Socializing Toxic behaviors: What point do I need to take girls seriously?

[SunnyVibes]

Hey!
I hope everyone is doing well.
I have read through female psychology articles on GirlsChase and a few points are in my head.

1) Take the middle ground between what a woman tells me when she’s mad at me and when she’s happy with me to find the truth.

2) Women being manipulative is silly and cute.

3) General awareness of female morality.

Now, there was a point in where a woman mocked my personality in front of another person by mimicking me and then played the victim card, saying she behaved like that because in response to me.

I searched healthline: She showed two toxic manipulative traits-personal aggression and victimhood.

I didn’t rip into her.
My desire is to foster a cooperative frame with women-I used to be a red pill content consumer and I don’t ever want to go back.

While I was working through issues later she called me repulsive and more.

After I’d helped negotiate things, a couple days later she took me to dinner, got drunk and sent every possible signal in the book to me. Told me she didn’t mean what she said, that she loves me and more.

I didn’t sleep with her, because I’m not attracted to her.
But I don’t know if I would ever consider being close to a person who’s like this. If she was someone I was attracted to maybe I’d have slept with her. I can’t say.
When I’m with people like this I feel numb inside.

Honestly I’m still wondering whether to cut contact and to revise my behavior so that I deal with situations like this with less leeway.

I grew up with an older sister who shows a lot of the signs of a crazy girl. I wasn’t too happy with my childhood.

https://www.girlschase.com/content/8-red-flags-she-s-crazy-girl-you-should-stay-away.

I’m really happy to know that I wasn’t crazy when I was a kid.

I feel a lot of toxic behaviors are easy to brush off for me due to this and a few other factors.
I’d love to know what is acceptable behavior from healthy women and what isn’t.
Healthy women will also show dark behaviors-I’d just like to know where to draw the line.
I appreciate all advice. Thank you.

Warmly,
SunnyVibes

 

[Surveyor]

From experience (with mildly toxic family members, not cluster B or comparable) I think it’s important to distinguish between her perception(s) of your actions, and her reaction(s) to them.

 

[Adventurer]

I wouldn't worry if she did it only once or twice. Some people like to be direct or to make fun of others when it's funny and harmless, which sounds like it's the case here. It's not necessarily toxic or bad behaviour.

Just joke something back / change the subject / show nonverbally that you didn't like it (bored look or something similar) without making it a big deal. If she never does it again or does it infrequently and with everyone, it's not toxic. It's just her personality

Toxic behaviour would be for instance, if she always brings you down in front of your friends (which she shouldn't meet anyway if she's your lover), or if she tries to sabotage your self-worth with those remarks to gain something out of it

 

[Red]

I have found that being friends with women who finds you attractive ends badly. They tend to eat all this pain from their hurt ego and it leaks out in nasty behavior. Sounds like you're already seeing that.

I was in a similar situation. I had a friend who would get drunk and insult me in front of my friend group because I didn't want her. For me the line was when she insinuated I was gay in front of a girl I had high interest in. At that point her antics had crossed the line from sad to actively obstructing my goals and she had to go.

The metric for me is "Does this person contribute to my overall happiness more than they detract". I apply this to everyone regardless of sex.

 

[BIGGUS DICKUS: PUSSY MAN]

I can really relate to you @SunnyVibes

my older sister was really toxic to me growing up (bully etc.)

so I’ve definitely experienced that kinda vibe early on like you have

bc I know the warning signs so well, I have very little tolerance for this kind of behavior and after a certain point it is make or break, you have to bust their frame and assert yours or they will treat you like a free ego trip

I think you went so far with her despite not being attracted to her because if you’ve grown up around toxic attention, you find it more exciting than healthy attention you get from people who really care

That’s at least what happens with me, not sure if it relates to you

But here’s a quick way to known if it is healthy behavior:

Do they make me feel good without a catch or drawback which makes me feel some type of negative emotion?

If you like how they treat you, keep them

if you don’t like how they treat you, assert yourself or just drop her all together

It’s very simple good feels good, bad feels bad, do the goods outweigh the bads?

 

[POB]

Seems to me you are out of her league
This is a coping mechanism
It's like when little boys like a beautiful girl, but don't know how to get her
So they pull their hair, steal her pencils, etc.
She likes you...but she knows she can't get you, so she is trying to put you down in an attempt to lower your status to her level

If she is not a co-worker, from the same social circle or biz supplier/partner, just cut contact

If you have to deal with her again for X reasons, I would just pull her aside in a quiet moment and clearly explain my boundaries
After that, if she is still a repeat offender, it's time for the nuke
Put her in the spotlight in front of everybody and let her melt

 

[rockstar]

Now, there was a point in where a woman mocked my personality in front of another person by mimicking me and then played the victim card, saying she behaved like that because in response to me.

It sounds like she wasn't doing this to have fun and make a joke, but as a power move. Don't let people do that. I don't laugh stuff like this off, I make it clear that it's not ok. Assuming she did this pretty aggressively and it's obvious to everyone that it was a power move:

You can surface it with a question "Wow. Why would you do that {name}?"

Frame flip "Did that make you feel better about yourself?"

No nonsense "Don't do that again. {subject change}"

Etc.

Don't let her draw you out into some argument about why she did it. Just repeat that it's not ok, and you don't want her to do that again. And move on. Should be firm and decisive, but not butthurt or upset.

Unless I know the group is going to side with the other person, I don't like to be passive and let people do shit like that. Obviously don't do this if it's a friendly joke.


In the end though, this sounds like the kind of person you should avoid. There's no upside there

 

[Red]

It sounds like she wasn't doing this to have fun and make a joke, but as a power move. Don't let people do that. I don't laugh stuff like this off, I make it clear that it's not ok. Assuming she did this pretty aggressively and it's obvious to everyone that it was a power move:

You can surface it with a question "Wow. Why would you do that {name}?"

Frame flip "Did that make you feel better about yourself?"

No nonsense "Don't do that again. {subject change}"

Etc.

Don't let her draw you out into some argument about why she did it. Just repeat that it's not ok, and you don't want her to do that again. And move on. Should be firm and decisive, but not butthurt or upset.

Unless I know the group is going to side with the other person, I don't like to be passive and let people do shit like that. Obviously don't do this if it's a friendly joke.


In the end though, this sounds like the kind of person you should avoid. There's no upside there

This is good. "Why did you do that," or "Why would you say that to me?" is mature, and non reactive. It drags the hostility into the light of day and let's the person now you won't let such things slide They usually beat a hasty retreat.

 

[SunnyVibes]

From experience (with mildly toxic family members, not cluster B or comparable) I think it’s important to distinguish between her perception(s) of your actions, and her reaction(s) to them.

@Surveyor Perhaps this is what you mean?-I discern a woman’s place in my life by toxic tactics she uses. Perception is irrelevant past a limit, the way a person reacts is their responsibility.

 

[SunnyVibes]

I wouldn't worry if she did it only once or twice. Some people like to be direct or to make fun of others when it's funny and harmless, which sounds like it's the case here. It's not necessarily toxic or bad behaviour.

Just joke something back / change the subject / show nonverbally that you didn't like it (bored look or something similar) without making it a big deal. If she never does it again or does it infrequently and with everyone, it's not toxic. It's just her personality

Toxic behaviour would be for instance, if she always brings you down in front of your friends (which she shouldn't meet anyway if she's your lover), or if she tries to sabotage your self-worth with those remarks to gain something out of it

Hey @Adventurer, I am aware of what toxic behavior is. I am focusing at which degree to draw a boundary. Ex: forcing dependence is minor, personal humiliation is bigger.
Cheers,

 

[SunnyVibes]

I can really relate to you @SunnyVibes

my older sister was really toxic to me growing up (bully etc.)

so I’ve definitely experienced that kinda vibe early on like you have

bc I know the warning signs so well, I have very little tolerance for this kind of behavior and after a certain point it is make or break, you have to bust their frame and assert yours or they will treat you like a free ego trip

I think you went so far with her despite not being attracted to her because if you’ve grown up around toxic attention, you find it more exciting than healthy attention you get from people who really care

That’s at least what happens with me, not sure if it relates to you

But here’s a quick way to known if it is healthy behavior:

Do they make me feel good without a catch or drawback which makes me feel some type of negative emotion?

If you like how they treat you, keep them

if you don’t like how they treat you, assert yourself or just drop her all together

It’s very simple good feels good, bad feels bad, do the goods outweigh the bads?

Hey @BIGGUS DICKUS: PUSSY MAN , thank you for sharing your experience-I hope emotionally things are good for you now.

“ bc I know the warning signs so well, I have very little tolerance for this kind of behavior and after a certain point it is make or break, you have to bust their frame and assert yours or they will treat you like a free ego trip”

I would like to discuss the signs & contextual boundaries more deeper-would you be comfortable if I pm you?

Warmly,
SunnyVibes

 

[SunnyVibes]

Seems to me you are out of her league
This is a coping mechanism
It's like when little boys like a beautiful girl, but don't know how to get her
So they pull their hair, steal her pencils, etc.
She likes you...but she knows she can't get you, so she is trying to put you down in an attempt to lower your status to her level

If she is not a co-worker, from the same social circle or biz supplier/partner, just cut contact

If you have to deal with her again for X reasons, I would just pull her aside in a quiet moment and clearly explain my boundaries
After that, if she is still a repeat offender, it's time for the nuke
Put her in the spotlight in front of everybody and let her melt

@POB, nice to hear from you.
The explanation of handling the situation will be helpful.
Warmly,
SunnyVibes

 

[Adventurer]

Hey @Adventurer, I am aware of what toxic behavior is. I am focusing at which degree to draw a boundary. Ex: forcing dependence is minor, personal humiliation is bigger.
Cheers,

Ok, that makes sense. It's just that for me, mimicking someone to make fun of their behavior, it itself, is not toxic. It just sounds like it was an insensitive joke, if you get super serious about it of course she'll play the victim card and you'll look silly (law of least effort)

For me, the boundary would be this : if it's a deliberate and/or repeated attempt to bring you down or get something out of you. You said yourself that after this one event, she went back to liking you and sending you signals, so I don't think it was toxic after all

 

[SunnyVibes]

Thanks for the answer. I’ll consider your view.