Tricks to overcome nervousness? I can't believe how badly I'm screwing up.

[Animatronic_Squirrel]

Howdy folks,

Quick introduction; I'm a 25 year old college student (born and raised US, lived all over, currently in the UK as a first year mature student for my bachelors). I've been a very late bloomer, and I didn't have my first girlfriend (and lay) until I was 24 - looking to explore the dating scene, for sure. I'm very new to seduction, dating, sex and social mechanics in general - I definitely have no process, though with the help of this website, I've gotten much, much better at eye-contact flirting, tension and controlling the flow of a conversation. Had my first club make-outs (two in a night) a few days back, and while I couldn't escalate any further (still need to work on my leadership and dominance here, and in general), I consider that progress.

Now then.


I'm extremely frustrated at myself right now.

Not 30 minutes ago, I had a cute girl sitting in my bed, with me, for over an hour... watching Lion King. During that whole time, I could feel that I needed to make a move. And I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't know WHAT to do. Goddammit.

Please, help me overcome this goddamned hump - or point me towards a few relevant Girlschase blog posts. I've tried being the drill Sargent and abusing myself into action, but that just isn't working. When I KNOW I'm supposed to make a move, and I freeze up, what the hell do I do?

 

[Zoro]

Haha!

First off relax man! I have been there plenty of times. Screaming at myself!

Now DO NOT let that experience go as a failure. It was a learning experience. Try to remember the interaction as a whole. I like to think that people are very good at reading situations subconsciously and that is sometimes what keeps men from making moves. That is that they read the vibe is not sexual, so a sexual advance would be met with confusion.

What helps is realizing the problem was maybe not on the bed (you not making a move) but rather the vibe that was set from the very start of the interaction! (though if she was in your bed she was probably waiting for you to make a move!)

Start bringing a little subtle sexuality into your interactions, light touching, sexual framing, and so on. This makes the transition to "the move" much smoother!

Remember you are learning, take all experiences as times of learning. I remember a great quote, something about western views about failure are really terrible because you gain so much from failing! As long as you have the real result in mind, the failure teaches you what you are doing that does not work and sometimes other information. So stop beating yourself up, but keep up the drive!

Good luck
-J

 

[Chase]

Squirrel-

In addition to J Wick's suggestions (and not feeling too defeated over any one or several failures is a big one... it's all part of the learning curve) - check out #3 ("Use Time Limits") of this post:

• Nice People Need Hard Rules

Set your time limits in advance. Make sure you know what they are.

Next time you're in an interaction with a girl, take out your watch or phone and time yourself. Act before time is up.

Then it's not so much about scolding yourself into action, as it is not missing the deadline. Much easier to race to something than it is to fight against inertia.

Chase

 

[Animatronic_Squirrel]

Hiya,

I just wanted to post a minor update - the girl and I ended up hanging out a fair amount this week, continuing to vibe well, though I did get the impression she was a little cold whenever I'd (try to) flirt. But then, she suddenly ended up asking me if I wanted to hang out together sometime during the weekend.

So, Saturday, we went for a hike by the river, grabbed a snack on the way back, then ended up back in my room, where she wanted to see a movie before she goes out with friends tonight - it took me about 20 minutes before I was able to shut down my brain and put my arm around her shoulders in what I was hoping would be a friendly/affectionate hug.

Sadly, I think I've either been misinterpreting the entire situation, or I've been setting the wrong precedent the whole week, or I was exceptionally un-smooth - she asked me what I was doing, then said no and pushed my arm off. So yeah. She just sort of nervously laughed when I asked if I'd been misinterpreting the situation - we finished the movie cordially enough, and basically just carried on as if nothing had ever happened (though its been a little awkward since; we havn't been hanging out, and she's being a little cautious around me).


Anyway, it was a...'useful' experience. J Wick, thanks for putting things into perspective. I definitely wasn't looking at things in mindset from which I could take this as a learning experience. And I'll definitely keep up the drive.

And Chase, the time limit idea from the article worked pretty well; I didn't quite meet the deadline, but it got me in the right mindset where I could shut down my brain and just say 'Alright... onetwothreeGO.' So, cheers for the suggestion.

This is the first time I overtly tried to physical escalate with a new girl, and I think it actually helped to experience a rejection; it kind of sucked, but the world didn't end or anything. I just thought 'Ah, man. Guess that isn't happening.'

Bottom line, it was a failed attempt, but decent learning experience, and I'm going to try using the momentum from this to start the approach section of the newbie assignment ASAP.

Cheers,
-A.S.

 

[Zoro]

Good to hear about the progress man. And it really is progress, you already moving ahead from a "failed attempt" and head high is vital.