Touch routine and physical escalation

[Seppuku]

Hey,

I just had a beginner messaging me, asking about physical escalation. Here is what I wrote to him, should other people have the same question.

Dos and donts on a date
(*) On a date, you sit side by side with her, not face to face. It's closer intimacy, facilitates touch, it's easier to hear each other, and it's much less confrontational than face to face.

(*) Also, you watch your body language, and control yourself. You don't want to give yourself away. You want her to keep guessing "does he like me?" Sexual tension 101. Things to avoid, for instance: Leaning over her. Or orienting your body towards her. No nervous giggling. Calm, slow and sexy smile.

(*) Another big tension killer: the kiss. It's not always the case, but very often the kiss actually kills the tension. No more guessing, she knows now. So it's best to defer kissing to the later stages of escalation.

(*) Most important, all this is fun! Everyone relaxed in their mind. Make sure that both of you feel good and enjoy the moment. Nervousness is contagious. If you're nervous, she will feel it and become nervous, and good luck to you. So... you're calm and relaxed at all times!

With this in mind, this is what escalation looks like. It is important to be gradual, so make sure not to skip steps or else you may creep her away (this is probably what happened to the young gentleman messaging me). The focus is on building physical comfort and sexual tension. The sexual tension is only released at the last moment when you two start shagging.

Touch routine

1. Your escalation starts within the first few minutes of meeting her, at the beginning of your date, when you break the touch barrier with some incidental touching. If you wait two hours before touching her for the first time, it will feel off! And you may creep her out. It has to be done early on.

2. The next time you touch her, your fingers linger a little longer on her hand or forearm

3. She accepts your touch now. She touches you back. You're having your date and build psychological comfort. You can now be a little bit more daring with your touch. You can for instance try this: as she speaks, you face her, look her in the eyes, have a hint of a smile, slowly take your hand to her forehead, and slowly comb her hair. While doing this, you continue a normal conversation with her.

The key is to become increasingly more daring with your touch. This builds sexual tension. You can also touch her belly and her thighs at this stage. First, very briefly. Then leaving your hand a little longer. Done properly, with the right relaxed mood and good vibe going, you can even get to touch her boobs and ass, and get away with it, as long as you have no nervousness and wrap it up with a sexy comment. However you don't have to get there if you don't feel it.

4. You can also play with touch withdrawal. You got her used to your touch. Then suddenly lean back, and withdraw from touching. Orient your body slightly away for her. Watch her and observe when she touches you back. You're in. Then resume touching. Tension, tension!

The above happened at the date place, in the background, while having a normal conversation. This sequential touching was the beginning of the escalation. It's powerful, it builds sexual tension and anticipation of sex. Next, at your seduction location.

Physical escalation

5. You both sit down. If she's a little bit far you can ask her to sit closer. I like to order her in a soft voice: "hey! come sit here please".

6. You can for example start with the hair. Comb her hair slowly, in its full length. Caress her cheeks. Approach your mouth from hers, an inch away, smile, then gently kiss her cheek (not mouth yet). I like to make her anticipate the make out.

At any time, if you notice that she subtly pulls back, you just completely withdraw. It's fine. Switch subject. When you see her coming back into you, you resume at one step before.

7. No make out yet. You can kiss her neck, gently suck the lobe of her ear. Run your hand over her body, start cupping her breast. Listen to her breath. When she's aroused, her breath rhythm will change.

8. She's aroused. Time to step up. You can make out. Extract her boobs. Your hand beneath her dress / trousers. Also, she may be wanting to touch your dick but shy to do it without permission... So take her hand and place it on your hard-on.

9. Going for the pussy is last in my book.

10. Action!

Well, there's nothing definitive here, but this is what it looks like most of the time!

I hope this helps.
Seppuku

 

[kalyan]

I like how step 7 is done before the kiss- i've done it a few times and it feels more fun than just making out- would you say it's always the case that its better to do the items on 7 before kissing?

 

[Seppuku]

Hey kalyan,

Nothing too strict, it's more of a guideline. I usually try to keep this kiss for 8 if I can, but sometimes I do it on 7. I wouldn't do before 7 - except if she's the one to initiate the kiss.

Seppuku

 

[Hue]

Great post Seppuku! I'll give this a go tonight (;

Hueman

 

[Raqimus]

Thanks for this Seppuku, reading this has helped me realized why going for the kiss works for me personally. I just realized that I build a lot of sexual tension very fast and it doesn't feel like it much too me but for her it must be a lot. For me kissing builds comfort and releases then builds tension depending on how i kiss. I never thought about it and I've been experimenting with not kissing for a while and whenever I don't kiss her I lose her, not to say I am scared of kissing, I kind of tease her with it which I think sends them into auto rejection because of all the tension i've built! This post really helped me.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Raqimus,

I'm glad this helped you! My experience has been the opposite, I lost some girls trying to kiss too early. Overall, the idea is to keep the tension going, one way or another, until you finally release it... in the bed!

Cheers,
Seppuku

 

[Seppuku]

I just received a PM from a beginner on escalation. From what he describes, it seems that he started his escalation attempt quite late in the process (maybe around steps 5 or 6). Although she obviously liked him, she reacted awkwardly to his escalation attempts.

Make sure you build the comfort first
It is essential to have the early stages of escalation right (comfort building), before attempting the more kinky stuff. Without the preliminary physical and emotional comfort, the escalation will likely creep her away. She must feel very comfortable with your touch, and with your company, before accepting the next stage.

I usually need at least one to two hours in the earlier stages (1 to 4) before starting the escalation itself. And if I can't finish my seduction within one date, I usually spend some time during the second date, to re-establish comfort (phases 1 to 4 again), before moving on.

The holding hands test
Something very interesting I have noticed consistently on my approx. 100 dates in the last two years. Most of the time my date template involves me picking up the girl at her place with my car, then driving her to my favorite lounge. I establish physical touch within the first minutes after she gets in the car, then more touching as I drive. When we get off the car I usually request her hand in mine (non verbally, by opening up my palm). She would normally put her hand in mine, then I lead her to the lounge.

Now here's the interesting part. Depending on how I feel her in my hand (following my lead) I can have a good idea of how much effort I will need to put.

• 
  (*) If the lead feels effortless, if she keeps her hand in mine, if it feels comfortable and natural, I'm pretty sure she's into me. I can be a little quicker on building comfort.
  (*)If it feels some discomfort, if she tries to pull her hand away, if I need to put some effort into my lead, it's going to need more time. Lots of building comfort required.

Try it and let me know if it works for you.

Seppuku

 

[Alchemist]

• 
  (*) If the lead feels effortless, if she keeps her hand in mine, if it feels comfortable and natural, I'm pretty sure she's into me. I can be a little quicker on building comfort.
  (*)If it feels some discomfort, if she tries to pull her hand away, if I need to put some effort into my lead, it's going to need more time. Lots of building comfort required.

Try it and let me know if it works for you.

Seppuku

Interesting, I've been using something similar when I would first shake hands with a girl. I would offer my hand with my palm facing up, gracefully squeeze her hand between my thumb and fingers (rather than a vertical business handshake), and slowly I'd release my hand, so that her hand would rest on my hand (and she could easily pull it away). It's not a foolproof way, but the more a girl would hold her hand there as we're exchanging names and starting to build our vibe the more sure I'd be that she's into me from the start.

 

[Seppuku]

Alchemist,

Interesting, I've been using something similar when I would first shake hands with a girl. I would offer my hand with my palm facing up, gracefully squeeze her hand between my thumb and fingers (rather than a vertical business handshake), and slowly I'd release my hand, so that her hand would rest on my hand (and she could easily pull it away). It's not a foolproof way, but the more a girl would hold her hand there as we're exchanging names and starting to build our vibe the more sure I'd be that she's into me from the start.

Yes it sounds very similar. See how it feels, if she keeps the hand in yours. My hold hand routine has an additional element of leading. Try it if you have a chance.

Agreed, it's not completely fail safe but it can give you useful clues.

Concrete example yesterday
Yesterday I went on a first date with a woman. Same scenario, I pick her at her home then drive to a piano bar. In the car, it's her initiating the incidental touching. Very good sign. When we walk out of the car, I take her hand and lead her. She follows a little, but her hand doesn't stick into mine. OK, it means I have more tension to build. In the bar, I sit at an angle with her, keep my posture upright, and just make her talk about her past. In the meantime my body language stays neutral. She gets excited and very talkative. Touch me on my forearm. Lean into me. Touch me more. Towards the end I extend my hand and she puts her hand in mine then hold my arm. When we leave, she now follows my lead quite well. In the car, my hand on her thigh all the time, her both hands on my arm.

The holding hands test was useful here. She wasn't ready yet for more physical action. Should I have insisted on touching her, it could have been counterproductive (negative compliance). Instead, I focused on building up tension, and later it went much more smoothly.

For the record I didn't have logistics to push for more the same night. I drove her home but didn't kiss her - that would kill the tension. She will need to continue guessing "does he like me?" until we meet again.