializing a lot and didn't come with other people you can't always use it congruently. Nice to use if it fits though.

I never do a final goodbye ("Well it was great meeting you!")... better just to leave things open so you can drop back in on people later on and pick up wherever you left off.

Chase