Too much, too fast,, now it's gone.. What next??

[ProblemSolving]

Now, I haven't chased this girl since we cooled off.

Yes you have.

I have stayed on her radar, reaching out only a couple times while she was gone on her trip.

That's chasing.

We exchanged a few texts and made plans that she was going to cook me dinner and we'd see a movie when she returned.

Good.

Last night, I reached out with a text saying, "(girl's name), don't make any plans for Saturday night, I want to take you somewhere.. "

Despite what we've told you to do over and over, you keep chasing. Your scarcity is making you needy as hell. There's definitely potential to get this girl back, but your emotions prevent you from taking the necessary steps to make it happen.

 

[Drck]

What's the update?

 

[Ktowndub]

Update... Initially, I decided to move on, realizing what this was and letting it go. After reading an article on GC about "2nd Chances," and basically how you never get them, I thought that I would just chalk it up to experience. However; after about 4 days of silence, she reached out to me.. I had run into her the other night, briefly said hello, & then disappeared. So she reached out and was asking me what I was doing the other night. Knowing the circumstance, I wanted to switch my position into more of a buyer and her being a seller (I think I labeled that correctly), I didn't answer her question, more so steered the conversation into a different direction. I let her put the work in, as far as carrying on any conversation. I kept my responses short and then told her I was busy at work. Later that evening, she reached out again. I realized now that she was the one chasing back into this. We talked very briefly, and then the next day we made plans to meet up again within the next couple of days. We met up, and went out, she made a comment that evening before I got off work, implying that she would most likely be staying at my house unless I wanted to come pick her up. She didn't want to drive after having drinks. So, realizing that it is rare to get a 2nd chance, & knowing that if you do, most guys are most likely to repeat the same mistakes they made the first time, I told her that I would just come pick her up so that I could drop her off at the end of the evening. Of course that's not how it turned out. She ended up still coming back to my place, and we kicked it that night, talking nothing about the previous attempt or anything that went on in between times, and then we hung out again last night, her staying once again, and I took her home this morning. Her attraction does feel stronger, but I think its in part that I am staying focused this time on what is going on. I made light comments to her saying that I wasn't going to have sex with her because she hadn't worked herself back into this yet, somewhat disqualifying her. We went out the past 2 nights, had a lot of fun, and spent time just goofing off and getting to know each other better. I will not see her again until one day next week. I am not sure what will happen out of this, but I know that we will see each other again. This time.. I will not get caught up..

First off, it's very important that I realized what mistakes I made the first time around. Without the articles that I have read on this site, I would definitely have been destined to make the same exact mistakes..

Secondly, it was only when I made the decision to let it go, did she realize it and then she came back to me. She made a few comments stating that she found herself thinking of me a lot while we weren't talking. That would not have happened had I not made the decision to leave it and not chase her. She had to miss me to realize that she wasn't done with whatever we have started.

What ever does happen, I am more in focus on making sure that I do not chase after her, and that no matter how much fun we have when we are together, I have to control this and make sure that I am not available for her at any time. I owe this consciousness to GC..

Any advice from you guys will be greatly appreciated, once again.. Thanks for your help and support...

 

[ray_zorse]

It's an interesting issue, I take it the initial part of above interaction was by text and that's maybe not good, even if you kept your responses short and delayed, a high value man would not engage by text at all, would be busy with work or relaxation... OTOH you got her out to meet u so that's good.

I'm more concerned with your decision to withhold sex because although I can see where you are coming from (not being too available, putting her in a chasing position) I'm concerned she might see through your frame i.e. most guys want sex pretty much all the time so by "hiding the banana" so to speak, it communicates you're not confident as to how she'd react if you went for sex. You also want to try and communicate that you don't really value her company that much in & of itself but rather you value the sexual tension &/or sex, you may have given the opposite impression here and put yourself into "moving real slow, boyfriend territory"... what do others think? Anyway, if u get her alone --> escalate I say.

The other thing is about driving her around, you accepted her frame (she's weak & incapable hence you have to do stuff for her)... next time point out that if she's capable of getting herself there she's capable of getting herself home... if you've set a precedent of driving her around then next time decline with some excuse... look it wouldn't be a problem if she was being cooperative and compliant and giving you lots of sex, but as of now, driving her looks like rewarding past behaviour.

Good luck bro, hope u get that dick wet

cheers, Ray

 

[Ktowndub]

Thanks Ray.. For the record,, the withholding sex thing was just the other night.. Trust me, Im not keeping that up.. I understand what you are saying and I welcome the advice.. One thing I've learned for sure is that it's a whole new world out there now. Since I've been single again, I screwed up 4 or 5 good opportunities with girls prior to finding GC.. IF you heed to the advice that is on this site, it really does give you a stronger advantage.. I will keep you posted as to what's going on.. Last night, I was out and crossed paths with her.. Also there, was the guy that she was talking to.. Obviously, I made a quick entry to say hello, and he passed by.. You could see that he lost his cool.. I just told her it was good to see her and left.. I woke up this morning to a text from her telling me that "I stay on her mind." The old me would have gone into competition mode last night and collapsed my frame,, (exactly what the other guy did)... It's much better being on this side of the fence..

 

[Drck]

"Secondly, it was only when I made the decision to let it go, did she realize it and then she came back to me"

>>>> This is somehow miraculous realization. Buddha was chasing enlightment for years, he tried everything, almost died in his attempt... Yet he never found it by seeking it. He only found it once he let go...

It is the same with women. Once you stop carrying, once you stop chasing, once you let go of them (yet still around), that's when they show some true interest...

In other words, you stop giving a crap in this screwed up World, and miracles sudenly happen...

 

[Ktowndub]

A few minutes after I posted my last response, I received another text from her asking what I was doing.. I told her I was just laying around watching a movie,, she then reaponded saying, "I'm bout to come see you." Long story, short.. She came over, spent the day watching football with me, we cooked, had some phenomenal sex last night, and she's laying here beside me in my shirt and her panties, asleep... I'll make her breakfast and send her on her way, shortly. She said yesterday she wanted to watch football again today, but I feel that's just too much time together. I have to not make the same mistakes, I know.. But dannnng.. You should see this girl.. Ha! Anyway, we'll see how this progresses.. I'll post another update soon.. Love the relation to Buddah, btw..

 

[ray_zorse]

Wow that's fabulous bro, it just goes to show that every situation should be treated on its merits. Nice moves. How is your setting of expectations going? It sounds like you were keen to go exclusive with this girl, did recent events change your perspective and/or how is it looking from her side? (Keeping in mind Franco's oft-repeated advice not to make something an issue until she brings it up of course).

cheers, Ray

 

[Ktowndub]

Hey thanks,, I still have a lot of interest in perhaps going exclusive with this girl.. I know that I said I was going to send her home yesterday, but that didn't happen, ha! We went out to a local spot that I frequent and met with some people to watch the games again, then back to my house. We did talk this morning about taking a few days and maybe get back together on Thursday or so.. I can see now, just how easy it is to repeat your actions if you aren't conscious of what you are doing. I do owe a lot of the current success to the articles I have read on this site. It's almost funny when you see things play out just as U expect after reading these. From the simple things like texting her with a purpose when I do text her, always using her name, or another name that we may have an inside joke associated to, in the heading, being short and precise and keeping it to only a couple exchanges, to bigger things concerning controling mine and her investments into this situation having her work for attention... It really does help you stay in front of the relationship, driving the car, and staying focused.. It was funny watching the other guy collapse his frame the other night and she was telling me that they had gotten in an argument earlier that evening because she had not contacted him in 3 days.. I see how she is toward him now and realize,, he's done. She already has the perception of him being needy and weak. She even related it to me saying "you know ho we will go a few days without any contact, and it's no big deal?" "Well, his boss was telling me when I asked what was wrong with him, that he was upset cause i didn't contact him for 3 days." "Screw that, I'm not with you dude.." .... I just smirked in my mind, hearing her say this. Then, she laughed and said "wtf?" Yesterday when he posted a pic of him and her on his FB, tagging her.... I thought to myself, "desperation." I know what he was hoping to accomplish, but I couldn't help but think it was a rookie mistake. He obviously doesn't know about GC.. Ha! Anyway.. Currently, I have her back, and I'm enjoying the ride.. I'm loving this right now.. Let's just hope that I don't lose my frame and screw it up.. Ha! I'll post more after this week.

 

[Ktowndub]

Also, btw.. There were a couple times over the last few days in which I wanted to bring up something that I was concerned about to her, but I did remember that it's not an issue until she brings it up as an issue, so I just didn't bring it up.. Another success.. Thanks for all the advice

 

[Ktowndub]

Oooopps!!! Here we go again,, maybe..

Ok, now we have gotten back to hot and heavy again, and we hve spent the last few nights together.. However; yeaterday we talked about it and although we had plans to watch the National Championship game together last night, we agreed that this would be the last night this week. Here's how it went down. She had a key to my place from where I went to work and let her sleep in.. So yesterday, she went to my house to shower and be ready when I got off work.. The night started just fine. The previous night, we made some very passionate love and the sex just seems to get better and better, more heated, more steamy,, and in all seriousness, the best and most passionate sex that I have had, and I have been with a lot of girls. So yesterday, she reached out to me first and we made plans. Again, when I got home, she was laying in my bed, freshly done up, ready to go out. I had stopped and picked up a nice bottle of Cabernet, and we shared that before going out. We get to the establishment and we are having a couple beers when all of a sudden, the dude that interfered with our progression the first time messaged her something that put her in a bad mood. Of course, I noticed it & asked what happened? She wouldn't say other than say "give me 2 minutes and I'll be ok." Then she started to respond to him.. Now, when we are out, if people text me, she will make a crack saying something to the extent that I shouldn't be on my phone while with her.. I usually smile, laugh, & turn my phone upside down, to show her that she is important to me. So,,,, I tried to tell her (knowing I was messing up), "hey, don't let it bother you,, only thing that matters right now, is whats going on right here." Then we started getting into a discussion in which she actually retracted and told me I was right, that what she was doing was rude and that she wouldn't like it if i did it. So when we are leaving, we are outside and we were miscommunicating with each other. I simply told her, hey, when we get back to the house, how about we actually have a discussion. My thinking is, it's time we set some boundaries. We get back to my place, and we start talking,, it ends up getting a little heated and then we agreed to pause and cool back down for a couple minutes. It was obvious to us both that we were influenced by the alcohol that we had been drinking.
So, we cool down, then we start goofing off, then started making out, went back to the bedroom and had round one of some more intense sex. Then afterwards, I get up, she lays in the bed and I went in the other room. Then, I had some music playing, went into the bedroom, picked her up and carried her into the Liv room and we started dancing under candlelight.. We were having fun.. Then, that fun led us back to the bedroom for round 2, which turned to be the best round of sex ever.. We went at it for about an hour, and this wasn't just "beat it up" sex, this was love making sex. During sex, she told me she "had love" for me. So, being drunk, I told her "say it, it's after 6:00pm"(We have a joke about anything said after 6:00pm can be discarded without full merit).. So she did.. And to be honest, i did too. Now, we both do have some strong feelings for each other, but "in love?" Prob not and we know it. Problem is, we drank a lot last night. I don't remember everything we talked about, and I'm sure she doesnt either. We do have plans to see a movie on Thursday, but we aren't going to see each other prior. I made the mistake of letting things get serious again last night, but at what point is it ok to allow things to get serious and discuss boundaries? I'm at the point that I want to progress this into a relationship. I think she is scared because she hasn't had a relationship that was in fact what she thought it would be going into it. I did express to her that I don't want to be her fall back guy, and she told me that I wasnt, that is what the one guy was. She said they had tried to date twice, but it will never work out,, yet he still hangs around and has some sort of impact on her. I haven't heard from her yet today, and I haven't reached out to her, but... Do I? I know that've had some serious discussions last night, enough so that we started to argue a little, but I don't recall the things that were said. What do I do now?? When I left this morning, everything seemed fine, but I don't know that it is.. Again, I'm to the point that I want to progress this relationship, and i don't want to share her.. When we are together, it feels so right, and she has expressed the same..
Need some more advice, please..

 

[ray_zorse]

You are getting a bit butthurt by her occasional rude behaviour and a red flag that occurs quite a lot in your post is "we agreed that ..." (edit: remember that women never agree to anything important really, the agreement applies until their emotional state changes again as it surely will, then all bets are off of course).

You shouldn't be having all these deep discussions about how you interact, how often you plan to hangout etc... what you're doing is drawing her into your relationship management strategy and seeking her cooperation in implementing it and probably sharing too much information as to why you are taking the approach you're taking...

Instead you lead, she follows (edit: because her cooperation will be withdrawn once she starts creating drama... as she surely will... and that's exactly when you need to make your relationship management plan stick... also any information you give her will be used against you later to paint you as a manipulative asshole, which you are, really, so don't give her that ammunition).

Don't blab blab, make excuses if you need to (honey I'm flat out with work until next week), but make things go right. Read the articles on rewarding and punishing...

You can also search for a question I asked on forum about this, and girls playing with their phone during a date... paradoxically the advice seemed to be to give them a bit of space to do their texting or whatever, but I cannot remember the exact reasoning now. I think there was a link to an article about it...

-Ray

PS might be time to spice things up in the bedroom with some kinky role play and/or tying her up etc, so you don't risk losing jer to some orbiter, make it always exciting... assume you've read Chase's articles on eating her and adapted missionary?

 

[ray_zorse]

Here is the link to the post about girls checking their phone...
https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=7866
Good luck.
-Ray

 

[Ktowndub]

Thanks man,, I'm going to check those articles out.. In the mean time, I'm going to back away and give it a rest.. She'll be back. She once again left a few things at my house, this time I know it's intentional. So, I'm going to put her off for a week or so, and see what happens. After all,, it's time to refocus in the gym so by the time the weather breaks for summer,, I've shed my winter coat.. Ha! Again, thanks for all your advice.. It really helps..

-Ktowndub

 

[Ktowndub]

Alright,, hey Ray,, help me out with this...
Things have been going well with this girl now.. We just really seem to click good and we've been spending time together.. She has now introduced me to her parents, and I've had her in my circle of friends. It's obvious that we are "dating." Im trying to maintain the right balance but sometimes I find myself "slipping." We have started building a foundation of knowing each other a lot more and we have at times expressed our emotions a little more than we should've. We talk about spending less time together, and yet we really don't. Maybe a day or two, but really, by the end of the day, we end up making plans to go to dinner or just chill.. I know that we are getting to that "so" moment, and I'm concerned that I am over investing and I need to realize how I can back away and lessen my investment and force her to increase her investment, without her thinking what I'm doing is intentional or "game playing." She still has a couple orbiters, one that I think is stealing some of her attraction & attention. She went out with him before but she has expressed voluntarily that she does not see anything in him that she needs. She and i went out to dinner last night, came back to my place and then I took her home. We established earlier that she would not stay, so I knew I was going to take her home at the end of the night, but something seemed to change in the last portion of the evening. Everything was great all night.. The communication, the flirtation, the sexual contact, etc. Only, at the end of the night, something seemed to change and from what I've read on this site, it seems as if she is going into an auto rejection mode. Ultimately, I want this girl & I want to take her to a more exclusive level.. How can I lessen my investment, and is there any advice you can lend me if In fact I am in competition with this other orbiter? I want to make sure that I come out as the victor..
I'm all ears.....

 

[Smith]

Ktowndub,

Ray's got some good advice, but just adding my 2 cents on the orbiter.

I don't think you need to worry too much about this other orbiter right now because you guys are not 'exclusive' yet, and since he's just an orbiter, he would have slept with her already if he could but he's not. Instead, he's being a desperate fellow trying to get her attention. Clearly, you need to be the opposite of that. Just chill out. Everything is cool. You're playing scenarios in your head that this other guy is stealing her away and that shows your insecurity in this relationship. But only once you're in an exclusive relationship with her, then you can talk about how much time she should spend with him, but right now, you can't.

We talk about spending less time together, and yet we really don't.

That's where you aren't setting the boundaries right. Just talking about it doesn't mean shit if you don't follow it up with action. In fact, less talking and just do it. I tried talking to a girl that I wanted to get into a relationship with once about how often we should see each other..etc and it turns women off. Women want things to flow and they want to follow your lead without discussing these little details.

Only, at the end of the night, something seemed to change and from what I've read on this site, it seems as if she is going into an auto rejection mode.

Don't over analyze things. I can tell you there were a lot of times when I over analyze things and I actually got it wrong. The girl was just acting weird for no reason. But thank god I didn't do any stupid shit that would ruin things. Again, don't bring up any issues you think there is unless she brings it up.
I know you want to be exclusive with this girl, but I think meeting other women at the same time wouldn't hurt you now. Of course, you can stop that once she wants you to be her bf, but right now I think it would do you more good.

Good luck